gal meeting and conversations with bm

14 years ago

DH and I met with the GAL earlier this week. I was a bit hesitant to go but DH's attorney said it was really important we both be there and show a united front. Plus, since I was the main "witness" to the incident, I needed to tell the GAL firsthand what happened.

So I guess the GAL had already spoken with BM and, of course, she is taking the stance that she was NOT trying to drive with her son. Her story is that she was trying to leave and he was upset and wanted to go with her and got in the car and wouldn't get out.

Thankfully, we have the police report backing up that BM was intoxicated, trying to leave with her son and that she was removed from our property and taken to the station, and that SS was left with me. This is all good for us.

The GAL unfortunately did tell us what our attorney had prepped us for---that with this one incident, DH is just not going to get full custody. He highly recomended "hotlining" BM to CPS if anything occurs in the future. He said when there is an existing custody order, the judges hands are kind of tied, but that CPS/DFS can usually get in and do things in a quicker manner. So that was good to know.

He also asked what DH would like to see happen. DH said he would like to see BM in some sort of treatment program.

The GAL really didn't give us any indication of what he thought or felt. Those guys are usually pretty neutral and hard to read, IMO.

Anyway, per our attorney's advice, DH called BM and spoke with her about entering a program. The tentative plan was for our attorney and her attorney to talk, and then have BM agree to enter some sort of out-patient program, maybe one the GAL can refer. Anyway, DH was confident that BM would agree to anything.

WRONG. She told him absolutely not. She said that she is "fine now" because she is on a new medication for depression. She said she does not have a problem with drinking anymore because she only drank because she was depressed, and now that she is not depressed anymore, she's fine.

OMG. Actually, I had pretty much predicted that dead on. I told DH "I will bet you $$$ she doesn't think she needs any kind of treatment."

The thing is--she has had problems with alcohol ever sicne DH has known her---for going on 10 years. In the 5 years I'VE been around, I've seen her drinking get worse, and worse. I've seen her get fired from two jobs, one of which was at her AUNT'S company, and her AUNT had to fire her---because she was hungover all the time and calling in sick. I've had her call me bawling from a bar because she and her DH were fighting, or because she didn't want to have her baby or whatever. She got 1 DWI 3 years ago and blew SO HIGH on the breathalyzer that as part of her sentence, she had to go to a lock-down weekend at a hotel and spend 48 hrs in alcohol awareness classes. I've seen her show up at DH's house (before we were married) drunk in the middle of the night---and pound on the window, on at least 4-5 occasions. On and on and on. I NEVER would have thought she would drink while pregnant---yet she did that the whole time she was PG with her daughter. I NEVER thought she would attempt to drive with her son while drunk---yet she did that.

But now she is "all better."

The annoying thing is--my DH seems to kind of believe her.

honestly--it's not that I WANT her to be an alcoholic or be sick. For SS's sake, it is the best thing if she gets her life under control. I just don't believe that an alcoholic can cure everything with a pill.

JMO.

So...we press on in court and hope and pray the GAL and judge recognize the problem here.

Comments (8)

weed30 St. Louis
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
From my personal experience as well as documented facts, it takes 4 - 6 weeks for medication for depression to take effect. Aside from that, she has an alcohol addiction, which as far as I know, will not be cured by anti depressives.
finedreams
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
anti depressants could be a good beginning but certainly is not enough to quit. well, keep documenting what she says and does. and if she ever calls drunk or any of that.
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"if it weren't for me, DH and BM would have had very little contact over the years. I do have to take responsibility for that." That actually wasn't my point, I don't think there is anyway to tell (how much contact anyway) would have happened or not....which is my point. They weren't given a chance to establish a coparenting relationship on their own and make it a stable one before introducing more characters. I think there is no way possible to tell how it would have ended up. I look at when my ex and I separated and if anyone had made a judgement on how we coparent even a year after separation --- they would have been very, very wrong. I know we talked about it on another post, but even 14 years ago there wasn't very many good resources on blending families. Counselors, in my experience, varied wildly and even now, I think most are pretty uninformed about stepfamily issues. And yeah, we went to family counseling when I was a child and it mostly made issues worse. Most (again ime) go with the popular thoughts of every child wants a family, so stepparents act like parents etc. The problem I see with that advice given to you is that it only works if the BM is on board with it. And you can't make her include you in every single little thing. It also makes it sound like she was the OW that had a child with your husband and you need to protect your marriage at all costs from a threat, not an ex wife that divorced your husband for a reason. To me, dropping off a picture at work is small potatoes -- so she sounds fairly normal. Now if she was insisting on holidays spent with DH without you, you got a big problem and there would be a need to treat this like a bigger issue. And on the flip side, I'm sure there are issues that she would've liked to resolve differently that happened. I also can't imagine many BM's going along with include new SM in everything in saying that, it sounds to me that she is more on the reasonable side than most after a divorce. With my BM hat on, I'd think it was just downright strange. I didn't have a kid with SM, I don't really care what they set up for their marriage, its their business! Not mine. Whatever they want to do in their home, great, why are you insisting I act your way though? When people get married they dont start going to work for each other or calling their bosses about important work details, why any different for ex's? Its like when wives say they write their husbands emails for them, I can't wrap my head around it. Why? So if they are a horrible writer, why not give them the tools to become a better one? (I should take my own advice here lol) Instead of doing their homework for them?
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She doesn't have a "drinking problem", she's an alcoholic. Call it what it is. Imagining that there's anything you can do to get a practicing alcoholic to be a responsible parent is the problem here. Trying to appeal to her, reason with her, getting angry, or imagining that she can somehow "improve" and control her drinking is absurd. The only way an alcoholic can "improve" is if they stop drinking completely. Your husband shouldn't be indulging her drunken rants and pity trips--he should tell her to call him when she's sober and hang up the phone. Anything other than zero tolerance is enabling her to continue drinking. Alcoholics don't stop drinking on their own , and they don't do it for the sake of their children, or anyone else. An alcoholic only stops drinking when they get "sick and tired, of being sick and tired." Doesn't sound like she's anywhere near that point. You need give up on the silly notion that there's anything you can do to "help" her, and start documenting everything so you'll have a paper trail to try to get the children removed from her custody. If you really want to do something that might actually be beneficial, I highly recommend finding a local chapter of Alanon, and attending some of their meetings. Alanon is a support group for families of alcoholics that is associated with, and has adopted the principles of AA (alcoholics anonymous), in offering help and hope to those effected by alcoholics to find ways to resolve problems and obtain a better quality of life, regardless of whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not. If you can convince your husband to join you, that would be great, if not, go alone. They can offer all kinds of helpful tips, hints, and methods that have successfully worked for them and others, including advice on winning custody battles to remove children from continuing to be harmed by an alcoholic. They also have support groups for children of alcoholics, Alateen and Alatot, where your stepchildren can learn they're not alone, and provide them with a peer group to vent to and help them with the difficult challenges of dealing with the abuse and stigma of having an alcoholic parent. My husband was a practicing alcoholic, who went into rehab when he met me, and has been "clean and sober" ever since--going on 25 years now. I started attending Alanon while he was in rehab and felt it was the best therapy I ever received--and it's free! Best of luck!
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imamommy
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Step 1: Admitting you have a problem.

She hasn't even reached step 1, she's in denial. The court will recognize that and so should the GAL.

Either way, she's being set up to be monitored because if she is caught in another situation, then another... each time it gets easier for the court to sway in DH's favor. Be patient.
mom2emall
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well one of 2 things will happen. Either she will miraculously recover from her alcohol addiction and will now be a good mom.

Or she will continue to get drunk and repeat this behavior and it will all be documented and eventually she will be forced to get help.

Be patient. I know...easier said than done.
nikemama
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This is where the fun starts... Nothing like some GOOD psychiatric drugs and booze to get the custody fight started. Tongue in cheek.

As bad as it would tick you off, you have to realize that DH lived with this woman at some point. Even with them not being together now, he has a Codependent relationship with her. Forgiving her for hitting you, not understanding why you don't want to go to school function with her, thinking well maybe she is okay. There must be some good books you could look into. You don't understand your DH's way of thinking because your not codependent.

I was for my Ex for 13 LONG years. I was able to stop when I started living by this song, silly as it may sound. My Give A D**n's Busted. When he would start in, That song would play in my head...lol. The link below is the lyrics to the song. Read it if you don't know the song and see if it don't fit.

Anyway as long as you and DH don't give in your out come will be for the greater good of your SS. Her attitude with the Judge, GAL and her lawyer will have a lot to do with the outcome. I wish you the best.

http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=gkPq085gEBg%3D
strawberryl
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY in hell that the anti-depressants have had any effect at this point. Perhaps the placebo effect, but no true effect.

She is an alcoholic. Period. Anyone who would regularly drink alcohol while pregnant is an alcoholic. Period.

Sit back, give her enough rope to hang herself.
sweeby
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"As bad as it would tick you off, you have to realize that DH lived with this woman at some point. Even with them not being together now, he has a Codependent relationship with her. Forgiving her for hitting you, not understanding why you don't want to go to school function with her, thinking well maybe she is okay. There must be some good books you could look into. You don't understand your DH's way of thinking because your not codependent. "

Wise words, Nikemamma.
Does this hit home for you Hadley?

And those song lyrics are priceless!
lovehadley
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"You don't understand your DH's way of thinking because your not codependent."

Actually, I totally do. I had just not thought of that before. My mom is a (recovering) alcoholic. She has been sober for what will be 8 years this fall. I definitely had (and still do, to some extent) a codependant relationship with her. After my parents' divorce, it frustrated my dad to no end to see me "go back" to my mom time and time again, only to have her relapse and let me down. My mom is the kindest person but when she was drunk, occasionally, a mean streak would come out, and she would lash out with hurtful things. When I was pregnant with my DD she called me a slut. :( You have to know my mom to fully understand how crazy that is--she has such a kind, gentle spirit, the worst curse word I've ever heard her say is d*mn. She is very spiritual, quiet, a bookworm, etc. One time when I was about 12, she was drunk and my brother, who was 8, wanted a snack. My dad was at a baseball game, not knowing that my mom had been drinking--this was very early on in the course of her disease. I made my little brother some pudding and my mom staggered downstairs and flipped out for some unknown reason. She threw the pudding bowl across the kitchen, shattering it, and pudding went everywhjere. She slapped my face a bunch of times and shoved me out the backdoor and locked me out of the house. AUUGHH. It is hard to even think about this memory today. :( I was HYSTERICAL. I ran to the neighbors but no one was home. I remember sitting outside sobbing for what seemed like hours waiting for my dad to come home. My little brother came out at one point and said she had gone upstairs and fallen "asleep" and that I chould come back in. I didn't, I waited for my dad outside. I still remember my dad just hugging me and rocking me when he got home. He was FURIOUS. Took me and my brother to a hotel, and actually filed for divorce. My mom checked into rehab---her first stint--and was able to not drink for about 3-4 months. My dad at that point started going to Al-Anon and this is really when the cycle began. They did not divorce until I was 18, and she did not get sober until I was 21 years old. I am now 28.

ANYWAY--my point is, I would continually let myself back in and I'd hope she had changed, and then she would drink again, and it would just be hurtful. Even when she wasn't mean, it was still awful when she would drink because she'd be out of commission for days, even weeks, at a time, and she would miss events, etc. It makes me sad to type this today. She missed my junior and senior proms because she was in rehab for both of them. Missed my May Day senior year--a BIG deal at school. Came to my graduation, but she was fresh out of rehab, and I had not seen her for about 4-5 months. I remember being happy that she was there, but just not trusting her sobriety at all, and feeling very detached from the whole situation. On my 19th birthday, I knew she had been drinking all summer long, and I hadn't really seen much of her; but still, I went over to her house for dinner, and she was drunk and all the food was burned. It was AWFUL. She had made a favorite meal of mine, and it just broke my heart to see her alone in her house, drunk, lonely and sad--but still trying to be a mom in some way. :( I will NEVER get that memory out of my head. :( I can almost feel how sad and depressed and lost she was.

She is doing so well now, though. Still goes to AA meetings several times a week, works a program, and really has just changed her life. She has made ammends to everyone, even my dad. She is remarried and is a GREAT grandma to my DD. She told me when she made ammends to me a few yrs ago that she could not undo all the hurt her drinking caused our family, but that she could somehow repay that by being a wonderful grandma. And she IS.

I think sometimes it is extra hard for me to see how BM is, and to see DH semi-believing her and giving her chance after chance after chance. I know how hurtful it is to grow up with an alcoholic parent and to see SS going through the same thing is really painful. It makes it even worse to not be able to really do anything about it.

gal meeting and conversations with bm

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weed30 St. Louis

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gal meeting and conversations with bm

Comments (8)

weed30 St. Louis

finedreams

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imamommy

mom2emall

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strawberryl

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lovehadleyOriginal Author

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