Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Sadness as my BF has a child.

Posted by midnightfairy (My Page) on
Wed, May 26, 10 at 4:27

I find myself extremely upset at the moment and that when I have a free space in my head I am haunted by this fact: my boyfriend has a 4 y.o. daughter. There are two elements to this which upset me and make me feel anxious.
My parents divorced when I was 6 y.o. I have had numerous step-parents and step-siblings as a result and also have a half brother. Growing up in an environment where you are constantly fighting for attention, or your primary needs arent met, can have a traumatic impact - which I still suffer today. Its difficult to express in words how hard and traumatic this can be as a child and a teen and even today as a 32 y.o. If you have grown up in a similar environment you would understand. I honestly dont have anything positive to say about step families.
I dont want this kind of situation any more for myself. I dont want this step family arrangement to carry on into the next generation I want it to end with me. If my BF and I have children, I dont want our children to have to compete with his daughter and fight for his attention or feel anything I have felt. I dont want to compete with her either but my feelings clash because naturally I want him to spend time with his child. Im tired of feeling like Im in a competition for love and attention and always come last. I dont want to feel this with my possible husband. I dont want my possible children to feel this with their father.
Secondly, I want to be a mother so badly one day. I want my fairytale of falling in love, getting engaged and married, then going through the magical and scary experience of being pregnant for the first time - together with my partner - and learning and everything else this new parenting experience brings. In my fairytale a child doesnt already exist. I want to be a mum not a step-mum. I dont want my family tree to be split because of his first family. Will a family with him mean we will always be second?
My BF doesnt understand how I feel. He responds with comments that Im worried about nothing as he doesnt currently see her, but I know this will change. My BF doesnt understand my perspective as his parents are still together and residing in the house he has grown up in. It means his ex-girlfriend will always be in our lives and she doesnt seem to be a good person. Furthermore, I dont think he understands how I want to share the first born experience with my partner hes been there before. Even talking about babies with him - the shine has been rubbed off.
My BF is amazing and I love him deeply. The situation makes me feel like someone is standing on my chest and I cant breathe. It makes me sad that I might have to let go of my fairytale - my dreams of my own little family that is not interrupted by any outside factors. Just us. I think this might be too big for me.
If you have felt like I now feel and have made it through to the other side of this situation, I would love to hear about your experience and welcome any opinions.
Thank you.
Warm Wishes.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!