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I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

Posted by luvonlymygirlz (My Page) on
Fri, May 14, 10 at 14:36

I'm wanting to hear from anyone who has stepkids that are not part of your household for whatever reason. The reasons my SS is not part of my household are not the issue, and I am not looking for that to change, or for advice or opinions about the facts of my situation. What I AM wondering though, is if anyone out there has a similar situation that maybe can give me a glimpse of what I can look forward to? I doubt there is anyone, but it's worth a shot. I believe if you are not in my shoes, you will not understand and will lash out at me, which I will ignore.

Trying to be brief, my situation is that my husband has "visitation" every other weekend of this boy he had (out of wedlock therefore this arrangement has been this boy's whole life) and he is now 14. My husband (10yrs) and I have a fairly "normal" life with our 2 daughters, ages 7 and 9, except for the fact that husband is gone overnight on alternating weekends for these visits. When the boy was little, husband had visits from Friday thru Monday, but general life has changed that to now be either Fri night thru Sun Morning (2 nights) or Sat morning to Sun evening (1 night with 2 full days) - my point being, that it does vary and is less now than it was in the beginning. Exorbitant child support was ordered and has always been paid. My question is...do we really have 4 more years of these disruptive slumber party weekends? Or do these teens eventually get a life and not care to hang with a parent like normal teens from nuclear families? The catch is...SS gets anything he wants during visits and is quite indulged (due to husband's guilt) and is more like a peer to husband than a son. SS views these visits as getaways from the people who are his "parents" in his life. It's just getting increasingly disruptive to our daughters and our family activities. All I will say about the reasons for the exclusion of SS is that they are complex, and began as a direct consequence of husband's actions, and it is necessary for our daughters' well-being. It's an unfortunate choice that needed to be made. Husband struggles with it, and I hold my breath waiting for it to end. So when will that be? God I hope it's sooner than 4 years, but if not, then so be it. I just want my husband home! and his paychecks to stay in his hands!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

So when you say your husband is gone every other weekend....where is he visiting with his son? In a different town/state? Does he stay at a hotel or what? I'm confused.

I would also like more information regarding how this unusual situation came to be. Did your stepson ever come for visits EOW at your house? Or has his dad always seen him privately?

It all seems rather unorthodox. What do your daughters know about their father's other child, their brother???


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

So all you want is for DH to not ever see his son at all? I understand that there can be reasons why it could be too disruptive to have a teenager around your young children, but he's not around! I'd understand a whole lot more if there was a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, disrespectful, porno-watching teenager in your house around you and your kids EOW. But he's not there! I'm sorry but I don't really see how this is any disruption to you or your daughters except that DH is not home every other weekend. That may not be ideal for you but you knew he had a son when you married him.

I'm not trying to be nasty to you, and I'm sure you don't enjoy DH being gone half the time (along with the CS money) but this is just one of those things that you have to accept. Please don't try to make your husband feel guilty about seeing his son in hopes that it will "end" sooner. Maybe SS will want to start seeing DH less, maybe he won't - the only thing that is certain is that four years from now will arrive in ... four years, one way or the other. You don't want to be in a position four years from now where DH and his son are estranged for life and feel that you may have contributed to it.

Now, if all you wanted to do is vent; that's another thing. Venting is good! Better to vent to others rather than DH; that's what I do. :)


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

"luvonlymygirlz"

"The reasons my SS is not part of my household are not the issue, and I am not looking for that to change, or for advice or opinions about the facts of my situation.

I believe if you are not in my shoes, you will not understand and will lash out at me, which I will ignore.

Exorbitant child support

do we really have 4 more years of these disruptive slumber party weekends?

like normal teens from nuclear families

disruptive to our daughters and our family activities

Husband struggles with it, and I hold my breath waiting for it to end.
So when will that be?
God I hope it's sooner than 4 years, but if not, then so be it.

I just want my husband home!

and his paychecks to stay in his hands!"
..........................................................

Poor husband!

Poor boy!

Your screen name tells the whole story.

You only want responses that are "on your side":
Sister, you've come to the wrong place.

& the fact that you're declaring in advance that someone who's "not in your shoes" will "lash out" at you tells me that this isn't the first time you've expressed these cruel opinions & these selfish desires.

Define "exhorbitant".

Yes, you have to "endure" the "slumber parties".
If you refuse to allow this child in your home, you must tolerate your husband's absence.

If you aren't willing to do this, please send me your husband's name & telephone #, & I'll find a warm-hearted woman who appreciates a responsible man who will take him off your hands.

& who won't begrudge the child support he'll have to pay for his daughters.

Your husband's son isn't likely to ever *be* a normal teen in a normal nuclear family as long as his father's wife won't allow him in the house.

Your husband's son's presence was disruptive when, when he was in "your" home or now that he isn't, & in what way?

If your husband has any bells at all left, no, it won't "end" in 4 more years when his son turns 18;
it'll continue for the rest of your husband's life.

If you've succeeded, & it sounds like you have, in completely neutering him, your husband will no doubt be entirely your property when this boy turns 18;
don't begrudge a 14-year-old the intervening 4 years.

If you just want your husband home, I suggest you open the door to his *son*.

& your last statement speaks for itself as eloquently as your screen name.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

It's obvious by your user name that you have a serious issue with SS. Whether it be dislike, disdain or jealousy, I cannot attest. Let your husband have his time with his son... you talk about 4 more years as if it's a lifetime... it will go by fast. I suggest if you want to stay married, that you put this situation right in your heart, I know it's uncomfortable to have hubby away, but realistically, you & daughters have him 86% of the year while his son has him 14% (generously figured).

You said yourself, the visits are getting less frequent. I'm sure that is due to the fact that SS is getting older, and will most likely want to to start hanging out with friends rather than his Dad on the weekends. You've been doing this routine for 10 years... 4 more won't kill you. It's just a shame that you can't have SS around and there is an exclusion factor. I'm sure you have good reasons.

As far as hubby treating his son as a peer, being in the position of a part-time Dad, this is not a suprise. Hubby is able to have more of a friendship type relationship because of the situation. There is a dynamic as the kids get older, as well... a parent can talk to there older kids more like "friends" because the child is more understanding of many things. You will (hopefully) find this later on when your girls are teens. I don't know any kid on this Earth that won't allow their parents to spoil them, so the gifting is not unusual either. I'm sure it has a lot to do with guilt on hubby's part... but that's not going to change, you'll have to live with it.

Hang in there, it will be over before you know it :)


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

You should be very careful of what you wish for, I believe.
My partners children - D 15, S 17, stopped having a relationship with him Oct last year. By stopped, I mean - no response to calls, tm's or emails. Refusing to come on visitation - with their mom backing them up. Not being home, actually in another state, when we went to pick them up for Thanksgiving. His ex has never been supportive of his relationship with his children. She calls when they need money in addition to the CS, which he gladly sends. He always had a great relationship with his kids - really. I had a lovingly detached relationship because their mother was so jealous. Why did they stop? He can not get an answer. He attempts to contact them often. Once he "talked" to his son when his son TM him in error - meant to TM a friend. His son acted like nothing was wrong. Nothing is seriously wrong as far as we can tell. He still gets all the school information, so keeps track of them that way. They are healthy, because we get the doctor bills. He discussed this with a lawyer who bluntly told him his options. As teenagers they can choose where they spend their time. We do not have the $ for a court battle and for what results?

Looks golden in your eyes, eh?

Well, my partner, whom I love and support dearly has slipped into deep depression and is under psychiatic care. I can not decribe how devastating this has been to him and even to our relationship. We will survive this, but he is mourning the loss of his kids. We are both in counceling to handle this 'sitch'.
I would not wish this on my worse enemy, let alone someone I love.
And yes, 4 years will go by in a heartbeat, why take the little he has away from him?


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

I wonder where does he go? where does he sleep?

his son deserve to have a father, you should not tell a parent to not see his child, would you want to be told to abandon your children?


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

Sounds like a pretty severe case of Get out of my nest! syndrome...
So you've certainly pushed him out of the nest -- Trouble is he hasn't quite gone away yet.

But he will. Someday, fairly soon, I expect, he will look at that powerless, spineless 'friend' that's supposed to be his father (the one who protects and defends his son) and walk away in disgust. Maybe it will happen in four years. Maybe after hitting Dad up for college. Or maybe after several years of costly counseling to work through the pain caused by knowing that his father allowed you to push him to the outer fringes of his life.

You made your own bed.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

I dont understand what you mean by exorbidant CS. CS is normally based off of a chart. If your DH is paying a lot, it generally means he earns a lot. Also, while I would expect the visits will start to wind down, in some states parents can be ordered to pay for college.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

--"I dont understand what you mean by exorbidant CS "--

I read it to mean any amount that takes one dime away from her/her kids is far toooooo much even if it's a small amount. Just as I read one minute of father's time/attention spent on that pesky first kid is one minute toooooo much.

OP does not like that the first child exist and she'd just rather her husband have absolutely nothing to do with kid, including both time and money or any feelings toward. I think it all came across pretty loud and clear?


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

This post has to be a joke. Between the screenname and thw title and just the whole post its a little much to believe. If this post is real the dh is a spineless whimp. And the poster is in need of some psychiatric help to get over her narcissism.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

I'm wondering where all the kudos are for the OP from the BMs who don't want SMs to have a relationship with their step-children. It is quite clear that the OP isn't trying to "overstep her role" or doing any of the parenting or being too affectionate with her SS - and I'm pretty sure that SS isn't wondering whether or not to get her a Mother's Day card! So where's the love? Could it be that possibly being a completely and totally hands-off (and apparently unseen) SM might actually be worse than being a too loving, too caring, SM?

(Yes, I realize that SM is apparently hoping that SS just disappears from DH's life entirely. But, to her, DH is neglecting her children at the expense of some faceless, unknown son who has nothing to do with her or her kids.)


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

who are the BMs that do not want their children to have a relationship with a stepmom???? I do not know any. Are you referring to people you know in real life? I am lost.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

But, to her, DH is neglecting her children at the expense of some faceless, unknown son who has nothing to do with her or her kids. -

And that is OK????? Its not.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

It is hard for us to understand when we don't have enough information. I am also lost.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

I don't think it's a joke at all;

here's a link to the only other match for the screenname, made back in December 2007.

"marmie22" sure sounds like "luvonlymygirlz", & "luvonlymygirlz" didn't register until "marmie" started getting blasted.

"marmie" hasn't been heard from since, & yet her situation, right down to one stepson & 2 daughters, including ages if I figured right, are identical.

Here is a link that might be useful: interesting post


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

My point was that there have been several posts recently about how SM should know their place, not overstep their role, not try to co-parent, etc. All things considered, would you rather have a SM to your kids who truly loved them but was a bit overly enthusiastic or one like the OP?


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

but it isn't "either/or", one extreme or the other, someone who wants to own your children or someone who wants your children to vanish from the face of the earth.


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RE: I bet not one person has a sitch like mine.

"My point was that there have been several posts recently about how SM should know their place, not overstep their role, not try to co-parent, etc. All things considered, would you rather have a SM to your kids who truly loved them but was a bit overly enthusiastic or one like the OP?"

I don't remember any posts like that, there were posts about GF who says she co-parents, don't remember about SM.

You ask me to choose SM between two crazy choices? one crazy behavior or the other crazy behavior, well... neither. Why do I have to choose between two abnormal options? My DD's SM is pretty good, no crazy behaviors.

And overly enthusiastic one was not even a SM.


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