Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Posted by lamom (My Page) on
Thu, May 6, 10 at 12:48

Well, DH asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do Mother's Day. I told him that I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant that we only can afford to visit at most once a year or every other year, flowers and so on. If not, a really nice bar-be-cue (DH is a great bar-be-cue chef) and invite the skids. I have already been invited to a Mother's Day event at a social club but put off accepting or declining while waiting for DH to solidify plans.

This morning DH tells me that SD36 has been calling back and forth about arranging a Mother's Day gathering with SS30's GF/babymama and possibly BM. Since they live way out in the far flung suburbs and don't drive there has been a lot of discussion regarding logistics (we'll drive, you pick them up from the train station, you take them here or there etc.) Since it fell apart as most things do when SS and GF are involved I just shrugged and kept moving.

But, and this is not the forum for marital issues, what in the world was my DH thinking to ask me what I want, let me think it was coming, then spend ANY time talking to his skids about what they want which is the bobillionth accomodation from me? Mother's Day with BM???!!! At this point, I would rather have brunch with my mommy friends, let him kiss the behinds of his grown kids, SS's GF and ex-wife alone and enjoy myself.

I'm a mother and Mother's Day is my day. The more they think I should dilute my time with their conflicts regarding their BM or SS's GF, the less time I want to spend with them or accomodations I want to make. DS7 has made me a card at school and semi secretly spent his own piggy bank money to buy me a little rose plant. I am choking up typing about it as I think about those people to whom I am related through marraige who still think the world revolves around their old, now 18 years defunct, nuclear family world.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I guess I don't really understand. You ask what DH was thinking but I kinda wonder what you're thinking too. Were you expecting SD and DIL to attend your Mothers Day function for you? Yes, you are a mother. But DIL is a mother, she has the same rights to plan her day as she sees fit. SD has a mother that she can choose to spend the day with.

In other words, I don't see why their plans should upset you? If I'm reading you right, they are open to celebrating with you and BM but you're upset that since you're a mother you should get to spend the day as you see fit. Well, they are all either Mothers or have a mother -- shouldn't the same courtesy apply to them? So what's the issue again? Your DH didn't plan this for you? I'm curious as to why you think others would want to do this with you without gaining their input beforehand when they are either mothers themselves or have a mother they want to spend the day with. In other words, this is a special day for all involved so why should it be about you only?


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I think maybe lamom was upset about the prospect of spending her Mother's Day celebration with people (albeit mothers themselves) whom she didn't really want to have there (SS's GF, BM). I don't think she was expecting SKids to have to give up other plans that they had, nor to spend the entire day with her- but simply to show up for a while if they were available and wanted to come.

If I were invited to a Mother's Day meal at my SM's, I wouldn't think about announcing that I would come but needed to bring my mother! A simple "No, thank you. I have plans and can't make it" would suffice.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

"Well, DH asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do Mother's Day. I told him that I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant that we only can afford to visit at most once a year or every other year, flowers and so on. If not, a really nice bar-be-cue (DH is a great bar-be-cue chef) and invite the skids. "

Asked and answered. He's being spineless. Go to your social club event and have a good time.

DH asked what he should buy with DD. I said I don't want a present but I'd like some flowers picked from the yard and breakfast in bed... that sounds good to me. If he then tells me we are going to Ex-W house for BBQ I'd be PO'd too. I'd decline, and take DD for a hike or something. And be irritated. He would have no reason to go there on Mother's day unless HIS mother was going to be there.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Exactly, DH shouldn't be concerned about Mothers day celebrations his adult kids have planned for his EX.

He asked, you answered, he made other plans to cart his grown kids around to see his Ex. I think I'd not only go to the social club but have a nice FAT shopping trip too. Been there, I'm so sorry. Your little one sounds like a complete dollbaby though.

(hugs)
~Cat


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Nivea,

You don't understand because you don't want to understand since you are a stepchild. DH has his kids trying to unload the grandkids on US/me for Mother's Day weekend. That is not how I want or expect to spend my Mother's Day. I am mother to DS7 not the skids or their kids. Is that simple enough?

Now I am thrust, one more time, in to the role of bad guy. I don't want his grandkids this weekend especially not on Sunday, Mother's Day, MY DAY. And, I am now beginnning to feel that DH is one of "those" people when his grown kids are in the mix. I am now one of the people on this board who may end up in divorce court for, among many things, being stupid enough to be saddled with stepchildren. For thinking I could work it out, for thinking my husband wouldn't be manipulated by them year after year, after year.

Got it now?


 o
Nivea, more

No Nivea,

I don't want SD or BM with me on Mother's Day. I also don't want DH's grandkids either. Or SS. I never said that, implied it or anything else. How did you cook that up? I only wanted ONE lunch on the one day (ok, the 2nd day with the first being my birthday) with MY FAMILY DH, DS7 and people who love ME, one that is about selfish, old me.

Now, DH is angry because he and SD made plans expecting that I would love nothing more than to spend my day with DH's grandkids. Wrong and now, once again, I am in the black hat because I'm so selfish that I don't want to spend Mother's Day with people who don't consider me to be any kind of mother to them. (Thanks to KKNY for hammering that point home.)

And on top of it, DH and I have argued about it, about THEM. He barely pays attention to these grandkids and all of a sudden, on Mother's Day, spending time with them is so important. Important because SD36 made it important for herself, SS and BM.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Believe me, I get it.

I'll be spending the day cooking for 15-30 (who knows? Nobody RSVPs) so Hubby and all of his brothers and sisters can honor my MIL. Granted, she's a peach -- but I'll be working my tookis off all day entertaining. (Kinda like my birthday. Christmas. New Years. Thanksgiving. and Easter.)


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Have these people forgotten what a 'treat' you got spending the Christmas holidays during that get-together?

Your Dh is mad at you? Tough. He didn't seem to have a problem when BM was reaming your buns and setting you straight (the world according to BM and HER family) a few months ago, but on Mother's Day you're the bad guy. Pfft.

Do your luncheon with your son and friends and/or book reservations for 2 (son and yourself) at the restaurant you'd first requested and nuts to this bunch.

A handmade card made with lots of love and a plant bought with saved pennies...that's what Mother's Day is about, enjoy your day with your son.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

" I am now one of the people on this board who may end up in divorce court for, among many things, being stupid enough to be saddled with stepchildren. For thinking I could work it out, for thinking my husband wouldn't be manipulated by them year after year, after year. "

LA, totally feeling you here, really. How dare we not want to spend our mothers day with people who couldn't give two s**ts about us! Ugh-get real! Sooner or later, we just GIVE UP trying to please or be a part of the lives of kids who hate us simply because we exist, and the the mothers & fathers that excuse their horrid behaviors towards us because they are (adult)children of divorce. So was I and I never behaved so hatefully towards my stepfather. (I realize this isn't everyones scenario, but for LA & I it sure fits the bill)

It's just SO not worth it.

Enjoy YOUR mothers day-you deserve it!
~Cat


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Lamom, you said this: "I told him that I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant that we only can afford to visit at most once a year or every other year, flowers and so on. If not, a really nice bar-be-cue (DH is a great bar-be-cue chef) and invite the skids."

You told him if not the fancy restaurant, a lunch with the stepkids. So he worked off what you told him. He chose not the fancy lunch, he chose with the stepkids. You should say what you mean, mean what you say. Most people would think the stepkids have children, so if you don't want Mothers Day with the grandchildren -- you need to specify it.

But as usual, stepkids are wicked and just doing it to spite you. It couldn't possibly be that they were trying to work with your DH and extend the hospitality to you, if you chose to accept it. They were doing it on purpose and willfully knowing full well that you wanted nothing to do with those pesky grandkids on Mothers Day lol.

When you look for the worst, you will always see it.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Wait, are there posts missing??? I hate it when they do that.

LAmom, thing is he shouldn't have asked you if he wasn't going to at least try to deliver. EVERYONE deserves a day for them.


 o
RE Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I'm sorry, but what part of this includes what LA asked for?

"This morning DH tells me that SD36 has been calling back and forth about arranging a Mother's Day gathering with SS30's GF/babymama and possibly BM. Since they live way out in the far flung suburbs and don't drive there has been a lot of discussion regarding logistics (we'll drive, you pick them up from the train station, you take them here or there etc.)"

She didn't ask to have a gathering with BM, simply a bar b q and ask Skids to come. No where in her post did I see mention of wanting to A.spend the day with her DH's EX, nor transporting invited Kids. I saw, bar-b-q, invite them, period. don't understand why her DH had to get sucked into all the baby mamma, transportation & Ex drama.

~Cat


 o
RE: another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I don't think she looks for the worst, but sadly that's what she usually gets. Even when she does her best to accomodate those that treat her like total crap.

Prepare for the worst, and you might get a nice surprise. If not, well at least you were prepared!

~Cat


 o
RE: cat

And that's her DH's problem, Cat. She said she wanted the skids invited, so it's not a stretch to assume they would need help with transportation as they've needed it in the past. We've heard on and on about how ungracious and uncaring these particular nasty, horrible stepkids are. Of course they'd want to push BM on Lamom on Mothers Day. They've been planning all year to make this day as horrible as possible for Lamom lol. It couldn't possibly be an attempt to honor EVERY mother in the family and trying to figure out the logistics of how it could work. What stepkid couldn't resist the possibility of offending a stepmom with their mothers presence. I mean, really. The nerve.

Honestly, they were probably in a misguided really clumsy way trying to do what you asked and satisfy all parties. Why can't you just say no thanks? And perhaps look at it in a positive light.


 o
Nivea and any one else who thinks as she does,

To Nivea and any one else who thinks as she does,

I said what I meant. The bar-be-cue with the skids vs the fancy restaurant was my request. What I am being handed is babysitting, no Mother's Day celebration and some more "take it for the team" BS. To make it clear, the grandkids are to be dropped off for Babysitting, no nice, fun, family bar-be-cue for Mother's Day or anything like that.

My DS7 has already bought his little rose plant. I found it in his closet under some shoes. I watered the poor thing and on Sunday, I will ooh and aaah like I've never seen a rose although we have roses planted all around the house. But, enough with the pretense of the skids and their kids. Like FineDreams has said, I have a 1/2 way normal SD and nutso SS, a hostile BM like so many here and an ambivalent husband. How far should I ride on that?

Because Mother's Day as it relates to me is irrelevant (their mother is a nurse and is working at the hospital and so is SS30's GF on her job) of course, babysitting is what I would just love to do. DH told me in the heat of the argument that because BM is working and GF too, that's why he and SD have constructed the weekend plans. Mother's Day is for Mothers and I am not that!!! Thanks again KKNY for stripping any pretense, Nivea too. Not even DH if his phone jangles with another stepkid demand. Do you think those kids are going to show up with a $2.99 supermarket rose plant and handmade card for me? Me, the go to for money and babysitting when all else fails? Last year, DS cut roses from my own bushes and I kept them alive as long as I could. Zero from these stepkids and stepgrandkids you think should matter to me. Yes, I'm upset right now.

It won't be a fantasy when I am not around on Sunday, at a brunch with my girlfriends and possibly a hotel stay, I mean a fancy hotel since I'm not getting the fancy restaurant. I've called my friend with the social club and will be drinking mimosas by the sea, literally, on Mother's Day. And a fancy attorney just in case to make it work out for me and mine. Thanks again to KKNY, Miss Nivea and all who think as they do for letting me know who is and is not MINE.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Tee Hee,

"And a fancy attorney just in case to make it work out for me and mine. Thanks again to KKNY,Nivea and all who think as they do for letting me know who is and is not MINE. " Me and mine means me and DS7. Everyone else, watch yourselves. Roses and champagne and saying no to brats is cheaper even when the brats are over 30 years old.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Ok, so it goes from : "This morning DH tells me that SD36 has been calling back and forth about arranging a Mother's Day gathering with SS30's GF/babymama and possibly BM. Since they live way out in the far flung suburbs and don't drive there has been a lot of discussion regarding logistics (we'll drive, you pick them up from the train station, you take them here or there etc.)"

To you being a babysitter. Which scenario do you want responded to?

I don't think it matters which one it is in any case. Go do what YOU want for mothers day. Dayum, why are you letting them take up so much space in your head? Really, who gives a flip what they want/they are doing etc? Your SS is not someone I'd leave my dog with. Your SD tries, but your not her mother. Who cares if they give you a cheapo Mothers Day gift. Does it really even matter?

You've got a great son, celebrate it!


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

My question is this: why would DH give 2 sh*ts about celebrating Mother's Day with BM and SS's GF? He is DIVORCED from BM and SS's GF should be getting treated by SS. That leaves OP without anyone to treat her when it should be DH treating her.

I'd be BEYOND PIST if my DH did anything for BM outside of saying Happy Mother's Day! She has her own husband to treat her.

The ONLY thing I agree with Nivea on is that this is a problem with DH. Not the SC. The SC get away with what DH lets them.


 o
RE: ashley

Ashley, because LaMom said if not fancy restaurant, invite stepkids. If she said invite them, it's logical to think it is priority for her special day and is trying to figure out how they can all get together.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

How does ---"I told him that I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant that we only can afford to visit at most once a year or every other year, flowers and so on. If not, a really nice bar-be-cue (DH is a great bar-be-cue chef) and invite the skids"---translate into "It's a priority for me to spend the day doing nothing but babysitting grandkids, forget the dinner, to heck with the nice BBQ I just want to pretend it's Mother's Day for every other Mom but me and just babysit'??


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

"What I am being handed is babysitting, no Mother's Day celebration and some more "take it for the team" BS. To make it clear, the grandkids are to be dropped off for Babysitting, no nice, fun, family bar-be-cue for Mother's Day or anything like that. "

When she said "invite the SKids", I'm pretty sure that mean "Hubby - You cook something here and we'll have a relaxing day at home. Invite the Skids in case they can come."

That's NOT what she's being handed.

Sounds like the perfect time to declare a 'Mom's Day Off'. Maybe let DS7 take you out for a luscious breakfast, then drop him back with Dad to go party with the others while you spend the day (and night?) with yout girlfriends. Sounds perfect to me!


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

SKs certainly should be with their mother, and you could be with your DH and your child. I don't see any need for everyone to be together.

Is he planning on going to event with his ex??? I would either do something with my own child or go to a club like you said, certainly not to be with his ex!!! what is he thinking?

i see nothing wrong with SKs being with their mother and their kids for Mother's Day and planning their own events. i just don't understand why should you and your DH be there too? Weird.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

FD, Nivea etc.

There have never been any plans for me to spend any part of Mother's Day with BM or SS's GF. Or interest in same on my part. Plans have been calculated for them but never included me or my agreement. Ever. Never. But because they have to work, Mother's Day has been downgraded to "LaMom should babysit the brats day." Mother's Day is for them. I am a nothing to them. How can they make it more plain?

Yes, I will enjoy my son's roses, his sweetness, his life and love. All others, clear out.

I can't put it any more simply.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

Nivea, "We've heard on and on about how ungracious and uncaring these particular nasty, horrible stepkids are. Of course they'd want to push BM on Lamom on Mothers Day. They've been planning all year to make this day as horrible as possible for Lamom lol." Nivea

The LOL at the end says it all on the overall thinking and attitude. Mother's Day is just a once a year, greeting card holiday that a lot of people take seriously. In fact, most people take seriously. Seriously enough to send flowers and snubs. Shame on you for not growing up on this one yet.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I don't take it seriously. I think it's a stupid holiday, as do I think most "greeting card" holidays are. Valentines especially.

AND....

When someone asks what you want to do for one of those, and you give them an answer, the gracious thing to do is to try to make the day special as they asked. That does not mean getting into a huge argument about the "special day" especially with the supposed "special guest".

So, maybe DH really misinterpreted and there was poor communication. When LA said, that's not what I want, DH should have revised the plans, not given her grief.

I'm glad you're going to the club. I'm glad your son thought of you. I have a tomato plant coming to me from DD and I couldn't be happier. It's about the kids being able to show mom some love and "do" something for her because she does so much for them. My dd is PROUD as a peach to be able to do something for me. That's what it's about!!!


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

lamom I don't think you should babysit their kids on Mothers day, they should be all with their own mother. I don't make a big fuss over this holiday, I think people should do what they want. Do what you want.
I also do not think they need to include you in their plans. They have their mother, maybe they just wanted to be nice trying to include you? just say you have other plans...

i hope DH is not going to go celebrate Mothers day with ex. It reminds me of ulrike's DH who wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with his ex. Some men are just insensitive or never detached from exes.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

FD,

They are only including me in their plans to the extent that includes babysitting the grandkids. The real deal I now know is that the mothers day that this is being engineered for is their grandmother, BMs mother and BM. There is yet another gathering of "the family" this time at their grandmothers vs aunt.

I can truthfully say that not only do I not have a problem with this but that is the right thing to do as BMs mother, Skids grandmother, is well in to her 90's and every day is a gift. They should rally around her and celebrate her and even I can step back for that to happen.

Just don't push me down to do it. I am going to the social club brunch for Mother's Day. DS7 may come with me or may have some other plans. I think them wanting to celebrate their elderly grandmother is right, I think them riding roughshod over me is wrong. I won't bore you with how I was to be used to facilitate the gathering at grandma's for Mother's Day.

To make those plans happen, they need babysitting and a chauffer service to drive the stepgrandkids home. Here's the usual kicker, SS30 won't even be there! This is his elderly grandmother too! He is taking this as a personal weekend, no wife (working), no kids shipped to SD36 and me, everyone wrapped in Mother's Day so he going to the casino with his buddies. Meanwhile, SD text messaged me to heat the swimming pool "for the kids." The noive!


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

So you're saying that the plans that were made for you for your Mother's Day consist of babysitting your adult SS's kids while he is gambling with his friends!?!? Along with babysitting adult SD's kids while she goes off to see her BM and grandmother (a nice thing for Mother's Day, to be sure, but it still her responsibility to find a willing babysitter!)

I'm sorry but that is so appallingly inconsiderate, selfish and presumptuous that I'm laughing out loud reading it! Surely they can't be serious?! Do they not understand that they are supposed to be adults, and responsible for their own children and not pawning them off on others?

Have a lovely brunch. I hope it is very relaxing and pleasant. You need it.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

"I'm sorry but that is so appallingly inconsiderate, selfish and presumptuous that I'm laughing out loud reading it! Surely they can't be serious?! Do they not understand that they are supposed to be adults, and responsible for their own children and not pawning them off on others?

Have a lovely brunch. I hope it is very relaxing and pleasant. You need it."

AMEN!!!


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

wow lamom, so SS wants to go gambling and you'll watch his kids on Mother's day? and SD asked you to heat the pool? You got to be kidding me...what a nut job. he has no car yet goes gambling? go enjoy yourself, what a crazy messed up family.


 o
RE: Another Mother's Day thread-not going for it

I'm venting. If only I had found this board or something like it before marrying a man with children. As so many BMs on this board warn, if you can't handle the baggage, run the other way.

I've stood up for myself, have not participated at all in babysitting, took DS7 to his usual Saturday activity, gskids had to wait for him, whining "why can't we go", and spent some time with a good friend later. I'm catching up here and am going out with some other friends later.

DH has apologized for "the confusion." SD dropped off some snacks and pool toys and ran out of the house like a thief in the night. I came home, took in the scene, made a sandwich, checked in here and will be getting ready to leave the house to DH and his progeny much to his dismay.

That's what happens when you have been desperate for something, as I have been for acceptance from his adult skids. You can end up with "skid" marks. The hard part is that DS really likes/loves his nephews and they like him. It warms even my cold, cold heart to see them together enjoying each other.

Looking forward to Mother's Day with the social club, dinner with DH, skids and sgkids explicitly not invited now and digging my moat deeper.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here