BF has prostate cancer. F%$#.

Actually, he’d already had a miserably sucky year so far, starting in January when a family member died unexpectedly, two weeks later a friend since childhood died unexpectedly, he’s has some personal/financial/work-related crap to deal with, other health concerns. Now this.

Meanwhile, I’m unhappy enough at my job that I’ve decided to quit and go back to my previous one (yes, I know I’m lucky this is even an option). My grandmother died. My brother has had a year to rival BFs-- deaths in his family (my SILs brother and cousin), personal crap, and now a broken collarbone. My mother has developed some undiagnosed health issue that makes her pass out without warning at random times (like when driving-- she’s wrecked twice, the second time totaled the car). Can’t find what’s wrong. A couple close friends going through some personal sh!t. There was a minute there I really just didn’t want to answer my phone in case the person calling had some major personal problem or health scare they needed to talk about. I was feeling like I’ve done my share of empathetic and supportive for a while.

I had no idea. Frickin. Cancer.

He got positive biopsy results last week. Tomorrow he’s going in for a bunch of testing (bone scans, ct scans, I don’t know what all) to find out if it’s spread anywhere or is (hopefully) confined to the prostate. Then he has an appointment late next week to get those results and discuss treatment options. He’s somewhat excessively (imo) protective of his privacy in normal times. So of course he’s not telling anyone, and doesn’t want me to, either. (so I can’t have this little rant to anyone irl, at least not yet). I heard him on the phone flat out lie to his sister and tell her the biopsy results are fine. The only people he’s told so far are me and (haha) his exwife. He’s kind of been alternating between being sort of ok and handling things at some times, and at other times, just not being ok at all. Just. Not. Hopefully once he knows more and has a treatment plan, he’ll at least start opening up to his family a bit-he’s really very close to them (kids, siblings, mom). His daughter just moved back in with him, so I’m thinking he at least won’t be able to keep it from her for too long. It can’t be good for him to keep this from his family, can it? At least he’s talking to me, but I just don’t see how that can be enough. I should encourage him to at least tell his kids, if he doesn’t on his own, right? Maybe the ex will tell them if he doesn’t…

I’m scared sh!tless for him (healthwise). I’m worried about him (mentally, emotionally). I’m worried about me. I feel selfish for worrying about me. I worry about us. The first thing he did after he got the biopsy results was call me up and tell me not to expect to hear from him for a while while he dealt with stuff… maybe he’d call me once in a blue moon to let me know how he’s doing. Only took him two hours to get over that and call back, but depending on how bad this gets, he might just totally withdraw, I don’t know. Or what if he doesn’t withdraw but I’m the one who’s not strong enough to handle it? I am f—ing pissed. He’s too young for this sh!t. Where the he!! does this punk-a$$ disease think it gets off just waltzing in out of the blue and sucker-punching him like this? (and also I feel vaguely ridiculous for having just anthropomorphized cancer). I feel absolutely, utterly helpless about the whole situation. When he’s having his not-ok moments, nothing I say seems to remotely help. And I can’t fix cancer. Aarrgh. Anyone have a magic wand lying around I can borrow?

F—k, f—k, f—k.

((breathe in. breathe out. ok, vent over i think))

You will just have to follow his lead as to what you can do for him. I didn't have that with my Ex. To have been able to have someone to hear me would have been good. Also realize that the meds he will take may make him say and do things he normally wouldn't. Don't make any big life changes until this has passed if you can help it. The less stress the better for his recovery.

Know we, at the very least I am here for you. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

Nike

Just pulled this from a quick search of the internet:

"Prognosis

Prostate cancer is the most common male cancer in the U.S. Only lung cancer causes more cancer deaths in American men. The lifetime probability of developing prostate cancer is about 16%. Each year, approximately 234,460 men in the United States will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, and about 27,350 will die from the disease. According to the American Cancer Society, 5-year survival rates for all stages of prostate cancer have increased during the past 20 years from 67% to nearly 100%.

A survival rate indicates the percentage of patients who live a specific number of years after the cancer is diagnosed. For prostate cancer, the 10-year survival rate is 93% and the 15-year survival rate is 77%. After 15 years, survival rates stabilize. A 2006 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that men who are diagnosed with low-grade prostate cancers have a minimal risk of dying from prostate cancer up to 20 years after diagnosis. However, men diagnosed with more severe forms of prostate cancer have a higher risk of dying within 10 years."

I realize a lot depends on your BF's exact case, and no one ever wants to hear the word "cancer" EVER... But it is true that some forms have a bit more hope attached to them than others. It sounds like this might be one of them. I know it pretty much sucks any way you slice it, but do try to remember it could be worse. And make a commitment to getting as much joy and laughs as possible in the coming years. My dad lived with lung cancer for just under two years and actually said that it was among the best periods of his life simply for the way it made him appreciate certain things and live a lot more intently. He may have been saying that to make us or himself feel better about what was happening to him, but so what? What he believed, he felt. He created his own brave and enlightened reality in the face of the horrible news, and it really did make that time valuable to him.

I know he’s really scared. Nikemama, I know everyone is different, but if you don’t mind my asking, do you think it’s a good idea to let him see how scared *I* am, or try to focus more on positives? On the one hand, I know he’s scared and struggling and don’t want to feed into his fear with my own and possibly make it worse when I am supposed to be the support right now, but I also don’t want to sound dismissive of what he’s going through or like I’m not taking it serious enough. KWIM? His dr’s office did put him in touch with a guy that leads a support group, so that’s good. He’s actually the one that talked him down from his initial freak-out (guess they have some experience with this, huh), hopefully BF will continue to stay in contact or join the group if he needs.

Dotz, about my mom, personally I think you are correct. She has had cardiac rhythm issues in the past, I am sure that is what’s going on. She had an electrophysiology(?) study to look for arrhythmias (more invasive but supposedly better than a Holter at diagnosing) and depending on what they found, they could have either zapped damaged heart tissue (mom was kinda freaked out by this possibility), put in a pacemaker, or something else. But supposedly thery found nothing wrong with her heart. I don’t believe it. They’ve also looked at seizures and I think sleep disorders. It is worrisome … and sending some good wishes right back to you and hubby… it is hard, isn’t it, watching this happen to someone you love?

Arm yourself with information;
as serenity said, the prognosis is hopeful, & if I remember correctly, younger men have are likelier to whip it.

& anthropomorphicizing cancer is something that holistic healers encourage:
"Visualize your white cells" (or whatever) marching to the tumor with swords drawn. Hear their marching music. See them strike death to the cancer cells."

etc.

I think you should be down-to-earth, practical, & calm toward your boyfriend;
fear feeds fear, & it becomes a rising spiral.

Take care.

Ask him.

Tell him you love him and want to be there for him in whatever way he needs. Tell him that while you know the odds are very, very good, that you worry anyway. Tell him you don't want to burden him with your worries, but you also don't want him to think you are uncaring -- and that you really don't know best how to help. Then ask him to cut you some slack if you 'get it wrong', and to help you 'get it right' by telling you what he needs.

He may not be able to tell you right away.
But ask every so often just to keep the topic 'discussable'.

We'll all be here pulling for you - please keep us posted.

This was something they caught during his routine yearly physical, no signs or symptoms of anything wrong, and it's already taken over half of his prostate... so very good reason to make sure all your husbands get their physicals when they're supposed to. And us too of course. Catch this stuff early.

and again, thanks for the words of support. It helped me stay calm -or at least act calm- while he was waiting for the test results.

thermometer, yes seizures is one of the things they've checked my mom for. They're still looking for the problem, and she's complaining about not being able to drive.

Best of luck to your BF...and know, he has a number of years before he may be genuinely in the clear...so, be hopeful and patient!