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jupiterj

Should DH facillitate or no?

jupiterj
13 years ago

Question of SM's Do you think DH should influence SK to acknowledge you on mothers day if you are an active SM (50/50) or do you think DH should sit back and only do something if SK's suggest?

Just wondering what your thoughts were...

Comments (146)

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "...every time this unrelated short person comes running into my office, accidentally knocking things off my desk, getting fingerprints on my screen, or worst of all, spilling chocolate milk on my carpet..."

    ROTFLMBO!!! This unrelated short person...!!!

    Which brings up another question. When everyone goes to heaven (well, that's assuming the wicked stepmother makes it to heaven) is the original nuclear family reunited? Is there a special orphanage in heaven for displaced SM's? Perhaps they get to be the family maid?

  • ashley1979
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "We could call it PWDTFYLAEWIPORTYBB Day for short."

    LMAO! Try reading that outloud. LOL! I think all my coworkers just looked at me weird!

    KKNY - "I would regard SM as doing stuff on behalf of her DH. If he isnt thanking her, thats a different problem."

    No...I do stuff for SD that DH would never do so as to make our place more hospitable for her. Like buying pads and tampons to have here in case she starts her period while she's here (like she ever comes, anyway, but I did), washing her sheets and pillows and vacuuming her room to get rid of the dust since no one has been in her room for months, making sure she has any toiletries she might need while here, letting her know what our plans are so she can pack appropriately (and bring the right undergarmets for the dress she was wearing at the wedding), etc. DH doesn't have to thank me for that stuff.

    I even keep up with SD's schedule (what I can find on the school's website cuz they won't tell us a damn thing) and let DH know so he has something to text her about. I'm not doing it on behalf of him. I'm doing it to make a tough situation better.

    Now, I would agree with you if I was doing something on behalf of DH or BM. Like when BM volunteered to bring a turkey to a banquet and then asked DH to ask me to do it. BM should thank me...not DH or SD. Or when I go and get DH a birthday, Christmas, or Fathers Day gift from SD (which I won't do anymore unless SHE asks me to), SD should thank me for that. Or if DH asks me to get a birthday gift for SD since he has no idea what to get her then DH should thank me.

    The way I see it is kinda like grandparents. My mom's mom didn't get mad because I spent a week with my dad's mom. And I called them both "Grandma".

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  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No...I do stuff for SD that DH would never do so as to make our place more hospitable for her. Like buying pads and tampons to have here in case she starts her period while she's here (like she ever comes, anyway, but I did), washing her sheets and pillows and vacuuming her room to get rid of the dust since no one has been in her room for months, making sure she has any toiletries she might need while here, letting her know what our plans are so she can pack appropriately (and bring the right undergarmets for the dress she was wearing at the wedding), etc. DH doesn't have to thank me for that stuff.

    If you think that is fine that DH doesnt have to thank you for all that, its fine.

    You had (have) two grandmothers. That is a major major difference between SM/Mom and two grandmas.

  • nivea
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Now what does any of that have to do with Mothers Day? Seriously, I can't imagine as a Mother listing off things for DD that I do for her and exclaiming this is why I get to be celebrated and why she must honor me. That kind of entitlement is exactly why *some* SM's aren't perceived as a parental figure to the stepkids. They are just too much work and emotional exhaustion to deal with. The last thing a kid from a divorced family needs to deal with, if a grown woman can't understand that concept then it's kinda unlikely she's going to blend well into a stepfamily and again, her responsibility.

    I really can't believe the concept is so hard, let the kid chose. There's nothing wrong with Dad mentioning Mothers Day, but to push, prod or exclaim this loudly over a stepmothers *right* to mothers day, well...it's just odd.

    As far as Mom passing, BTDT. Stepmom doesn't get a special reward for being the last one standing.

    At the end of the day, it's not about Mom or Stepmom. It's the individual relationships and common sense. If SM is TOW, yeah she probably shouldn't be expecting a card. If SM married when they were adults, probably not. If SM doesn't have a cordial and respectful relationship with the kid/adult, yeah...she probably shouldn't be so worried about a card. If Mom is a drunk, doesn't see the kids, she probably shouldn't be worried about a card. If Mom passed away, SM/Dad can find it in themselves to be sensitive towards the childrens loss.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I can't imagine as a Mother listing off things for DD that I do for her and exclaiming this is why I get to be celebrated and why she must honor me."

    No one said this is what SM's are expecting.

    The irony is that my DD thanked me for all I do for her and for being "the best mom I've ever had" LOL. The kids get it. Mother's day is a day for appreciating all that mom's do. Like, cooking and cleaning and bringing fresh flowers in the house. Which is why most mothers, on mother's day, ask for a meal they don't have to cook, a clean house, and some flowers!!

    Otherwise, if not thanking for what parents do on mother/father day, it would be a "thank you for your sperm/egg day". That's all that's left. Either it's a "thanks for all you do" or it's a "thank you for my life" or it's "congratulations for getting knocked-up".

    Nivea, I agree that the kids should choose and no child should be forced to give a card to a SM. But facilitating that (indicating that it would be appreciated by SM and would be a nice gesture) is not in bad taste, IMO.

  • mom_of_4
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I would regard SM as doing stuff on behalf of her DH. If he isnt thanking her, thats a different problem"

    wrong wrong and more wrong.

    The things I do for DH are things like making sure there is tea in the fridge when he comes home because I know that's what he likes... watching every sports show known to man so I can catch him up on what is going on when he works late and cant watch it himself. fixing the brakes on the car instead of waiting around for his one day off for him to do it.

    The things I do for my children (skids included) are for them and thier benefit only. Infact, if you really want to get nit picky some of the things I do are more for mom then DH... like driving every morning and afternoon half way to meet her so she doesnt have to drive the whole distance to take them to school...like putting off studying for my finals because mom called and cant pick up the kids at the last minute because she has to work.

    But still I see that as doing for my kids. They need to go to a good school to get a good education so if I have to drive every morning to make that happen then so be it.

    If they forgot until the last minute that they need a costume for multi cultural day and I stay up all night making one...that is for them. (and acutally DH wanted me to just forget it and come to bed)

    when I put them into sports and carted them back and forth to practice because they wanted to play oh so bad... that was for them. It would have been easier to just say no it certainly didnt benefit Dh or mom in any way...only the kids.

    And yes, as a mother or a step mother I expect a thank you. It's polite. And I teach my children to be polite. Just like when I say please take out the trash (an everyday chore) and thank you afterwards... it's manners.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "...fixing the brakes on the car instead of waiting around for his one day off for him to do it."

    Mom, no kidding. In our house I do the car repairs (by that I mean driving the car to get fixed, lol). DH's schedule is not as flexible as mine. So many people in my family say "that's DH's job, it's his car, and he should be maintaining yours too!" Yes, I wish he did the car repairs. But it just makes more sense for me to do it. And he thanks me. I guess my point is those same people don't say "it's Silver's job to take your SD to school, it's her kid!!" when they find out he is driving DD to school every day. I see that Sparents get the short end of the stick.

    "And yes, as a mother or a step mother I expect a thank you. It's polite. And I teach my children to be polite. Just like when I say please take out the trash (an everyday chore) and thank you afterwards... it's manners."

    I agree. I think the problem some are having is the "thank you" being requested on Mother's day, or as it will hereby be referred to: BMOD or "Birth-Mom Only Day". Acknowledging a SM on BMOD is what is causing the dissension.

  • nivea
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KK said a while back, let the kid chose.

    There's a difference in acknowledging appreciation and paying homage. There'a also a difference in coercion vs free will. My FMIL considers Mothers Day her day and her day only, us other twits are not acknowledged. Neither are our mothers or *stepmothers* (shock and awe!) She considers Mother Day a major holiday and it's dedicated only to her. And she wonders why people don't want to spend it with her, she is emotionally exhausting and demanding emotion from others that they do not feel. Luckily as adults we're free to say no, as children they can't.

    There's a difference in asking do you want to? vs demanding homage based on titles. Even behaving nicely and humanely towards others doesn't get a gratitude for life award. It's called being human.

    And fwiw, I think they same exact way towards bio mothers who demand acknowledgement/praise/worship on Mothers Day. Insecure and needy, the last thing a stepkid needs influencing his or her life.

  • mom_of_4
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I actually fix the brakes and do a lot of other car repairs. It is just sooo much cheaper. My Dh's boss laughed when I showed up at his work because DH's car broke down (hole in the gas tank) to fix it. DH's boss was like you better not let that one go!

    I realize that that is where the dissension is falling but I was more addressing the whole Dh should be thanking you nonsense.

    As I said before there is nothing wrong with dad helping the kids along with a mothers day for sm. If it causes drama that dad helped kids celebrate mother's day with sm, then I think it reflects a lot more on moms insecurities then anything else. And, (should I be misunderstood) no one should force anyone to do anything (within reason). I can understand if dad only helped kids do something for sm and then did nothing to help kids do something for mom... that I can see causing drama (unless of course mom is married and her husband helps the kids do something for mom) and hurt feelings.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think there is a gray area between Dad helping kids v. Dad influencing kids. But even a dog knows the difference between getting kicked and someone tripping over him. If dad influences kids to treat SM at Mothers Day, its wrong and may cause drama, and I dont care if he does the same for mom and stepmom. SM.is.not.mom. This has nothing to do with insecurity. Dad can encourage kid to celebrate SMs Bday, etc etc, but she is not the mom.

  • mattie_gt
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Otherwise, if not thanking for what parents do on mother/father day, it would be a "thank you for your sperm/egg day". That's all that's left. Either it's a "thanks for all you do" or it's a "thank you for my life" or it's "congratulations for getting knocked-up". I don't think it's right to acknowledge BPs on the "thanks for having sex and giving me life" day unless they didn't actually enjoy the sex - if they did, then they were just doing it (so to speak) for themselves and the kids were just a by-product. Or maybe the BP's should just send cards back and forth to each other on that day? "Thanks for the mediocre time we had twelve years ago."

    Also, I think SMs are in a segregated part of heaven, right next to the Catholics who had originally been in hell for eating meat on non-Lent Fridays but got paroled to their separate and unequal part of heaven after Vatican II.

    The whole "SM's should be thanked by their DH and taken for granted by everyone else" thing is so silly that I can't respond seriously. :)

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Whats so silly as turning around thanking SM, but not treating her as a mom, to be taken for granted.

  • mattie_gt
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Whats so silly as turning around thanking SM, but not treating her as a mom, to be taken for granted.

    Ha, good point! Maybe that should be the criteria; if SM is taken for granted like a mom, then she can be appreciated on Mother's Day; if relationship with SM is distant or formal enough that she gets thanked for each specific thing, then she's "just" a SM. :)

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I see nothing wrong in thanking SM for what she does, people should thank each other, but I do not understand demanding special acknowledgment. I do not think SM need to be taken for granted or be unappreciated, but it does not mean they are mothers. I appreciated my grandfather and thanked him often, still he was not my mother.

    And I think it is a bad idea to do nice things in exchange for some elevated status. I am surprised how concerned are SMs about things they do for the kids. I am never concerned about what I did for DD, i am the mom. If SMs would truly considered themselves "Mom"s they would not care to list things they do for the kids.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    wow!!! "Meanwhile, usually, in my experience they are the glue holding the family together at Dad's house (let's face it, most dads can't keep it all together on their own, especially with young kids)",

    who said that? this is just awful, i don't understand this logic, portraying men like some helpless immature boys, why even have children with men like that? sounds like an image straight from a stupid sitcom.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Now my real question is, if it's OK for SM's to be Mom if BM is dead"

    I don't think that mother had to be replaced because she died. Plenty of posters here were concerned with SMs trying to replace a passed away mother, it caused resentment and anger in SKs. Bad idea.

  • imamommy
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Mom"s they would not care to list things they do for the kids."

    If my kids walked away to another room when I came into the room they are in, if they held up their hand to the side of their face during dinner so they didn't have to look at me or didn't want me to look at them, if they ignored me when we are in the car going somewhere like I am not there.. or I am just the 'driver', and if they were disrespectful, disobedient, and constantly tried to get me in trouble by making up lies.....

    well, wait a minute. I raised my kids. I taught my kids to be respectful and polite. I taught my kids to say THANK YOU. I would NOT tolerate my kids to treat me like that and if they did it to spite me, yes.. I would probably have a list of things I WON'T do for them... like take them to the mall or shopping, or to a movie, or let them go to a friend's house.. and damn straight I would remind them that I am putting a roof over their head, I am feeding them, I am clothing them, I take them for medical care, and I do all that because I love them and they are MY children... but that does not mean I have to do the extra's if they treat me like that.

    The difference is that when it's MY kids... they were raised by ME. They know what my expectations are. There is a bond. They (our own kids) don't usually have someone (like a mother or grandmother)'supporting' them in treating me like crap.

    SD lives with me. I once asked SD if she wants me to treat her like she's one of my kids. She said yes. She had done something wrong, so I scolded & lectured her like I would my own kids. The next thing I know, BM is calling up DH to complain. That's why some step kids cannot be treated the same... and I say some because my exBF's kids lived with me and I treated them as I did my own and that was never a problem. Their mother was not there to start crap at every turn.

    And I would also point out that SD goes to her mom's.. calls her mom's BF dad.. they pretend to be a brady bunch 'family'... and what happens at BM's house, stays at BM's house. First, SD does not talk about it... either she has no desire to share or she's been told to keep quiet. Second, we don't drill her or ask. Not that we don't care, but it's her mom's house & her mom can do what she wants in her house. DH can't do anything about it if she does something he disapproves of anyways. It would be nicer for SD if BM would give her daughter the attention she needs and not worry about what we are doing in our house... but some mother's can't put their child's best interests first.

  • mom_of_4
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    the funny thing is that everything that I "listed" for my skids included my dd. I expect and treat my own dd the same way I treat my kiddos... those that see a difference are obviously not in the position of loving kids that are not biologically their's and have no concept of devoting themselves to someone because they chose to..not because they were born to them.

    My stepkids and bio daughter are the most important things in my life and I would sacrifice myself for any of them ...
    but,
    My DH has on several occasions reminded the skids of what I do for them and what I dont have to do for them.. for example when bio mom was under the influence of now ex bf and she talked nothing but bad about me and to me and made sly comments when I was sitting right next to her... Dh asked and said what has L ever done to you that made you feel bad? what has L done to make you feel good? what has L gone out of her way to do that neither me or mom were able to do for you?

    that is most certainly dad influencing... but dad was questioning the brainwash that was going on and making the kids think for themselves.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    FD: wow!!! "Meanwhile, usually, in my experience they are the glue holding the family together at Dad's house (let's face it, most dads can't keep it all together on their own, especially with young kids)",

    who said that? this is just awful, i don't understand this logic, portraying men like some helpless immature boys, why even have children with men like that? sounds like an image straight from a stupid sitcom.

    I said that. I didn't say men are helpless. Usually they are doing their best to be providers. And the day-to-day parenting (meals, laundry, organizing the schedule, driving to functions, helping with school projects, etc) falls to the woman, the SM.

    Just like it does in a Nuclear Family.

    Are there even any sitcoms with Stepmothers?

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If Dad cant or wont parent, then he shouldnt be given substantial parenting time -- unless mom is incompetent or MIA. That simple.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "If Dad cant or wont parent, then he shouldnt be given substantial parenting time -- unless mom is incompetent or MIA. That simple."

    I agree. How do you feel about my situation with my DD? She leaves for the summer. Dad works. WBSM and Grandparents watch her while he's at work. Is this considered "not or won't parenting"? In your opinion should she not visit him if he is unable to be the only adult in charge?

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree. How do you feel about my situation with my DD? She leaves for the summer. Dad works. WBSM and Grandparents watch her while he's at work. Is this considered "not or won't parenting"? In your opinion should she not visit him if he is unable to be the only adult in charge?

    I would like to know first, is this a long distance situation and if so, who moved. Not LD, she should visit weekened or evenings. LD, depends on who moved. In any event, quality of care must be looked at.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Long Distance. Yes. I moved. For excellent reasons. And got primary custody even though I was taking DD away from her home state, my home state, and her entire environment. Which should tell you that I have both excellent references and an extremely valid reason for moving. One that her Bio-Dad fought tooth and nail, but now agrees I did the right thing.

    Of course quality of care would need to be looked at :) That goes without saying. You were saying that if dad "can't or won't" care for kids then kids shouldn't be with him. To me, this means that if kid is primarily with smom or other alternative-caregiver, that child would be better off with BM than being in Dad's environment at all.

    Quality of care is excellent. She is in the house she lived in for the first 4 years of her life, in a very safe location with extremely diligent caregivers. But "parenting" is not done primarily by Dad.

    Bio-Dad works weekends and evenings :)

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think if CP moves, no matter how good the reason, CP has to be willing to make more sacrifices.

    Dont understand Dad works weekends and evenings? Is he never home? Then what is point of visit?

  • ashley1979
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY said "But even a dog knows the difference between getting kicked and someone tripping over him."

    Ha ha ha! I FREAKIN LOVE THIS! Sounds like something Dr. Phil would say. I am SO going to use this in a conversation today!

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    This is not about sacrificing KKNY. I have no problem letting her go there. She has a good time, she is cared for. Honestly, and this may make me sound like a bad mother, but I really enjoy my summers. DH and I are child-free for some of the time and we get to go on dates, sleep in on weekends and do "adult-stuff" that we ordinarily don't get to do. My afternoons are not filled with DD's activities and I get "me-time". OF COURSE I MISS HER, but I enjoy her a lot more when she gets back than I would if I never got a break.

    You have posted several times that if child is not with Dad, and is being cared for by SM, that Mom should have child with her.

    I'm sorry if you can't understand that some professions work different shifts and different days than others and that working those shifts does not mean he is never home, it just means he is home at different times than those with a 9-5 job.

  • ashley1979
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY - if you were in a position where you didn't see your kid but a couple to maybe 4 times a year, you would understand. It's worth the daycare or camp money or kiddo spending time with GPs just to get that couple of hours to spend with them every evening.

    And weekends just aren't long enough. Especially when you add in travel time.

    Your logic is BMs logic, therefore, SD never comes.

    If DH wants to be able to visit SD in her town or go to his son's wedding, he can't be taking off a bunch of days. So yeah, SD will spend time with friends she has here or me or whatever while DH is working.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ashley -

    KKNY said "But even a dog knows the difference between getting kicked and someone tripping over him."
    Ha ha ha! I FREAKIN LOVE THIS! Sounds like something Dr. Phil would say. I am SO going to use this in a conversation today!

    I cant take credit, its an old law school line.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "It's worth the daycare or camp money or kiddo spending time with GPs just to get that couple of hours to spend with them every evening."

    Or, in my X's case, spending the mornings and early afternoons and every Tuesday and Wednesday :) Which actually works out better because most people have weekends off and can dedicate time to her, like her aunt, so DD actually has four days a week where people are off, and X is off in the mornings and early afternoons, so she is really with other people only from around 2-bedtime (then dad picks her up after wok and drives her the couple miles home)

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "And the day-to-day parenting (meals, laundry, organizing the schedule, driving to functions, helping with school projects, etc) falls to the woman, the SM."

    It is not the case with most families where women work professional jobs just as much as men, day-to-day parenting falls equally on both parents, taking turns. In many modern families women are as much provdiers as men, if not more. What you described is a very old fashioned traditional set up 1800s style, those times passed. Not too many professionals run their life this way. Naive views again.

  • stepdaughterandstepm
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "It is not the case with most families where women work professional jobs just as much as men, day-to-day parenting falls equally on both parents, taking turns. In many modern families women are as much provdiers as men, if not more. What you described is a very old fashioned traditional set up 1800s style, those times passed. Not too many professionals run their life this way. Naive views again. "

    I've worked in the corporate world for 13 years; my mother for 25. I don't know of a single family where the father and mother 'take turns.' That's a utopian view, in my opinion, and equally naive.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    so in your family women are doing day-to-day family things while men are just providing? it could be the case in some traditionally run families where men are sole providers.

    but every family in my circles is running it as a team, we do not have women running day-to-day family life and men only providing. we do take turns doing things and are equal in our contributions to the family life.

    plenty of men are better cooks, and in many families people take turns doing laundry or each does their own, and so on.

    heck my grandpa was born in 1908 yet he was the one who cooked and helped the kids with homework and he was a professional.

    I am surprised to hear that some of you here run families very old fashioned way where women do all the cooking, laundry, schedules. it is so not the case in my circles!!! just so absolutely not.

    But i do accept that traditional role divisions still take place in some circles.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Usually they are doing their best to be providers. And the day-to-day parenting (meals, laundry, organizing the schedule, driving to functions, helping with school projects, etc) falls to the woman, the SM.

    Just like it does in a Nuclear Family. "

    Whose family? certainly not mine or any of my family members or friends or colleagues.

  • yabber
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree. Both FDH and I work fulltime and we share household duties. I cook more because I like it, he works in the garden more. I vacuum, he cleans toilet and bathroom. We both do washing and other stuff.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my. Naive again, huh. You've really got a bone stuck in your craw with me don't you FD?

    I work a professional job 40+ hours a week.

    But, from what I can see on this board my viewpoint is more inclusive of reality. MOST women on this board, from what I can tell, both work outside the home and chauffeur the kids, are responsible for the gift buying/party planning and day-to-day routines. Not because Dad is a slacker or mom is a housewife, but because that's how it works for them. In my X's case, WBSM shoulders at least 1/2 of the "parenting" because of my X's schedule. I don't know how they divvy up housework.

    There have been countless studies and articles on the feminist movement and how it has increased the workload for women. Like it or not, women are still the primary caregiver for children. That is not saying there aren't any stay-at-home dads or involved dads, or single dads, or dads who do everything while lazy mom sits on the couch and eats doughnuts.

    "Whose family? certainly not mine or any of my family members or friends or colleagues."

    LMAO. Did you morph with KKNY??? If it doesn't happen in your circle it doesn't happen at all?

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    SS, then if dad isnt parenting, dad shouldnt get parenting time. That simple. Unless both mom and dad cant be there.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Dad is parenting KK. He's just not 100% parenting because he has to work.
    What is the difference between DD being at summer camp (after all, I have to work too), or with Grandparents, or with WBSM. If she's happy, and she gets to spend a couple months seeing her dad every day.

  • lovehadley
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    This whole thread is just so insane to me.

    My daughter gave me a beautiful Mother's Day card (handmade) that made me cry---and SHE AND MY MOM gave me a new digital camera. I am not my mother's mother (haha) but my mom was thoughtful enough to give me a gift because I am a MOTHER. My DH also helped DD with a new charm for my necklace.

    I have personally never had any acknowledgement from SS on Mother's Day, but that is because he is always with BM on Mother's Day weekend. If he were here, I am sure that DH would have BOTH KIDS present me with my cards and gift.

    DD and I gave my grandmother (her great-grandmother) a picture in a nice frame and a card. She is not OUR mother but she is a mother. And I wished every mom I saw that day a Happy Mother's Day. It is a day for recognizing and appreciating all the things---big and little---a mom OR stepmom does for the kids and family.

    What is the big deal if dad says "hey, don't forget to wish your SM a Happy Mother's Day?" I agree with whoever said it should not be to the detriment of the mom, and a child should never be forced to celebrate with SM INSTEAD of mom....but believe it or not, kids ARE capable of appreciating and loving more than one person.

    This whole thing is just so silly to me.

    "And the day-to-day parenting (meals, laundry, organizing the schedule, driving to functions, helping with school projects, etc) falls to the woman, the SM"

    In my family and in my circles, this is certainly true. Even though many, many of my female friends/family members work outside the home, they are still the ones organizing playdates, doing laundry, picking up from school or after-care, communicating with teachers, etc.

    When I drive through the carpool line at DD's school or at SS's school, 98% of the cars are being driven by moms.

    Times have changed but I certainly agree with the fact that moms still take on (and this may be by choice) most of the parenting and household-running duties.

    I work part-time and I do ALL the school pickups, and most of the cooking, all of the laundry, most of the help with homework, driving to soccer practice, swim team, etc. DH works about 50 hrs a week and handles all the *typical* male stuff at home----yardwork, repairs, power washing the front porch, etc.

    It's divvied up pretty typically IMO.

    My mom has three Masters degrees, my dad has a PhD, and this is pretty much how our family growing up was managed. My mom taught highschool English until I was about 2 and then she became a SAHM. My grandma has a Bachelors degree in Biology, my grandpa has his Masters, and this again is pretty much how THEIR family was managed when my mom and uncle were children. My grandma worked in the research department at Washington University until she became pregnant with my mom and then she was a SAHM; of course, this was back in the 1950s but still. IMO it has nothing to do with education or social circles, it's just people following those biological roles. I know plenty of moms at my DD's school who are exremely successful women, in executive positions, etc. And they STILL are the parents you see volunteering as room moms or working the bake sale. I see very few dads doing these things.

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "IMO it has nothing to do with education or social circles, it's just people following those biological roles."

    Agreed. And sometimes men are more comfortable doing the cooking (one of the girls in my girl scout troop has a dad who is a CEO and he loves to bake and cook, so we always get delicious homemade treats from him) and cleaning and childcare, but most families, IMO, don't divvy up things equally. The end result is equal, but not the jobs individually. And SM's take on the "mother/female" duties often.

    In my life:

    DD's ballet class: I've never seen a dad
    Girl scouts: We have one dad who drops off/picks up/volunteers. The other 10 are all moms. And all except one work full time (she is out of work, not career SAHM).

    Soccer: All moms, with the dads showing up for games. My DH coached one season but does not go to ballet lessons. He does do music lessons with DD though.

    Golf: We both hate the golf lessons but I'm usually the one there. Along with the rest of the women/moms.

    Self-defense: One dad consistently takes his boys. He is SAHD during the day and works nights. The rest are moms. Ratio of 1/30 dads to moms.

    PTA? All moms. Field trips? Moms. Kids being walked home from school with DD and I? Moms. Grocery store? Moms.

    Love, my SM called me and sent me a Mother's day package with a lovely card and book to share with DD. I admit, I was a little shocked and pleased. My "REAL" mom didn't call, didn't write, didn't acknowledge. Why should she? She's not MY mom!!! LOL.

  • lovehadley
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "PTA? All moms. Field trips? Moms. Kids being walked home from school with DD and I? Moms. Grocery store? Moms."

    Ditto ditto ditto.

    The time I see the MOST dads is during morning drop-off at school and I think that's because dads will often drop the kids off at school on the way to work. I always see dads at soccer games, swim meets, etc---all weekend activities. But the day in, day out grind of practices and homework and grocery store runs is almost always mom.

  • mattie_gt
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Wow. My DH is really looking good right now! Maybe part of the difference with him is that he already had primary custody for years before I met him, so if his kids wanted to eat, have clean clothes, go to scouts, etc. it was DH who had to do it. And I'd be damned if I was going to get married and wait on someone hand and foot unless I stayed home and was a housewife, which I have no interest in being. My DH cooks, cleans, grocery shops and does almost all the laundry. Mostly we just take turns based on who is busier and who has free time at the moment but he certainly does his fair share!

  • silversword
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Love, my DH drops DD off at school :)

    Don't get me wrong Mattie. My DH works very hard around the house. We just don't split every thing 50/50. He fixes toilets, computers, appliances. He waters the gardens. He does yard work. He trims trees and plants.

    BUT, when his DD comes over I do more of the everyday, routine maintenance for her, as well as my DD who lives with us. DH does take care of DD while I go to the gym, or takes her out so I can have me-time (without me asking). I feel we even things out pretty fairly. We both work and we work around each other so that we can get everything done. His schedule is more flexible and he can work at home more often so he is the one to stay home when we need delivery signatures, etc. It all works out, neither of us feel we are being taken advantage of.

    My point was not that the typical man is going to work and coming home while the typical woman is doing all the "woman jobs". What I perhaps did not say eloquently enough is that I feel, IMO, that women still do more of the child-stuff, and when a man remarries those duties become the SM's. Many SM's do not resent this and are happy to do it, but it is a very conflicting, fraught with emotional landmines position.

    Much like being a diplomat. In a war zone. With very few supplies.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree there is potential for conflict. I still think whatever childcare related stuff SM does, she does on behalf of dad. At least in my situation. If dad doesnt want to take care of DD, he can send her back to me anytime.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think it is perfectly fine for a stepparent or a grandparent to watch kids when needed, of course if parents are never available it is wrong but on occasion is perfectly fine and I think a parent who delegates should always say thank you. I always appreciated people who watched DD on my behalf.
    When it becomes a norm, then it is a problem.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You are SAHM, of course you do household chores. I would not expect a man to work and then also do everything else, what is a woman to do then?

    i was talking about families where both parents work professional jobs the same number of hours. totally different story. it is very sad if there are families where men do not do parenting or family stuff because they are more inclined to be providers, very sad.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    People talk about PTA, all of the PTA meetings at DD school took place during the day and of course only moms attended, due to being SHAMs or working only part time, i never attended one PTA meeting.

    My father as well as my grandfather as well as my brother as DD's dad attended/attend children's events/conferences just the same as women. If men are not willing to participate then why even having children? Might as well have kids by yourself using a donor.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "And they STILL are the parents you see volunteering as room moms or working the bake sale. I see very few dads doing these things."

    Because these women don't work.

    I was not talking about stay-at-home moms, of course they do all that while men work. I was talking about working women, you brought examples of your grandma and mom, they were stay-at-home moms, nothing to do with their education. I was raised by working parents and they were raised by working grandparents, that's why they had to take turns and everyone contributes. DD was raised by working parents. And that's how everyone I know was raised. Simply cannot pile it all on the mother in such situation, plus plenty of men actually love parenting and wouldn't want a woman to take over.

    What you described does exist, and I am not saying some people don't stick to traditional role division.

  • finedreams
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    oops, i mentioned lamom by mistake, meant lovehadley, sorry

  • lamom
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Finedreams,

    I've been following this thread closely and deliberately not commenting. How did my name get in to the subject?

    lamom

  • lamom
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    FD,

    Thanks for the correction. I'm passing on this discussion.

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