New SD mama drama ~ L.M.A.O.

13 years ago

I'm not posting this for advice, but maybe someone may find it entertaining or get as good a chuckle as I did... so this one is for amusement only.

BM went to court Monday because DCSS is making her seek work. The last time she was there, they recalled the bench warrant for her failure to appear at the previous hearing & they found her in NON COMPLIANCE, but gave her a new court date to bring the job search logs back complete. So, she goes on Monday & while at the court, she files a motion to modify child support and requests to be allowed to return her job search logs by mail... oh yeah, she wants the monthly amount of arrears she's supposed to pay reduced by half. She was ordered to pay $100 a month, she wants it to be $50. (BTW, the last time she was in court, the order said if she paid the $316, she did not need to appear with job search logs at all)

Here is her "declaration": (verbatim)

"I have been unemployed since February of 2010. Unfortunately, I have not been able to keep up with the court ordered support and I have been falling severely behind. I have also been looking for work on a weekly basis and cannot find any employment. It has been difficult. I would also ask this court to allow me to submit my "job search" documentation to the Department of Child Support Services by mail. I live approximately 3 hours away from her and it costs me $80.00 in fuel for each trip I make here and back. At present, I am ordered to come 2 times per month, which equates to approximately $160.00 per month for travel to deliver the documentation. I would simply ask the court to allow me to mail them in. I would also ask this court to set my arrears payment at $50.00 per month."

She also submitted a financial statement saying she has 0.00 income and pays $316.00 per month in support. (She didn't even claim any of her spousal support, so maybe she thinks if she leaves it completely off the form she signed under "penalty of perjury", they won't ask for proof. lol)

Well, I guess what makes me laugh, besides the fact that she hasn't paid a penny in over a year and thinks she won't look like a deadbeat, is that she claims she can't come twice a month to drop off job search logs, yet she supposedly is coming three times a month to pick up her DD for visits. (of course that would mean relieving grandma & forcing BM to come get SD herself~she don't wanna do that!) But, she claims it costs $80.00 in fuel... she drives her mom's Toyota Corolla. DH drives the same car to pick up SD & it costs him about $35.00 in fuel round trip. But if she's claiming that she has to spend $160.00 a month in travel expenses and is willing to pay $50.00 in arrears, why not just pay the $210.00 toward the support & maybe they'd work with her.

The last time DH was in court with her, the Judge admonished her for coming to court with an attorney when DH is asking her to pay $150 in medical bills... and of course everyone knows an attorney costs much more than that.

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Comments (9)

myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Lol people are so dumb ...

I got one for you. We are ordered to mediate before we go to trial which exDh started a modification order years ago that's just been going on and on and on all this time. Anyway - we were ordered to see someone who charges like $3000. Ex sent a letter stating that it was too much and wanted us to go to a legal aide center at $200. If we can't go to legal aide, we'll have to just go to trial because he doesn't have $3000. But trial will cost no less than $10-15k for each attorney ... How logical is that??
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
In CA, mediation is mandatory for any custody/visitation issue. A few years ago, when DH filed for support, BM filed a motion for custody. They went to mediation & they gave such different accounts that the mediator wanted to see & talk to SD. Since BM lives 3 hours away & DH works an hour away, I offered to bring her to an appointment. BM's fangs came out & she snarled at me that SHE would bring HER daughter! (even the mediator was taken aback & told her to calm down) A few weeks later, BM picked up SD from school & took her to the mediation. SD told the mediator so many lies & horrible things about DH & me, that the mediator said it was "unbelievable" and refused to issue a recommendation. Instead, she referred them to a professional evaluator, which in our area runs about $6,000.00. BM got the call to schedule the appointment, they told her what it would cost & she called DH saying there's no way she can afford that so the case was dropped. There is a standing order that the evaluation must be done before any changes in custody or visitation can be done. (hence, DH cannot take her back to court to lower her time either unless HE pays it) It's a good bet that BM will never get custody of SD unless DH gives it to her... and he doesn't think it's in her best interest of course.

And yeah, the trial they had in 2007 cost us $12,000.00 and ended in a 50/50 custody split. BM gave DH custody three weeks later when she met & moved away with BF. (The hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is that two weeks before the trial, BM had a different boyfriend that SD was telling us... mommy is getting married & I'm gonna be the flowergirl in the wedding, yet month later meets a new guy & dumps her kids to be with him.) Our total legal fees are exceeding $15,000.00 and currently DH is going to represent himself. If we thought she had a case, we might call in the attorney again. Of course, it's silly to pay $300 an hour to get $216 a month in support.

It gets so ridiculous, getting angry is pointless so you have to laugh.
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I read through the OP & some of the posts, but stopped at this one & had to respond before I continue on with reading the rest of the posts. (so forgive me if I missed something that was posted after this) "Why can't you respect someone who works 2 jobs (see your first post)? What is not to respect about that? Did anyone notice this comment????" I noticed it. My first thought was "at least she's working". I've also had similar difficulty with my own feelings/judgments, etc regarding my SD12's BM. She is 38 and has never worked a real job. She was lucky enough to get a minimum wage office job, instead of fast food... but a real job that gave her some good responsibility, but she screwed that up by stealing from her boss & ended up being convicted of embezzelment. Now, at 38+, how is she ever going to work & support herself? I stuggle with judging her for that because I have worked since I was 14 and often worked 2 jobs to support my kids... she sits on her backside all day, thinking of ways to get others to take care of her. Our values & lifestyles are such a stark contrast to each other, I cannot relate to her at all. It's much easier to judge & criticize her than to try & understand something I can't begin to comprehend. Just as I can't understand her relationship (or lack thereof) with her kids... I loved kids, I wanted kids & when I had my kids, I live for them... there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. I can't count the sleepless nights, how many miles I've driven to do things for them, everything I've gone without so they can have. So, I don't get someone that lets her child run around in the cold with shorts & no shoes. I don't get someone that relies on others to be taken care of when I know eventually, those people will be gone. and what bothers me most, which really ISN'T my problem, is that she is modeling her "everyone should take care of me" lifestyle to her daughter... and if falls back on me & DH. I wonder what it will be like when SD is 25 & has kids... can't keep a relationship together (like her mom) and comes back to us for help. She won't go to her mom because her mom is already nearly 40 and can't even get a minimum wage job because she's a convicted thief. I guess in a way, my opinion or judgment of BM could be seen that I think I'm better than her... and there is some truth to it. I am proud that I supported my kids, raised my kids, and would do anything for my kids. If I were a BM that wouldn't work, fought supporting my kids, let someone else raise my kids & made excuses every time my kids needed something or wanted me to come to one of their things... then I would feel like a loser. But, that comes from MY perspective from the parent that I am. I can't understand what someone else feels when they do things so differently. There is no shame in manual labor at any age. There is no shame in an honest day's work at any age. I can only imagine that someone "at her age" chooses to be a waitress because she may enjoy the interaction with customers... she may be a bus driver because she enjoys being around kids & likes the schedule. It's not always about the money or prestige. My aunt started a landscaping company at age 55 when she divorced her husband. It's something I would never do but she enjoys it. I gave up a secure office job with benefits to have the freedom of self employment but sometimes, when the phones don't ring for days & the bank account starts dwindling... and I don't have my bi weekly paycheck to count on, it's scary but I love what I do so it's worth it to me. I try to understand SD's BM... not working, etc. I imagine she enjoys each day, sleeping in & playing games on her computer all day without a worry in the world. I couldn't do it, but I am getting better at seeing another perspective.
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CS8, your intuition is probably right, the child's reactions are probably fueled by his mother. I went through the same exact thing with my step-children where we enjoyed a lengthy honeymoon phase and then MAJOR attitude started happening (they are a bit older so I never got kicked if not only verbally). That said, I also know that after the honeymoon, reality set in, the reality that mom and dad weren't getting back together... and as much as they "understood" it, the hurt of it began to manifest and who else better to take it out on than the person that mom doesn't like? Discipline is a hard thing, somewhere we step-figures were told that only the bio-parent should really address issues... However, I do think that in order for things not to escalate, they need to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. I think it's great that you were able to do so with the tyke! I think it is very important that children don't see the adults in their lives as wishy-washy or simply passive when they are misbehaving, otherwise they are going to push that "inappropriate" behavior as far as possible (knowing perhaps that they can get away with murder if dad isn't there to take action). I LOVE my husband. I absolutely adore him... but sometimes I think he just doesn't get it. I took MANY MANY MANY conversations before he understood that he and I had to be a united front when it came to intervention and that he too had to let his children know that "inappropriate" behavior just isn't acceptable (and I keep putting inappropriate" in quotation marks because there are so many degrees of misbehaving). 3 years later? I am now entering the phase where the children are growing up and testing their boundaries for their own reasons... But I love them and they love me. Sure, every once in a while they will try and get away with things, but at this point it has little or nothing to do with me or with their hurt; at this point, I can confidently say that, if they are acting up it because of their age. I guess what I would say is: 1. Hang in there. You don't have to be maternal to get along or even love that child. 2. Hang in there. Talk to your boyfriend... and if he doesn't get it, keep on talking to him. I think my husband got it when he SAW how it was wearing me down, even the fact that he wouldn't HEAR what I was telling him. 3. Reading helped me maintain my sanity... and not just reading fiction to evade the situation but reading up on step-children and step-mothers. Not sure if that would be your cup of tea, but places like this are REALLY helpful. You take what works for you and drop the rest... 4. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. If you are feeling good, I'm sure it'll be a lot easier to stay cool and collected... I can't stress how important this is! It's absolutely overwhelming to be in the position you (I, we...) are in; but have faith that due diligence things will get better. You have all my empathy......
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For some reason, I just can't shake this post. I've just seen so many bright, capable young women sign up for lives of drama and misery with only *miniscule* chances for happiness. There just seems to be something about the *hopeless cause* that brings out the *hopeless romantic* in even the most sensible young women. Sadly, I wasn't immune to this, and married a 'fixer-upper' myself the first time around. Sadly, I couldn't fix him up and he stayed broken and dysfunctional. And of course, my older son has a broken and dysfunctional father and I have a broken and dysfunctional Ex. But you haven't done that yet. And just because you said you would, doesn't mean you have to actually go through with it. Slow things down! Think about this: Mr. Wonderful, when faced with a choice between a raving lunatic who is dead-wrong and a reasonable an understanding mate who has vowed to support him -- this Mr. Wonderful chooses to placate the lunatic and disappoint the mate. Under what circumstances would this pattern change? Lunatic BioMom certainly won't change it -- SHE'S winning! Her craziness works very well for her. Maybe YOU could change it by turning into an even raving'er lunatic -- but do you want to do that? Because being reasonable sure isn't working for you... Mr. Wonderful may or may not be able to change it, but finding out will be painful, very painful, and require a lot of courage -- maybe more than he has. It is *possible* that by steadfastly NOT giving in to crazy tactics that eventually Dad can somehow teach BioMom that drama and craziness are not a good strategy for dealing with him. This is likely to take years, of course, and lots of courage. Find out if he has that kind of courage before you marry him. There's one other really important thing I've learned about marriage over the years. It's that choosing a spouse is a lot like picking teams in sports. You want to pick someone who will be a good teammate. Someone who plays well, and who has a well-developed sense of fairness and a similar degree of competitive spirit you have, whether that's a lot or a little. Someone who will respect your efforts and contributions, someone who will encourage and never belittle you. Someone who brings good things to the playing field -- a positive attitude, sense of humor, the right tools. Think back to grade school. Would you choose your hopelessly-uncoordinated best friend to be your main team mate for the rest of your entire life? Or would you tell her that you value your friendship too much to put it under this particular kind of strain? You can love this man and help him with his daughter without making him (and his Ex and her drama) your partners-for-life.
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This woman has mental issues, plain and simple. I think SHE is in dire need of therapy---not the rest of you! I am sorry your DD has this woman in her life. :( My SS has two sisters from his mom; they are 3 years old and 7 months old and they are his SISTERS. No matter that they do not share a father. He calls them his sisters and neither I nor DH would EVER dream of saying "Those are your half sisters." UGHHH. My DD is his STEPsister; but the two of them have been raised together since they were two. They call each other "my brother" or "my sister." DH and I would never correct them. They *know* they are technically step-siblings but the step has just never been part of their vocabulary. Thankfully, BM, for all her issues, does not seem to mind this. She has never corrected him in this regard. He refers to my family---like my dad, or my mom, or my grandparents----as his "grandma, grandpa, Oma, Opa," etc. The part about your DD's SM being obsessed with boy things creeps me out---it's like she somehow views boys as superior and therefore, that would mean your DD is inferior. The woman has ISSUES. She really does. Please bring all this up with your family counselor.
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mattie_gt
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
LOL! I think I told you all when DH and BM went in for the last CS mod; it's pretty straightforward in our state, DH's earnings + BM's earnings run through formula equals amount, which can vary up or down based on extreme extenuating circumstances like huge ongoing medical bills. The mediator said the amount, BM announced that she couldn't pay that, DH counteroffered a bit lower, BM returned with her counteroffer of .... nothing. She insisted that she shouldn't have to pay, she couldn't afford to pay a single penny, I should pay... it went in front of the next level judge that same day and she is now (supposed to be) paying, less that $200/month.

Shouldn't BM be looking for work on a daily basis rather than a weekly one?
parent_of_one
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I heard when you are out of job, you are supposed to conduct works search for the same amount of time as you would be working, so you have to spend 8 hours (or whatever type of job you are looking for) a day searching on the Internet, updating resume, mailing applications, attending job fairs, making phone calls etc etc daily, all day long
imamommy
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh PO1... you don't expect her to leave her farm on Farmville unattended for 8 hours... do you?

I am working on DH's "response" to her motion for child support modification.... and get this: SHE LISTED SD'S AGE AS 10! Yeah, she's missed so many birthday's she doesn't know how old she is???

And remember that I took SD's 'favorite' shoes because she doesn't take care of her things that "we" buy? Well, BM asked SD where her shoes were & when she found out I took them, she called & left a threatening message on DH's voice mail, telling him he'd better bring them to court on Wednesday. They go to court on her contempt charges for her not paying her half of the medical bills... I doubt the Judge is going to want to hear her whine about a pair of shoes! JEEZ!!! That woman is unbelievable!
incognitomom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I just love how deadbeat parents won't pay any support but then come up with money for other things!

My friend has 2 kids with her ex. He got so far behind in child support that she finally took him to court. He showed up with a lawyer (even though he could not afford child support). He ended up being tossed in jail and wouldn't you know his parents came up with his back child support to bail him out!

The whole time his parents were giving him money for a lawyer....might have been more productive to give him child support money??

Just wondering where sd's bm is coming up with all this gas money if she has no income??
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Exactly... On the gas money... And why wouldn't the grandparents (his parents) want to help pay to support the child rather than put the attorneys kids through college...
incognitomom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It is funny how non custodial parents can rationalize not paying child support. I have heard it all from people saying their ex will not spend the money on the kids to "I can't get a job!"

At one point my ex thought I should be putting all child support checks I get from him into a bank account for our son's college and not spending any of it! I was a single parent and I pointed out that his $80 a week did not even cover daycare! How was I supposed to come up with the money to pay for daycare, food, clothing, etc by myself without using his child support to help! When he would take our son on weekends he did not have to pay childcare or buy clothes (he always asked me to send clothes with!).

Now that our son is older and I do not have daycare expenses and I am remarried I am able to bank some of the child support money for ds. But when he wants expensive things like a week at summer camp, etc. I do take part of it from his bank.
myfampg
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I love how they like to tell us how to spend 'their' money.. 100% of my money goes to raising my kids. Home, transportation, food, childcare, clothing, school expenses, lunch at school, picture day, extra curricular activities, you name it. Rarely do I spend 'my' money on myself but I don't complain. Any entertainment for myself includes my children. I rarely get to go on a shopping spree of my own. I'm wearing10 yr old glasses bc I just can't justify the expense but not complaining... His 20% that he 'contributes' is 'too much' for him ... It just erks me.

When I was a kid, and my dad was paying child support for the few years that he actually paid it... He always made comments that he was paying for my mom's car or my mom's hair cuts or my mom's new clothes... But never did I hear him say, oh wow mom bought you new shoes AND wow mom is paying for your cheerleading or good for mom for paying for you to have glasses/braces/hair cut... It was always a complaint about what mom seemed to have. It still makes me mad.

New SD mama drama ~ L.M.A.O.

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myfampg

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New SD mama drama ~ L.M.A.O.

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myfampg

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