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very sad and looking for support

Posted by alwaysinmyheart (My Page) on
Sat, Apr 18, 09 at 23:27

I do not even know where to start so I guess the beginning is a good place. I am a mother to 3 children. Two of them live with their father. We were married for years and the marriage was miserable. We really did not date long before we got married which was a mistake. I got pregnant soon after marriage. I tried to make things work. For a while I think we were happy. I wanted another child and he did too and so it happened. Our family was complete. Things went downhill from there and our marriage fell apart. We were just existing together.

Then I met a man at work and we were friends for a long time. Then it happened one day, I guess I fell in love. And so our affair began. After a year long affair I left my husband for this man. Then began the battle for custody. We ended up with joint custody and he was the primary residence parent. I could not afford our home on my own so I had left. He had family nearby who could babysit. So in the eyes of the courts he was the parent who could provide stability because he had our home where the kids grew up and he had the way to keep the kids out of daycare and in their school they had begun in.

It killed me. But what could I do. I began working a lot to keep my head above water and I saw them EOW. Then I got pregnant by the man I left my husband for. We got married. We had a hard time with only him working and daycare was so expensive. We were out of options and I had family out of state that was willing to help us out. So we left state. It hurt so much to leave my other two children behind. At first I called them all the time and sent letters in the mail to them. As time went on I was so busy with a toddler at home and working full-time that I just did not call them as much. With the time difference between where we lived it was just more difficult.

Their father remarried a woman I never met. I found this out when I talked to my children. I knew when he was dating her and when they moved in together too. For some reason this new womans presence just hurt me. It was like my children had a replacement for me. And they liked her. Soon they were calling her mom. That hurt. I worked like crazy to save enough money to just move back to their area. My husband and I fought long and hard about it.

I was finally recently able to move back to the area where my children are. It is more expensive than where we were living. Now me and my husband work all the time. Daycare is raising our child it seems. And my two children never want to see me. When I moved my ex had our visitation order changed so I no longer have joint custody. My husband is always mad at me that I chose to bring us back here and we are struggling and my kids don't even want to see me. He wants us to move back out of state. I do not want to leave my children again. But it has been 2 months since they have even come over to our home. They always have plans and can never come for a whole weekend. If I am lucky I get an overnight with them when I do see them.

When I have seen my kids they tell me things their stepmom has said about me. She has called me a bad mom. She has told my older daughter that she is just like me when she misbehaves. She makes my girls scratch her back for long times. She has cut my girls hair super short so they look like her since she has short hair. She let my daughters both get their ears pierced. She lets my older daughter pick out clothes that are too old for her. And my younger daughter always comes to me in clothes that are very worn and almost embarassing to bring her anywhere in. My ex will not talk to me about anything. He says that when I left my kids I lost any right to say anything. They always ask me for money and tell my girls that if I gave them money they could be in more activities and have more things. So my girls blame me when they can not have/do something. They tell my girls that I love my young son with my new husband more than them. They tell my girls that if I loved them I would have never left them in the first place. They have told my girls that I chose my new husband over them and their dad.

I just do not know what to do. I don't have the money to pay support, me and my husband are barely able to support ourselves and our son together. I don't have the money to go to court and try to change anything.

How do I get my girls to love me again?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: very sad and looking for support

How often did you call them when you lived out of state? How often did you see them during that time? How long were you gone?

I have 3 stepkids whose mom moved out of state a few years ago. She had more children and would go months at a time without calling. Most times we had no phone number for her so the kids could not even call her. It hurt them deeply. She has moved back near us and still rarely sees them and is going on almost 3 months without so much as a phonecall to them!

I will be honest. My 14 yr old sd hates her mother. And I can not blame her. My 6 yr old ss barely even knows his mother and does not want to even visit her because she is almost a stranger to her. She only has one fan, my 13 yr old sd. But even she is beginning to dislike her mother.

They have all been let down by her. Me and my husband never talk badly about their mother to them or around them. But they are old enough to see things for themselves. And I do not know if their mom will even be able to mend their relationship. Honestly I do not think she really even cares anyways.

I honestly feel like you messed up your relationship with your children by distancing yourself like you did. Not just the geographical aspect, but the dwindling of phone calls and letters. If you want a relationship with them and a working relationship with your ex then you need to step up. You need to not criticize anything your ex and his wife do, as they alone took care of the kids in your absence. And it sounds like they have all the financial obligation too.Start making plans with your children and killing them all with kindness. If you only get a few hours on a visit so be it!! Take them back to your house for dinner and a board game even if that is all you have time for. Offer to take them to their activities. Attend their school functions and any extracurricular activities.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I won't get into the past with you because I think you're pretty much very aware of where you went wrong. I think the only thing you can do now is get involved in their lives however you can. How old are they now? I would demand visitation and take them to their activities on your visitation time. That's what parents do and you are their parent.

Here's a link to an article that might help you understand why your children's stepmom tries to make your daughters in her image. http://www.divorcesource.com/CA/ARTICLES/diener6.html There's probably nothing you can do, but just model the kind of woman you are to their daughter. There's also another book out there called 'Motherless Daughters' that might help you understand where your children are coming from in regards to you and the anger they may have felt. I will say at the end of the day as a stepkid herself that lost her Mom, as many times as I was angry with her, I wanted her back desperately. As kids, they don't know how to show you this and the bad behavior is probably testing you, to see if you are going to stick around. But you know what? It's not too late. You have a chance and your kids need you. So keep trying, keep reading of ways you can get through to them. You can do it.

Here is a link that might be useful: Designer Stepdaughters


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RE: very sad and looking for support

My story is almost exactly yours, I couldn't really write anything different, except I'm the dad. My second wife and I didn't have any kids, but otherwise it's very similar.

One of my kids, my eldest and I have a relationship, the youngest one I haven't been able to speak to since 2002.

Moving away was hard but so was leaving them, the latter I had to do, to save myself. I wasn't a very good dad at the end there, because my marriage was so poisonous and quite abusive (on my ex's part) - she denigrated and screamed at me in front of the kids all the time, which kind of poisoned their minds. The eldest saw through it.

I've always tried to keep the contact up, and sent gifts or money for xmas/birthdays etc, with the youngest I don't know if writing her is a good idea or not, I always send a letter on an occasion like xmas/birthday but not so much between because she has made it clear she isn't interested in talking to me. It makes me pretty sad, something I have to live with every day.

My now-wife is my soul mate and I am thankful she is in my life each and every day, it is hard to not let the regret sour that a little. But I can only do what I can do, and try. I am sure she sees it differently, but I've tried. Maybe one day she'll see.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I don't see that they are lying about anything. I can understand not having money, but you are the one who showed them all you don't have concern for the children you left behind and didn't bother to stay in contact with either. Now, you come back and want to be mommy again, but nobody's going for that. It is awful, absolutely awful that they bad talk you to the children, even though they are telling the truth. I just wish grown people would keep their mouths shut and keep children out of grown people's business. But they don't, and there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot police their household, and you cannot come back and be mommy in any capacity that affects or influences their lives to your own satisfaction. Therefore, you should be the one to keep your mouth shut and stop adding to the problems and drama you already caused in your children's and ex husband's lives.

So what if they dress in a way you think is inappropriate and embarrassing. If you don't like it, then do what people - mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, godmothers - with common sense do and buy some clothes to keep at your house for your children and stop complaining. Was that so difficult to figure out?

So what if she let them get their ears pierced. If you were there raising them, you'd have that decision to make, but you are not there raising them, so the decision is not yours. This is hardly anything to complain about, and I don't blame your ex for not wanting to be bothered with such trivial complaints and thoughtlessness. You ought to be old and sensible enough to find solutions to some of your complaints and stop causing problems and then compounding them.

You have not mentioned one thing about their activities, their accomplishments, their grades, their conduct in school, their hopes and dreams, their favorite book, their BFF......nothing. Do you know, or are you too busy complaining about pierced ears? When was the last time you asked how their day was, or spoke with their teachers, or attended a parent teacher conference, or extracurricular activity? You are complaining that they are too busy to spend time with you, but do you spend time with them? If they are on a sports team, do you attend the games? Can you volunteer at school a few hours a week? There are many things and ways you can find to apply yourself and show your children you care about them.

Can you see how easy it is to say you love them? I don't understand your question being about how to get them to love you. Must everything be about you...what you think...what you want...what else you can find to complain about...the horrible person you think the woman who is raising your children is? You think perhaps being a parent is a good place to begin? Apologize to your children, your ex & his wife, and thank her for stepping in after you abandoned them. Make a vow to them that you will become more involved and help out sometimes. It doesn't have to take money, just volunteer your services whenever they need you. Set up a nightly call schedule with the girls so they can share their day and upcoming events with you. Stop expecting everyone to bend their lives around your will and your desires and make some effort yourself.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

And are you paying any child support? If I read it correctly you are not? That would really annoy me if I was your ex-husband.

Boohoo for financial troubles, you have these kids and you have responsibilities. If you can't afford the lifestyle then downsize. If you can't keep your head above water then why did you have another baby? Why not wait until you are set up better financially? You are not a victim of circumstances, you create your own mess.

How come you can't pay anything for your own kids? And it sounds like your husband has let that go since he's not taken you to court for it. You should THANK him for that. But instead you are fantasizing about taking him to court? That is just ridiculous.

And I agree with others that you have no right to critisize the SM in this case. When you are a parent to your girls than you get to have a say, but you have been out of the picture.

And also keep in mind that when the girls tell you things you might need to take that with a grain of salt. Like theyhave to scratch SM's back for a long time..what is long? How often does SM return the favor? Are they saying it to make YOU feel better? And with the short hair, do you really think that SM would cut it against their will? They may LIKE her hair and they might want the same cut, but they wouldn't tell you that now would they??

Don't be judgemental, you are angry or disappointed that SM has a big role in their life, so that is for YOU to deal with. Keep that to yourself, don't bother your kids with it. You should be thankful that they have a good bond with her, how awful would it be for your kids if the SM was an absolute dog? Be happy they have s stable home life.

Start contributing financially, even if you can't afford full child support you should still talk to your ex about maybe contributing a lesser amount till you get ahead, but not contributing anything is just not on.

And be happy every time you do get to spend some time with the kids, even if it is a couple of hours. The dinner and board game is a good suggestion. Do something personal with them like that, and don't talk about your ex or the SM, don't question them about it, just focus on them.
And start going to a few events that are important for them. Remember they don't owe you anything, you are not a victim.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

You effectively abandoned your oldest children for a man. It cant be easy for the girls.
Start being a parent and focus on the kids not you. First, make certain the school has your address and you recieve communications. Attend teacher conferences. Their education is their job 1, and you should know what it goind on. Any school activities they participate in you should attend.

As to the hair, maybe they just like short hair. Maybe SM doesnt have time to deal with long hair.

This, I cant afford to support my kids is BS. You should not have more until you can comforably suppport the ones you have.

Yes, you can go to court and ask for more visitation and demand that they stop saying some of these things, but then X is likely to go against you for CS. The best you could hope for is to write a letter to X asking him that SM not say the girls are like you. Its one thing for them to be mad at you for being totally irresponsible, they should not take it out on the kids.

How old are the kids? Soon they will be deciding on their own where to spend time.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

Hmmm.

I think Nivea said it really well.

" I think the only thing you can do now is get involved in their lives however you can."

There is no point in raking you over the coals for what you have done in the past. I understand that sometimes the things we do in the past become our deeprest regrets, and, anyway, you cannot change the past.

I do think, however, that you might need to open your eyes a little bit to how the past has created THIS situation NOW. I mean that with the kindest intentions. I just think you are projecting your anger at yourself onto your ex and the SM. Whether you want to face it or not, they have been the ones raising these girls because you, more or less, abandoned them for a man. I think deep inside you know it and maybe don't want to admit the damage that has caused. I think it is easier for you to direct your *anger* at the SM and blame her for petty (yes, they are petty!) issues such as ear piercing and clothing. When you start playing a more active role in your girls' lives AND contributing financially to their support, THEN you can have input into these minor areas.
So, before you do anything else--you need to do a serious personal inventory and look at yourself. Don't blame anyone or anything--that will get you nowhere. If I were you, I would go to my ex and go to my girls and say "I made a mistake when I moved away. I am so sorry. WHAT can I do to make this right?"

I think (I hope) you will find people a lot more accomodating and willing if you are sincere and if you take ownership of this problem.

How old are your girls? I think it is never too late to repair this relationship and the sooner you start, the better. do whatever you can, but be consistent. Call them often. Get in touch with their school and make sure you are on the email/address list;that way you will receive communications about school events, conferences, etc. Go to whatever you can to show your emotional/physical support to your girls. And definitely start contributing SOMETHING, even if it is only $25/week. Just SOMETHING, whatever you can afford, to show that YOU are making an effort.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I agree with kkny, you need to let your exH know that if SM or he is ever comparing the kids to you, it is hurtful to the kids. Part of that is acknowledging that you made poor choices and have done the wrong thing. I tried to find something supportive to say, but the bottom line is... you have made choices. You chose to have an affair, you could have ended the marriage FIRST. You chose to let your ex have custody (or you chose to leave, knowing he was in a more stable situation... and you left because you wanted something else), you could have taken the time to plan how you would continue to be an active parent to your children after you leave BEFORE you left. You chose to have another baby when you were not paying support for the two you already had. You chose to move out of state and focus on your new baby, basically abandoning the first two. You could have maintained contact via mail, phone, internet or an occasional visit. (btw, how was your family okay with you moving closer to them without your children and didn't THEY want a relationship with your first children?)

Of course the kids feel abandoned, hurt and angry at the choices you've made. Their half brother gets you all the time but they didn't get the contact they deserved. You chose a man over them. If their dad and SM are saying those things to them, they are wrong if they say it in a hostile way, but if they are acknowledging the facts of what you did... I see nothing wrong with that. If you lie, there's nothing wrong with telling a child "I'm sorry you were lied to." or if you don't come see them.. "I'm sorry your mom doesn't see you as much as you'd like." It's the TRUTH. If they are saying negative things like "You're just like your mother!" and the implication is that you are a terrible person for everything you've done, then they are taking it out on the child by implying to the child that they are terrible. THAT is wrong.

At this point, you've made your bed and now you must lie in it. If you allow your husband to talk you into leaving the state again... leaving your kids again... then it's your choice and you live with the consequences if they hate you for it. Their dad and SM are not going to make them hate you... they will hate you for what you've done to them. Kids can be the most forgiving creatures... but they also keep score and remember ALL the bad stuff. If dad and SM are saying hurtful things to them, they will also pay the price for that later on down the road if they aren't already.

For now, because of your past choices, you really don't have the right to come back and make demands, change rules, make parenting choices, etc. Get a job(or two). Start paying support. Get involved with your kids... the important stuff like school... go to their activities. At this point, dad and SM are the parents... you are not. Set up regular contact, even if it's just a weekly phone call. NEVER miss a day. NEVER be late. and don't ask them about their homelife... ask them about their friends, ask them about school, ask them about their activities, etc. It's on you to prove to them that they are important to you and you WANT to be a mom to them. Eventually, thing may get better and you may end up with more influence on what they wear, how they wear their hair, etc. Those things are not as important as them having a good relationship with their mom and feeling loved.

On the issue of child support... if you have a pet, you can pay child support. (get rid of the pet!) if you smoke(or drink), you can pay child support. (quit smoking & send THAT money to your kids!) If you are not working, collect cans & send THAT money to your kids! Send SOMETHING! $10 or $20 is better than nothing and saying "I can't afford it" and then let your ex (and kids) see you driving a financed car, or smoking or talking on a cell phone, or making sure your son and/or pets are taken care of. (It boils our blood to see my SD's mom taking her 13 dogs/puppies to the vet and argued with us over a $10 copay for her daughter's Dr. visit... and she also told us she couldn't afford to send any child support! and the 13 dogs...that's not counting the first dog she had and abandoned when she moved to be with her BF. She abandoned her kids AND her dog.)


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RE: very sad and looking for support

it is possible to maintain close relationship and being involved living geographically far. MY DD and her father lived in different countries at some point, yet they maintained close rleationship, managing seeing each other and reguraly talking. They managed to have emotionally close relationship and now DD21 sees her dad even more often than me, well now she is geographically closer to him than me.

My point is it is doable, just a hard work. I don't think you did enough to be involved with them.

PS by the way your comment about time difference is ridiculous. It is not a good excuse. I live 5 hours time difference from DD, and yet i call her.

The only thing you can do now is apologize to them. and yes you can pay CS, if you could have another child, you could pay for your other kids.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

Your story makes me sad for the kids. I am a stepmom to a wonderful girl with no mother. Her mother is not dead--she is just too absorbed in her own life to care about her daughter. And it sounds that you were the same way. You were more worried about your happiness with this new guy than you were about the happiness of your children? You already had two kids and chose to have another with this man and now you want to cry poor? You should have thought about that before getting pregnant again. As someone who already had 2 children I assume you were old enough to use birth control??

And now because your ready to be a mom to your daughters your upset that they have their own lives? And you want to complain about what their father and stepmother do?

My stepdaughters mom tries that. She stays gone for long periods and then shows up out of nowhere and wants to act like she is queen bee. Wants to complain about things I do. If she was so concerned about her daughter then she should have stayed in her life full-time instead of this every few months bull.

Being a parent is not a when you feel like it job. It is a lot of sacrifice and selflesness which you have not done. And now you complain that your husband wants to move back out of state?? If you do that you mine as well say goodbye to any future relationship with your children. That will be the final show of you not caring about them. That is how they and everyone else will see it.

Doesn't your family question your actions regarding your daughters? If I were to up and leave my daughter I know my family would!

If you really want to form a relationship with your children you need to fully commit to it. It will do them more harm than good for you to do it for a while and then stop. You need to set up a regular schedule for seeing them and calling them. Even if your schedule involves bringing them to practices and sitting through them. You need to show them that your really going to be there for them. And you probably need to admit that you were wrong for leaving them like you did.


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court

And if they or your ex resist your attempts you have two choices. Either accept it or go to court to change the visitation order. But be prepared because you will probably have to start paying child support too!! Will it still be worth it?

It is one thing to complain about why you can not see your kids but it is another thing to have to sacrifice to do it.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

alwaysinmyheart.
1. You cheated....enough said.
2. You left state for financial reasons. Its logical and i get that. But they see it as abandonment. clear cut.
3. You are not paying for CS????? shows neglect on your part.
4. You didn't keep in touch???? I know its hard raising a toddler..but 5 minutes of your time to call them would have ment the world! again...neglect on your part....
5. Hair cuts, ear piercing???? none of your business since you are not raising them or kept in touch at all..and you come back expecting to claim those as a mothers right? Sorry...blaming sm in this case is a cop out. SHE is raising your kids. Yes she does see you as a bad mother because of your past actions and your continual actions.
6. Your new husband wants to move back and your kids wont see you...logically. You have started a new family and your old one that you left behind dosn't want to see you.
Your in a tough situation....i think you'll have a better relationship with you girls when they get older..but for now...i think you have to start very slow with low expectations...and muzzle it about the duties the SM has...because she has become their mom now after you left.
I think calling them, and giving some money to them is a start....to at least open the door.
Remember, you betrayed them. They have no trust in you....so take baby steps if you are truly sincere and i think apolizing to them for what you have done is also a start...


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RE: very sad and looking for support

umm im sorry you were too busy caring for a toddler to call your other kids?? all you seem to have to me is a line of excuses...yeah it sucks being poor, I grew up poor..but you know what? I always had some form of communication from my parents...got a stamp?? Your kids feel abandoned because they WERE abandoned..by you ...you made your choices...and your bad choices affected your children...do you seriously expect to walk into their life and everything be peachy keen? Your children will always be emotionally scarred for your bad choices.....if I were you I would be THANKFUL that another woman was willing to step up to the plate and Raise YOUR children while you started another family with another man.......................want to help your kids? Get some REALLY good counseling for yourself..work through your issues and THEN go to family counseling with your girls and attempt to build some type of relationship.............


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RE: very sad and looking for support

Dear Allwaysinmyheart,
This is a very sad situation all round.
The fact that you have come to this board with openness and honesty, asking for help and support says a lot about your character and sincerity.
You have made mistakes, yes, bur would a man, whether he was having an affair or not, who left the matrimonial home, be accused of abandoning his children? No I think not.
You say your former marriage was unhappy, but you do not attempt to blame your ex husband so we have no clue as to what extent he may have contributed to this. Marriages go wrong. Sometimes they are killed sometimes they die a long, slow death. You fell in love. It happens and when it happens its impossible to put your feelings on hold. Unless anyones experienced this they cant know what theyre talking about. Dont let others judge you.
At this stage you should have given yourself more time instead of relinquishing your home. The new guy worries me. He seems to care very little about your relationship with your girls and is prepared to see you torn, wretched and miserable. Is this really the kind of person you can be happy with?
You continued to see your girls on a regular basis until you moved away to where you had family and presumably some practical and emotional support.
This was another wrong move. You allowed yourself to be pressured again, I suspect by the new guy. You then made the mistake of tailing off communication with your girls. Sometimes, in deep emotional pain when we feel helpless to deal with it or find answers, we can tend to blank it out .
I believe it was shame, guilt and hopelessness which stopped you communicating, not a lack of time or love.
You are now back in close proximity to your girls, and again in conflict with your new husband. Does he ever put your needs, wishes and emotional well-being first?
Your husband sounds like he may well be bitter over your affair and subsequent leaving, even if he may concede the marriage was dead. Although this is understandable, he and his new wife are very wrong to involve the children and to prejudice them against you.
Someone here has got to start being the grown-up.
Dont get involved in any tit for tat discussions. Dont run down their father or his wife. Would it in any way be possible to speak to them calmly about your wishes to be involved with the children?
Meanwhile, I believe you need to have a good, long think about your marriage. Your children will always come first your heart is telling you this on a daily basis. They will never lose their loyalty for you, even though it seems that way at times. It doesnt matter if SM dyes their hair green with pink spots, one day they will be old enough to dissect all that has happened and theres every chance you can have a full and proper relationship with them.
But only if you make the right choices now. Stay close by be consistent in showing them that you love and care for them even when you feel they dont reciprocate.
There are bridges to build and you need to be strong. Dont keep allowing yourself to be pulled this way and that. Accept your mistakes and put them in the past where they belong. Dont be bullied by sanctimonious and self-righteous opinions from those happy to jump on the band-wagon or a husband who honestly doesnt give a bean for your kids except his own.
Good luck, Alwaysinmyheart
I truly wish you well.

Dunmoanin


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I beg to differ. If a man moved out and paid no CS, he would be called a deadbeat dad and taken to court.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

"You have made mistakes, yes, bur would a man, whether he was having an affair or not, who left the matrimonial home, be accused of abandoning his children? No I think not."

well yeah I think so!!! moving from the home is not the issue, this happens every day..what IS an issue is that she CHOSE to not have contact with her children (cant flipping even call or send letters that is BS she didn't WANT to contact her kids..there is no good reason on this earth not to have regular contact with your children whether it is visits, letters or phone calls EXCEPT IF YOU ARE DEAD! and obviously she is alive and kicking, ------THAT is abandonment whether it is a father or a mother-------------

and there is no good reason to not pay your child support....get an extra job..whatever you have to do...but please stop having more babies you cant afford!!!


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RE: very sad and looking for support

dunmoanin,

"someone here has to be the grown-up" "They will never lose their loyalty for you, even though it seems that way at times."

I think that this is going too far! This lady left her kids and husband to go be with another man! She then replaced her two kids with another and moved away!! Now she wants to be mommy again? Why? Because her dh and kids have moved on?? It seems to me that the grown ups are the dad and stepmom who have raised these children. And who knows about the things they are saying.

When the kids cry to me that their bm let them down I don't tell them "no, she is not a bad mom". I just sypmathize with them and say things like "I am sorry she did that". So I am not talking badly about her....but some could say that I am because I did not defend her.

Parenting is not just a when you feel like it job. Parents should not just move away from their kids.

And this loyalty thing you speak of.....well it is not always there. My 6yr old ss does not really know his bm. He does not remember life from when he was 1 and 2. All he knows now is that some lady has had him come to her home a few times. And he knows his older sisters call this lady mom. And he hates going. Cries and begs to stay here with me.

There is no excuse in my book for what she did. Now she needs to kiss butt to try and mend this situation. And she needs to make sure she is going to be in it for the long haul this time. She will destroy those kids if she does this "mommy thing" for a while and quits on them again.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

It would appear I am wrong for not joining the baying crowd in putting this lady into the stocks and throwing rotten tomatoes at her.
I assume she did not come here for a judge and jury even if anyone here was half qualified for that role. It is clear she has already judged herself enough. Lets not lose sight of the important issue, and that is the children. It is in their best interests to know that both their parents love them no matter what else has gone on. Yes, even a 1 or 2 year old will one day wonder, ask and likely seek out his origins. Whose victory is it to have a child hating their mother or father?
Alwaysinmyheart never cold-bloodedly walked out on her children. Read again what she said.

Then began the battle for custody
in the eyes of the courts he was the parent who could provide stability because he had our home where the kids grew up and he had the way to keep the kids out of daycare and in their school they had begun in.
She never said she DID NOT contact them
At first I called them all the time and sent letters in the mail to them
I just did not call them as much
On paper I agree that does not make sense, but I get the impression she is possibly with a very controlling man. Its easy to say what you would or would not have done but unless and until you live with someone like that, you cannot know the enormous emotional pressure/depression she was likely battling. We have not walked in her shoes.

She worked and saved and fought with her new husband to get back to her children.
Does that sound like a cold-hearted woman who doesnt love her kids?

She found out the children were calling the new wife mom. Why should they be encouraged to do that when they already have a mom that loves them?
Her ex husband claims she lost all rights when she left. What rubbish! Is that putting the kids first? Sounds like bitterness and revenge to me.
This lady has made some grave mistakes. I think she knows that. Do you think that someone who didnt care would sit down and write to a forum for some help and guidance?
Im not here to fall out with anyone, but blame and shame will not help those children.

Dunmoain


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I completely and totally agree, Dunmoain. It is what is best for the children, not the adults.

We do have a lot of stepparents here where the other bio parent either abandoned the children or has mental issues. So I know where some of the anger is coming from, but again, this is the adult side and it really should be about what is best for the children.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

"Soon they were calling her mom. That hurt. I worked like crazy to save enough money to just move back to their area"

*That was made to sound like her main reason for moving back was because the kids grew attached to someone else!*

A "GOOD MOTHER" would have never moved away from her children in the first place. She would have never had another child when she could not even help pay for the kids she already had.

This sounds like someone who thought the grass was greener on the other side and has come to realize it was not.

I am not trying to keep bashing her. But this situation hits home for me.

I am a bm and a sm. I would NEVER leave my son. I just have a hard time understanding why any woman would move away from her children. I have a hard time understanding how women choose men over their children's best interests.

And I am really thinking about what is best for the children. And if alwaysinmyheart is under the control of some man and he is going to convince her to leave her kids yet again then she should just leave the kids alone. Let them be happy. Happiness is not going to come from her seeing them a few times and then leaving again. It will only cause more heartache for those kids.

And I do think that if you leave your kids for years and barely contact them then you do lose the right to make decisions in their day to day life. And if you don't even pay child support then don't complain about the clothes they wear or haircuts they get because your not the one paying for them!


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RE: very sad and looking for support

I have to say that the bulk of these responses are just plain mean. She obviously feels heartbroken and is HUMAN. Human beings make mistakes...... she can mend this.....she needs support to help her mend this....NOT accusations and desparaging words......

Let's support her, because that's why she came here. Are you all perfect? I agree, she does need to step back and respect the fact that the ex and stepmom have been raising the children. She needs to attempt to win their friendship first and by offering to do anything she can to help out with the family is a start. Financially, even $50 a week would help....if that's not an option, offer to help.....Offer to help clean the house......... just get in there......it'll happen. Stay focused. I do have to say new hubby seems controlling........that could be another story. If more than anything you want back in your kids lives, that has to be your priority.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

Jo,

I read your other post, and you are someone who is doing your best, but becaause of illness and distance required by illness, are hurting. I do feel for you.

The OP here is someone who is hurting as SHE abandoned her children to be with another man. Yes she made a mistake. But worse, she doesnt want to do the right thing and support her children -- only critizie the life her X and SM have made for the child.


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RE: very sad and looking for support

"The OP here is someone who is hurting as SHE abandoned her children to be with another man. Yes she made a mistake. But worse, she doesnt want to do the right thing and support her children -- only critizie the life her X and SM have made for the child. "

I completely agree with KKNY.....who would have thought that would happen! LOL


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RE: very sad and looking for support

You cannot go back and redo the past. You are the mean one here. It is true that you left you children for another man. You have caused damage that you will never realize in their lives. I agree with the poster who said that you should go and apologize to the birth father, and the step mother. Thankfully, they are the ones that are giving a stable homelife to your children.

Your children may eventually forgive you, but they will always live with the scars of the damage that you have done to them. They may forgive, but they will never forget what you did to them!

I'm not being mean to you. Just honest.


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