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my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Posted by mommy5 (My Page) on
Tue, May 4, 10 at 12:29

I need some advice and help. I have 2 kids of my own from a previous marriage. My bf has 3 kids from a previous marriage we both have full sole custody. My bf's kids mother is a drug user and hasn't see her kids in awhile and has blaintly chosen her addiction over rehab and being in her 3 beautiful children's lives. I am a home-school teacher and run an in home daycare. I love kids it is my passion. All my daycare kids and my own kids adore me. I am very strict and structured. I have to be i have 6 adopted kids that live in my home plus my own 2. My bf's kids have been giving me and extremely hard time. The 3 yr old will poop and pees his pants on purpose. the 5 yr old does the same and screams and calls me a mother f****er when i put her in the corner. The six year old has vandalized things in my house on over 6 occasions in a month period.My bf has a very tough time with enabling them, making them exceptions to rules, i know its bc he blames himself for there mother not being around. I love my bf, and i love kids but i need to find out what stance i should take. sit back and let him do all parenting even though he wants me to participate. hang in there, and get ready for a bummpy ride? any feedback i would very much appreciate!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Hi Mommy5,
Can you help me with the math here?

I have 2 kids of my own from a previous marriage. My bf has 3 kids from a previous marriage...i have 6 adopted kids that live in my home plus my own 2."

2+3 =5
or
6+2 =8


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

the 6 adopted kids are my partners and i have two and my bf has 3 so i guess house size when they are all here is 6+2+3=11 lol


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

I would imagine it's not *you* they dislike, it's the undesired structured/ rule abiding setting that they are unfamiliar with and resenting.

If these kids were going to regular daycare/preschool/ kindergarten they would not like any better than they like you both they would be expected to learn how to behave or be booted out.

The kids are 3 and 5, whether they attend your setting or a different one, this is an issue that has to be dealt with.

I think as far as in the 'home' setting (evenings/weekends) when dad is around he might do all the parenting, but when the kids are in your hands during the week daytimes, you need to forget you're dad's GF and handle the kids in the same manner you do all the other children attending your daycare/school setting.

Dad not handling these kids now, he's going to find himself in a real mess when the kids might start say a public school and behave and treat the teacher the way they are you now.

All those kids, oh my, brave woman you are.


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RE: //my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Your partner in the daycare?


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

thank you very much! Yeah the 3 yr old is attending a seperate daycare and has quite a few issues. notes being written home everyday . He hits, bites screams and throws chairs and his shoes...they all constantly cry for there mom as soon as somethig doesnt go there way. When they are really trying to get under my skin i will be talking to them and they will request there mom and i will send dad over and they give him a huge guilt trip. I lost my mom at 5 i know its not easy i try to be empathetic, but there is a difference between being sad and using it as a manipulation tactic.


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RE: yes

yes my partner in the daycare and i homeschool her kids..


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Sorry... I got it now!!
"My bf has a very tough time with enabling them, making them exceptions to rules,"

It's his problem. You guys need to get on the same page with discipline and nip this behavior in the bud immediately. Otherwise you will be the bad guy.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

mommy5,

"It's his problem. You guys need to get on the same page with discipline and nip this behavior in the bud immediately. Otherwise you will be the bad guy." Silver Absolutely.

So there are 5 kids that are your kids to raise and manage if my arithmetic is straight. Your business partners kids don't really count even though you are home schooling them too. But, get rid of anyone who is disrupting your business, your day care. Any and all.

You have GOT TO nip it in the bud. A five year old using profanity and calling you out of your name?! OMG, I can't say here what I would do but it would be so old school that the kid would never forget it. Pre-historic. What would your mother or better still, grandmother do? Do that! Do it now.

If this is how they are, they need to be in another daycare situation first and foremost. You are running a business. I know people with home day cares, they are businesses and are run as such. What if the other parents hear about these wild kids? Your husband's guilt or whatever doesn't change anything productively. Don't be the bad guy, don't be a matyr and don't let these brats mess up your business.

If I were a mother dropping my kids off at your daycare and I saw any of this unruliness going on, I would be looking for another provider. Consider that.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

thank u very much! yes believe me i think my mother would have killed me using such profanity. i remmeber sayimd damn it when i was 13 and i will never forget that day! lol..I have definitly been sharing these responses with my bf, and i will re enforce the time outs and sentence writing and chores etc, but spankings it will definitly be "wait till your father gets home" absolutly correct i dont want to be the bad guy, and my daycare never appears to be out of contol bc i am so structure and will segregate the kids if i have to, based on melt downs.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

"If I were a mother dropping my kids off at your daycare and I saw any of this unruliness going on, I would be looking for another provider. Consider that."

Absolutely!
I would not want my own children around kids who behaved like that, and I'd seriously question the ability of the adults in charge. Are you really sure you want YOUR kids around it? And is your partner OK with this? (And if so, why?)

Question -- Did his kids' mother just disappear? Or has she been out of the picture for a while? In other words, are the kids acting out now due to their mother's recent disappearance? Or are they acting that way because Dad (and his previous care providers) have allowed it? Because that's a serious problem...

Be very careful about letting 'broken' people into your life.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

They were possibly conceived while mother was on drugs, that's a typical behavior of children of alcoholics or drug addicts.

They need to be evaluated and treated ASAP.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Yeah, I wouldn't wait for dad to get home to clean up the motherf-er language. There's a bar of soap just for that.

Is dad paying you full tuition for your daycare? Is 5 old enough for public school 1/2 day kindergarten where you are?

I would not put my child in a school where swearing was an issue.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

there mother had supervised visits for the last year but then disappeared almost 4 months ago and hasnt seen them since bc i made it clear that someone on drugs was not going to be around such impressionable children, untill rehab was completed a job and stable living environment maintained. The kids do not know thats why she hasnt been around.
again like i have stated b4 none of these things are displayed with my daycare or while parents are dropping kids off his 2 older kids go to school and the younger child attends a seperate daycare. i have them for a few hours in the morning and all evening, which i am then joined by my bf, to help me. My bf, might enable at times but over is a strict parent, he is just caught off guard everytime there is an issue and it stems back to them claiming they want there mom. I run a program to help single moms. I have my act together, and the statement " Be very careful about letting 'broken' people into your life" is a very selfish statement...so because these kids and my bf, where verbally and mentally abused by the prior mother and wife, help and assistance shouldnt be offered? So your advice to me would be if someone has had a rocky path do not even bother. well i thank god i have a different mind set than you, or i wouldnt have any adopted kids in my life, i wouldnt have my own 2 kids and i wouldnt be running the programs i do to assist people on a daily basis, and i foresure wouldnt love as many people as possible. and those of u that have given me constructive non confrontational feedback i deeply appreciate it!


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RE: about the drug issue

thank you yes mom was using drugs prior and i will definitly tell him to look into that! thanks for bringing that to my attention!


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

mommy5,

"Be very careful about letting 'broken' people into your life" is a very selfish statement...so because these kids and my bf, where verbally and mentally abused by the prior mother and wife, help and assistance shouldnt be offered? So your advice to me would be if someone has had a rocky path do not even bother."

Mommy5, hang around this site a little longer. You may change your mind about taking in "broken people" especially broken stepkids. I still think your first step is to separate yourself, your business, the day care, from these skids. Give yourself a break that you may not know you need.

Protect your business and livelihood. Not to mention your piece of mind. What would your mom or grandma say about what's going on? Or your other clients once they see what's going on? Bad kids are hard to hide to dialed in parents. Very few parents, your clients and customers, want thier kids mixing in with troubled children despite the circumstances.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

THEY DONT GO TO MY DAYCARE! EVER! THEY LEAVE BEFORE MY DAYCARE KIDS ARRIVE AND COME HOME AFTER THEY LEAVE..I AM SEEKING ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM AND THE MENTALITY THEY STRUGGLE WITH. AND AGAIN THANK GOD I DONT HAVE YOUR MIND FRAME AND NEITHER DID THE PARENT THAT ADOPTED ME FROM A BROKEN HOME!KIDS NEED LOVE AND STRUCTURE REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY CAME FROM AND WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH!


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

OK, Got it, they are not around your daycare! Won't mention that again!! I misunderstood completely. Did not mean to offend you. So sorry.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

momof5 judging by your screaming over someone's misunderstanding(you know that all capitals is yelling, right?) tells me that maybe there is more to the story? Is that's how you are in real life? Why are you so on edge over something so insignificant as someone you have never met made a mistake on the Internet forum? How do you react when people in real life make serious mistakes? Ouch, I wouldn't want to be around.

Now I am wondering if kids actually act this way around you for a reason....


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

wow! no im not yelling but passionate that these kids are being referred to as broken kids. Its heart breaking! and yeah, nobody should be on the forum, if they haven't read through it and understand the situation. I have clarefied on multiple situations. and i wasnt asking for aproval on how my daycare is run.I am a very kind loving woman, i take care of children 24/7 and i love it. i couldnt see my house or my life without them. This forum shouldnt be about disrespecting and degrading someone and there life, but for those that can give ideas and feedback related to the questions at hand. and again to those that have i REALLY appreciate it. especially the idea to be checked out bc there mother was on drugs.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

"So your advice to me would be if someone has had a rocky path do not even bother."

No. That's not what I said and it's not what I meant. I said (and I'll underline the important part):

"Be very careful about letting 'broken' people into your life."

That means to be very careful -- not to never offer help to others in need.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Nobody has mentioned how the KIDS feel about this situation. Maybe there's just too much activity going on in the home and it makes the kids feel pushed aside? Maybe they feel home should be a home, and school should be separate? Perhaps they're having trouble seeing you as 'teacher' AND 'SM'? Does their father spend any quality time with them alone? Maybe the living situation makes them feel like they don't have parents anymore, but that they live with their teacher? There are lots of reasons why they could be acting out this way. Sounds like they could use a counselor to talk to.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Steppedon..."but that they live with their teacher?"

In case you missed the memo: they don't go to her daycare.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

I can kinda see where your coming from steppedon. but no my teaching role is way over by the time i deal with the kids. dad spends a lot of time with them but he spends time with my kids aswell,we both try to do that. Silversword, thank you im glad someone got the memo lol....=-) it was not intended to come off as yelling.lol


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What to do?

Mommy, my understanding is this is what you want help with:

1. Do you "parent" these children because BF wants you involved

2. Do you leave the "parenting" up to him

I say, BF wants you involved, that's great. Hopefully you have a strong commitment to one another so that he doesn't bring too many people into the lives of these children and then give them authority over the kids. That would be harmful to the children, IMO. So, he wants you involved. What that means to me is he makes the rules, you both enforce them. HOUSE RULES say:

1. No hitting, pushing, spitting, abusing one another (etc)
2. Failure to abide by these HOUSE RULES will have these results ____________________ (to be determined by you and BF, or BF, and clearly outlined BY BF to the children and then ENFORCED)

Stepping completely out of the parenting picture doesn't work because you a parent "in situ". Taking the lead in punishment doesn't work because he should be the primary authoritarian. Being a team, and not showing the whites of your eyes is the only solution, IMO. These kids need to know you will NOT leave them, even if they are at their worst behavior. They've already been left once. They want to know where they stand, and if they are safe. My hunch is that they don't dislike you, it's that they are mistrustful of adults and don't think you'll stick around/want to have you prove you love/care for them.

Best wishes,
Silver


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

i couldnt agree more. And thank you i really appreciate it. thats exactly what i was seeking advice with. He does want me involved, especially bc there are occasions that he is off working and i have all 5 of the kids. I dont find it overwhelming but confusing on how i should respond to his kids. I know how i respond to mine and i dont want it to be different, but creating strong resentment is not my goal either. lol so from what i gather your main advice is consistency! thank you very much for listening and giving your time!


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RE//: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Yes, consistency with ALL of the kids. That's why the rules have to be agreed upon by the both of you. "Not fair" will be the battle-cry if you don't nip it in the bud.

Personally, when my DD goes off with other people I tell her "now who is in charge?" and she answers "Tia ______". Whoever it is knows they may discipline her as needed. I don't send her off with people I don't trust (who will spank her, etc). But she knows to be on BEST BEHAVIOR when she's not with me, or she will "get it" twice as bad when she gets home (kind of like how it used to be in schools). The kids should know, from their dad, that when they are with you ~ you are IN CHARGE. And you need to be careful not to abuse that privilege.

It's hard isn't it!!??


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RE: very hard

lol yes! believe me, half of the things that go on in this day and age i think my parents would have locked me in the basement before it was ever accepted in the household lol!and my behind would have been sore for a few weeks lol. Now i have to pray that the corner and naughty step, and sentence writing will be just as effective lol...sometimes i smother them with hugs and kisses, i think they dislike that consequence the most, but its my favorite! =-)


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

Mommy5...I'm touched that you are not allowing any resentment towards these kids...really. You must be an angel.
My SM was an angel too. And if not for her, well, I'd hate to ponder. Yet my father made it abundantly clear that we kids were to NEVER sassy mouth her or heads would roll. And of course we believed him :)

I'd be hard pressed to not "re-act" instead of act to a 5 yr. old using that foul mouthed language. Many times a reaction to that behavior can be so visceral and instant that it precedes good parenting.'
I have to admit that I do miss some parts of "good old fashioned" parenting in this day and age and am really glad my kids are grown and seemingly well adjusted :)

My son in law (whom I adore) has reprimanded my grandchildren when they've gotten mouthy with my daughter with this statement used in a strong voice..."I will not allow you to talk to MY wife like that, apologize NOW"!
It seems to work...and warms my cockles knowing he has my daughters back :)

Of any advice I would give? Get counseling for those kids. I don't think you gave the ages of your children, but with that much insecurity and anger going on with the SC's, I'd make sure they were included in a bit of counseling too. It has to be confusing for them as well.

You seem to have lots of patience and excellent parenting skills to draw upon, exactly what those babies need.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

mommy5, still tell your BF to look into sources of their behavior, they might be too young for therapy but he should take them to a pediatrician and address mother's drug use. Kids need to be evaluated, don't wait until they are older, he has to do it now.


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RE: my bf's kids strongly dislike me

deborah thank you soooo much i really appreciate you giving me the advice u gave me, and seeing me for the parent i am! =-) You seem like a very loving person and the way your son in law handles the gran-babies is exactly how im going to start having my bf refer to me. My daughter is 3 my son will be 2 in july and his little boy will be 3 in a month and his 2 daughters are 5 and 6. It is a handful but i dont see my life being any different i love kids. and to finedreams, we are making appointments today =-) thank you. If counseling cant help maybe just talking to a grief therapist so he can explain the mom disappearing thing better than we can. I cant just go tell them " hey your moms not coming back bc she picked drugs over u and she hasnt had a day sober to even care that she abandoned u guys" You cant say that but maybe someone has a better way of explaining the random disappearing.


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