Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best.

Hi dirtdivarocks! Thanks for your comment. And thanks for the question (I appreciate being challenged on my thinking/judgment). In response, and in fairness to him, I have to say that my original post did not tell the entire story. It told the story, basically, where it stood at the time. But, for the 10 months prior to his initial jobloss, he had a decent-paying job. So, he was providing for himself and for his child. He just hasn't done a very good job of picking himself from the hard times. I understand that rough times will come. I think most of us have experienced hardship/financial struggle at some point in time. What concerns me most is how one prepares for and/or responds to those rough times. This was a great opportunity for him to demonstrate to me that he's the type of guy who will do what it takes to provide for himself and his family. He didn't do so good of a job at rising to that challenge. One thing I did learn is that, in the future, I must pay attention to when a man doesn't seem to have that "get up and go" that I like. I think it is truly an innate quality that one either has . . . or does not. I agree with you - being with a man who cannot support his family is . . . a REALLY bad situation to put oneself in. It's even worse when he has a child. I thank God that I was able to finally cut it off.

Thanks for the feedback, I will have to remember your mantra. SS has been going to counseling since his mom's death and also has to check in/check out with his counselor at school due to his behavior issues. It sounds like his anger issues have been ongoing for years, not a result of his mom's death according to school records and his physician. I have talked to a lawyer who said that in my state fathers typically get 50/50 custody but with DH's history he would only get every other weekend. She said that unless DH is arrested or caught with drugs or alcohol in his system that he would not get supervised vistation. I can't imagine sending a newborn over to visit every other weekend so I guess I will try to hold out for a little bit longer or see if DH slips up.

If you were unhappy as, say, a bank teller, & you wanted to quit, what would you do? You would say, "I quit", & you would stop doing that job. same here. As long as you keep doing what you've always done ("everybody is *counting on* me"), nobody else will do it. Put dad & mom on notice, & then quit. As so many wise women have advised here in the past: "Disengage". It might help to repeat to yourself: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." reflection from my own very long past: I once was married to someone who drew up a contract dividing our financial responsibilities. He would pay the house payment, & I would pay utilities & buy groceries. It worked for a while, but the house payment was a fixed rate, & utilities & groceries skyrocketed. He had a high-paying job & I had a low-paying one. When my situation became so tight that I was riding the bus & brown bagging my lunch, & he was driving a new car & eating out every day, when I had no money for *anything* & he bought expensive pipe tobacco & lots of "toys", I finally asked for help. & he said..."this is what we agreed to." I hardly ever think about this anymore, because it makes me so angry *at myself*. Why did I not just *stop*, just let the electricity, gas, & water get disconnected? These parents don't have to do anything different because there are no consequences.