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Update-advice needed

Posted by helpwiththis (My Page) on
Sat, May 22, 10 at 14:46

You can see my last post about leaving my dh here:

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg121129538685.html?31508&pp_user=helpwiththis&pp_ticket=iv4hkRrVw59N.

In the end of January me and dd did move into my friend's home. DH begged and pleaded for us to stay, even sd cried. We stayed in the same school district so sd and dd saw eachother at school all the time and became even closer. I went out on a few dates with another man to see how I truly felt about my marriage. Just dinner, movies, that type of thing. After those dates I realized that I want to be with dh. But I did not want to jump back in because our issues are unresolved. I did not tell dh about these dates because I did not want to hurt him.

DD started having sd over at our place for sleepovers. DD goes over to dh's home and hangs out with sd. Both girls have been trying to get us back together. SD is really nice to me and begs me to come back, but I have told her that dh and I have things to work out. DH and I began "dating" eachother again. I have held off on leaving my friends home and getting our own place because I do love dh and am keeping hope for us to get back together. Plus living with my friend has worked out really well.

During all of this sd's mom has been nonexistant. DH is actually clueless on where she is and so is bm's family.

Well DH found out from someone that I went on a date with the other man. DD and SD did not know so I am not sure how he found out. He asked me about it and I told him honestly all about it. (Me and the other guy were never even intimate). I told dh that the dates reassured me that I want our marriage to work. DH took it hard and said he needed time to think about what he wanted. I have given it to him. Before he found this out we had been talking about me and dd coming back to live with them and I was really considering it.

Well DH called me yesterday because sd tried to commit suicide. She also had a note near her saying she could not handle our split and the idea of me and dd being out of her life. She said I am the only mom she has and dd is the only one who understands her. (While me and dh took our time apart the girls continued to hang out and have sleepovers)

SD is currently in the hospital. Dh told me that he wants me back and is sure now. I asked him if this incident is why he wants me back and he said no, that he was hurt over me going on dates but me dating also made him realize that he does not want to lose me.

I just do not know what to do. I love sd and dh so much but everything is just a mess. DD is a mess over sd and has been begging me since dh and I took time apart to go back. Part of me is thinking I should go back because I was going to before dh found out about the dates. The other part of me feels like dh has not completely forgiven me but wants me to come back because of his guilt over sd.

I don't even know how things got to this point.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Update-advice needed

Have you been to any counseling? Not necessarily marriage counseling but for you to help you work through it?

I think now during this time of extreme stress is not the time to make a decision. Let this storm pass so you can make your choice with a clear head and be sure that yuor DH is too.

((Hugs)) Don't make any big decisions based on guilt & worry over SD.

~Cat


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RE: Update-advice needed

how did he find about the dates? seems strange..

sorry about SD...don't rush, see a counselor and wait a bit, agree with catlettuce


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RE: Update-advice needed

I have not been to counseling but I do think after all of this me and dd need to go. I know sd will be going to counseling when she gets out of the hospital.

I think someone dh knows saw me out on a date. I went to restaurants and public places in our city so anyone could have seen me and commented to him that they saw me with a guy at such and such place. But what was wierd was that it was so long after the dates that he found out.

I do feel guilty and worried over sd. That note broke my heart. And seeing her in the hospital was really hard.


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RE: Update-advice needed

"That note broke my heart. And seeing her in the hospital was really hard."

& he knows it, & *nothing has changed in your relationship with him*, & he has cried & begged & hasn't made one change.

Manipulators use whatever is available to get people to do what they want.

Once you move back in, he's in control & you've lost control, & your only avenue of escape has been cut off because your friend who let you move in with her is disgusted with the whole mess.

Be strong, be as close to SD as you can, insist on counselling for everybody *at once*, don't move back in as soon as he starts counselling but only after the counsellor agrees that it's time, & don't give in an inch until things change.

I wish you the best.


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