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Am I being weird

Posted by nikemama (My Page) on
Fri, May 29, 09 at 11:37

DH's kids have been off because of all the stuff that I have been posting on. They weren't coming this weekend. Then yesterday SD called said that she wanted to come but BTW Can I have 25.00 for a yearbook, cuz mom don't have the money(could it be because of SD 400.00 cell phone bill?). Then he talked to SD and he said that he would come if he could bring a friend (and 25.00 for his yearbook too).

DH agreed to all of their request so I guess we will be heading to get them tonight provided they don't find a sweeter deal before tonight.

None of those things are outragous request, I guess I am mad because I feel like DH is having to buy their visit and we already have 5 kids, we really need SS bring extra's to the house. In a year and a half, my boys have NEVER had a kid spend the night.

Also DH agreed to everything without saying a word to me about any of it. Then while I was doing dishes I asked him what the plan was. He finally dropped the SS is bringing So and So with him. It isn't so much that he should ask me but that a courtesy "You don't care do ya" I do it to him all the time. I don't expect him to say no but if it was a real issue Speak now or forever hold your peace. Same way with spending money. With him layed off, We watch were every dollar goes, so to shell out $50.00 on yearbooks without a care in the world annoys me. We fussed last night back in forth. I wouldn't have said anything except he asked me what the sour look on my face was about? He knew what it was about but I wouldn't have said a word. If I had said "Oh nothing" He would have said I was lying. I told him he set me up to be mad at me.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Am I being weird

I think it is so wrong for the kids to "barter" with dad for visitation. If a Step parent tried to control a skid with finances she'd be tared and featheres! The friend wouldn't of been such a big deal but I fully understand tight finances when a spouse is out of work.

J is lookig for work now and it hasn't been easy at all. If he volunteered money for a non-necessitie (yearbooks are NOT necessary) I would be rather pissed. Is he paying for this out of a savings or are you expectd to cough up this money? You shouild of been consulted if you are the only one working.

If they wanted yearbooks maybe these kids should of thought twice before running a phone bill up ridiculously high. I hope BM set down some consequences for that. Not paying for yearbooks might of been one of them. Maybe hubby should make sure he isn't bailing these kids out of a consequence.

RE: Am I being weird

First instinct on this just seeing the title was to say "yes". ;)

But no. I think prior to having *anyone* spend the night the other members of the household should be told (in the case of children) and asked (in the case of adults). Common courtesy.

Am I understanding that you will be paying for the friends yearbook too?

hahahahahahaha. Suckers. I'd say... "yes, you and your friend can have $25 each but you'll be working to earn that money. My car needs washed and detailed, the porch needs painting, the yard needs mowing and the garden needs weeding."

You are not weird. You are reacting normally to a weird situation. My heart goes out to you. You don't need to be bickering over something so little. DH probably just really wants to see his kids. So he feels stuck. I'd say, ok, you promised them the money, now what are they going to do to work it off?

Don't set a precedent or this will be happening all the time. If the kid doesn't love DH enough to spend time with him without $$, well, maybe he'd be better off not spending time.

RE: Am I being weird

That is my thinking too. They don't seem to come around unless it has something in it for them. When it is your weekend to have them and they have to think about if they want to or not and want to know what we are "DOING" before they will agree. Then compair notes for any better offers. Last time we had them we sent my 3 to their dad (they wanted to attend a B-Day Party) and took SKids to IN-Laws for the weekend of a family reunion and horse back riding. A side from that they havent been with us in 2 months. We got two kittens that are half grown they haven't even seen. Watch them want to change the kittens names.

RE: Fun

Wow. That sounds like you plan fun things to do. Can I come over? I'll do dishes!!!

RE: Am I being weird

Well I don't think it is unreasonable for a kid to want to bring a friend with them when they go visit their non custodial parent for the weekend. I did it.

But I do think that agreeing to come only if daddy buys their yearbooks is ridiculous!! It is one thing for them to ask him to buy them yearbooks, but another to say they will sleep over if he does it. ICK!

Sounds like your dh is so desperate to see the kids he will just agree to their requests without thinking of anything else. I understand because it must hurt him a lot to barely see his kids. But I also understand your frustration with his parenting out of guilt strategies.

When will this stop? Only coming over for holidays if he buys them vacations for their gift? Only visiting if he buys them a car for their 16th b-day? I could see this getting ridiculous when they get older.

RE: Am I being weird

Is it really that they were making their visit conditional on whether or not Dad paid for the yearbooks or just that the need to have the yearbooks paid for happened to coincide with the phone call about the visit? I would think that this kind of timing coincidence would be a pretty common occurence, given that there are just lots of things to pay for, and on a very frequent basis, when you choose to have kids.

Most kids get yearbooks, and in the grand scheme of things it's not an outrageous expense. Yearbooks are there to be mementos of school, and most of us keep ours forever, show kids, grandkids or just look at every once in a while ourselves through the years.

Also don't see any problem with occasionally having a friend over, and conversely don't see it as anything to praise that a kid NEVER has a friend over.

In this particular instance, I don't see anything coming from the kids in terms of requests as outrageous or anything to get upset over. I'm pretty sure the OP meant that SS's yearbook would be the additional one being paid for, not a friend's. (But if it WAS for a friend, that would be an unnecessary and presumptuous request for sure.)

I do agree that, as with so many things, it's common courtesy to clue other members of the household in to things that will be going on in the house ---especially if they expect your help with any part of it--- with as much advance notice as possible.

RE: Am I being weird

We do have fun things planned when we have the kids. If we get out rated on the FUN FACTOR, then DH is bummed and my kids are stuck with a depressed step-dad and I have a grumpy husband. Then he feels like he is a better parent to mine and letting his down.

Next weekend we are taking them out of turn for a huge big deal fishing trip for kids. Last year SS won a $100 bike in the trip. My kids would have been beside themself. He was like no big deal, it was a mountain bike and he rides BMX.

Everyone got a free tee shirt and candy, fishing pole or a tackle box, sleeping bag or a tent. SS is talking like he might not want to go. WHAT!! I will take my boys and go all by myself if they don't come. I will not let him screw this up for my boys. I feel like he is flirting with DH over it to make him beg or sweeten the deal. It is a long drive but who cares it is a BALL!! All the soft drinks and Cotton candy, hot dogs for free.

RE: Am I being weird

They sound jaded. How sad.

RE: Am I being weird

my dh' did that to me once, agree that his kids bring friends...well, i said you have cough up the money for the groceries for the two extra ones that are coming with them And you'll have to entertain them...oh by the way i am going out for coffee that you'll be home with all 5 to take care of.:)
So....he never again, went ahead and said yes, he would ask me if it was ok and i would say yes at times...then i would say no at times..because of car space or money.
Its only courteous to agree on who is coming over , this way i can arrange, and entertainment. Plus, its my space as well and maybe i do not want extra people coming over that particular weekend.
So now my dh and i discuss all visitors coming in and out.

RE: Am I being weird

DD's yearbook was always $60, yeap. so I would be happy to pay 25. LOL
but not or someone else's kid, absolutelly not.

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