NP. Didn't realize I transposed. My fault. I'm not saying OP is like my SM. But I want OP to have the perspective of a SKID rather than another stepmother. Some adult SKIDS don't know when to get out of their parents business and are really brutal to their SM/SF. It's my opinion that the OP and DH are perfectly within their rights to marry and have kids - but the DH's kids have the right to not like the SM. BUT... the DH needs to set boundaries for his wife so that she is treated with respect as being dad's choice of partner. That's what my dad DIDN'T do. He made it clear he was wishy-washy, I never expected them to marry as he *just wasn't that in to her*, and she was really not nice... So, being in my early 20's I stood up for, and protected, my dad. Which was not my place. But kids will do that before they realize better :) And my dad did play both sides but it took me years to figure that out. HA! Two years ago he was visiting with out her and he said all this stuff about her... blah blah blah... and I kept quiet. Finally he stopped. And indicated he wanted a response from me. And I said... do you want my opinion? Or are you just venting? Because I could see the difference. And it IS inappropriate for him to talk to me about her. But welcome to my relationship with my father, lol. Not much OP can do though. Sounds like Skids are pretty set in their opinion of her. So my advice is not to let your child be in any situation where people/family would be venomous but do make every effort to have him know his siblings. If SD's won't let you stay in their home, you and DH should stay somewhere else. I really dislike my SM (but she has been incredibly mean and vindictive and selfish) and I still allow her to stay in my home, make her feel welcome and do my best to treat her as a guest when she visits. So either you've been REALLY HORRIBLE or your SKIDS aren't grown up enough to bite their tongues and take one for Dad's team. So. #1 priority is keeping your son safe and in a good environment. #2 priority is your relationship with your DH and #3 priority is doing your best :) to encourage a good relationship between DH and DS and the rest of the family. Not much you can do to change their minds but to live your life and try not to hold a grudge. I hope they come around. It would be a shame for your son to miss out on knowing his siblings and nieces and nephews.

I'm so sorry for all of your recent losses. Truly, the timing for your SC's arrival was horrible, and I wish their father would have put his foot down and simply said "No - This is not the right time." But that's old news... Sadly, it's not unusual for Bio parents to undermine their 'replacement' steps... And that's unlikely to change unless somehow, the BioMom can be made to realize that having two good mothers is SOOOOO much better for her children than having one "good" one (her, of course!) and one that they dislike and disrespect. But that can be a difficult understanding to reach, and it would be virtually impossible for you to help her reach it. Any chance your husband could help? Or your MIL? The book 'Divorce Poison' is a wonderful resource you should definitely look into. It's all about handling Ex's who undermine you in destructive and damaging ways. About how to 'take the high road' without 'lying down' and silently taking the abuse. For example, you know BioMom's mad about failed marriage #2, so in a way, her blaming you for failed marriage #1 makes sense. It's not fair or accurate, but I'm sure you can understand her feelings. Well guess what -- so can the SC. All you have to do is explain it to them kindly, truthfully and respectfully. Everyone says hurtful things they don't mean sometimes -- it's not unforgivable. Let them know that their mother is hurting, and that's why some of the things she's saying aren't true. That everyone makes mistakes and that our goal is to forgive them. (Bring God into it if that's relevent for you and for them.) I can understand your pain at how SD trashed all of the lovely things you bought her. But try not to let that hurt you. Instead, simply let her live with the trashed stuff, and know that she is the one sleeping under that stiff comforter and having to wear those bleached-out clothes to school. If she asks for more stuff, the most natural answer in the world is that you won't be buying any more nice stuff until she has demonstrated she is responsible enough to take care of it. You're probably right that they will be back. And your sense that its not right for the kids to ping-pong back and forth according to whoever offers the best deal of the moment is right on target. But when they do indicate that they want to come back, I'd insist on some ground rules. Chores for everyone, respectful treatment, allowances, responsabilities -- you know what to do. Let them see the expectations and buy into them before they move back. FWIW, you sound like a wonderful person and a really good parent, and I'm betting this is something you can and will work through. 15 years from now, those SCs will be so glad you're in their lives. May it happen much sooner --

Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

This is such a complicated problem. There are going to be hurt feelings all over the place. I know that it hurts BM for her daughter to want to leave, but it's not like she didn't see it coming in plenty of time to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for it. You have stated that SD has said she has always wanted to move to your home for high school. BM should be preparing for this. My son's BD has been "conditioning" him to come live with him when he turns 12. In Texas (where we live), children can fill out an affidavit stating which parent they wish to live with, but it is ultimately up to the courts. Just because he "wants" to go live with dad doesn't mean the courts will think it's the best situation for him. Anyway, I have been steeling myself for this for a couple of years now and he's only 9. I still have 3 years before this is even possible. But I know that my DS wants to share time with his dad, whether I like it or not. BM needs to realize that she does not have a monopoly on SD's raising and sometimes she has to let go. Hard.....I know and it probably seems impossible. Just being candid, I know how hard it is to NOT "coach" your children into what to say to the other parent. So many times I've wanted to tell my DS what to say to BD because it might keep the peace or make me right about something. But I've always stopped myself because I don't want my son to ever have a reason to be mad at me. Sometimes DS will say "Dad lied about that" or "You don't have to cover, I know he lied". They know when their parents are lying and I think it's hillarious that a parent thinks she can tell a 15 y/o to lie. She's got to know that she's old enough and smart enough to see whats going on. As far as discussing these things with the children, I think that you have to guage each children's maturity level individually. My DS is 9 and FSD is 13. DS is WAY more mature emotionally than FSD, even with 4 years separating. FSD refuses to stay home alone for any reason and freaks out. DS is ready to stay home alone (which he does not do yet). We've been teaching him about safety and what to do in certain situations. FSD won't even hear about it. She begs to not be left at home alone even though she is of age. She is just not mature. My BF made the mistake of telling her that the puppy (who was only 8 weeks old) has round worms, which is normal for every puppy. She flipped out, told her mom the dog had RING worm (definitely not the same thing) and wouldn't touch the dog for 2 weeks. We even took her to the vet and had the vet tell her the facts about round worm (that it's hard for people to get and that almost every puppy has it). She still wouldn't touch the dog. We told DS and he asked 1 question: "Can I get it?" We told him the truth and he went on with everything as normal. Hugging and playing with the dog. So we know what we can discuss with FSD and what we can't and the same for DS. No matter how hard a family tries, the kids are always put in the middle of different ways of parenting. It's just so much more pronounced in divorced families. I wish you all the best at your meeting and that this will all work out smoothly! (Sorry for the long post)