I do have to agree with bm that it is a pain getting kids to practices and games for organized sports. My ex wanted my son to play sports on a team that his own father coaches (my sons grandpa). Anyways he signed him up and paid costs, but guess who got the pleasure of driving 20 min each way to practices (which lasted 1 1/2-2 hours each) that are 5 days a week at the end of summer and early fall, and then drops to three days a week till winter? Yup, me! And guess who had to have him at games on Sat. mornings at 8am? Me....his dad would show up right before the game most times.

This year I am going to say if you want him in it then you figure out the driving because I am not doing it all. My son really didn't enjoy playing on the team because the practices took up so much time and he is only 9, but he did enjoy seeing his grandpa a lot and having his dads whole family make a big deal out of his games.

But I would not go as far as to "loose" a medical form!

A__'s soccer is nowhere near that time commitment. It's one or two nights a week, (once in awhile it's three, but that's very rare) In the summer it's in the park that's a 10 minute walk from BM's house, and in the winter it's in the soccer center that's about a 10 minute from our house.

It's fine that BM doesn't want to be involved in soccer, but I think it's ridiculous that the medical form went missing while in her care for 24 hours... And I also am a little peeved that she has never been to a soccer game or practice to support A__. Last winter, I thought she had been to one or two, but have more recently found out that it's zero.
It also sometimes bugs me that she says she wants A__ to be more socially capable. She goes on about how A__ needs better decision making skills and better motivation to do well in school and such, which organized activities such as sports or scouts have been shown to promote, but doesn't do anything about it, and hampers the efforts of A__'s other caregivers who are trying to have him participate in things that could help!

Continuing on this theme - A__ has a lot of trouble with his speech. His Rs Ls and Ws are all a smooshy W sound. His Ch, Th and Sh are all interchangeable. Words ending in T - such as aunt - are often pronounced ending with a K sound. Most kids his age are past sounding like kids and can properly pronounce most phonemes, and kids can be really mean to others that have trouble with their speech.
I know because I had a lisp as a kid, that I grew out of (with a LOT of hard work) in grade 2 - with occasional slips until about grade 5 and still have a few words that I just avoid because they are tough for me. I recall how much I was made fun of when I had an occasional "thlip" as an older kid (9 or 10) and was worried A__ is facing that all the time. I had spoken to FDH about A__'s speech and encouraged him to listen to other kids A__'s age to hear where they are. He followed my suggestion and heard that A__ is quite behind. He suggested to BM that A__ do some speech therapy, but her reply was "Meh, he'll grow out of it"
That was a few months ago. Last week, A__ told me he was mad at a kid in his class because "he made fun of how I talk". If A__ mentioned it to me, it's probably pretty bad... I suggested that he talk to his mom about the kid who made fun if him for how he talks.
I know it would be SERIOUSLY overstepping for me to enroll A__ in speech therapy and I won't do that. But I'm really concerned that he his pronunciation/understandability is about on par with most 4 year olds I know, and WAY behind any other 8 and 9 year olds I know. So I'm frustrated that his mom doesn't seem to care!!

why did the coach give you the form?

and yes i agree that whoever signs kids for sports should be doing all the driving unless both parents agree to take turns. so if dad wants him to be in organized sports, he sould do all the driving. but since SS is at dads only once or twice a week mom will be the one to do the work, or grandma, or grandpa or whoever spends more time with the kid ...And it does seem that everyone else drives SS not the father who wants SS to be in sports!

it is nasty "to loose" the form of course, but i would just honestly tell my X: if you want to sign DD for sports and then you can drive. If BM wants nothing to do with sports why is she required to fill out the forms?

DD did horse back riding and I drove back and forth but it was because DD wanted it, and i was up to it. Not because X wanted her to go but then asked everyone else to do the driving.

I see nothing wrong with BM not wanting to drive to sports, but of course she should not throw out the form.

I feel like I'm feeding a troll, but the coach gave me the form because FDH and A__ went ahead to the car. They scampered ahead because A__ wanted to go to the car right then and I waited in line for the form. I don't recall why A__ wanted to go the the car right that moment (maybe another drink was in there, maybe he was tired and wanted to sit down, maybe he was cold and wanted his jeans, I don't remember and don't think it matters). FDH went with him to unlock the car and I picked up the form.
If you want to know why I filled it out, FDH asked me to because I have neater writing. I got the information from BM because she called while FDH was at work and I just said "We have to fill in this medical form for soccer- do you have a second to tell me his health card number and such?".

"If BM wants nothing to do with sports why is she required to fill out the forms?"
BM didn't have to fill out the form. All she had to do was give me the relevant medical information over the phone (which she did) and then not lose it for 24 hours while it was at her house (which she didn't do)

"And it does seem that everyone else drives SS not the father who wants SS to be in sports!"
Huh? Where'd you come up with that? The only other person I mentioned taking A__ to soccer is FDH's dad. Now, FDH's dad was actually the big push behind putting A__ into soccer, and FDH said "when I am not working nights, I can take him, but you guys will have to when I am on nights". So it's not like FDH signed him up and then vanished, leaving the responsibility with everyone else. By the logic of "whoever signs him up should take him", Papa should take him all the time, but FDH likes to do it when he can and Papa does it when FDH can't.
FDH didn't previously have A__ overnight many school nights because of his work schedule. His schedule prevents him from ever doing both school pick-up and drop-off. So with regards to soccer, on weeks when he worked 7:30 to 3:30, he would usually pick A__ up from school, take him to soccer, then drop him with whoever had him for the night. When he worked 9:30 to 5:30, he'd pick A__ up from where ever he was, take him to soccer and then either keep him for the night or take him to BM's or GM's. If he was on 3:30 to midnight, obviously taking A__ to soccer is out of the question.
Now that I am around to share the pick-ups and drop-offs, and BM is OK with this, we can have A__ on more school nights and I sometimes take him to soccer when FDH is on nights.

A_ also has adhd. Its highly possible that he himself lost the form, by taking it out and looking at it, and now doesnt want to tell you.

A lot of times, working with your stepchilds other family means believing the best of them, even when your gut tells you otherwise.

Yup, Kathline, it does require the benefit of the doubt. Which is why I prefer to think that it got accidentally lost at her house (whether by her or by A__), and not that she maliciously disposed of it. Either way, and no matter who lost it, it's the sort of thing that I'm frustrated by and had to vent about.

Ceph,

I hope I did not sound like I was arguing with you. I think it is wonderful that you and fdh have A___ in soccer, and obviously do most of the driving (since you said mom was at 0 practices or games). And I do think it is sad that the paper was lost in one day. I recommend not sending any important papers there in the future. With my son I have learned not to send any important school papers with him to his dads because they get left behind and never found again! I would rather send the teacher an e-mail saying I have the paper and will send it the following day then have it lost!

And for the record, I see nothing wrong with you picking up papers from a coach if your the one driving the child to the sports! Geez...its not top secret documents...its a health form!!

LOL - No, I don't think it's a top secret document either!

I knew what you were saying - that it's frustrating to have to be responsible for something the other parent wants the kids to do, and that it's frustrating when the other parent interferes with something you want the kids to do. You were just having your own vent about the same general subject :)

ceph, though some think you shouldn't pick up forms or you and FDH shouldn't sign A up for sports if mom doesn't want to drive I think it is wonderful the time and effort you and FDH put into working with A. Your posts show the improvement in actions and behaviors. Again I say he is blessed that you entered his life. Without doubt he will become a more productive adult because of your thoughtful efforts.

unfortunatelly when parents get divorced, it is almost impossible that parenst will agree on everthing 100%. In fact they got divorced because they could not agree. If parents would be so 100% on the same page they would still be together.

It is also wise to not always wait and expect the other person to do the work. If I would sit and wait until X signs DD for something or takes her to whatever treatements, i would be still be sitting and waiting.

If custody arrangements do not allow the other parent to be as involved time wise or decision wise, then maybe it is wise to apply for custody change. not taking kids to necessary medical treatment is pretty big offense and courts might reconsider custody arrangements. If i would repeatedly neglect DD's needs, X would ask for custody.

so it is not productive to complain what the other parent does not do. If X would be a prmiary care giver and would not do what he needs to do and I would not able to change it due to custody arrangements, i would be in courts asking for 50/50 or full custody. Not just complaining but doing something.

i actually think its very important for A_ to be in sports, since he has Adhd. Maybe if BM were to get a few article sent to her, in a very nice way of course, about the positive aspects of sports on kids with ADHD, then she may change her mind about the driving.

I cant remember if A_'s bm is remarried or not. Perhaps her reluctance to drive is because she is exhausted at the end of the day. Being a single parent is pretty tough. Most of us have done it and remember what its like. And then there are some people who are still single parents, even though they are married. Their spouse just doesnt pull his or her weight.

Blargh!!
We're not complaining that she doesn't take A__ to soccer! There are plenty of available drivers to take him.
We're complaining that a form, left in her care for 24 hours, that she didn't even have to sign, went missing.
We've been occasionally slightly annoyed that she has never been to a single game or practice to show support of her son, and when she has hampered the other people taking him to games by saying "I don't know where he'll be tonight, you can call around to find out whose house he is at"

I'm also concerned about A__'s speech troubles that she won't take any action for. We could do all the work, we'd just need her to be on board for speech therapy and be willing to do his "homework" with him. Heck, I'd drive him to every appointment if she needed me to!

We don't care that she doesn't do the work, we just want her to not make it harder by losing forms and so on.

you didn't get my point. If the other parent does not sign kids up for what they need such as speech therapy or doctors or whatever is needed, then the other parent should do that. if custody arrangements do not allow the other parent to be as involved, then they should go to courts and ask for changes in custody arrangements. I bet if judge finds out that kid is denied treatment for somehting because BM refuses to sign him up, he would revise visitation schedule and custody agreements. if one parent believes that medical needs are neglected by the second parent, then it needs to be addressed in courts.

it sound like that SM who complained that BM never takes SD to a dentist. Then dad needs to do that!!!

We can't get the custody changed to allow us to sign A__ up for speech therapy, because there is no custody agreement. I suppose that FDH could just put A__ into it, without BM's consent, but that seems like it would lead to trouble.
I think FDH will bring it up again once school is out, with a little research about what it costs, where he could go, etc, so all she'd have to do is say OK... But who knows if she will or not.

Ah yes sports and mixed families always a treat ... not so much.

We have dealt with all kinds of nonsense with BM and the sports thing... I put the boys into football with no real clue on how hard it was going to be for me. But, I would/am doing it again. After several mishaps we simply stopped sending the actual info to bm but rather just made a copy and sent her that. (which sometimes caused grief because on the days she would show up to practice and games for some reason she was under the impression that everything should go home with her... and we had to explain that we will be more than happy to send in info AFTER we had made a copy of it) and we ended up making the boys change their clothes at practice so we would actually have their pads and what not the next day without me having to slip out of work early to drive all the way to her house to pick up the pads and drive clear across town to our house for the boys to change and get ready for practice in time...only to find out that she never bothered to take the pads out of the plastic bad in the trunk of her car so everything was still soaking wet from the last practice... what fun. And, that is not even including the emotional turmoil at having to deal with being the person doing all of the work and then watching her play super mom (oh my babies my babies) when she did bother to show up (usually when someone else was coming like a teacher or someone) but hey in the end the boys loved it ... and I think it was really good for them... so despite all of the continuing drama... I will do it again. Like you said you know now... make a copy.

The speech therapy is another thing... if you feel that strongly about it have FDH push for it... it doesnt matter if it was originally your idea... if is something good for him then so be it. I tend to have the opinion that I refuse to let a child fall behind simply because no one else is willing to do the work.. I dont care whose kid it is. I was doing so long before I had skids so I will continue to do so epecially with my skids.

I agree with Finedreams that there really isn't a point complaining about something that the other parent doesn't do, then the one complaining needs to do it!

However, Ceph has a different situation than most and in her first post she did explain she was just ranting. IMO, it's a lot different than the hemming and hawing about BM and what she is or is not doing.

M-o-4, frustrating, hey?
Why anyone would let yucky sports equipment fester is beyond me... A__ is 9, so we don't really expect that he always know if his soccer stuff is clean or dirty, but he knows that if his soccer socks are balled up and sweaty, they will be gross next time he goes to wear them, so he shakes them out when he takes them off.
You'd think that your SS's mom would be as wise as A__!

you would think...but apparently that was very difficult for her and a constant frustration for DH especially (he is a little anal about clealiness) So, we stopped letting the football equipment go to her house... a couple of moldy shirts and socks... and having to wipe all the equipment down (pads included which if your child hasnt played football let me tell you is a pain in the umm neck) and we clued in.

I could have my own rant about SD and activities, but I doubt you all would care to read it, so I'll just address the speech therapy.

My DD9 had very delayed speech. I had her hearing tested when she was two because she said nothing but "mama". Hearing was fine. I took her to a speech therapist for an evaluation, but my insurance at the time didn't consider it "medically necessary"; therefore, they would not pay for any of it. It was too expensive for me to enroll her and pay for it at the time, but the nice staff there gave me a whole huge packet to work on her with at home. That helped some, but by the time she was ready to start kindergarten her speech was still very delayed, and I was worried because I was one of the few people who could even understand what she was saying.

Fortunately, our school system evaluates children and offers speech therapy free of charge. They would just take her out of class a few hours a week to work on it with her, and they also sent home "homework" to practice at home. As she learned to read and write, she became much more conscious of her speech and which letters she was pronouncing incorrectly. This year is the first year they determined that the speech therapy was no longer necessary:)

Ceph, maybe FDH could check with the school to see if they offer such a program. If it were during the school day, nobody would have to make any kind of a time committment, other than helping with "homework". If not, maybe you could visit a speech therapist in your area and ask them for a packet to work on. You seem very perceptive as to which sounds A__'s having trouble with. Then you could just help him at home. It would be better than nothing.

My DD4 has trouble with ch and r. ch comes out sh, and r comes out w. Sometimes I just have her say "choo-choo" like a train and then say the ch word..."choo-choo-chair". Or we practice "rrrrr" like a lion..."rrrrr-grrrandma". It seems to help some. Hopefully if she's still having trouble when she starts kindergarten next year, they'll put her in the speech therapy.

Anyway, I hope maybe I've given you some helpful suggestions on that because A__ is getting to the age where the taunting by classmates is only going to get worse. Sometimes kids just aren't nice.

Thanks Oh My!
So far my approach has just been to read aloud a lot with A__. We take turns reading paragraphs (I read one paragraph, he reads two) so that he can hear my pronunciation and I can help him with his. If I choose the books, I choose ones that he will like, but that have lots of tough words (like Dinotopia - A__ loves it, but it's got a lot of big words that he doesn't know and are hard to pronounce). That way, I can compliment when he tackles a phonetically tough word successfully, without making him feel dumb because they're "easy" words. I can also stop him on some mispronunciations (but not all) to say "try that one again: 'armoried'" and we practice it a few times and move on.

It's also shown me that he doesn't just not know how to make the correct sound, but that he doesn't always hear the difference between the sounds he has trouble with. For example, a character in Dinotopia is Henriette (an enormous chicken creature) and he pronounced her name as "Enwiekke." I said "Try that one again, her name is 'Henriette.' I bet you've never heard that name before, hey?" He repeated Enwiekke, I repeated Henriette, he said "Yeah, that's what I said." This has happened quite a few times, with pretty much all of the sounds he struggles with. I don't think it's impatience and wanting to move on in the book, because he seems to genuinely WANT to say it correctly, I'm pretty sure he doesn't hear the difference.

A__'s reading comprehension and vocabulary are way above grade level, and he has no qualms about piping up with "What does this word mean and how do you say it? J-o-v-i-al?" So I'm pretty sure he's not unenthused about learning. Since he reads quickly and well, FDH and I don't worry that we're interrupting his flow of reading by stopping for his phonetically tough words.

I remember the kind of stuff my mom did with me to help me with my childhood lisp... And it included pretending to be a snake, while making a sssssss sound, then saying "hissssssssssssssnake!" or dancing around like a goof saying "sssssssssssssilly!". Once I got better at that, I got practice sentences like "Silly Sam serves supper once the guests sit down".
I guess am hesitant to do that sort of thing with A__, both because I don't want to make him feel like a baby (I'm not sure how to tranfser what mom did with me at age 6, to appropriate for A__ at age 9) and because I don't want to overstep and piss off BM when we've made so much progress lately!

Haha, it's funny how things change from me b!tching about a soccer form, to discussing speech therapy techniques in 20 posts.

"i actually think its very important for A_ to be in sports, since he has Adhd."

Kathline...that is a great point. Bio mom should appreciate that her child can benefit from being involved in active sports. Also, correct me if I'm wrong here, but being a parent means making a few sacrifices am I right?

I see some of the same posters who said it was UNFORGIVABLE for a parent to ask an ADULT child to call before dropping in say it's OK to not let young kids be involved in extra curricular activies because mom doesn't want to drive. Thats very interesting. I guess the whole "My door is ALWAYS open...my kid's come first" only applies if it's convenient.

I understand exactly what you mean about not hearing the difference in sounds.

My sister had a slight lisp when we were younger, but she outgrew it...or so I thought. In college I took a medical terminology course, and I had my sister read me the words so I could practice their spellings. All of a sudden I'm writing th instead of s all over the place. Never noticed that she still hung onto that lisp until I was really listening closely to her pronunciation. I do not hear it in day to day conversation with her, but I can hear it if I listen very closely.

Maybe you could practice "spelling" things with A__. Like say, "Write how you think "Henriette" should be spelled." Then follow that with, "How do you think "Enwiekke" would be spelled?" Maybe that would get him to really listen to the differences. Also, I don't think something like that would make him feel like a baby at all.

It's really great that A__'s reading and comprehension is so good. My DD with the delayed speech still struggles with reading. She has a lot of trouble sounding out words, mixes up the letters and stuff or just sounds out the first syllable and then guesses at the rest. Her comprehension is not so great either. She just brought home a paper where they had to infer what certain words meant, such as, "The owl's keen eyesight helps him see his prey. What does the word "keen" mean?" She had no clue, and I really have trouble explaining how you infer meanings, but I also don't want to just tell her the answers.

I am surprised that the school hasn't offered him speech therapy. It is undoubtedly the most commonly provided service in our elementary school, and speech (as opposed to language) therapy often has very quick results. Speech therapists are experts at teaching pronunciation techniques. On one occasion, my three year old went into speech therapy unable to pronounce "thr" at all, and, half and hour later, emerged from the office fully capable of pronouncing "threw," and "thread," etc.

I am surprised, and saddened, as well. I took speech therapy as a 1st grader for my r/w problem. I certainly hope budget cuts have not taken that program away - it made such a difference in my life.

my point is that if DH wants to be involved he needs to get custody agreement. no, he can not sign him up for anythjing because he is not a parent in the law's eyes. if he applied for adoption and it was denied, he should appeal stating special circumstances such as he has been raising this child since this child was young or infant or whatever. it is quite possible that his wish could be granted. if not he should appeal again. if he cannot obtain adoption, maybe some formal visitations could be obtained. my point is that unless he did everything possible to obtain his name on kid's birth certificate and his name in custody agreement he cannot call it: I did everything. until then he has to accept that mom is the only parent in the eyes of a legal system.

once again if A has such a severe speech issue, school would dicuss that with the parent and offer it. it should not cost anything because schools provide that for free, unless fo course speech issue is not that serious. DD used to pronounce some sounds wrong (tch as s, sh and s)but when I took her to a specialist, I was told it is normal and give her more time. it went away on its own.

i also wonder if BM gets CS from anyone. probably not.

TOS, I don't know why the school hasn't offered him speech therapy. They have offered help with his ADHD, but AFAIK, not his speech.

JNM, I think speech therapy would be covered or subsidized under our provincial health insurance, but I'm not certain. I can ask my brother, his daughter has done some speech therapy because when she didn't have as many phonemes when she was three as she was "supposed to".

FD, I have explained this before. It's out of the question for FDH to adopt A__ because it is no longer legal for white parents to adopt Aboriginal children. AFAIK there has never been an exception granted since the law came into effect. BM never keeps A__ away from FDH, so we don't need formal visitation. Why drag us all through a bunch of expensive legal crap that no one needs or wants?
I have also explained before that FDH doesn't pay a set CS. He gives BM money for A__ as she needs it. Even when they were together, she wanted to keep primary financial responsibility for A__, with help from him. He is very generous when it comes to what A__ needs financially. She also gets some from her mom and FDH's dad. So there's plenty of people supporting A__ financially.
I'd really appreciate if you dropped your fun new vendetta against FDH and I. You used to be mostly constructive, but lately all you've done is pick apart FDH without offering anything remotely helpful and I'm sick of it. Who the h3ll are you to say what he should and shouldn't be doing? You know so little about our situation because you forget everything that I say about it. Maybe you can't wrap your closed mind around that our situation is unusual, or that Canadian laws are different. I don't know, but I'm sick of it.