how often does she see her dad? i think maybe you can give her and dad some time alone while you spend time with your son. if she only visits, then stuff like watching TV with your fiancee could wait. dad needs to spend quality time with her.

Her and her sister come over very often. He actually does spend a lot of time with her. Everyone goes off to do their own thing, and she is left with him. The kids go outside and play, she chooses to stay inside with her dad. He is very into family time like playing games, going to the zoo, the park. We always do something, and he stresses that it be done as a family. Both girls get special alone time with him, they go to dinner, movies etc. He is a very involved dad and there is just no reason for her actions.

well there always is a reason, I am not saying those are good reasons, but something is there, how does she behave at school and what is her mom saying?

Her mom is great. She supports me in that she feels she should respect and listen to me. As for school, she gets good grades.

I totally hear what you are saying. she might need therapy. such obsession with a parent is unhealthy. I also think she needs to get busy with extracurricular activities.

my niece8 is constantly all over my brother, acts jealous if he talks to anyone else, he can't have 5 minutes by himself or talk to anyone else without her getting upset. and we are talking about intact family here. so such behavior is not unheard of, funny my sister in law thinks it is cute, well it is not. it is embarrassing to watch.

I am not sure why some kids are this way and what needs to be done, one thing maybe get her busy with other things outside the house, and then get her to play with other kids. and she needs to be told that such jealousy and disrespect is unacceptable. she needs to know it is wrong.

I deal with this very same nonsense on a daily basis. Same disrespect when DH is not around, same angelic behavior when he is. She attempts to turn each incident between us around so she looks like the victim. When I want to spend some time alone with DH, she will cry (she's 14 btw), literally cry until DH gives in and lets her go too. At our counselor's appt, she turned on the crocodile tears once again. My SD is a habitual liar as well, and told the counselor that she was upset because I didn't like or trust her. So the counselor tells me what I am doing wrong and how much SD is "hurting". Yet as soon as we leave the office, same stuff starts again. I have tried countless times to bond with this child, doing things with her that I do with my DD...to on avail. I get along with SS pretty well, but this kid will just not give me a break. Their BM lives halfway across the country and the kids are with us full-time. (Yes, there IS a reason they are with their dad) However, they still talk to her enough for her to let them know they don't need to listen or respect me. DH says he is aware of what goes on, but I don't think he completely gets it and often acts as if I am picking on SD. He coddles her and let's her get away with things that SS does not. There are times watching her manipulate him literally makes me sick.

The counselor asked if I wanted to have a session with SD to talk. I declined. I told her that there is nothing I can do or say that will change things. I will be here when she is ready to have a relationship with me, but that will have to be on her own terms. I will no push the issue.

There was one day last week, the first time in months, that SD was actually nice to me without DH being around. I was not so lucky today. So I take one day at a time, and I have disengaged from her as much as I can. I have to just to keep my sanity and hopefully begin to heal the wounds our marriage has suffered due to the stepfamily blues.

I wish I could give you better advice, or more positive examples, but I just can't. It's been 2 years of hell so far, and it doesn't appear to be getting any better. So best advice I can give is disconnect from her and take one day at a time. Good luck to you.

That's my world exactly with my SD. Angel when her father is around, Monster when he is not. She is 24! DH never believes anything I say to him or even my friends about her because he himself doesn't see it. Some people are just mean, and no matter what you do, they will still be mean. Of course not in front of Daddy who spoils her. GRRRR

Nini333, I think your finace needs to understand what is going on and assume his role as your soon-to-be husband and his daughter's father. In some ways, his daughter's behavior is to be expected given her age - 11-year-old girls tend to attach to their fathers at this age. It sounds like his daughter needs reassurance that he still loves her and will be her father in every respect even after you marry him. She sees him as "her territory" and you as moving in on him. To some extent, she is right, but it is up to HIM to manage this. You are doing all the right things. I know you don't want to alienate either one, but you need to get your fiance to tell and to show his daughter that she has nothing to worry about, that she is still every bit as important to him as she always has been. I am a stepfather and I made sure my 7-year-old daughter knew she was still the apple of my eye even after I remarried last year. Things are great with her, and she has never expressed jealousy about my new wife since we had a talk about my getting remarried and she has seen that I still spend lots of time with her, still love her every bit as much, and that she has gained a stepmother, not lost a father.

This situation is familiar, my SD is 7 and is having the standard conflicts:

- loyalty to BM
- jealous of the "new woman" in dad's life replacing BM
- jealous that she doesn't get all dad's attention
- jealous that she no longer gets all of SS10's attention
- conflicted over someone she likes that she's not supposed to like
- conflicted because BM babies her to the point of baby talk and rock-a-bye cuddling, I kid you not, and I do not
- hears from BM that she can and should ignore me and not mind me

SD is actually the part of this realtionship I have the least problem with. For some reason I am able to accept that she's just 7 and that it's harder for her and that I have to be patient. The baby talk and the whining and the daddy manipulation drives me nuts, but I can't get mad at her or resent her. I make sure to remind SO that she needs one on one time with him, because SS demands so much attention from everyone.

Not sure what else to say other than be patient, but if her devotion and attachment to dad makes you uncomfortable, I would suggest counseling. I would also discuss with your SO the fact that no, you are not her mom, but you are going to be his wife, and you deserve to be respected in your own home. If he's a reasonable man, he'll get it.