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First Overnight

Posted by MrsProffit25 (My Page) on
Mon, May 2, 11 at 0:13

Hello - This weekend was SD first over night with BM figured i would share :) She came home very happy to see us!! I was really relieved. BUt... BM called us saturday to meet her at Kmart (she obviously didnt want DH to check her place) She arrived 25 min late. DH called SD today which i would assume would be ok... BM gave attitude but handed SD the phone he made it short and sweet basically hi having fun i love you. BM returned SD 40 minutes late so at 7:40 and she and the courts know SD bedtime on school nights is 8. SD was pretty much begging for food. SD said she didnt eat dinner I asked BM cause i actually thought SD was fibbing and BM said she did and she ate pizze. SD said no that was lunch so then BM said ya well it was a late lunch YA AND ITS NOW 8PM!! whatever. I then noticed SD itching her back like crazy!!! I checked because well you know the whole bed bug situation and sure enough she has a rash and red bumps.. SD said maybe it was the cat... our previous court order said no pets due to SD being allergic to cats. No we didnt mention this time in court i guess DH and I both just figured BM knew and was better then that once again WRONG. SD said dont tell mommy cause she told me not tell cause she will get in trouble, grandma has the cat hidden her room (which i knew because BM b/f had told me). I assured her we need to know these things we need to protect you. I told her dont worry she wont be in trouble. Called BM and she said it is her friends cat , she admitted to telling SD not to tell us and when we told her that SD saidits in grandmas room and grandmas cat she said "well thats what she thought". I wanted to take SD to the dr and get whatever it is taken care of and documented but she is inbetween insurance companies and not covered right now. waiting for kidcares aproval. It would have been 100$. If it is still there tomorrow im taking her to her normal pediatric. We told BM we are taking her and she will be held responsible or her share of med bills (child support enforcement has a court order saying she is responisible for 50% or med bills) she threw a fit THATS WHAT CHILD SUPPORT IS FOR! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? IM POOR YOUR RICH! lol wow. seriously? we have 3 kids and DH has to make enough for all of us (5)... Also found out she has been evicted and has to be out by the 5th. She says she has no money for a new place so idk what is going to happen...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: First Overnight

Try benedryl for the night and maybe an oatmeal bath like aveeno. You don't have to run to the dr, you can handle allergy or bug bites at home unless you are wanting to document this for court.

I don't know on the rest. It still seems like you're pulling too much info from the child.. Getting info on BM.

Today, my son slept until 10am.. Not sure why (he is 3). I fed him breakfast. He ended up going back to sleep and not having lunch with him. He woke up later and had lunch/dinner at 5. And nothing after.... I'm not a bad mom it's just how our day went. About 830 he started telling me 'I didn't have dinner' so he had some goldfish and a yogurt. he still insisted that wasn't dinner but because our day was awkward with wake up and nap... We didn't have 3 full meals today.

As far as her not having money for a place, not your problem. You can't worry about what might happen until it happens. If BM does not have a safe place to stay at next overnight, then your Dh should withhold visitation. Let her take DH back to court, what are they going to say? BD you are in contempt because you refused to allow dd to go sleep in a homeless shelter with her mother over night.

Good luck girl, glad your sd was happy to see you. That is a wonderful thing. Also, my ex acts this way when I call to speak to my dd while she is over at his house, so I stopped making the calls because they make it harder on dd when I call. I know it's hard to not make the calls but it's only 24 hours? Do you think BM is making a big deal of it with sd? I don't think you can hope this is going to get better. I'm sorry.


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RE: First Overnight

honestly i didnt ask a thing!!! she came outside to give me a kiss goodnight. i was sitting with my friend and she gave us a kiss while digging at her back i asked whats wrong a looked at her back.. all ii said was when did the itching start. SD knows she cant be around cats. she knoes she is allergic. she mentioned it and i said really? and she said there in grandmas room please dont tell mommy... i didnt pry anything neither did dh... i was shocked but the past 2 or 3 visits sd has been very open... she told me she didnt eat i asked about dinner and like i said i thought she was fibbing! i was like See mommy said you ate pizza! and she argued she didt then bm admitted it... she could made a pb n j for sd... it takes 5min..


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RE: First Overnight

Overall that was not such a bad first overnight. Could have been worse. SD did have a decent time, she was fed, was not mistreated...so far just a few little questionable things.

I betting SD slept on an item the cat naps on for it to have affected her back (or maybe it was bed bugs?). Curious why cat did not cause problems on the afterschool. The cat is not really going to be a problem next overnight as BM is being evicted and won't have a 'home' to house one. Any idea what BM's plan is after the 5th for a residence?

Feeding 'schedules' can get messed up for SD going back and forth and adjusting to a different routine at a different house. Any idea how late in morning the family may have slept in? It may have went noon was breakfast, four was pizza...if BM was not eating evening meal yet, it may not have occured to her to feed SD again. Give the child a sandwich or something light (don't want heavy for bedtime). Did you send the sack of food with SD to be certain food would be available or pre-discuss food situation prior to event? Things are not going to be exactly the same for SD between the two different houses. If there is a 'next time', you may want to send prepared 'picnic' like for SD. Wrap up a couple ham sandwiches and a few pieces of fruit for SD to stick in fridge (I'd stick in enough for BM and the toddler to eat also)...BM managed a pizza and you'll have supplemented is all.

I'd focus on next weekend well in advance as that is the one you yet to have any idea where BM will be. I'd not send SD (talk to lawyer after you get clear details) if there is no home, questionable residence, ect. I would certainly hope BM is not thinking of moving to where Sex Offender Grandpa lives or to a place that is suddenly so far away the afterschools and overnight become still ordered but impractical. You've got more to worry and focus on right now than a skipped meal.

If your cell has a camera snap photos of SD's back and send copies to lawyer for records. Same if she came home with any bodily injuries that are not obvious but questionable...photo document and record.

I have no idea how your kid health care programs work in Florida. If SD were to get seriously sick or actually have an emergency , what kind of care, where and who pays right now? If she fell down and broke her leg this morning, what happens?


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RE: First Overnight

She has share of cost medicaid - just got off the phone and share of cost is we pay the first 1400$... niiiice... SD didnt go to BM on tue visit they went to the mall.. She still has a small rash and now a real bad cough... im worried its her asthma idk but i will pay the 85 out of pocket to get it checked and documented. and thanks i will take a pic! the thing is she used to get sd 5-8pm and our old lawyer threw a fit about her not feeding her dinner at a reasonable time so we have been through this all before. She made an agreement in the past to feed her around 6pm like she eats here. I have no idea what her plans are they did find a place about 45 min away but have yet to decide since she has no money for a deposit. We also live paycheck to paycheck and i cant really afford to feed all three of them and she wouldnt use it out of spite. I said before how BM said she didnt have sd anything and so i packed a night bag. She didnt use the clothes - i guess she took SD to goodwill and bought her a dress. BM doesnt like how we dress SD. IDK why it was a jean skirt and red tank.. Its just spite i think but i wont do it again. Her dr appt is at 1:45 even if its nothing atleast i checked. BM already told me she is tired of taking the bus i think that and also being late all the time is a hint to make us provide the transportation and i wont. Im not going to do all the work for her. I have to submit DH paycheck stubs and identification for SD to be put on kidcare they said they sent me a letter for me to pay the first month but i never got it!!! so it was cancelled... wonderful...


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RE: First Overnight

"We also live paycheck to paycheck and i cant really afford to feed all three of them and she wouldnt use it out of spite. "

I am puzzled, doesn't SD live with you? So how can't you afford feeding 3 kids? Don't you feed all 3 the other days?


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RE: First Overnight

She meant BM SD and BM's other kid

Stop nitpicking unless its obvious neglect.

Bug bites happen ... she could have slept over at a friends and got bitten by bugs

not eating dinner happens ... it won't kill her to eat late or not at all

Don't question mom if she says she didn't eat just go along with it and give her something light .... mine used to do it all the time even though I knew mom had fed them ... still walked in the door "starving".


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RE: First Overnight

She is having an allergic reaction to the cats - just got home from the dr. Nitpicking? SD almost died because BM had 15 cats and it caused an asthma attack that BM neglected to handle right away. Everyone one was told to say thier goodbyes. SD was not concious and not expected to make it through the night. That and including the bite on her shoulder from BM is the reason DH has custody to begin with following the signing over of her rights. We will nitpick , thanks though. And yes i ment BM and her other daughter. I feed mine just fine.


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RE: First Overnight

"Stop nitpicking unless its obvious neglect.

Bug bites happen ... she could have slept over at a friends and got bitten by bugs

not eating dinner happens ... it won't kill her to eat late or not at all "

Pseudo mom, your advice makes sense - except this seems to be part of a pattern of behavior on the part of Mrs. P's SD BM. Mrs. P has just described the physical condition that our SS comes home in; flea-bitten (sometimes in the past lice infested), unfed and unwashed, and it's every single time. And no, it (probably) won't kill him, nor will it (probably) kill Mrs. P's SD. But, after a few years of it, it starts to become, shall we say, frustrating? Yes, any one of those things could have happened elsewhere - but they didn't. And if they happened over and over and over at anyone else's house, SS would no longer be allowed to go to that person's house.

Unfortunately, that's also the view the courts seem to take - stop nitpicking because so long as it's visitation and the child is not in immediate physical danger just ignore it. After all, the kids will probably be fine. But if they're not, we'll be the first to try to try to pass the buck and say that the custodial parent should have "done something".

Mrs. P, I really hope things change.


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RE: First Overnight

If a parent loses child do to neglect I don't think it's over-reacting to document/record signs and symptoms of possible new neglect. Sure, all kids get skeeter bites and the like...but not all kids get bedbug bites, flea bites blah blah. It's one thing to appear nitpicking, quite another to have legitimate concerns.

If one's never experienced an asthma attack, please don't downplay how serious a fact one can be. It was wrong to expose this child deliberately to something that can cause distress and tell her to keep it a secret.

As far as the 'snack' meal supplement, if Mrs. P can't afford it, fine. Feed her a light meal when she gets home or simply ask if she'd like something to tid her over. I know nothing about this child, she may be a nibbler and was indeed hungry...how much pizza did she even eat? Did she get breakfast? Be lucky kid is not a type 1 diabetic.


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RE: First Overnight

I see Mrs.P, sorry, I got confused who you were talking about, you don't have to feed BM and her kid at all.

I do agree with others that bug bites are unacceptable and are a big deal. Skipping a meal is not a big deal. I disagree with packing meals to go to BM though, if BM is not capable of feeding a child, then SD has no business to go there.


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RE: First Overnight

I actually think that too about feeding, PO1...but unfortunately child has to go for now. I have no clue if BM has state assistance on groceries or not. I would think that she would have considering she has a toddler. If it is a matter of no food in the house, I'd provide my SD with meal while there...if it's a matter of BM too stupid/lazy to fed child, I'd record my supplemental necessity and still fed the child.

IDK, maybe I've spent too many hours helping out my mother in her church based food pantry. Breaks my heart to see the little ones hungry. There's a group of families that love to get in 'my line' when I'm there because I pack extra fresh fruits and things that I've bought along myself. Some of these kids eyes just light right up when they see me stick in fresh strawberries or real blueberries along with routine muffin mix. There are several little girls that call me 'the garden lady' because I always bring garden produce in the season and the also get fresh cut flower bouquets for their mommies...I do what I can when I can as I hate to see hungry kids who really have no food (especially half way through the month). Now that I've mentioned it, Mrs. P if it is an actual lack of food over just not feeding child, are there church pantries that you could give the BM a hint about?


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RE: First Overnight

Thank you all for seeing our point! She recieves 467$ a month in food stamps and BF recieves 200$ yes they both claim single even though they live together to get more. BF called me today to "vent' about the living situation (eviction)and he mentioned no food in the house... I didnt really get into it with him - to be honest it didnt even click in my head to put the two and two tegether , i was just listening while putting away grocerys. I have mentioned food pantries to BM in the past as well as churches that would help with bills. She would just rather wait and see what happends - well atleast thats the attitude i get. She has not called to see what the DR said. I wont call either. She knows its her fault. PO1 i agree - i dont understand why I should provide for SD while in her care. Yes i understand its to make sure SD has what she needs but BM faught for her rights back she faught for this time... Once again - thank you all for your advice and just being here..


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RE: First Overnight

is BF handicapped, how do able bodied young men get assistance? food stamps??? he only has one kid.

I once had no health insurance and had low income and asked for state insurance for my kid for like few months, I was denied. how do these people obtain assistance???/


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RE: First Overnight

Exactly po1 I am against welfare because it doesn't always come through for the right people. I have never heard of a young man unless a single custodial parent receiving help. I was denied healthcare as well, not sure why just frustrating... And why food stamps but sd isn't on health insurance through bm. I guess since she isn't custodial but innmy state the non custodial parent can get health insurance.

And my family of 4 spends less than $467 a month in groceries ... Not sure why there is no food in the house unless others are eating it and not the family it's intended for. Bless your heart MrsP. You are in such an ordeal.


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RE: First Overnight

thank you... i sent attorney an email and pictures but havent heard back. its not like her... anxious to hear her thoughts as well... I asked BF how he got food stamps and he said he claimed to be homeless.... Also , i dont know if anyone would know - we are due to get BM income tax for back pay CS but she filed after the deadline... does it matter?


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RE: First Overnight

And that was my point ... nitpicking it every little thing or getting to the heart of the matter ...

Document everything the judge saw a reason to give mom overnights no clue why but you go back then end of june right .... and you will have a collection of things that were the heart of the matter.

Depending on how stubborn BM is ... if dad refuses a visit BM would/could have a cop with her court order at your door ...then in court she says he refused vists blah blah blah...

but within the next 6 weeks or so ... every time she comes back from moms with bites and no food and you have documentiation then you have grounds for no overnights ... until not much you can do but treat them after the fact.

and CS is 6 weeks after she was supposed to get it back if she even filed.


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RE: First Overnight

--" if dad refuses a visit BM would/could have a cop with her court order at your door ...then in court she says he refused vists blah blah blah..."--

Not sure that would be the case here. Lawyer advised Dad to say 'no' on Easter and to offer her a shorter visit. This parenting plan was set up while BM had a residence and also leaves room for supervision by Dad/Mrs.P if sex offender around and druggie Aunt had to move out.

With BM going to be either homeless or sleeping in at where ever takes her in (what offenders and druggies might be there?), Dad every well may be able to offer a shortened afternoon visitation option. Did not deny access, BM can visit child something like noon to 5 or 3 to 7.


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RE: First Overnight

BM is getting a lot in food stamps; we're not sure how but we have learned that in our state, either parent can apply for food stamps on behalf of child - and then that parent is supposed to divvy up food stamps according to custodial time. If both parents file then the custodial parent gets the assistance - but otherwise, custodial parent will never even be told about it and NCP can just continue to collect them.

Food stamps can and are sold, all the time. Even when they are on the electronic cards, they can be sold. 50 cents on the dollar is, I believe, the standard going rate. I used to work at a place where this was very common because many of the production workers were barely scraping by; they'd buy food stamps because it would double their grocery budget. Of course it's wrong - but if someone has got hungry kids and they're watching someone else receiving food stamps through fraud or exaggeration, it's a bit difficult to condemn their actions for buying the food stamps.


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RE: First Overnight

Mattie, you should have heard the debate recently in my state that would put photos on our state's Link cards. Seriously, one side chanting "you're picking on the poor". Then they lapsed into how would we do that (photos)...first thought jumped to my mind was same way you put photos on driver licenses. SOS offices photo licenses and id cards already, but no we must spend for a 'study' on how and cost.

I think the biggest hang-up if my state goes to photos will be assuring that elderly, disabled ect can still have their caregiver do their shopping. I have no problem with families receiving food assistance when there is a need, but I think my state has to way go yet on issues like the ability to cross check data systems for better control of fraud.


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RE: First Overnight

the police refuse to get involved with anything civil here. They just say "go back to court" BM has tried over and over. As well as once BM was an hour late and we were doing pick ups at the police station to keep from having dramatic scenes and even the police told us there is nothing we can do she is her mom, we would have to go back to court.


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RE: First Overnight

I agree police won't get involved unless there is a real threat of danger but will not get involved in the custody dispute on visitations.


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