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The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

Posted by mornor85 (My Page) on
Tue, May 25, 10 at 13:25

I am 25 years old, and only about two weeks into my marriage. My husband and I have been together for two years, and he has 11 and 13 year old daughters. The 11 year old and I get along fine, and she loves me as if I am her mother. The 13 year old, however, hates my guts. In the beginning, all of us got along just fine. Then she started dating boys. When she got a little too close to this boyfriend, she confided in me that she was doing some things that no 12 year old should be doing. I knew the moment the words came out of her mouth that everything was going to go bad. I of course, had to tell her father the information that she had given me, and when everything came out in the open, this girl turned on me so quickly. For months, she opted out of her every other weekend visits. She would try very hard to convince her father to leave me, making up stories of how mean I am to them when no one is around. Of course, the 11 year old always has my back. Also, their bio-mother tries very hard to make the 13 year old be nice to me. For an entire year, I walked on eggshells with this girl, making sure she wasn't left out of holidays, and just trying to be nice. I was always met with a cold shoulder and a dirty look. Finally, one day I snapped and got in her face and told her it wasn't my fault that she made a bad decision and that I had to be an adult about it. For a while, she seemed to have come around, but now I can tell she's faking it, because when we're alone, she still won't talk to me. The week before we got married, she informed us that for no reason whatsoever, she wants to move in with us. I of course, have no choice in this matter. I almost postponed the wedding, but I love my husband, and I want to make this a happy marriage. We never fight about anything but her. And we never even fought about her until the moving in thing happened. I don't know what to do!! This girl makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I know they were here before me, but I don't have children, and I don't usually have people that don't like me. It's getting to the point where his excitement that she's moving in makes me angry every time he mentions it, because I know my life is going to be hell. I'm already searching for ways to work more hours, anything to limit my time at home, which of course, isn't what my husband wants me to do. ADVICE, PLEASE!!!!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

Hiding out, especially in a brand new marriage, is not the answer.

I'd be more inclined to talk to husband about a set vistation schedule that works for both homes and the girls go back and forth. The new idea of moving in may have more to do with thinking she can work dad and dad's rules better than she can work mom. She may think it's worth putting up with you if she gets what she wants in the end.

In her eyes you have become the betrayer, the evil friend she thought she had that ratted her out. Yeah, you did what had to be done, but that's not how she is going to look at it. I have a hunch dad and non are a number of years older than you and daughter thinks of them as old parents while she thought of you as young and cool and a really neat friend she could share secrets with.

I would not take her 24/7 at least until dad and you have serious talk, set serious rules that must be followed (how was this girl at 12 allowed to be alone doing things with boys?)and assure what is in the child's best interest. Does she have proper supervision for example after school if dad and you are both working? Is she running away from mom because she does not want to follow any rules?

I think first dad and you talk, then dad and mom talk and all figure out what is best. It sounds like there is no problem between mom and you, and that's a big bonus to start with...it would be worse if mom and you did not get along...and mom thought you just didn't want her daughter around. If child is wanting to flee mom too, mom will be able to better understand and hopefully you can all work out together the best arrangement, consistent rules and guidelines between households ect.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"thinking she can work dad and dad's rules better than she can work mom"

LOL, I was just gonna say, she's had a skirmish with her mom!

I'd guess she thinks she can achieve 2 goals by moving in with you:

she can sabotage her mother, & she sabotage you better than she's been able to from her mother's house.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

I of course, have no choice in this matter. What?! Your DH has no business just proclaiming to you that SD is moving in. Even if this were a situation where it was obviously in the girls' best interests (BM is sent to Afghanistan for work or something) common courtesy says he should at least run it past you first; you would then, of course, agree. But I don't see how this is necessarily in SD's best interests (her real best interests, not just what she wants), or DH's, or yours, or BM's!

I feel so badly for you; you've just gotten married and I know are exhausted right now with all the wedding stuff finally having finished, and just wanted to curl up with your new DH. But you've got to talk to him about this or he'll think that he can just keep making decisions like this without consulting you.

I agree with justmetoo that maybe more visitation is better for now, and some very clear rules need to be set before her moving in.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

why can't a child move in? where does it say moms always have to have children full time?

I understand adult children move in issue should be discussed, but a minor child? why must she live with mom?

I agree her behavior is unacceptable but does it mean poorly behaved children should stay at moms? what about nice kids? come to dads?


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"and just wanted to curl up with your new DH."

if you just want to curl up with a new husband, you don't marry a man with children.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

FD: OP has been married two weeks. This is not a crisis situation necessitating an immediate move; this is a 13 year old's whim. And who here said that kids can't live with Dad? The only comments I saw were where people were saying that the adults decide, based on what is best for the child, not where the child decides. And SM is Dad's wife; she is at least entitled to express her opinions about it to him.

Where do you draw the line? If SD announced that she was moving in and accompanying them on their honeymoon would you agree that that was fine, because if OP didn't like it she shouldn't have married a man with children?


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"why can't a child move in?"

Depends on the REASON she wants to move in. Some kids want to move to where they think they will get away with more. If she thinks dad is busy preoccupied with new wife, maybe thinks she can do whatever she wants... or if she is trying to escape mom's rules. Both are BAD reasons to move. Kids need stability, boundaries & guidance, not to be allowed to just bounce to where they think it will be easy. She may also have an ulterior motive to try and cause problems in dad's new marriage.

"where does it say moms always have to have children full time?"

Lots of dad's have children full time. If the situation were reversed... same answer. My SD once told her counselor that she wanted to go live with mom because she thought she could break up her mom & the boyfriend. Not a good idea to let kids decide such things.

"I understand adult children move in issue should be discussed, but a minor child?"

It should be discussed no matter what age the child is... if it's going to affect the household & parties, everyone involved should be in on the discussion.. including mom.

"why must she live with mom?"

She should live where she will have the best situation.

"I agree her behavior is unacceptable but does it mean poorly behaved children should stay at moms? what about nice kids? come to dads?"

Are you serious? Where does anyone say that? If that is the case, I will go pack SD's things & send her to live with her mom.... geez! Lots of dads are dealing with kids that have problems... the PARENT that is better able to deal with the problems or that is going to provide a better situation for the child, that WANTS to parent the child.. should have the child. As said before, it should be discussed between all the parents.

Just because the kid WANTS to move to dads, does not mean mom will allow it or that dad is prepared for it. He's excited but is he PREPARED to do everything for her? If he is not going to consult & discuss this with his wife, he should not expect her to 'parent' his child. He wants her, he should understand that having her live there full time is nothing like every other weekend. School work, activities, etc. on top of behavior problems.. wanting to be on the internet or cell phone, dating, loud music, sex. So much involved in parenting a teenager and if mom is all for the change, that would be a sign to me that she has had enough & dad should take note of how difficult it will be. I tend to think guys are generally clueless in what it takes to raise a teenage daughter. It is probably much easier to do if they get the child when she is young & grow into it, but to take on a difficult teen that is running from mom's rules & he has never been a full time custodian of a teen girl.... besides wreaking havoc on his new marriage, if he were single it could still be a nightmare.

and yes finedreams, I know your DD wasn't anything like that so you don't see what the big deal is.... but this girl has already been involved in activities at a young age, has hostility toward the stepmom, and doesn't want to live under her mother's rules anymore.. and mom is okay with that, probably because she's had enough. If I were handing out advice, I would suggest dad be more supportive of the mom (more than he already is) & tell daughter she needs to stay where she is. They need to create a united front and work together. If the girl had a good reason to want to live with dad, it might be fine. But allowing kids to run from one set of rules or to be disruptive is not good for the child, even if it's what they WANT.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"and yes finedreams, I know your DD wasn't anything like that so you don't see what the big deal is.... but this girl has already been involved in activities at a young age, has hostility toward the stepmom, and doesn't want to live under her mother's rules anymore.. and mom is okay with that, probably because she's had enough."

She was not awful, or involved in ridiculous activities, but she was difficult in teenage years. I don't think it meant parents can just refuse their kids.

At some point we were considering a possibility of her living with dad, and dad was for it, but we decided against it for some reasons, and not because she behaved poorly.

"If the girl had a good reason to want to live with dad"

I never knew children have to have good reasons to live with their parents.

Also if a girl truly is troubled and mom cannot manage what's wrong with dad taking charge? Or he wants to "curl up" with a new wife with no disruption? i don't understand this attitude at all.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"At some point we were considering a possibility of her living with dad, and dad was for it, but we decided against it for some reasons, and not because she behaved poorly."

Finedreams, I would assume that it was decided between your ex & you, to be BEST for your daughter to stay living with you... THAT makes my point exactly. I did not say that parents refuse kids because they are behaving poorly. I said it should be discussed between all the parents (including any steps that are going to be affected) and that it should be what is BEST for the child, not necessarily what the child WANTS. Kids don't always know what is best for them or they may not want to do what is best for them. That is the parent's job to decide.

And yes, there should be a good reason to change custody. The courts require it and when the child is having problems, the motivation for moving NEEDS to be considered. Children should not get to decide based on them wanting to disrupt the other parent's new relationship (as my SD has admitted wanting to do) or JUST because they don't like one set of rules & they think they will get away with more at the other house. THAT is not in the child's best interest because kids need stability & parents that are going to be parents. My SD WANTS to go live with her mom. Her mom would let her come live there (because she would not be obligated to pay support to DH) but then we already see that mom lets older sister do whatever she wants... staying up all night, being on internet unsupervised, roaming around town unsupervised, wearing make up, cussing, watching anything on tv and letting them stay up watching late night shows after mom has gone to bed.

There is nothing wrong with dad taking charge... IF he wants to take charge. OP's DH sounds like he's excited and I suggest he needs to actually think about how much work it is involved in taking on a teenager that he has not been the primary custodian for.

OP did not say he just wants to curl up with new wife... someone else suggested that he may want that. They are newlyweds. SD may see dad as preoccupied with the new marriage & want to either take advantage of it & be where he won't pay much attention & she can do what she wants. Or she may want to sabotage the new marriage and it would be easier to do living there than living at her mom's. Those are just assumptions. OP has not stated any of that as fact.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

BTW, I said: [you] are exhausted right now with all the wedding stuff finally having finished, and just wanted to curl up with your new DH.

My SS went on our honeymoon with us; partially because we could not trust BM not to cancel and partially because we felt that he too deserved a vacation after the wedding. We were all exhausted afterward. Even for a kid, it is a lot of excitement with relatives coming in from out of town, etc. The "honeymoon" was two weeks after the wedding; we all spent the next day curled up together watching movies. Please don't take parts of my posts completely out of context.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"FD: OP has been married two weeks."

and? even if they got married yesterday, where do kids suppose to go if parents remarry? she knew he has children, and kids moving in is always a possibility, not like it is a neighbour kid. It is his own.


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more

In OP case SD clearly is not supervised properly at moms place, so living at dads might be the best decision. the fact that SM does not want her or SD dislikes her, is not good enough reason.


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the last one

"That is the parent's job to decide."

Yes, it is and it was decided. And dad is excited for her moving in. It is SM who is unhappy, two weeks into marriage and already unhappy over his kids.

And it might be because she does understand that many 13-year-olds are difficult, nothing unusual.

"but I don't have children"

When you'll, you'll see that they can be a pain in a neck, and there are times you want to work long hours even if these are your own children. You can't marry men with children and not want kids around, no matter how much you don't get along. You always have a choice-men with no children. Until she is at least 18, she has rights to be there if you like her or not


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

Finedreams, you seem bent on beating that horse beyond death into smithereens, LOL, but I'll give you a partial win inthat OP should have not taken the trip down the aisle if she was going to protest the situation immediately afterwards. And OP admits she almost postponed wedding because of it. So why is she protesting now?

The time to have discussion and decide living arrangements and children schedules was prior to making that march, not afterwards. She knew when she said 'I Do' that daughter was already set to make the move in.

I'm not saying daughter should or should not be with mom or with dad. Both parents have a responsiblity and maybe a 50/50 between both houses would be best, or one home over the other a larger percentage. I'm not implying mom should be stuck with problem kid nor am I saying dad should get off his duties just because he has a brand new marriage or that daughter should not move because SM does not like the idea.

I'm more concerned that where the daughter is has the ability to monitor her actions (supervise a teen)and help her through the difficult teen years. Teenage girls are scary creatures, they throw hissy fits and think the world revolves around them. They get mad at parents, dislike rules and glare at you and punish you by not speaking to you if they think it will be effective...when you have a child or marry a person with previous existing children, you have to be willing to accept it comes with the territory. I'm not sure this OP realizes that, nor do I care if she likes what she's getting just because it's not as rosey as she thought it'd be.

Kid should go where it is that can best take care of her. Where is the court order and what has the visitation schedule been? Who was in 'charge' of daughter when daughter was fooling around doing things should should not be? These are things that should be being considered and discussed between the two bio parents and worked out.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

"Finedreams, you seem bent on beating that horse beyond death into smithereens, LOL, but I'll give you a partial win"

If that's the case (with beating a horse) what is your point of repeating exactly what I said just in different words and at a greater length? Pretty funny. And it is not the first time.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

That would be because you have a poor habit of stating things in a manner that is not clear in your attempt to be concise.

Rather like when you stated a poster was 'petty' in her feelings last week, yet then spend many post there after trying to wash away what you actually said and turn it into how you actually meant it.

You say to others what *you* think is clear yet a good deal of the time others take it in a completely different sense of meaning than what you than come back and profess you mean/t. Yeah, pretty funny. And certainly not running on a low count...it's the norm.

If you want people to know what you want to actually say, and what your point/opinion actually are, spit the words out in a clear manner....yet you continue to say half statements without much meaning and then come back and back trying to push your point without ever making a clear precise case of what your point is.

Don't like what I say, don't read what I say, but don't get your feathers in a ruffle when I call out how nonsensical it is.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

You sound angry, don't get your pressure up. I am not that important.

You don't have to like my opinion on the issue, you don't have to like how I say it and in what manner, you don't even have to read it, you can just skip my posts. It is that simple. You must have a lot of free time analyzing my posts and typing up what I said and how I said it about something that has not even related to you or even retype same things again. Like I said, just skip my posts, but I guess you can't ;) hahaha

I am leaving for work.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

I suppose you think you have summed me up pretty well, but you don't even come close.

Make me angry? In you dreams...just like *you* think you've offended me by assuming *I* don't work.

Not counting OP, out of the first 13 postings here, you've taken up 6. Once two in a row, once three in a row...thus my observation which was said light heartedly with a *LOL*.

You take yourself way too seriously, but you have a great day trudging off to your 9 to 5.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

I appreciate all the comments and concerns, and I wanted to reply to a few comments that were made here. First of all, to any poster that made the comment that I shouldn't have married a man if I didn't want his children. This is NOT the case. I explained that I did everything in my power to make his daughters feel comfortable in my home, and my SD just does not appreciate that from me. I don't know about all of you, but living under the same roof with someone who refuses to talk to you isn't a comfortable situation for me. And yes, maybe a part of me was selfish in wanting to at least have one month of getting used to being married before picking up the full time mother status, but I don't feel like I am in the wrong for that at all.

I personally don't feel like our situation will be the best for her. DH works 12 hour days, and sometimes 6 days a work. I work fulltime, plus go to school. We are barely home as it is. I have already made it clear that his decision to let her move in will not interrupt my classwork, and that I am not a soccer mom. She is very active in sports, and I know that part of her motivation for moving in was that her BM only let her participate in one sport at a time. (He would let her do as many as possible.)

I have recently started to feel sort of bad for SD. Ever since her decision to move in with us, her BM has basically shut her out. She doesn't attend her games, and has made a point to devote more time to her own stepchildren (She married a man with 4). However, I have a hard time believing SD when she talks about how badly she's being treated at home, because used to say similar things about me.

Long story short, I'm just going to have to suck this up. I'm planning on making an appt with a therapist to make sure that I handle everything the right way, and all my stress doesn't drive me insane. Again, thank you for all of the advice. I may not be too thrilled about her being here full-time, but she is just a child. I have the power to influence her, and maybe I can correct her bad attitude and things will get better. But she will only get worse if everyone acts like they hate her because of this. Thanks again.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

mornor85, I hope that you stand firm with your husband and make it clear that he will be the primary caregiver. If you give in and take this on without WANTING it, you may soon resent your husband... if it affects your grades, your schedule, your work. If he works that much, it sounds as if the primary responsibility will fall on you. That is not a problem if the stepmom is open & willing to do that, but you already know that it's not what you want. There is nothing wrong with not wanting that, you are not her mother & she HAS a mother that obviously does not want her daughter to leave her house... otherwise she would not be using emotional blackmail to guilt her into staying.

It's tough enough when you WANT to take on the responsibility but when you say "I'm just going to have to suck this up." and need therapy to deal with the stress... that may be the beginning of the end for your marriage. Yes, she is just a child and you may have some influence... maybe, not always. and if you think you can correct her bad attitude and things will get better, let me tell you that even thinking about trying to step in and correct something her own parents can't correct will be your biggest mistake.

I feel bad for her but really, her mom seems to want her to stay and dad won't have time for her. Really, he needs to say no, you live with your mom.. you need to follow mom's rules... and be supportive in that way. This isn't about his new marriage, if you didn't exist would he take custody of her and be able to keep her involved in all the sports she thinks she will get to do? The grass is always greener with kids, but allowing them to make the decision when the person that the responsibility will fall on is not their parent, and not thrilled about doing it... that's a recipe for disaster.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

If the issue is not with mom wanting SD to leave or not raising SD properly and if dad is never home, then it is a different story. She wants to play sports, well too bad, one is enough. Mom and dad should sit down and discuss what's the best. They can't pile it all on you. Their kid, their responsibility.


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RE: The stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us

mornor, sounds like a lot to take on two weeks in to a marriage. I feel that this is your home first with your husband. A child doesn't make the call on where to live. The parents do, DH and BM. Talk to DH and tell him you are just not ready given the situation. Maybe later, a little later, when the dust settles and your marriage certificate shows up.

She thought you would be cool and hip, which you may be, but you were an adult first. She is punishing you. Who needs that especially in the early days of a new marriage? If you and she get in to a cold war who will that help?

Take your time. Let your new husband know you need the time. You definitely have a choice in this unless it's court mandated. Kid mandates don't count. Their mandates are wishes and desires that's it. Sounds like you are lucky with the BM who wants her to treat you with respect, as she should all significant adults in her life. Not to mention that this is a good "teachable" moment. You can't act ugly and then move in on your own say so, little girl.


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