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drained stepmom pt2

Posted by MrsProffit25 (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 15, 11 at 19:39

Hello again everyone... Just nervous so thought id start a post... monday is court to make things perm. But im very worried of the changes to come. I wonder if she will be awarded more time. Why if she works on the weekends??? I hate knowing she will sleep on a floor if she gets overnights. I wonder - is it normal for a judge to jump from 6 hours a week visitation to overnights?? She doesnt even have a car if there was an emergency and she needed to go see a dr... I hate this feeling...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Yes it's normal. Kind of. Let me explain. My ex was on supervised visits for 2 solid years and then we started a step up program. 4 hrs for two days two weekend next two weekends - 24 hrs (12-12) over nights. Second month - Thursday - Monday morning - 1st 3rd 5th weekend ... Talk about fast. Wow! It went so fast. and that's permanent.... For now...

Good luck. Remember what I told you - only worry about what you can control. You find out she's in poor conditions, you go back to court... Be sure to not show your anxiety in front of SD because she will be anxious and that will be hard for her. Be supportive and show her how to be strong. Maybe mom has changed? Maybe..


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Hey! Ya know i want to say that she has changed because she has not shown her anger with sd. but then again she has nothing but i guess it doesnt matter to the court. I swear it shoud be law that once you lose your child you must prove you can maintain and support your child even if its for the 2 days a week. In safe and stable living environment. My SD will live in such a different living environment there and i can only hope she will not view that as normal. I have such high hopes for my children including my SD. I have heard such horror stories lol yes i know i cant control it but that doesnt mean i can just flip that "worry"switch off...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Oh I know girl! My dd is with BD this weekend and I am trying to keep myself busy.. Even DH has said three times today, I miss her...

Do you have an attorney? Have they suggested a home study? Is it too late? We did not ask for a home study in our case bc ExDh actually lives in a nice home and I'm confident that it's a clean, safe environment. Dd says they have to take their shoes off at the door to keep the floors from getting dirty so that makes me feel comfortable knowing that she is in a clean home. She says it's very clean and in sure it is true. When DH and I decided to move in together we discussed our options and what our future plans were. We plan to buy a house after we get our legal fees paid off. But it's going to be a while. We wanted to rent a place that would be 'cheap' enough so that we could throw more money at the legal debt but we knew we didnt want to sacrifice our safety and didn't want the kids living in a run down place. We threw around the idea that for $800 less a month we could rent in our same community a two bedroom instead of a four bedroom. Dd and Ds could share a room since DS was a baby... I ran it by my attorney and he said no, DD had to have her own room. And since they are not of the same sex, they could not share a room even though Ds was a baby. So in order to please the court we had to go for the four bedroom (3 wasn't an option) and we have to pay more unfortunately. A stipulation of the court was that DD had to have her own room and a bed at exDhs before he could start the overnight visits. The court was satisfied with proof they own a 4 bedroom home and pictures of dd's room -- so maybe... You could ask for proof that SD has a bed and a room at BMs or NO overnight visits. Your DH is in control here since he has custody... So use your control and demand proof of that. See if it works??


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I think small place and sharing a room is not a big deal at all, I understand it is for courts but i think it is bizarre. we grew up 7 people in two bedroom tiny apartment and we are all successful people. I used to share a room with my brother and there is nothing wrong with us.

My DD used to share a room with her younger brother at her dads and it never bothered me. My ex's house is clean and comfortable and ex is well off but he had a small house in expensive area, it never bothered me. it is ridiculous that courts made you to rent expensive place for no reason.

also cleanliness is a relative concept, I know plenty of very successful professional good reliable people whose houses is very far from clean.

like myfampg's ex has clean house yet he is a jerk. I love my house clean but my brother's house is not spotless yet they raise their kids very well.

I think courts look at wrong things.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I've had guardianship of DGS2 since he was 9 months old. He's been with me 24/7 for over a year & today is his very first overnight visit with DIL, who has a history of being unstable. She has been living with her gransparents, going to school & just finished a parenting class... so I agreed to try an overnight.

When we were in court on a contested custody case for SD four years ago, DH brought up that BM was living with grandma in a 2 bedroom house & sharing her room with both DD's. His concern was not the tight living quarters, but that BM's out of town boyfriend would come visit & spend the night while her DD's were there. SD was acting out in an inappropriate sexual manner & described seeing stuff when mom's BF was there. The judge basically downplayed it, saying he grew up with poor parents that lived in a store room at the back of the small grocery his parents own... all in one room. So, he didn't think it was a big deal for them to share a room at all. The courts generally want parents & children to have a relationship unless you can prove that the relationship would be detrimental to the child. They care less about space, furnishings, or who has a nicer house, etc. than they care about the child having a relationship. If it's messy, or in any way "dangerous" for the child, the court might order them to clean up or make it safe.. and then assume the parent will. You pretty much have an uphill battle trying to prove a dangerous environment unless they get caught by an outside agency.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

All courts are different which is why I suggested it. I do agree about some don't care about that because when ex took me to court to begin with he brought up that I was living with my parents and he had a home of his own.. I've already posted this once but want to use it as an example. The judge didn't care about his huge house or that I was livivmg with my parents. In fact she said I would rather a child live with mom and two grandparents than one single parent who has no help.. Bc he had already brought up where I was living, my attorney didn't want him coming back and saying dd was sharing a room with another child where he could provide her own room. And yes, they actually do care about that in my area. It was ordered that she have her own room at his house and not share with step sister... But all courts are different. It's worth a try for OP because she said Sd often slept on the floor ... They would rather a child sleep on the bed or a couch while the parent took the floor.. I argued that dd had told me that she was sleeping on the floor at ExDh's house because he didn't have a bed. He argued that I took the bed when we moved out so he could not afford to buy a new one. Judge told him to sleep on the floor ...

Just an idea. Run it by your attorney


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I would be tempted (if it looks as if overnight is going to be allowed) to request that it be under certain conditions 1) that SD sleep in the bedroom with Mom if Mom is unattached (no boyfriend/live-in) and that a bed strictly for SD is present. No sleeping out in livingroom floor with anyone (especially not visitors or other adult roommates). 2) I would provide the single frame and mattress for SD and that it is to be used only by SD and to be used only during the times that SD is staying overnight).

I would also want to be assured that there is food in house for SD for breakfast/lunch/dinner. I would go so far as to agree to provide a sack of groceries during overnight and work with BM that sack contains foods BM can cook.

I'd rather provide bed at my expense and purchase food for meals that BM and SD can share and feel assured that basic items like a bed (blankets, sheets) and sufficient food are possible than spend the weekend overnight worrying about SD being not fed or sleeping on floor with who knows who.

I realize one should not have to do this, but if Judge rules child can and will spend the overnight, I'd want to do what I could to be sure the visit went well.

If you have reason to believe that SD will be mistreated and/or abused and the home is truly unsafe for child, those are one thing of serious concern...but a mother who desires safe interaction with her child but is living poverty level should not be denied a vistation merely because she can't provide all the identical (and sometimes unecessary) perks that the other parent is and can provide.

Don't get me wrong, drugs, drunks, partying and the like should not be in home...should be DCFS investigated if there is doubt. Unhealthy dangerous conditions in home should not be acceptable ...but something as fixable as providing a bed and food should be something that can be worked out. I've not read all the posting on the back story on this one (except BM poofed a while and actually signed a waive of rights at one point...too bad the letter was not done legally and binding).


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Just me too those are great ideas! Especially helping to provide. I used to pack snacks and other little foods for dd when I knew that BD was single and having a hard time figuring out what to do. I even packed some pop corn and a can of raviolis. So even though it shouldn't be our 'job' to provide all of this, it can help with the worry so long as it doesn't cause friction -- bd was grateful for such things back then and she is my child so I didn't mind making sure she didnt go without.

What about a clause stating that no overnight guests of the opposite sex. We had this in our order very early on. Guests had to leave at 10pm if it was of the opposite sex meaning boyfriend or girlfriend for bd and I.

Will there be any follow up hearings to see how things are going? We had many follow ups and we also had therapists that closely watched the progress.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

As far as a home study - it was ordered 3 years ago.... But was never done because they said funds are to low so it was just brushed off... she has a b/f who lives with her so sd cant sleep on the floor with them. Greatgramma lives there too and i dont think she would want to sleep w/sd bm other daughter is in a toddler bed so i dont think that would work and then aunt (convicted drug offender , so is b/f) sleepson a blow up matress in the living room. SD says she would sleep with her and i totally do not like that idea. But then again Im not there to stop it. I just dont understand how a mom could be so careless. Its not like she cant afford a bed i mean she is 6 but so very petite she could fit on a toddler matress... bm has nice shoes , purses and sunglasses... PROVIDE A DANG BED.. it kills me... i know i complain about my situation over and over but i just cant comprehend it... I emailed my attorny and asked if there is a way to ask for proof of a place for sd to sleep if she is awarded overnights and all she said was "thats my job" i cant tell if she is good or not lol cause she wasnt even allowed to plead our case last hearing. I looked her up on google and other attorneys have filed motions against her for being verbally abusive in te court room... We shall see tomorrow....


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Lol my attorney is an a$$. Very cocky. Drives me nuts sometimes. He says things that I just never understand. He always tells me you have to trust me and sometimes I just want to wring his neck BUT we have never lost. He always pulls thru. He is a shark!! So see how it goes! I wish you the very best of luck!! Hopefully you will get like a step up plan where it's not three nights in a row but one for a while. And then see how it goes. How does DH feel about everything?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Mrs. P, how do the two days (three hour each) vistations go between BM and her daughter? Not way back when, but since BM reappeared and started having her 6 hours recently.

Is SD always ready and willing, even looking forward to visit? Is she fine and happy enough when she gets home? Ever any sign that the visits don't go well or that the SD is in any actual danger or of threat of being? SD ever mention what she and BM (and/or the other members of houeshold) do during their three hours.

You invited BM to the zoo and were considering inviting BM to SD's birthday party...why? I'm just asking because you seem to believe that SD spending more time (being exposed to) her BM is a bad thing, yet you were encouraging just that (more time).


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I was trying in a sense to be friendly with bm.. sd is always happy to see her mom.. I mean i would be too if my mom promised me a phone and a computer like she did today. my sd is 6yrs old and she should pitch in for clothes not a phone.. i wouldnt allow her to have it here. its rediculous. she says that she cant tell me what goes on there. she is very secretive about it. but then again she also liked going there when she came home with finger marks around her arm... and was eager to go back.. today bm told sd she wanted to name her alexis so now sd is mad at dh for naming her what her name is... Its only been a yr since bm has seemed to tone it down a bit. still calls dh f*g , dead beat dad , sperm donor and loser. I figured i was doing what was best plus i really wanted to take sd to the fair and it was the only way. I wont sit here and say i feel like my sd will get beat there. I do believe there are drugs in the home. I dont believe it is a stable envirnment. BM tells sd so many negative things about dh and i. Like now we are the bad/mean ones because i told SD if mom gives you a phone dont bring it home.. I was not allowed to have one and dont believe she needs one at 6... I am worried of her behavior when she gets back if she sleeps there over the weekends. There is no discipline there so how will she handle the transition. DH like i said is in denial he doesnt believe the judge will just hand sd over to a woman who shows she doesnt really want her.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Mrs. P, don't play into it. Sure it's a bit ridiculous to discuss a cell and personal computer for a six yr old...but why spend the evening 'fighting' over it. Think of it as the princess bedroom. Sure maybe someday BM will actually buy SD a cell/computer...but until that happens aka if that ever happens, don't make an issue out of it. You just took BM's red flag and charged right at it.

Some of this depends on how Dad/you react to it. So after SD's three hour visitation with BM, BM sends child home to stir you up...it worked, didn't it! The night before the hearing you're all worked up and seeing red because someday MAYBE a cell phone will materialize.

Yep, child hears she might have been named something else. Happens to think that might be a cool name. Don't play into it. Dad just needs to reassure child that the name she was given is a beautiful name chosen just for her and it's her special name. Yes, Alexis is a very pretty name, yes when SD grows up and can legally change her name if she still thinks Alexis is better, by all means she can change it. In the mean time, _______ is the name given to her and it's special because __________ (fill in the blank).

Same with 'deadbeat daddy'. Terms SD really does not comprehend. Dad needs to sit down with SD and assure her that Daddy loves her very much, he takes care of her and sees that she is happy and warm and fed and blah blah blah. Maybe he needs to have you back off a bit and stop playing both roles. If he is spending time to her, helping with homework, reading bedtime story and similar types of interaction the daughter is going to see and feel that Daddy thinks she is his very special little girl that means very much to him.

Think about it. Deadbeat daddy and sperm donor are not even realistic...the girl lives 24/7 with her father. If Dad is not actually playing father, but allowing someone else (you) to do not only all the mommy things but also all the daddy things, the child might actually begin to believe there's some truth to Daddy being a worthless jerk. It's up to Dad to reassure child she is indeed special and worthy of his time and attention. Actions and displays of reality are going to 'hit' harder in the longterm than any untrue words BM might feed her. At six I doubt Sd even knows what 'sperm donor' means let alone in the way BM is intending the barb to affect the child. Bm might as well be announcing 'Daddy is a nose-picker' to child.

I find it interesting that child is not suppose to talk about her BM 6 hours at BM's house yet runs right home to tell you/Dad everything said during the vistation. If she'll tell you/Dad all the 'bad things' said during visit why does she feel a need (or loyalty) to not tell you also the things done and how time was spent? It almost appears child is deliberately sent home to repeat bad things just to stir the already heated hornet's nest. Why would BM say 'don't tell Dad we did this but please do tell him I said this?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

If BM calls dad all kind of names in front of a 6-year-old then I wonder if dad needs to talk to a lawyer about it. If DD came home saying that dad called me names, I would be in attorney office. Is it even allowed?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Exactly, PO1. Where I was going with my post is the selective things that are being repeated. BM wants Dad/OP to know exactly what she is saying to this child (stirring the pot). What kind of mother informs a child that dad is a sperm donor/deadbeat when in fact it is BM who signed off on child? This BM is playing games. I doubt even if addressed via court that very little word BM utters can be verified (unless BM confesses to a judge). Should it be addressed? Absolutely. Can they spank her hand and tell her no-no? Sure they could, but only to a point. While they can lecture her on it, write it up against her and warn her...without a confession and/or a tape recording (which would be illegal without her acknowledge) , it all pretty much boils down to he said/she said.

BM is hoping to make Dad/OP blow sky high. She's also hoping to poison the child against her father. Who knows why. Being the selectiveness in what is 'allowed' to repeat to Daddy and what is not, I tend to think BM is manipulating deliberate chaos with a goal behind the means.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I think it could be verified since the child is the one who comes home and says "that's what mommy says" or even "that's what mommy wants me to repeat to you". I understand that children say a lot of things, but if that's what child brings home from every visit, i believe child should be able to testify. If mom was originally denied custody and visitations, and now is barely allowed to see her child then I think attorney/mediator/therapist would be interested to know what's going on. I don't know how it works, but from I am hearing from others therapist would listen and ask what's going on in other parent's house.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

OK. Last year it was brought about the thinks BM says to SD. They called it Alienation. She got a slap on the wrist told dont it ands thats it. SD always comes home and says MY MOMMY SAID -OH NEVERMIND I FORGOT.... She wants to tell and i usually leave it alone and she will spill it out later during the week. She told me her mom failed kindergarden - so i asked BM because right now SD is failing. SD got very upset NOW MOMMY WILL BE MAD AT ME FOR TELLING YOU... I just told her no its ok. secrets are not nice and you are not in trouble. I mean there was a point when she was told to not even call him daddy. For 2 weeks she referred to him as Nicky's Boyfriend... She wants SD to be mad with us - make it our fault SD can only see BM for 6 hrs a week. On another note - just got home from court. Im as pleased as can be I guess. BM wanted every weekend sat 5pm to sun 8pm. Every tue after school and keep her untill wed before school. ok?... she lives like 30 min from the school with no car. we said how will she get to school and she said bus ok well what time would you be waking her up she said 6am... DH didnt like that at all. we also wanted some weekends with her and recieved every other sat. so how it goes is every other sat she goes from 5pm to sun 7pm. every tue after school untill 7pm. then everyother sun 8am-7pm so we still get everyother sat which is DH only day off. We had it put in the court order that BMF (moms BD) can not be around SD. He is a sex offender. Boy did she get upset. "HE IS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE , HE HAS CHANGED , THE COURTS MADE A MISTAKE" well if they made a mistake how did he change? So if he comes over DH or I must attend the visit. I said to her - HE USED TO SMELL YOUR UNDERWEAR she said No that was my uncle mark! OK THE GUY YOU LIVED WITH A YEAR AGO?!?!I was just in shock how she is ok with these people not only around my SD but her toddler as well. So he was also noted in order to never be around SD. She has 6wks to evict her aunt from the home because she is drug user. She finally told the truth that she does not a liscense and wont own a car for several years. She says she does not have a bed but SD can sleep on her daughters toddler matress and toddler will sleep on the floor with BM... DH and I are ok - we dont think it will last. She has been told to get new phone service since she faught so hard for daily phone calls and now does not call blaming her reception. She has been told to get her internet turned back on since she faught so hard for daily emails and now has no internet. We return to court June 3rd this is a trial run i guess. Oh Also In the court order it stated that I can check her house anytime i want. We shall see... already she cant get SD from school tomorrow cause she works....


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

OMG, drugs and a sex offender!?!

Yeah, PAS. It can be hard to prove and usually the first 'offense' brought to attention is a small smack. Did you manage to get it in the ruling that BM should not speak negative? Have you tried some counseling for daughter to deal with this? The courts and counseling/theraphy can only do so much, the Dad has got to never give up on the child (no matter what BS BM feeds her) and never stop trying to show in his own words and actions that he loves this little girl.

It does sound as if your lawyer did ok in court...it might have been even more time. As you said at least it is trial basis and it appears it is already not working for BM. Is this where BM expects all to get out the 'pity party' tissues and cry her a river she has to dump the sex offender and drug user?

Be postive. Don't let SD know all the stress and worry that these overnights are going to cause Dad/you. Keep alert and watch for any and all signs of 'trouble' and document document document.

It's going to be hard. You're going to naturally be fearful...don't 'lose it' no matter what. If lady can push your buttons she will. If she fails to follow all orders call your lawyer immediately. I sincerely pray your little one has a safe vistation. Any hint the sex offender is anywhere near your daughter, sound all alarms pronto.

Myfampg can tell you about all the times her ex cancels out the time he fought so hard to obtain. Makes one wonder why they fight so hard in court when in reality it really seems not to be what they actually want. At times, makes one wonder if it isn't all about 'sticking it to you/the ex than it is about the child or what's in best interest of child.

'He has changed' (shudder shudder) What the *ell is wrong with this BM's thinking?


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I know.. Its sick.. My attorney says after this trial run if aunt is still in the home she will mention BM lack of concern for childs well being and who is around child when she is with BM... Attorney says we have to give her the opportunity. Enough rope to either prove herself of hang herself. BM just called me again yes me not DH to ask for a weekend switch. she is planning SD bday party on sat - a sat that is not her day it is ours. First i was like ok let me talk to DH.. But then ya know if we switch then DH has to take off work so we can throw her bday on sunday... I told her no... plus tue is her weekday with SD and tue is her actual bday... so she can deal with it. I dont know if i mentioned before when we were discussing how i feel i need to out due BM to show SD we care - well BM has been going on and on about she is getting a bounce house for SD and popcorn machine for her bday... ya she just told me she changed her mind to just a pool party.. which is fine SD loves to swim but i should have known it was just BS... I wil deff keep my eyes peeled and will totally use our right to check her house!


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document cancellations and requests to switch, write down each date and reason, it will come handy in court.

drugs and sex-offenders, sniffing underwear, nice crowd

and why don't they have a bed?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

She had bed bugs for about 6 months. She wated so long to treat them. We stopped bringing sd over there but judge said its no excuse. after 5 months of not treating or doing exactly what her exterminator said we sent over our exterminator company hat we use for basic 3 month service. Our exterminator said it was one of the worst infestations he had ever seen. He offered her a deal where she could pay in installments so it wouldnt be so hard. She neglected it and a week before court she moved. She threw the couch and bed away along with other clutter. she kept her toddlers bed and grandma kept her bed. Im sure within the next few months they will pop up again because she didnt clean everything. A blow up bed even - is only 25 bucks at walmart... Just something so SD feels like she has a place..


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bed bugs

OMG, if she gets bed bugs again, SD will bring them to your house for sure, bed bugs are spreading like there is no tomorrow


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

i know that was our defence. we have 2 other children at the time my baby was only a month old.... judge didnt care... he is a real piece of work...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Here is a thought on all of the bad things that are shared. Dd's therapist told me this. Dd was telling me nothing but bad things and I was complaining to the therapist ALL this bad stuff. After the therapist talked to dd she then spoke to me and said she felt like dd was telling me what I wanted to hear. I didnt want to hear all the GOOD things I needed BAD things to use in court. As soon as I changed my frame of mind and started asking all the 'right' questions, I heard all the fun good things that were happening and a lot less of the bad negative things. Just a thought.


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And yes just me too -- I have no doubt that all of this mess is just exDH's way of sticking it to me. He fights so hard. I don't get it?? He is always in court -- even when he didn't have an attorney -- always there -- crying literally tears 'I miss my baby' but then after two weekends it's back to the same drama -- can't get her have to work -- I'm sick -- sd is sick -- I am going out of town on business -- what the f ever! For once I want to say umm mm no.. Sorry - I am out of town, you are in charge. But I can't bring myself to stand up my dd. It's just ridiculous!

I think your attorney did an awesome job. I'm serious! The schedule is perfect -- and the restrictions on the house guests -- you dont normally see this.

As far as the child testifying to what BM says, it would have to be to a therapist. Most courts won't let a 6 yr old in court. They won't let dd in court and she is almost 10. The therapist has to testify on dd's behalf. Which annoys me bc sometimes I feel like she guides dd in her questions. If you just sit back and say oh really? Wow. Cool. Oh I'm sorry to hear that. It just starts flowing out and the therapist does something different and gets different accounts -- which is why she told me that dd is only telling me what she thinks I want to hear ... So weird.


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I hear good and bad... Yes the bad sticks with me stronger but for the first time ever she lived in one place with her grandma for a full year. Just moved so we will see... She has held this job for about 5 months... SD loves to see her mom and has fun with her mom.. BM boyfriend has become an issue and we dont really know how to handle it. He is also one of our friends (keep your enemies close) he keeps us up to date and lets us know what is going on.. well when he is around us he plays with sd and is nice. I guess with BM he "plays" - rough... teases her and SD has gotten to the point she cried last sunday when she came home. We have talked with him but insists he just messing aound with her. I told her she needs to tell her BM, its her house and she needs to tell him to relax and knock it off... We dont really want SD in court i think that would be a bit traumatic. We tried to get her therapy through her school but they said she was to young. We were on a waiting list for free therapy through the state but it just never came around. I reminded DH of the positives of BM today before court and that extra time is not leathal to sd and maybe it is going to work out just fine aslong as she is safe. She has a habit of getting tired of her kids and pawning them off for days.. Even trying to pawn her toddler off to me!! yea - me!! Its so crazy..Maybe BM will just grow tired of this new schedule.Just like she grew tired of calling everyday. Also wanted to know if you all thought we did the right thing - tonight at dinner we told SD about the new arangments because BM didnt even talk to her about it on the phone. Had a talk with her about BMF explained bad touch good touch and if it ever happened to just let us know. We want her to be safe nd she seemed to be ok.. Not sure she understood the severity of it all but... was it wrong?... I know BM is going to flip a lid about it and tell her its all lies but if he ever does come over... in the back of her mind she WILL remember the good touch bad touch talk and be aware..


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MrsProfitt, I feel so badly for you. This is the kind of thing that I hate to see. The courts are so dead-set that it's always better for parents and children to maintain a "relationship" that the parents seem to get chance, after chance, after chance....

Is your SD in counseling? It would probably benefit her immensely. If nothing else, it would give her a "safe" adult she could talk to about the secrets that she's being forced to keep. Additionally, if the secrets are detrimental to her (sex offender is back around and after SD) the counselor is required to report it.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

grown up man plays rough with a child? Sick sick people.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

--" well when he is around us he plays with sd and is nice. I guess with BM he "plays" - rough... teases her and SD has gotten to the point she cried last sunday when she came home. We have talked with him but insists he just messing aound with her".--

This guy needs a quick kick too. I realize he's a 'friend' but no one should be playing with SD 'too rough' and teasing her to the point of crying. It's not just 'messing around' when the child is not enjoying it and is upset by it. Child is not a toy, kept hands off her and keep mouth shut if can't interact with her without teasing. It's not fun, it's not funny and no one but him is having a good time with it.

You're already spoken to the guy...it has not stopped. Have the DH tell the guy in no uncertain terms that the rough play and teasing is going to cease or there will be no choice but to seek to ban him from being at BM's during SD's visitations. A child should not be physically or mentally harassed for entertainment... it might even be viewed as a type of abuse. Ok, if you must 'soften' it up, dive into a line about it being an adjustment period that is already going to be tough and you just can't allow rough play and teasing to continue and increase stress and/or anxiety for SD...BM does not need it either. BM is going to have to learn to deal with daughter for longer periods and BM does not need an upset crying daughter just because BFd thinks it's fun and only 'messing around'.

You might also include Mr. Messing Around in your talk with SD. She has a right to tell this guy to knock it off. No, I am not having fun, please stop that, do not tough me and it's not nice to tease people.

While you can't control every last thing that happens at BM's, your SD does have to right to demand people not to rough play her. She's a little human, not a fricking toy. They can watch a cartoon together, they can play with play dough, make paper airplanes, whatever to spend time together, but rough play and teasing and upsetting children so grown ups can 'mess around and have fun' is not acceptable.

I realize as said this guy is a 'friend' but if he's worth having for a friend I will assume he is adult enough to knock it off and have a half brain that clicks on and realizes the behavior has to stop. What would DH do and or say if suddenly this guy starting rough playing and teasing your little 2 girl old? What would you do about it. The guy is not doing it at your house because he knows it is wrong and unacceptable behavior...it should be no different for him at BM's.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I missed that he is not only her BF but also your friend??? How did that happen? Was he your friend first and then started dating BM? Is he a decent man? I understand you cannot control your friends but why on Earth is he dating BM? I had a GF who attempted to start flirting with my ex as soon as he became my ex and mind you, he is not drug addict deadbeat and does not have sex offenders in a family, yet it was not comfortable for neither me nor my ex. Luckily it stopped because ex was not interested.

Why is he doing it? Why is he dating this crazy woman? This story just gets crazier by day.

I don't know how to explain about "good touch bad touch", but I think you did a good job by addressing the issue.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I do have a question as it makes little sense to me. The Aunt has to move out because she is a convicted drug offender. Ok. But you also said above that BM's boyfriend is also one. So why does the boyfriend get to stay living in home? This is the guy who is not only a convicted drug offender but Mr. Likes To Play Rough...how come court had no issue with him remaining in home?

You've made a big thing about Aunt and her drug offenses and now she ordered out of home...yet BM's boyfriend is also a convicted drug offender, gets to live still at BM's and is also a guess in your home.

I'm afriad the more you post the more questionable the sincerity behind the posting seems to become to me. For example you posted in the other thread how you told BM blah blah and got removed from room, almost arrested at courthouse rattle rattle...yet tell us also in that same thread later posting that you've never been in courtroom. Were you refering to a joint waiting room pre-hearings? If so I guess I don't understand why you attended just to be present in a waiting room that you knew would contain the BM in close quarters while both of you full of hostile feelings towards each other. While BM's behavior would reflect badly on her while in courthouse/ would you not realize that your own behavior would also therefore reflect just as poorly but on your DH? If you weren't testifing nor going into courtroom, why attend at all? BM had no choice, hearing is about her/her child. Same with DH. I can't see it being just for 'support for DH' if while there you two ladies were at each other's throats. What support would that be for DH?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I don't think BF is a live-in, seems like he is just visiting? I agree that this story is suspiciously getting crazier by a minute... but if a BF is a drug addict (perhaps is in recovery?) it is not like he can never be around kids. I did have a drug addict in my extended family, he was a very nice man, well he was ill of course, as addiction is a disease, he was in and out of recovery/rehab in and out but drugs won over him, he died from complications due to drug abuse. To my recollection he never babysat us but he was allowed around us. As a child I never knew he did drugs for many years, I only learned about it years later.

I think it is myfampg's SM was arrested not OP. I don't know...

The whole story seemed OK and credible until BM's BF turned out to be also OP's friend. That's really strange.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

BM BF is also the father of the other chld I cant see them making him leave... Attorney mentioned bringing it up next hearing. he became a friend once they broke up. It was in a waiting room where me and BM got into at the courthouse. I also mentioned that it was quite some time ago - the begining of DH and I's relationship. Im sorry it seems suspicous. Im just being honest and if it seems like things new pop up every post its because there IS SO MUCH going on. So much history and so many things happened. Still so much i havent even mentioned. And yes i do go to support my DH im sorry you feel it is pointless but i feel like i should be there to support. I will always be there. BMb/f is never alone with any of my children or alone in my home. He has recenty in last 2 months moved back in with BM. He became a friend bcause he was letting DH know what was going on in BM home. Bed bugs - uncle selling drugs (the reason we filed an emergency motion last yr) driving sd around w/o liscense... DH says he is just an inside source. He is not a regular visitor to our home he does not come over for dinner. He pops up to visit once in a while and calls to talk to DH. He says he only living there to be there for his daughter. IDK.. I am honest with my posts and i find it offending that my sincerity is questionable... I love my SD.. My DH loves his daughter and we only want what is best. We just want her safe. DH says he will call and talk to BM b/f about how he is making DD upset.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I do see how things can get confusing with different stories. I have 4 years of on going stuff.

I do believe that some times your posts sound like DH is not really around and that you are doing EVERYTHING -- your choice or not, I read sometimes and I think 'where are this little girls parents'?

I can't understand befriending someone just to get information. How do you know everything he has said is true?
They broke up and you became friends with him, was he not bitter Enough to say BM is nasty, has drug dealers around, has bed bugs etc. I hear countless stories of my ex did this or that or is this kind of person. Of course BMb/f is not going to say, she is an amazing woman and she walks on sunshine... He was broken up with her ... I just don't think you should be using what HE says about Bm as your basis for evidence. He is a drug offender but you are taking his word for the situation in keeping BM from her daughter. That is what I think is odd.

I do have a suggestion for you. Try not asking sd at all about her visit with her mom. When she gets home, just be excited to see her, don't say I missed you or any negative that might make her feel sad for your feelings. Just start of brand new. What will we do today? Where will we go? Not... Where did mom take you and let's go somewhere better. No, who did you see? Who was there? What did they talk about? Where did they sleep? Etc. I think you might start feeling more relaxed about the visits if you stop digging for more information on BM.

Just see how it goes. Ya know?

I'm also surprised that the judge allows you to do check ups of bms home any time. That normally is a job given to a social worker -- it just really surprises me. I see the necessity for it but I don't understand why it wasn't delegated to a neutral group.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

It was mediaton with both BM and DH attorneys. The judge was not present and BM and DH agreed to everything. I believe BM B/F because so far everything has had told us is true.Even with him back in the home he is honest with us. BM told us at mediaion that she just bought SD a bed and DH asked her why her BF says there isnt one (held up his phone with a text from right before court). then we got this 'oh ya well she will sleep on my other daugters bed'. I do not do everything and im sorry that it sounds like that. I tied to explain DH is very much involved and he always has the say so. But as far as daily activities - he is not here he has to work... Like today - DH is still at work , SD and I did homework , cleaned her room , had snack time and now she is outside playing with her bestie. He is just not here. He has to support 5 people so its not like i can say babe a little less hours please... I will admitt DH and I are both quilty of asking what happened during the visit in the PAST. We no longer ask we just say "have fun?" and start talkingabout something else because we have learned that later on the week - if something did happen she will tell us. dont know why i feel like i need to defend my DH - he works 60+ hours a week - I do the same for my SD as i do my own... It is our routine.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

No don't feel like you have to defend your Dh. No one says he shouldn't be supporting his family. Here is my feelings though. My ex works 60+ hours a week and is never home but complains if I were to ever get a babysitter. If both bio parents are 'busy' and it falls on SM/SF to care for a child, that would be one thing. But if BM wants more time with her daughter, even if her standards aren't up to your standards, why should you be given more time with her DD over her? I think that it's important for the bioparent to always be the first to care for children and in their absence if an SM or SF want to stand up to do the job, then that is great -- much better than a sitter. I know in your situation your DH is trying to protect his daughter from abuse and neglect and he is custodial but do you ever see that if things go well and BM is doing what she is supposed to do that you will 'allow' her to start taking the reigns a little more when your Dh isn't available. Your raising your stepdaughter, which I applaud you for but be careful to not let your 'selfless' acts of love cause the courts to raise an eyebrow that dad is busy working. If mom gets straight, gets smart and realizes that she has missed so much, you won't win to a 'changed' BM. She does have rights, she is mom and I hope for your heart she doesn't get smart and decide to get her rights back in June. I can tell you are very invested emotionally and that's awesome -- just remember to keep your nose clean, meaning don't make any mistakes, because I was the BM that was dumb and made lots of mistakes and then I got smart, got past age 25, grew up and realized wtf? I need to make some change and in the end, I won. That's just me though.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

She has made changes and DH and i discussed if this trial basis goes well to offer fri-sun every other weekend and a week day. Believe me I am ready to have a normal weekend. Be able to have family days with withou checking my watch every 20 min to make sure we get SD to BM on time. She is not fighting for full custody or even residential. He already has residential custody. She just wants more time and i dont blame her. Like i have said a million times we just want her safe. She has already told the judge she doesnt want SD to live there. BM texted my phone today for parenting advise - SD throws temper tantrums there. I told her how we have rules and how we enforce them. once again DH was at work for that conversation but at the same time she came to me. I know she is trying... But at the same time to fight and throw a fit to allow your father who is a reg sex offender to be allowed to spend time with dd is not a normal mind frame. So what your saying is when DH is at work SD should be with BM not home..? There are many reasons why the courts only gave her 6hrs a week for 3 years.. that wasnt DH choice. Yes she could have or could be changing but i dont think that means she is fully stable enough to keep sd on a daily basis... She has history of abuse in the PAST no there hasnt been any sign of abuse in the past yr and half but at the same time she only had 6 hours. It is not about DH ALLOWIGN BM extra time he sincerly believes she needs to prove she can control herself and her actions before he just throws his dd in her arms for a 3 day stay. He is very content with how court went. He hopes it does go well just as i do. Our eyes will be peeled for any abuse! We both want to give SD and BM this chance to have a normal relationship.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I can completely understand how you feel about weekends. Like I posted -- this weekend went pretty well and I have my fingers crossed that it continues but.... Everytime I get my hopes up something happens. I enjoy this weekend with just ds. I love dd so much but I don't get a lot of one one one time with my son because when I have dd it's dance, soccer, dance, PTA... Ya know? I feel like I go go go all week for dd and so when she is with her dad, I love that I am 'forced' to have one on one time with ds. I don't mean forced like I don't have a choice but those are MY weekends with him alone. Because I spent so many years single AND before I was single I was a stay at home mom -- so dd has had so many years of being #1. The second child always gets less than what the first one got so I do enjoy and take advantage of not having dd on those weekends. I am sure you know since you have little ones younger than sd. When things are back to normal, you will get those weekends where you get to focus on your babies and not worry about sd and if she is ok.

Even though it sounds like you are being criticized it's not without care here. I think you are doing a great job. Aren't you the original poster that just wanted to give up? Like you were so exhausted with all of this? I think it really takes a very special heart to love and nurture someone else's child. And to care so deeply. I am a product of that. A stepdad that for almost 30 yrs has unconditionally loved me and supported me and I know your SD is going to turn out to be a fine young lady because she has someone in her life that gave a damn.

To answer your question, in a normal situation, yes. Sd should be with mom if BD is working and she is available. That is how it is in most situations. Keyword: available. If she doesn't want that role then it's up for you to have. Second keyword: normal. The reason that BM is asking you for parenting advice is because like you said for 3 yrs she has only had access to her daughter for 6 hours at a time. She doesn't know her daughter like you do. And don't take me saying that as a pat on the back for knowing her daughter better. When dd started overnights with BD be emailed and asked what's her bed time, what's her routine, she says you let her do this and this before bed, is it true? What time do you drop her off for school, how long do you leave her in afterschool care, what is her homework routine. I didn't slap BD for asking-- he didn't know because he hasnt had her overnight in years. I was impressed his pride didn't get in the way of asking such important questions. She needs help because she is probably terrified of screwing up. When my son was born, 6 yrs after my dd was born, I remember calling my mom and saying HELP I don't remember ... As much as BM has done, and all the
Mistakes she has made, I really think it's good that she knows that YOU know her little girl and you could help rather than your SD being miserable because MOM just doesn't know. Didn't you say she is really young. Maybe she looks up to you because you do such an awesome job with your kids and you have done so well with your SD. Take her questions as a compliment to your parenting and that she is hoping to do it just like you so that it does work for her and her daughter. I also could imagine that he realizes all you do and have done, she might have a sense of not wanting to 'step on your toes' like most SMs feel about the BM. I wouldn't be at her beck and call. She needs to figure it out. But isn't tonight her first sleepover? Good luck to you. I'm sure you are worried but try to just relax and see how tomorrow is. I'm really pulling for you mrs profitt


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Thank you - and yes i posted originally about giving uo becaus i felt like o matter what we did it wasnt enough for SD. The advice from you and others really helped change my view on what SHE is going through and i need to just stay by her side. When she asked me for advice it was because she had heard from her b/f that SD doesnt behave the same with her as she does us. and i told no - she is different here , she doesnt whine to get what she wants , she doesnt argue when the answer is no and she certainly doesnt cry cnstantly when she doesnt get her way. she replied but its so hard i just want to make her happy. I simply told her how i feel is that she is being SD's friend rather than her mother. and so on and so on. She said she will talk to SD - i dont think that disciplin is something to be talked about it is something learned an taught. You show no means no or whatever the case may be. I told her imagine how SD will be when se is 16 if she knows now that when you say no - she can still do it... lol i left it alone after than she can figure it out just like i had to. Today was the first day she could have gotten SD from school but she had to work. This weekend is the first time she will have an extended period of time , 8am - 7pm just sunday. then the following weekend is her first overnight. Im curious to see if on tuesdays she does her homework with her... Im not going to tell her to - kinda common sense no?.. she knows she has homework daily... I am assuming she has pj's , tooth brush and a change of clothes because she has not mentioned needing any - should we even provide that?!? Shouldnt that be her resposibility?.. She hasnt asked DH about her nightly routine - she has told sd infront of us that her bedtime is way to early so im sure she will be up late. but thats ok - once she deals with a cranky 6 yr old maybe she will fgure it out. also no i didnt say sh is young - she is a year older than me.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

It's funny here. The roles are reversed. Dd whines, dd fusses, DD talks back, but she would NEVER imagine doing that or being herself at BD and SMs. She isn't comfortable to be herself. I don't give in to my dd but BD thinks I do and honestly I don't care what he thinks about my parenting. Dd is an excellent student, is very well rounded, but she is a girl and she tries her darndest to push limits with me and she whines and fusses about it. I ignore her -- after this many yrs I'm waiting for her to realize it doesnt work and she's just making herself miserable. But at BDs she is on her very best behavior and honestly, I'm soo glad no would rather my kids act up at home then at someone else's. SM used to complain that dd would say 'but daaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyy' and stick out her bottom lip... And that drove SM up a wall... Until I saw her own child do it and she ignored it just like I ignore my dd. And it doesnt bother her when HER child does it. Lol so humorous. Dd learned real quick that Sm wasn't the loving type and that she didn't think dd was cute -- doesn't bother me because I know my dd is walking on egg shells to be perfect around them so I'm glad she likes being laid back with me. Not trying to be her friend or anything because our relationship is far from a 'friendship'. But I do know that when dd needs something or is in trouble - it will be me she goes to. She knows I won't judge. I read on a thread that sometimes the standards that we have for our own kids are not the same standards we hold for our spouses kids and I think that is the case in our situation

You're 25 right? That's pretty young.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

yes i just turned 25 last month. My SD knows she doesnt need to whine - she can just say may i or please.. she also knows how to get DH to give in lol and me but she doesnt feel the need to play that baby role... she knows that just as much rewards for good there is also punishment for bad behavior. Its the same for my toddler - needless to say she is two nd it doesnt always work out but she is learning... she stood in the cornor for 1 whole minute a few days ago... it was so cute... lol when BM and I were talking about the difference in behavior i had mentioned that i overheard her tell SD " when you come over next weekend i want you to read me a book" and sd flat out said no... and it was ok... i asked BM does that not bother you??? and she said ya... ok but you dont change it... when dh or i tell daughter let read - its
"ok" and she grabs a book or 2 and reads to me or dh or even her new fav thing to do is read to my dd... sooo cute but she would never talk back - and its not that she isnt being herself.. she talks to me about boys and its our secret cause daddy doesnt like boy talk - of course i tell him later cause its to darn cute.. its just she is aloud to back talk BM and pretty mch make her own rules andrun the house but im sure that will get old now that the visit will last more than 3hrs a day.. I dont feel that her throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming for a cookie is SD behaving like herself... But i also hve learned from friends and other posts that the parent who has less times feels the need to just have fun and do fun things not take the time to mke rules and enforce them. Maybe i feel like if she had the same rules and parented the way we do the trasition of sleeping there then here then there then here wouldnt be so har on SD. if that even makes sence. The first few visits with BM 3 yrs ago when SD wuld come back from even just 3 hours with BM she was so different... she wouldnt talk , wouldnt play with us... she was so - i dont know the word , like she wanted to just be invisibe. I still dont know why - things said to her i know had a part in.. a 3yr old little girl shouldnt even have heard the things her mom told her the first few visits.. she hated us... maybe im so worried about overnights because im scared it will happen like that again , come home and just hate us.. I keep saying i think she has changed but many times in the past I gave her the benifit of the doubt i even stuck up fo her to DH!!!! and many times it just bit me in the a$$... like i said we will see from this trial run of over nights. I love my SD very much i just dont want her to change like she did when she first got to see BM.. I joined this blog for advice , other step parents to talk to , share my story and to vent.. I didnt plan on being judged and have someone say my sincerity doesnt seem genuin.. I couldnt wait to get home yesterday and tell how court went! I was so pleased with the outcome! BM gets her chance and yet its not all at once we have cout again in 6 wks to both tell how it went and im excited to see how it goes... I hope the best for my SD... I hope BM learns that just because they are family doesnt mean these people (uncle and her father) are the best people to have around SD and her DD.. I hope she doesnt talk bad about us because it doesnt hurt us it hurts SD. I told DH today - i truley hope it goes well , i really do.. I hope it goes well so we can all have a little more sense of normalcy and when sd is with us - we can go out have a full day of family fun!! When sd is with bm - we (dh,me and our dd's) can still have full days of family fun. Now its ok we can go to the beach but we have to be home by 3 to get SD ready lol I think that routine has me drained as well as dh... We have our worries and i guess its to be expected. Thank you for talking with me - helps alot. Even though things were said that hurt my feelings , i know im not her bm - it is due to her own actions that sd and i have such a close bond...(i know i know - not like her and bm) but stll - i wouldnt trade it for the world even if i complain about being so drained and frustrated.. I would be in the wrong if i didnt have so many worries about SD sleeping over there.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Oh, Mrs. P don't get your feeling hurt over something I said. I was questioning and giving you a chance to clarify a couple points that seemed to be conflicting with each other. I was trying to understand was all. One can be there, one can't, I was curious why and why you too agreed that convicted person #1 was ok but convicted person #2 was not. It was not so much about 'judging' you as it was a 'backup and run this by me again'.

And yes, 25 and 26 are still quit the young mommies. I was young too once. Have certainly made my share of mistakes, lost my composure (yeah I have tossed a few hissy fits in my day LOL) and had to regroup and try again. I would imagine we all have. I think sometimes it's really easy to stand back and say 'well, I would have done this or that, what ever were YOU thinking?'...but it's partly because we (us out here) are not as emotionally attached and immediately involved in the situation as the actual poster actually going through and trying to deal with whatever they're posting about. KWIM?'

I do think you love this little girl and that you want her to be safe, happy and well adjusted. I'm not questioning your sincerity in that at all.

As far as the pjs and toothbrush, Since BM feels feel to pick up phone and communicate with you...do the same. Pick up the phone and say 'I just realized we did not clarify how the weekend/overnight will work in the way of SD's daily needs while she is away from home. Have you purchased a toothbrush and do you have pjs and items for her already or do I need to pack her a bag?'

If BM says she has zip, then launch into what you will send and what you expect as far as the items. Meaning maybe you can spend one pair of pjs that will stay there maybe a pair that you expect returned at end of visit. A toothbrush and a tube of kiddie toothpaste can be purchased at the dollar store for a buck each...tuck it in her bag and let BM keep those there. You will assume BM can and will have enough sense to resupply these items as needed.

Considering BM may have bed bugs in this place, I'd not sned a nice travel bag. put SD's stuff in a toss away plastic bag...you don't need or want critters coming back on a travel bag.

As long as you'll have BM on the phone, mention homework. Something light in the way of 'on this day SD may bring home homework and will need to get it done, so if Sd forgets to get it out and tell you about it, you might need to remind her'. yeah, you should not have to remind BM that things like doing homework on her shift is now her responsibility but as long as this BM appears to be actually asking you for parenting advice and tips, a simple statement like exampled above should not offend or upset her...it will likely be a welcome reminder. This BM begins to build more experience in handling a 6 year for longer periods than 3 hours, she may decide she knows it all and no longer welcomes Mrs. P advising but for now I think it sounds like she's open to it.

no, you should not have to lead BM step by step...just keep it in mind that you aren't doing it for BM, you are doing it for SD in the hopes that all goes well, safe and happy.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I don't question your sincerity, I don't think you made it up and you do love SD and care about the situation, but I would look into few things. I understand young age too, I was 21 and ex was 20 when we had DD.

What seems like a mistake that you befriended someone because he comes to your home to tell you what is going in his girlfriend's life.
If my SO went to someone else's house to bash me and my homelife, I would have a huge problem with it. And I would not befriend anyone just because he gives me inside information about my ex's life. Does BM know her BF does that???? Plus he started complaining about BM after they broke up, he probably lied about most of it! Plus isn't he an addict himself? And now they are back together, I bet you that trashes you to her.

Now I am wondering if the words "deadbeat sperm donor" that BM said were based on information she receives from her BF, like that you do everything with the child and dad does nothing (untrue but heck why wouldn't he lie)? Trust me if BF trashes her to you, I can guarantee that he trashes you and your DH to her. You guys created a monster.

I have no questions about you carrying for this child and about this child, and I feel horrible for SD. But I would ban BM's BF from your house because he gives her info that she could use against you in court, like he gives you info about her to use in court. That's a big mistake.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I understand where you are coming from - it is a strange situation. The day we went to the fair i mentioned i picked up BM b/f and her DD as well.. the whole day at the fair he walked by me and DD's it was wierd. He is only there to be with his dd. BM left early and he stayed with me and DD's and SD. She left to go clubbing. She knows when he stops by and she seems ok. It is actually the other way around - bm b/f asked us "so you had BM over for a bbq?" an we were like um no , we invited her into our home one time when she picked up SD because we wanted her to see SD new room and SD had been begging us. she was here for all of 10 min lol she lies to her BF. There have been times BM called me to see if i knew where b/f had gone (they have a very unhealthy relationship) It is another thing that bothers me but i totally have no control over that. they fight sooooo bad and call each other names its terrible. If a man ever talked to me like that - he would be gone... but they both seem to deal with it like its normal. When BM and bf first broke up she had signed over her rights for that baby to b/f.. he came to us asking help as to how to take it to court to make it legal. She (baby) lived with him for 10 solid months untill BM decided to play mommy again and called cps and they made him give her back... the legal system is all for the mothers even in this case where BM has a cps file a mile long! The accusations have been found true also! but she still gets chance after chance. It wasnt even us who ever called. We have only called one time years ago. BM has called on us so many times.. DH had to even leave wrk to come home and take a drug test! of course we both passed , acusasions of us rubbing feces in SD face , she slept in a closet and we smack SD for saying "mommy" all proven false. sorry got off base there... I want to explain its not like bf is around everyday or even every week. I know he deosnt tell BM things because there is nothing to tell.. He knows that.. even BM knows it.The only thing bad she had to say about us on monday at court was that I smoke. Yes - i do smoke , I am an adult and i am careful. her lawyer said - are you aware SD has asthma... ((( SD does have asthma - when she was 1 she was taken to the hospital because BM let her go on for 4 days with out being able to breathe properly , she was blue and th dr's told everyone to say thier goodbyes!! that is also when the dr found the bite mark on SD and BM admitted to biting SD , that is when CPS made BM send SD to live with DH and his Father at the time , shortly there after is when she singed over all legal rights)) anywho , I said yes i am aware but BM also smokes and is also aware i do not smoke in my home or in my car. If i feel the need i smoke outside. I told BM feel free to callher DR and get records and she will see SD has never had ANY problem with asthma since she has lived with us. that was the only thing she had against me. She admitted to the judge on our court date back on march first that SD is in a safe stable home.. dead beat dad happened before we were talking to BF. I have texted BM to see if she has everything for SD - p.j.s toothbrush underwear ect... Sh replied not yet so i will wait untill she is due to spend the night (not this w/e but next) and ask again.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

"Its only been a yr since bm has seemed to tone it down a bit. still calls dh f*g , dead beat dad , sperm donor and loser. "

You said just few days ago she still calls him deadbeat and other names but now you are saying that happened before you started talking to BF? Sure BF just lives with her for the kid, all right, he tells you stories. So you took BM's BF and his kid with you to a fair? Why??? They are trashy unfit people yet you guys seek their company?

She signs off legal rights but then calls CPS and they make custodial parent to give the kid to her, why? CPS do not make custody decisions. And no if the mother is unfit they don't just hand kids to her because she made a phone call. It doesn't work this way. Was there a court case?

I give up, mom is unfit, that is established but it looks like there is more to this story and who knows what's going on. I should stop reading this.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

seriously? wow the name calling started before we een started talking to him - you said maybe it is because he goes back and tell her i do everything i was simply letting you know that is not the case and once again i invited them to the fair because my lawyer said we should encourage a relaionship and i wanted to take sd to the far so i had no other choice - get it yet? and yes child was living with him and she called an they made him send her back because BM said she wanted to get her into daycare - what would the logic be behind a lie so rediculous for me to tell you? In trying to establish some om of realtionship with BM is becaue in the end IT IS BEST FOR SD TO NOT HAVE ARGUEMENTS BETWEEN THE ADULT SHE LOVES! I thought SD would enjoy being with all her sisters at once i mean ya thats me making anotherbad decision i guess. no there was no court case between BM and bf. and what i said was it has been a yr and half since we have seen signs of physical abuse... yes it was brought to the courts attention but as you can see it did nothing. I am beginging to think the things i have tried to better the situation are being taken as me bing neglectful and without care. Everything i have done is based on advice from family and friends. would it not be best for sd if everyone just got along? am i so wrong for trying? as much as you feel you shouldnt read anymore i guess i feel i shouldt post anymore.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I do agree that everyone should get along, I also got along with ex and often put up with stuff so we have decent relationship for the sake of DD but I think you misunderstood your attorney (or you need a different one).

They usually advice custodial parent to facilitate good relationship between children and noncustodial parents, but I don't see how attorney would advice you to invite troublesome abusive parent and her other kid and a rough playing drug addict boyfriend to mutual events. What kind of attorneys advice that? My ex is none of that yet I would laugh if attorney advised me to spend more events with him and his wife, no way. You misunderstood. Speak nicely about mom, let SD have visits as per court order yes, but spend time together? No.

I also don't see how there are no arguments and everyone gets along when in reality BM calls your DH deadbeat loser, F-t, sperm donor to her child's face? It is pretty much awful and going to fairs and zoos with BM did not change that. Nobody gets along.

Your family and friends advice you, but it does not mean you need to follow what they say at all. Why do you follow their advice? I don't think you need to be trying to befriend BM and her BF, no, not at all. No, you are neglectful and you clearly care but I would back off and let dad deal with serious issues. And do not befriend them anymore.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Just found out from BM b/f that BM is taking SD to lakeland to visit her dad.. the sex offende. She didnt let us know.. asked her and she admitted yes she is. Which means DH or I must attend the visit on EASTER SUNDAY. Also missing our babys first easter and spendin easter without our 2 yr old. Emailed lawyer to see if there is a way out of it if we are unable to attend or if we are stuck. Im dumbfounded...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

--'We had it put in the court order that BMF (moms BD) can not be around SD. He is a sex offender. Boy did she get upset. "HE IS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE , HE HAS CHANGED , THE COURTS MADE A MISTAKE" well if they made a mistake how did he change? So if he comes over DH or I must attend the visit."--

--"Just found out from BM b/f that BM is taking SD to lakeland to visit her dad.. the sex offende. She didnt let us know.. asked her and she admitted yes she is. Which means DH or I must attend the visit on EASTER SUNDAY"--

Hold up. Get out the order and read the actual writing of that clause. Sorry, if it is so poorly done that interpretation can imply BM can preschedule these sex offender 'visits' and then information you of date and time DH HAS to be there...well, you have no one but DH and shabby language drawn up by your lawyer to blame if you HAVE to do it and it HAS to be this Sunday.

Don't get too bent outta shape about it just yet until lawyer contacts you back and assures you you are understanding that part correctly. If you're lawyer is worth his/her fee I doubt the 'order' literally means BM can plan and demand on whim without advance communication of desired event and agreement that this is workable for DH. Otherwise, if so poorly entered upon BM can be calling you every fricking time SD is to be over there and invite her sex offender father right on over and text and say 'get right over Daddy is coming/here'.

If DH let an agreement be that loose and signed off on it, sorry but he deserves to go this Sunday and plop his buns at BM's You and your bio children can stay home and do your own thing. No need for you and your kids to go just because dad may have to.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

We Have not yet recieved the court order. DH cant go - he has to work untill 1pm so I would have to drop the babies off at my moms. Laywer emailed me back to tell BM she cant have SD this sunday. Asked her to call me because i dont want DH in trouble for vialating court order. Nothing was said about we had to agree to when the visit with BM would be. Its an hour drive... grrr,,,


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

That just does not make sense at all. I do understand about not having the order yet because it has to be written up and then submitted to the court clerk for final signature. You said that the two attorneys agreed on the visits and if they agreed that one of you has to supervise visits with the sex offender then... That's what your attorney agreed to.

I'm just not understanding this -- I am more perplexed that it's your job because Dh has to work.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

we did agree to it. But who would have thught she would do it on the first weekend , on easter and at his home an hour away? I believeif we areunable to be there then itcan be rescheduled not just do it anyways. She didnt even tell us. Her bf told us. She then told me after asking her about it she is her mom and will do what she wants including taking sd to see him. BM requested it to be me too...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Omg -- that is just nuts. See she's already acting wacko! Bless you my dear -- it seems it will be a long road for you. PLEASE let me know what happens.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

This sounds outrageous, what kind of court order says that if mom takes kids to see sex offenders SM or dad must attend as well.

Why isn't court order saying that mom is not to take SD to see sex offenders at all, period, or it could be supervised by a professional, like maybe police officer could be present. But why you? I personally would be scared to go an hour away with drug addicted BM to see sex offenders. WTF?

What kind of judge would tell SM to be present at sex offenders outings? This is the craziest thing! Why did your DH agree to put on paper that you (or him)would accompany BM to see sex offenders. Who agreed to this?

BM requested you, who cares what she requests.

Your attorney says not to allow BM to take SD, so follow his advice, do not let her take SD. Notice is too short, DH cannot take time off work. Plus she did not inform you ahead of time that she is going to see sex offender, she lied. Follow what your lawyer says, not what BM says.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Exactly.. The judge was not present and BM lawyer is the one writing the court order. I think both laywers inclusing hers figured she wouldnt be this stupid. When DH brought it up at mediation he said he didnt want BM father anywhere near DD and BM laywer looked shocked... "Sex offender?! Wish I knew about this ahead of time" It was BM who put up a fights but itsmy dad bla bla bla and her lawyer said FINE If your dad wants to visit how about BD attends and she said Nicky... and everyone was just like whatever... we knew he lived a ways away and we know he is a truck driver and is never home so i guess that was OUR stupidity for giving it the thought that it just wouldnt happen.. I asked the lawyer what exctly would our defence be because I am nervous about he situation I dont want DH in trouble. (dh is seeing red btw) And she said that she advised us not to bring sd due to the fact BM is taking sd to lakeland (without a car) and is a diliberate attempt to cut out our supervision.. BM is literally begging us now... she is promising she wont take her but in her promising we caught another lie so its just not worth it - its not worth sd safety and innocence. I am hoping the judge does exacty what you said and say no sex offender at all but i wouldnt be surprised if her lawyer doesnt even say those words "sex offender" in the court order - just BM father.. I didnt know he is the one writing the order i thought the judge does it but next time - im asking that OUR attorney write it.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Initially --"So if he comes over DH or I must attend the visit"--

Currently --" It was BM who put up a fights but itsmy dad bla bla bla and her lawyer said FINE If your dad wants to visit how about BD attends and she said Nicky... and everyone was just like whatever"--

Either I need stronger reading glasses and/or I need more coffee. Anybody else?

So this 'agreement' was through a mediator in way of like a parenting plan and M's lawyer had actually writen 'agreement' prior to mediation session? And then DH's lawyer readily agreed to all demands in plan, penciled in a few new highlights and promptly handed it over to DH to sign off on? Uh, Mrs. P, who actually even drew up the trial basis new visitation 'court order' and who 'awarded' BM the new times and days?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I know that here if the parents come to an agreement in mediation, either with or without lawyers, that agreement then becomes the new court order. It's written up, filed, and we got a copy that said "Court Order Dated xxxx". This might be what Mrs. Profitt is referring to.

If that's what happened, I can sympathize with her DH trying to do the best that he could in mediation and try to prevent it from going in front of a judge. Depending on where they live, a man with primary custody of a young child (especially a girl) is still pretty rare, and there are still a lot of judges out there who strongly believe that little kids belong with their mothers - laws be damned, and it only takes one of them to change primary custody.

DH went through this, and our neighbor is right now - both were so afraid because 9 out of 10 judges will actually hear testimony, look at how the child is doing with the current arrangement, etc. - but there was that other 10%, the ones who could and would hear nothing more than "six year old girl, mother only has a couple of hours a week" and bang, "kids belong with their mothers" - and it's over.

Until very recently, judges here didn't even have to give a reason for custody decisions, making it almost impossible to win an appeal. (The only way to appeal is to prove some sort of error in the proceedings or the judge's reasoning, and if you don't know what the reasoning was, how can you appeal it?)

In this case, Sex Offender is SD's grandfather. What kind of judge would allow a child to be around a sex offender? The kind of judge from some "third world county", as our attorney puts it, who ignores all law and precedent, and decides that a mother would never put her child in harm's way, and if Mom says her father has changed, then he must have. I also know that having visitation supervised by the other parent or some other relative is very common here - the problem with the paid supervision services is that there are not very many, if any, in rural counties and to require such is effectively ending all visitation.

It's a really crappy situation to be in - a judge should and might order that SD not be allowed around the SO at all - but there's also that chance that a judge might just allow completely unsupervised visits for him.

Mrs. Proffitt, I hope BM loses interest again, and soon, for all of your sakes.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

MATTIE - you just explained the court system here to a T. He wanted to hear nothing last court date in march and sent BM and DH next door to do mediationa and if nothing was figurd out he said he would just do 50/50. he acts like he didnt even read up our history.. he is a new judge to the case... i wonder if we can ask for a diff one...? he is just wanting to throw the girl into her moms arms..


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

So when you all meet again to see how the 'trial' agreement is working out, you can work on the 'sex offender' visits and clarify better language as to how that part can and will proceed? Meaning, advance notice of 'event' and that 'event' must be workable for that day/time with Dad/Mrs.P ?

If Dad got himself into this trial period with such shabby knowledge of what it would and could actually mean when implemented (Mrs. P come right away, Grandpa Sex Ofender is here even though it's 9 pm at night. And oh, Daddy says he's spending the night and will sleep on the floor!)...I feel DH has no one to blame but himself and you should think about whopping him with a swift smack on the butt with a broom (not literally).

For Session #2 reporting of how it's working and rather it should be continued and/or needs tweaked DH/you need to pay close attention: 1)think of all the things it could mean but sane people would not actually try to get away with...then hit these areas just in case (example, what she's trying to pull off this weekend). 2) document exactly the hows and times the unthought ofs' actually did occur or tried to become reality (so you don't appear as the over reactive alarmist being the illogical unresponsible side) and 3) never underestimate what BM might actually think up and actually believe the agreement interpretates into. Cover all ground no matter how slight/remote the idea might be to normal rational people.

I'm not so sure this mediator worked too hard for 'child best interest'. BM's side has proven neglect/abuse charges, DCFS involvement, proven sex offenders and proven convicted drug offenders which is all documented and paper trail verified. Even a yahoo judge that might believe a mother should be the favored parent/side, can't chance totally ruling in her favor if actual chances are present that this child could be in clear and present danger. Sure, Grandpa might have changed, but is this judge really willing to put his/her name on the gamble?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

JustMeToo, if Mrs. P has the same system we do, the mediator's job has nothing to do with "best interests of the child". Their job is to help the parents come to an agreement - period. Our system is designed to help normal, reasonable parents who might be very angry with each other, but really do have their childrens' best interests in mind. Since most parents are not willing to gamble everything by going in front of a judge it works reasonably well for them (DH had one judge who told him and BM that if they could not come to an agreement he'd make sure that neither of them were happy when he was done ruling.)

The other issue is that "temporary orders" can last for years, and there is NO appealing of temp orders here, and any family court judge can issue a "temp" order at any time, for any reason. I don't know if you remember but that's what we were going through. BM had filed for contempt against DH because he was not adhering to the terms of a previous court order, and then told the judge that they had agreed to abide by those conditions. It was absolutely nonsensical - why would DH have gotten a later CO and then agreed to ignore it!? But, in a 15 minute proceeding judge decided to "split the difference" between the older CO and the newer one - and it took almost a year before DH and BM even got back into mediation - not a trial, just mediation (where they ended up agreeing).

If Mrs. P's DH's judge threatened to issue an order with 50-50 custody, at least here, he could have done exactly that - and since it sounds like it would have been a "temp" order, her DH would have had very little recourse until an actual hearing, which could take years, and then her DH would have been up against a status quo of 50-50 rather than the limited custody BM has now (and who knows what damage to SD?)

As for judge gambling on Grandpa - again, at least here, judges are elected, and it is very, very rare for them to lose their retention. And since the judge did it the way that he did, he doesn't have to worry about it - he doesn't have to fear the wrath of senior citizen voters who fear losing visitation with their grandchildren, nor does he have to worry whether Grandpa is a child molester. He completely passed the buck over to DH and BM.

If that's what Mrs. P's husband is dealing with, about all he can do is exactly what you suggested - try to tighten up the CO for the next hearing and think up every possible contingency and get it in there (DH's now has that SS is to have a set bedtime and not stay up until 4 or 5 AM, that BM is to have a bed available for him to sleep in by himself (and not with her), and that SS is never to be taken to prison to visit her BF.)

I was pretty horrified when I started realizing some of the details of how it all works here - it's fine for most people but for anyone dealing with a serious parenting problem it's a nightmare.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Ya we tried to get (have a bed) in the CO but she got out of that too... judge said he cant not allow her to see DD b/c of no bed.. just like he said about bed bugs... it is rediculous.. Our attorney agreed to certain things just so BM would "hang herself" probably because judge didnt want to hear anything of the past maybe now that its under his "trial" period it will make difference.. we will obviously have to deal with this for many years. once you think BM has matured - should have known better but i guess i just keep giving her the benifit of the doubt. She is now texting me i guess "yelling" because she is using CAPS but im just ignoring it. it is between dh and her. I do have some say - not in court but in my home with DH but i will NOT argue on this one... BM and I had come up with a nice schedule too for visitation if this trial period went well , DH liked it and so did our attorney and BM. then she pulled this BS


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I am sure that BMs problem is that you are the one calling the shots. Not DH and not BM but stepmom.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

--"JustMeToo, if Mrs. P has the same system we do, the mediator's job has nothing to do with "best interests of the child". Their job is to help the parents come to an agreement - period. "--

Not where I am. Mediator is trained to work with and to bring the parents together in a way that is 'in child's best interest'. Help with communication, compromise and to get the parents to see that what is best for parent/s may not be best for child. They are particularly trained to work with and help parents put their self issues aside and to focus on child... --"The Agreement shall further specify a procedure by which proposed changes, disputes and alleged breaches may be again mediated or otherwise resolved and shall provide for a periodic review of its terms by the parents"-- (clipped laws outlining the guidelines of parental plan agreements in my state) ...which is why I in my state would take a stance that there can and will be a 'session #2' for report, updates and tweaking for the 'agreed upon intial trial period'.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

DH calls the shot when it comes to final descisions he is the one to tell BM. And even if i were calling the shots that does not justify her choice to try and hide bringing sd to see sex offender. I am able to communicate with BM and does tell me things she wont tell dh. but as far as shot calling - its not my place.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

"BM and I had come up with a nice schedule too for visitation if this trial period went well , DH liked it and so did our attorney and BM."

I see an issue here, yes you are married to DH but he has legal responsibility for the child, not you. I agree with myfampg, it comes across that you are the one making decisions and calling the shots. DH and BM must make schedules not you. Maybe dad has difficulty making well-thought decisions (he agreed for you to accompany BM to see sex offfender?) but then his job is to learn, not delegate his responsibilities to you. It would be OK under semi-normal circumstances however these circumstances are nothing but normal.

It is nuts and crazy of BM calling DH names but I think it stems from him being so hands off, not even knowing what he is agreeing to or delegating his wife to do such horrible task as go see sex offenders.

Also if it is decided that SD should be allowed to spend time with sex offenders and someone must supervise, then it must be DH not you. I care about my SDs but I would have a huge problem driving an hour away accompany BM on outings with sex offenders and drug addicts.

Also is grandpa actually convicted registered sex offender, did he serve time, and what exactly did he do?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

JustMeToo, I am jealous! I just re-read our stuff on mediation and nope, no references to anything even approaching best interests of the child, just to have parents "be responsible for their own parenting decisions". That said, DH liked the mediator. He felt that she was very good about keeping conversation focused on SS and what was best for him. Then again, DH sometimes does contract negotiations at work and he went in knowing exactly what he wanted most, what he'd compromise on, and what he would not - and he was willing to walk and go to court if he didn't get his "must haves".

It may sounds strange but having Mrs. P in the middle (not in the middle of the SO thing but in the middle of working out schedules) is also not unheard of here - again, picture reasonable parents. My neighbor actually does this with their BM. BM and neighbor have no past history with each other, so they are able to have civil conversations about the child, whereas with BM and Dad it deteriorates into who did what to whom years ago and gets nowhere.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Yeah, my state has come a long way in turning focus on children issues on the children. We're finally not just blabbing about 'children first' but trying hard to make it so. We're still not perfect and I assume there is still much room for improvement but at least the statues have started being geared toward consideration of children not as property but real little humans with rights and deserving of 'best interest' for them.

I can't tell if it is so much a case in this thread of Mrs. P inserting herself and dominating the control as it might be that Mrs. P perhaps might be the only chance this little girl has of getting any 'best interest' and seeing things are carried through. If Dad and BM have little to no use for each other and Dad works until 7ish weeknights including Sundays, Mrs. P just might be the only one with a chance to get through to BM and oversee the transfer of child and knowledge of child's daily needs. I believe perhaps Mrs. P just might know this child better than child's parents do.

But I will agree that because of the absent BM and the majority of the time missing Dad that Mrs. P may have become to think of little girl has her own and have a bit of trouble walking the line. Can't say I really can blame her there. It's gotta be hard to be the major mommy and daddy role care giver here and then relinquish that role when it's time for mommy and daddy to step up and actually communicate and act the parents.

It would not surprise me to hear Mrs. P is the only one of the three that has much clue what this child's schedule is, what school work consist of and when it's due and/or done. Do the parents even know what this child eats for breakfast and lunch? With Dad working the afterschool visit to BM (who has no car or license) is going to fall on Mrs. P. Not such a bad idea Mrs. P be consulted as to if and when this is ok with her and if it works for her along with the other children's schedules.

Don't know about where Mrs. P is but here she would not have been invited into mediation if she was not either wanted or needed in the room...I have a hunch some of the 'agreement' hinged on Mrs. P being ok with arrangements and if the agreements would be possible at all. Here, if she was not a planned role in the discussion and inserted herself where she was troublesome or intrusive and not an active necessary player at meeting she would have been escorted out, door shut in her face and locked. But from what Mrs. P says, BM asks to deal with her and prefers it this way.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

We are going to mediation next month and this is a retired family court judge and ALL is set in the best interest of the child. And both spouses were ordered to be involved at the mediation by our current judge.

Mediation for us is to consist of developing a parenting plan and to set out guidelines/rules that we each must follow in hopes that we won't go on to final trial. If we go to trial because we can't work it out in mediation, the judge is going to decide what she thinks is best for OUR dd. I think we are the best ones to come up with a parenting plan rather than the judge tell us, this is what I am deciding for you weather you agree or not.

I am not optomistic because I know they will not agree to what I want... So I am betting we are going to trial.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

JUSTMETOO you said it so much better than i could have. Its like your in my head... and thank you because you just explained our situation.. BM is constantly calling ME texting ME she puts me in the middle not my DH.He tells me there is no hope for her so why bother. But i do bother... being a mother myself i just dont understand her thinking and the way she does things. I guess i feel like maybe i will rub off on her - stupid i know.I dont know where you are but I live in FL. It seems as if the judge could care less he just wants to be paid. He doesnt care to hear our side as to why we want certain things done a way or why we are concerned. All he hears is BM gets only 6 hours with her DD... Today SD and I were doing our easter eggs we made some really cute ones btw.. anywho - BM called MY phone and of course i let her talk to SD. I admitt i do keep it on speaker phone because she does tend to talk trash about us and i dont care she can have her opinion and think what she wants but nothing negative should be said about either parent from either parent. and DH or I would end the conversation. SD was busy doing her eggs and BM was very upset DD didnt really want to talk. She is 6 an expects her to just chit chat for hours. Her attention is just not like that. especially what your rambling on about how you have lost weight lol its just funny to me. BM tried to make SD feel bad for it but thankfully BM phone died then i just shut off my phone...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Unfortunately I think the judge kind of sees that a lot of things are knitpicky. Our judge was the same too. I complaint about some of the same little things that you complain about but they were SO huge to me and I couldn't understand WHY no one wa listening to me. Until I got a little older, took some classes, went to therapy, and finally listened to my attorney. Emotional abuse is SO hard to prove as is parental alienation. She can TRY to alienate the child but it's not considered alienation until the child is alienated and your sd does not appear to be alienated by BM onto you. You cannot punish for a crime that has not yet been committed. I kept trying to keep BD away from dd because I was trying to protect her from what I worried would happen. Until something happened, I had no right to try to protect dd from something that had not happened. I hope I'm making sense. I know our judge would rather the child have a relationship with both parents even if one parent is more fit or can provide a better 'schedule'. A better foundation for life ... But as long as she is OK they aren't going to keep her from her dad. I hate week day visits because they are messing with dd's education when homework isn't completed. But until I had proof that it was effected I haven't been able to do anything. Now I have documentation from the school that it's a problem my chances are better. I honestly believe that to have a parent in their lives that may not be up to our standards in parenting is better than having the parent gone forever.

As far as the sex offender aroun your SD -- does his probation prohibit him from being around children? Is he registered? I'm thinking that you can't keep sd from being around him without the judges ruling on that unless HIS probation states that he can't be around children. And if he can't be around children then you would def. Have grounds to stand on. If he has no restrictions, then what can you do? My ss's Sm was arrested for child endangerment but the charges were dropped. Once the charges were dropped the judge still ordered a 'cooling' off period which lasted 2 years... And then the step up program. She still endangered MY child. She was still arrested but never found 'guilty'. I hate that she is allowed to be near my child but there isn't anything I can do about it.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

He is registered. I dont know what he did.. i can look him up but it says some legal abbv. and then the age of 16/17 i dont the actual things he did and i was told he cant be around children frombm b/f but idk... is there a way to find out??


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I don't understand. Who was 16/17? he or his victim?

So you only know that he is not allowed around children from that same BF, not from any kind of legal authority? Does your lawyer have any info on that? I would ask your lawyer what grandpa's probation says. I would not base any decisions on what her BFs say, it has to come from a judge.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

PO1, he can't be 16/17 if he is BM's father and the six year old's grandfather. But yes, it's a bit confusing to follow some of the information about who is who in some of the postings.

Mrs. P, yes you can learn this information and some of it by online...but please do not share names and areas and details with us here. Saying you live in Florida is ok, but we don't need nor have a 'right' to know personal information. You have to be careful what one puts out online...sharing too much is just not a safe thing to do besides the fact it invades your privacy and may actually violate laws about invading someone else's privacy/rights or legal use of information learned.

With that said...

You can use the Florida Department Law Enforcement's site for Sexual Predators and Offenders (google it)You will find lots of helpful information and also a question and answer section about how you could obtain more. When offense fits the Florida guigelines/statutes these females/males are required to register for life. Status of person is shown also on this site. For example, it name and photo states 'released status' they still must register but are no longer under such and such sanctions. Florida laws still has some restrictions for even 'released' status. I just briefly viewed parts of the information...example work, school zones ect.

If your particular concerned of person is still under sanctions he/she has to follow the orders. There were phone numbers and information to report possible violations for authorities to investigate. It appeared to me that criminal history was public record and could be obtained (site states how).

Not to pick on you, Mrs. P, but DH and you really need to do a bit of your own informative gathering and stop relying on BM's BF for all your information. You just can't be certain how current and reliable Bf's information might be.

Also, even if this particular person is 'released status' you may still be able to work through your mediations to set agreements about person's access and visitations and supervisions of any. Your orders of agreement are going to be as strong and/or loose as DH can manage to get set agreements/arrangements to. I would have assumed DH's lawyer would ahve been aware of this person and history and was already informed as to his status and legal sanctions pre the meetings?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

LOL I understand one cannot be grandpa at 16. I didn't say he IS 16/17, I asked if he WAS 16/17 at the age of conviction.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I can gaurantee 100% that if my father was a sex offender my own attorney would warn me to stay clear of him while dd is in my care. I have a long long long time friend that used to smoke pot. I never did and she never did it around me. But while BD and I were married, I would complain about her and how irresponsible she was and so on... But by the time we got divorced she had cleaned up and although she never was around dd, I hung out with her. BD brought it to my attorneys attention trying to just cause me trouble. This person was never arrested and never had any criminal history but my attorney told me to never have dd around her - ever! I was offended. But he was looking out for me and more importantly for dd. I'm so confused that both attorneys are ok with sd having any kind of supervised visits with the sex offender... Especially if he is not allowed to be around children. I would take the advice above and do your own research. It's so easy to find information on the Internet these days and I would report him if you ever find out that he has been near sd. I would also NOT agree to supervise these visits even though you agreed to it in the mediation... I bet if DH is called up on contempt for not allowing sd around the sex offender, he will not be found in contempt.

Furthermore, if you agreed to it, if DH agreed I don't know why you are complaining.... I would get another attorney.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

the only source of information that grandpa is not allowed around children comes from BM's BF. Neither attorney seems to be aware of it. MrsP and her DH need to find reliable information that he truly is not CURRENTLY allowed around children as per judge, not as per BF.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I have done ALOT of research on her whole family because they have all been in trouble for all sorts of reasons. I do alot of reasearch with DH. B/f does not give that kind of info just what her plans are for sd per visit if he feels she might be doing somehin dangerous ( ex;goingto see her father) and living arrangment (ex-bed bugs)ect ect. he was complaining to me about BM bringing HIS dd over to see her father and thats when he told me that he doesnt know how BM thinks its ok since her father wasnt even allowed to see her (bm) when she was a minor. I have tried to look him up about being allowed around children i will have to call. We are only complaining because its easter sunday - a holiday -she is supposed to inform us of the visit which she didnt - we cant go to where he lives which is an hour away. He should come here to visit since we need to supervise. This was all part of attorneys plan to show BM willingly allows dd around potentially dangerous people. I am going to look him up more about the stipulations of him being around children. He has to register every year and his victim was 16/17. Trust me DH and I do so much research - i check her family (the convicted backround ones) every month on our county jail site. we try to always stay on top of things ebcause you never know...also - im not using names which is probably why its hard to follow.. im not used to using DH BM SD LOL plus my keyboard is going to crapola and only types half my letters.. sorry for the confusion....


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

You need to find out if her dad is not allowed around kids NOW, BM was a minor long time ago so maybe things changed.

Also I don't understand why and how BF allows his child to go see sex offender if he is supposedly not allowed around kids? Did BF call the police that grandpa is breaking the law by seeing young children? If BF didn't call the police, then he is condoning violating the law and doesn't mind putting his child in danger, unless of course grandpa IS allowed around children.

I don't know how you are surviving all this day by day, my head is spinning just reading this, what a nightmare.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Her b/f is not very smart I cant make excuses for him.. New update - BM said she is staying in town with her mom not going out of the county to see b/f family and her father (b/f family i guess lives minutes away from her dad which was why she was i guess going to visit both) so dh told my attorney and she said offer her DD at 4pm untill 7pm. If she says no then she is obviously still going out of town.. SHE SAID NO!! but atleast we covered out butts with offereing!


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Aww totally makes sense now. My attorney ALWAYS does things to get BD to 'hang himself'. Like dd's school project he told me to let bd know about it and then when it wasn't done, he considered that BD 'hanging' himself. We always allow BD extra time or we give in to his requests to show that we are cooperating and when he tells
Me NO... He isn't cooperating... So that makes complete sense now.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

"Her b/f is not very smart"-that's for sure, LOL that made me laugh,

glad SD stayed home, but isn't it bizarre mom did not even care to have her for 3 hours


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

It was bizzar.. I thought for sure she would pick her up or have us drop her off. It did prove the fact that she was still going out of town... When we called for SD to talk to her all she wanted to know was what she got no happy easter or anything.. SD told her we got her a real chic... we didnt!! but she insisted to BM we got her a REAL baby chic... i wonder why..? just a kid thing??


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I think SD is probably upset BM does not care about her so she wants to brag a bit what dad got her. Baby chic sounds more impressive than what real stuff she got...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Kids exaggerate. Totally normal. We went through this when dd was your sd's age. You have to correct her and make her tell the truth so she can see that what she is doing is LYING... And that it's wrong. I have a niece who did this and her mother didn't care she laughed at knowing my brother was hearing of all these extravagant gifts... And now at 15 the girl can't tell a lie from the truth-- she believes everything that comes to her mind as the truth. Honestly, all it will take is for one time you get BM on the phone in front of SD and say oh SD needs to tell you that we did not get her a chick ... And so here she is to tell the truth. The embarrassment alone will stop that at her young age. Worked for me!


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I must admitt i thought it was pretty funny even though i know its not.. we got her one of those chics with sensors tht peep when its on your hand.. she was begging for a real chic but we cant have that at our apartment other wise i would be so with it! lol I figured i would wait unill bm asked dh about it... Your right i should have her tell BM. She lies to her mom alot actually about normal everyday stuff , were you good in school "ya" what kind of homework did you have "math' when it was spelling.. just real petty stuff... She was arguing with BM tonight on the phone idk what about but she kept flat out telling mom NO..


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Today was BM first after school visitaion. She arrived 25 min late to bring her home. To top it off after checking SD homework 10 answers were wrong and DH had to fx them with her. I asked BM why half her homework was wrong and she assured me its no big deal and she wanted her to play with her sister - she said she wants to be the nice mom... NICE?? SD is failing and her homwork is no big deal? We work so hard with SD reading ,homework and tutoring and 1 day of homework is to much for you MOM??? I told her im done trying to teach her to be a good mom - i feel like im always fighting you(bm) to do whats best for her ie: a bed , no bed bugs , no druggies or sex offenders and now i have fight to prove the importance of her education?!? i told her IM DONE I have been doing it for 3 years whats another tuesday... yes maybe i took it to far but dh and i have had it! told her maybe after school visits are not whats best for DD.... she went to bed 40 min late because dh and sd had to fix her homework.. plus , trying to explain to sd why we had to fix them in the first place since mommy said it was right.... ugh...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Oh I'm sorry. You are right. Week nights won't work... This is my same issue... Good for you for telling BM to be a MOM!!!


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

My mom said i should have photo copied her homework... to bad i didnt think of that.... I told BM its ok you be the nice one and i will be the mean one and make her do her HW right - i will be the one appreciated in the long run


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I wonder what Bm thinks will be 'nice' about letting her daughter go off to school and then getting the paper back with an 'F' on it? Poor kid. Here she was thinking Mom helped me, it's done and correct and Mommy is so 'nice' I even got to play too. Then teacher hands back that big old red circle 'F'. What he heck is 'nice' about that? Mom helped me to get an 'F'.

Pfft. Document the homework next time and keep notes about how the one day a week afterschool visits are going. Don't forget to note that Mommy wants to play 'nice' and to heck with the homework and/or if it's done correctly and that chld learns how to do it correctly.

Might as well resign yourself to this one day a week things are going to have to be taken out and checked and likely re-done.

You mean ol' evil stepmommy you, how dare you not want to make this child happy and be nice and let child flunk. (snark intended)


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

My ex actually told me once that he didn't want to be pushy with school stuff (and DD didn't even need help with HW) because he does not see her during the week and has her over the weekends only (fun times) and doesn't want to be a mean dad. Nice, so because I have her during the week i have to be a mean mom? what a stupid logic.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I know im such a meanie... How pathetic though - she is the one who faught so hard to be apart/involved with her school... we didnt beg you!! Do the right thing... Granted , homework with SD is very hard she does have some sort of learning disability we are still trying to determine what and to what extent.. keyword "WE" as in step mom and daddy.. i remember in kindergarten we got SD put into speech therapy because seriously you couldnt understand a word... it was aweful - she has improved so much. Anywho - when we told BM about it we got harped on about how she doesnt need it she is just fine! To bad the speech therapy teacher didnt agree huh - everyone is wrong and BM is right... I could only imagine what SD would be like if she lived with BM this whole time.. Not a pretty sight. GOSH i just dont get how a mom could be this ignorant. Makes me realise how blessed i am to have such a wonderful mom who now that I am older is my best friend... I gice my kids an extra kiss at bedtime because I KNOW i will never put them through anything remotely close to this. One thing is for sure though - she is hanging herself!!


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Mrs. P, I have another take on this. It struck me as a bit odd that BM would go to the trouble of making sure homework was done (unless SD did that on her own) but not making sure it was done correctly. (Our BM simply would not have had SS do it at all.) Do you think BM was perhaps not aware that the answers were wrong? I realize "first grade homework, even a really stupid adult can help with that" - but not necessarily.

Plus, the kids seem to get such weird homework now - you've been seeing it every day so you're used to the strange "move imaginary shaded blocks around instead of just memorizing addition facts" kind of thing, but if BM hasn't seen it before, she may have been at a complete loss. I know I had days of wondering what on earth they were trying to get the kids to do...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

There may be something to your thought, Mattie. Since 1st grade school level worksheets are readily available online to print out, it might be helpful to print some out for BM and SD to work on. Maybe during the weekend visits when there is additional time to do the 'fun/nice' things and still practice together on the studies.

I remeber DD in 1st grade was assigned homework every night including some for weekends. It was nothing 'hard', but it'd been years since my youngest son had been in 1st grade. What was coming home was indeed sheets with doing things and multi things at once in one sheet that seemed 'what the heck, why are they doing it this way' to me. I mean I understood it of course and could get correct answers but DD and I were arriving at answers differently. Both the same answer but not arriving at it in same manner nor using same language to call the method. Where I and my older children learned one thing basically at a time, DD was multi tasking her learning through a single sheet all at once. I did have to sometimes hit the internet for teaching instructions so I could explain to daughter exactly what she was to be learning from this sheet but also so I could use the same term for method that her teacher would be using in class. Several times I would ask the teacher to send home the math book so I could see the way the book wanted DD to grasp the lesson and use the terms teacher would be using in class during lesson. It did me little good to sit down and 'help' DD if we were tackling it in different directions or calling it different terms...we sometimes could not communicate the common goal of not just the right answer but how to get it.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Good points. I am An accountant? How I don't know but for the life of me I can't figure out 4th grade math. And it's not because I'm dumb it's because dd says I don't do it the same as they teach her and she has to show her work ... And they won't allow parents to help. In first grade dd never got graded. They were like E for effort I for incomplete U needs work etc in second they started number and letter grading A B C
I remember that the teachers wanted to know if dd was getting the answers wrong so they could help her more if needed.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I am with mattie on this, I thought the same thing but was lazy to post. BM does not sound highly educated to me. I love my SIL but she cannot help no one with any school work, when my niece-9 needs help she waits for my brother to come home.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I understand your points - trust me i do and i thought thought about... but really? Blak? she knows there is a C in black - best of all black wasnt even an option!!. Burn and fun rythme?... really?... there was a picture of an arm - SD wrote cart... now I know BM knows it was an arm... there was a dog and SD wrote HAND... really? sorry i dont think she took the time to do it with SD so SD rushed so she could play - cant expect a child to really sit down and do HMW at the park...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Exactly!! At MrsP it's so important that you stress to either BM or attorney that right now homework is paving the way for future homework. Homework in elementary is not of any benefit except to get the kids into a routine of having homework so when high school even jr high come, it's not a shock.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Very true and practice is so important because she is not doing well in school. tutoring is already over so homework is all we have ya know. Right now BM is telling SD that next time she wants her to better on her HM um... SHE NEEDS HELP not just told here go do it... I wish there was a law that made it legal to slap stupid people... sorry... didnt mean that ;)I told my attorney and she just said 'bear with it for now" so im hoping she has something up her sleeve....


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I see... yes these kind of stuff BM should be able to do but I wonder why SD did everything wrong herself. I know you said she is struggling, has she been evaluated for disability, if not it might be time...wrote cat for arm? That's pretty extreme.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

She could be doing it to get MORE one on one with mom. If I do it wrong mom will have to sit with me longer and not pay attention to everyone else... I know kids that do this. When they only get 'negative' attention they keep acting up to get whatever attention they can.

My dd is gifted and makes straight A's but it always seems to be the most hectic nights that she 'neeeeeds' me to help. Especially is my 3 yr old is being needy.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

SD may have been doing it to try to get attention - or BM may have told her to "just write anything and get it done". I'm familiar with those drawings for spelling, and they are pretty bad - but confusing a dog with a hand or an arm with a cart(!) is a bit much.

"but really? Blak? she knows there is a C in black " LOL! I wouldn't count on it. I am truly astonished how badly some people spell.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

ya i know! Well if it is for attention BM needs to open her eyes and realise DD would appreciate help with her hmw and that attention is better then any form she is obviously getting now. B/F informed me last night that Grandma and Aunt are moving out and BM doesnt even make close to the amount to cover rent and bills (rent is 675).. ok... and you want me to do what? In a previous post a few days maybe even a week ago i mentioned how i do look at the good in BM i mentioned BM had lived in her apartment for a year. Before that apartment she lived in 9 places in only a year. She is very unstable. She moved out of her apartment she had for a year in march. Now she is about to lose it or move again... no stability...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

But isn't that what you wanted? Aunt and grandma or at least aunt out? Do you expect her to be able to provide a home that is as stable as yours without help from family? I lived with my parents after my divorce because I could not afford to have a place of my own where dd could have her own room too. Not In a safe, clean place AND paying for child care. So my parents provided me with two rooms in their home where we were safe and clean and happy and BD and Sm were still unhappy. They wouldn't be happy until I was homeless and dd lived with them fulltime and being homeless meant no visitations. So at the time, living with my folks was all I could afford to do... Family help family. Just saying


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

yes we wanted aunt out. For the 3 1/2 years I have been in my relation with my husband and with my SD never once has she lived on her own. I undertand needing help but she is an adult with 2 kids a "degree" or whatever they get i guess certificate for CNA or something yet she wants to work at a seafood market. Did you plan to live with your family forvere? We wanted aunt out for the drugs - grandma is annoying but we dont care if she is there we rather her be there because she can atleast keep an eye on things. B/F says they are both leaving because they are tired of her sh*t.... She doesnt pay her share of the bills or keep her room clean he said idk. He is moving out too... Ever since she wanted to take SD to see her father her family has been fighting with her. I believe thats what started the whole "moving out" situation. If she does struggle i would say there are so many ways to get help here. there is HUD housing for low income fmailies but she already had that and was kicked off the prgram in 2 months.. MYFAMPG - if you had that oportunity would you have screwed that up? nice home in a nice area RENT FREE?? i know i wouldnt have. Basically my point is - i do not have pitty for her. I dont feel bad she is about to be left in the cold. Obviously her family is finally over the whole situation. In the 3 years this is the second time her fmaily has done this and BM went to live with her friend - her friend had sent me an email how she is kicking her out because her electric bill went form 70 to 140 and BM refuses to help. She burns her bridges and soon no one will want to help her. Cant say i blame them either...


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

There is a difference between "helping" and "enabling".

Mrs. P, I wonder if maybe you could start a new thread whenever there's an update (please!). This one's getting so long....


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Everyone's situations are different. Yes I would have stayed as long as I had to. But the only reason I moved out was because I married my current husband. Without his income, I don't know where I would live.

Don't knock the seafood market... Where exactly do you work again? Oh that's right... BM is working crappy job while you are stay at home
Mom to her daughter ... Not knocking you but be careful knocking what kinds of jobs are 'good enough' or not. A job is a job.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

Mrs. P, going to go out on the edge and suggest BM was not too overly successful as an CNA. Not up on Florida guidelines for certification but it is not a long deal and many here use it as a step on up into LPN and up. Gives them a chance to work while continues to attend schooling.

This BM may not have met standards of care or any number of things to make her cease working through her certification. She also has to keep her training and certificate up to date.

It is not an easy job to do and they are the heavy lifting and 'dirty' work. I don't know what BM's case is but many who begin there are not cut out for it. It takes a dedicated caring person especially in certain settings. Pay to start (depending on area) is not all that great either...yes more than min. wage but starters won't start out earning much. A lot of the younger single mothers up here do start out doing the CNA courses as they have to train as they can enter the work force to be able to continue on with state support and assistance.

Sad as it might be some of moms have a hard time once they do train and begin...if they begin to earn too much for assistance benefits are affected, yet they might not make enough to cover all living expense. The goal is to get them started and then the ladies move on and up into a nursing career.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

True, Myfam. I work, my ex's GF stays home... so when my DD is there she is SAHM. If she said word one about the job(s) I work I'd be livid.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I supported our family for 2 years working at a gas station. My husband was laid off and i did it. I am a stay at home mother because after paying child care for 2 kids what would i have left? nothing. Seafood market fine but when she doesnt have money dont call my husband(which she has). she has never used her certificate as a CNA. Why waste her time and the states money of schooling TWICE and not use it? I worked 65 hours a week - if it benifited our family i would be working - trust me. Being home all day can be drepressing. If the job you have does not help support your family or help you to be on your own feet why not atleast attempt looking for another? Why always depend on others? Like i said i just have no pitty for her. This weekend is SD first overnight and I will pack her a bag b/c BM doesnt not have pk's or toothbrush ect.. Hope it goes well , i dont feel as worried about it as i thought i would... probabaly just come to realise its out of our control....


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myfampg

Myfampg, help is nice when it is available but i do not see why is it so difficult to provide a stable living for ONE child when you are single? Plenty of people do it even without child support.

There is no requirement to live in a fancy house but it is affordable to rent 2 bedroom apartment for a single prson with a child. I got divorced DD was 4, and i rented 2 bedroom apartment (in a very nice upscale neighbourhoods) most of my adult life, my ex rented a two bedroom apartment by himself as well until DD was 11 and he purchased condo and got into long term relationship.

I don't think it is necessary or common to move in with family members after you divorce, maybe if you have many kids, but one?


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I agree with others, bad idea to critisize where people work. I live in the area of high unemployment and people work anywhere they can get a job no matter what qualifications they have.

Mrs. P how and why is working on a gas station is better than working in a seafood market is beyond me???

You don't know why she didn't use her ceritification. I know older lady who is a waitress, she got her dental assistant's credentials, she struggled all the way though and when she was done and started working she realized it was nto for her, she couldn't cope, so she went back to waitressing.

I understand BM is a mess but I see a lot of unreasonable judgements being passed


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

I agree with you for the most part PO1 except there are other little things that aren't considered. I started working a low paying job for the first time when I divorced exdh... And I didn't make enough for childcare, my rent, utilities and the vehicle I got stuck with. I ended up moving in with my parents not long after I rented a 2 bedroom apartment. I'm against well fare so I won't go in to that. Why not let my parents help me than have the tax payers pay my way if my parents were offering the help. AND it was major brownie points with the judge honestly. She liked that my parents were helping me. I brought home $700 ever two weeks and daycare was $200/week.... Get my drift? Not much room to eat..

I don't think everyone's situation is the same.


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RE: drained stepmom pt2

that makes sense myfampg. I hear you. I guess i didn't consider different circumstances in everyone's situation. I just thought you were saying no one can support themselves as a single parent without living with family. That didn't make any sense to em. I was a single parent my whole life, I NEVER remarried and only recently moved in with SO (DD was long gone and on her own).

I lived alone with DD since she was 4 and I had no problem providing stable home in a stable place. Not everyone lives with a man or is married and has 2 incomes. Some of us stayed single and raise the kids/kid just fine. I didn't even date most of my life. BM is trash, uneducated loser, not every BM is like this.

I guess I took your post personally.


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