Yes Britbrit, things at BMs house are much worse than we suspected. I suppose that, prior to now, this craziness didnt spring forth since my SD didnt spend enough time here. But now that shes been living with us full time for -- what -- 2 months now, these things are slowly coming to light. Lazygardens, good question! Top 10 Rules at our House: 1) Be nice, be polite. 2) We will all be respectful and supportive of each other. 3) If you use it, put it back. If you dirty it, clean it. 4) Use your brain! Think! Assert your individuality! 5) If you have a problem or a question, speak up. Anything can be openly discussed. If it appears that something is on your mind, you will be asked about it. 6) Everyone has the right to retreat to their private sanctuary (aka bedroom) without being disturbed. 7) Knock before entering. ALWAYS! 8) Everyone has the right to their own opinion or ideas without being criticized (well, if its really funny maybe well all share a hearty laugh over it). 9) Laughter is a good thing. Jokes welcome anytime. Play, have fun! 10) Remember your manners. (Ok, its fine to get gross now and then for a giggle, but always mind your manners when in public). Say please and thank you. Hmmm its hard to squeeze an entire lifestyle and philosophy into 10 simple rules! :-) Oh -- and I almost forgot my favorite .. passed down thru the generations ... and never fails to get a smile from the kids ... 'YOU'RE BIG AND UGLY ENOUGH TO DO IT YOURSELF' ...

thanks everyone for the replies. yeap poor everybody. nope she never apologizes for anything. Ima, you nailed it. family is not and never was a priority for neither BM nor her family. the thing is that according to both DDs and SO (whom i do believe now because I always thought they exagerrated) when BM didn't drink, she still ruined every occassion and always stirred something. so it is not as much drinking. she also always picked a fight wiht SO's family, some of SO's cousins wanted to come to the wedding but didn't because they were scared of BM starting a commotion. She did not talk to most of SO's family for one reason or the other. Unless his family are very skillfull actors, they seem nice and I do get along wiht them, they all very easy going and very family focused, which she is NOT. after I observed her for the past week i do understand all her crazy phone calls, emails and why DDs don't want to go to her house and if they do why they come back in tears and red faces. it also seemed strange that this woman was the one who left SO (and younger DD who was still a minor) for this man. I can't even describe how he looks and how he behaves. ima, DD27 was almost estranged for awhile not talking to BM because of how mom left dad (she moved everything out of the house -furniture dishes everything while SO and younger DD-still a minor were out of town), she moved all her and family stuff into apartmnent that she secretly rented with that drunk BF. she didn't say anything to anyone so when SO and his younger DD came home house was empty, mom and everything besides bedrooms is gone. later she left voice mails to both DDs that she moved out and now lives at such and such address wiht TOM. after divorce though she bought a house where she lives wiht this "classy" guy.

Thank you for your response. Like I said, we aren't befriending the ex-stepfather by any means. My main concern is that they maintain a relationship with their sibling whom he is the father (and it looks like the child will be living with him full time) and then, obviously new boyfriend that has already begun to stay overnight while the children are there. She just told them that the man she made them call dad for so many years is a lying, cheating, druggie and that they are getting divorces. now she has already brought a new man into their lives. A man that she just met. How are we supposed to talk to them about this when they bring it up? There isn't much nice to say. I realize that ideally we just keep our kids away from her. that isn't always an option. I guess I should have made that more clear. We try to never meet her alone and we try to always have someone else watch our children. sometimes we don't have a lot of options though. Sometimes, he has to meet her before I get home from work. Sometimes, there is no one else available to watch our children. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had any other experience with this.

I guess I'm still not explaining the situation quite right... We would definitely never purposely schedule something on BM's weekends. I do completely understand that BM has limited time with SD. However, for example... SD is involved in volleyball. This is a 3 month activity. It just happened that 1 game fell on BM's weekend. BM threw a fit and went on an on about not "scheduling" things on her weekend (???? how did WE schedule it on HER weekend???). She refused to come to WI for the visit that 1 weekend, watch the game for an hour, and then have SD for the rest of the weekend. She was notified about this 1 month in advance, so plenty of time to plan ahead. SD is part of a team, and therefore is expected to be at all of the games. We had to explain the situation to the coach, who was luckily understanding and allowed her to miss the game. Other instances include things like daughter being in 4H. This is a year-long activity. The county fair is when a child gets recognition for programs, projects, and animals they have been working with all year. BM has an absolute fit every year because the fair tends to fall on her weekend.... again, stating DH cannot schedule things on HER weekend???? These are things that are ongoing and that we have no control over. SD is in band; every year there is a solo and ensembles competition... sometimes it falls on BM's weekend. This would be something that SD has worked on for 6 months!!!! These are just a few examples of the kinds of things that we cannot control the scheduling of, SD has worked on for months and months.... and it just happens that they might fall on BM's weekend here and there. Instead of being proud of SD and finding this as an opportunity to use to see SD accomplishments and be there for some of these events, she makes a big deal out of it, and even made SD miss her volleyball game because she would not switch the weekend OR come to watch the game and then take SD afterwards. It is just frustrating because I also have an X, although he is very willing to work around kids' schedules. To him, it doesn't matter when they come, just that they come... As he says, it is the same amount of time either way. We have tried to explain this to BM, but she just doesn't get it. Why must it be so difficult to allow your children to be involved in good, wholesome activities as teenagers? No one has ever asked BM to GIVE UP any of her time, just occasionally rearrange it or even come and watch and participate in SD's activities, in fact has been invited to come for a visit on DH's weekend, just to include her in SD's activities. I really believe it comes down to an issue of power.... She believes that she must have all control over everything that happens on HER weekends, no matter what!