Does Matt act up in your home like he does at his mother's? Children don't always handle change very well and young children don't always know know how to express their feelings. Matt needs a way to let go of his anger/frustration. Let him bound on play-do, spin like crazy on a Sit-n-Spin, punch one of those inflatable punching bags.....once he had some time to get out the frustration, give him a big hug and see if he is ready to talk.

I used to give my son pillows to hit. Kids that age can't always verbalize how they feel and when their parents get serious with someone, there is probably a lot of fear and anxiety over what will happen with them. That is also true when they have other children added in. (BF's kid or if BM has another kid with BF)

If he's only acting that way at his mom's house, he is probably trying to get mom's attention. It doesn't mean the only stress is coming from mom's house, but he needs to be reassured by both parents and both parents need to be consistent with him. The more consistency in his routine and schedule, it may help him feel more secure about some things in his life.

Being inconsistent with rules is also a big thing. Each house can have their own rules but when a parent within one house isn't consistent in enforcing the rules, the child won't know what to expect. They may test them a lot when they think they can get away with something because it worked before. (it's easy to cave when you are tired, stressed out or change your mind into thinking it's not really a big deal, but that tells the kid that you might change your mind. Then they will test you more hoping for the same results.)

Am I reading into this, or are you concerned there is abuse in that house?

If you don't think there's abuse, and you and BioMom have a friendly relationship, I'd just express your support, and volunteer to support her efforts in your home so Matt can see that his two families are actually a united and secure front. If you and BioMom aren't friendly, Dad can certainly do it. The idea is just to have the same rule, to the extent possible, and the same types of discipline strategies. It's possible to have a successful stepfamily without them -- just harder.

Kristina,

I am a beleiver in forcing kids to clean up room, do homework, etc, but also a big beleiver in you cant make someone go to therapy. It just wont work unless your heart is in it, and you want to be happier.

WOW! Thank you everyone for your insightful and speedy responses!!!

First of all, we don't have any reason to believe that there is any abuse going on at mom's house, for the simple reason that if there was Dan would have been gone already. Claudia is a great mom and keeps her kids well-being as her top priority, so we have put that aside.

Matt is a very active boy he loves running, biking, etc... I defininately like the idea of him having a punching bag or using his pillow to redirect his anger and we will try that. Also, I think instead of talking (because Steve has tried that several times) we might try having him act out how life is at his mom's with some dolls he and his sister often play with.

His behaviour could also be related to losing his place as 'man-of-the-house' since Dan moved in (before that it was just mom and the kids for several months). Also, after their seperation mom let the boundaries loosen up and the kids got away with a lot of stuff that they shouldn't have, maybe she has tried enforcing more rules since she has been with Dan; which would be very normal for the kids to resist by misbehaving... Plus Claudia has told us that when she has had enough and can't take it anymore, she sends Dan in to speak to the kids; for sure this doesn't gain her any respect in the eyes of the kids or help her cause...

With their step-sister visiting (I don't know how often she is there each week), it could very well be that Matt wants more attention from his mother, however, I don't think the epsides happen while she is visiting.

To answer the questions that were asked:

Matt is fine at our house, he knows the rules and follows them, otherwise he knows the consequences. Just normal kid stuff, but we have never seen the fits that his mother has descibed to us.

As far as rules go, I don't know all of the rules at Claudia's house, but the kids even tell us that mommy's house is mommy's house and daddy's house is daddy's house; so they understand that not all of the rules are the same between the houses. Maybe that is something we could work on between houses, check for consistency within the two house holds.

Claudia and I have an okay relationship, we talk when the kids are dropped off and we have spoken on the phone a few times, but we aren't really at the sitting together for coffee while the kids play yet... Also, I am careful not to give her any advice about the kids, as she has expressed to Steve that the kids are not mine and I don't have any business making decisions regarding the kids (this was awhile ago, but I will wait until she asks fro my two sense; until then I am perfectly happy to filter my ideas and suggestions through Steve). Steve and I have both expressed our support to Claudia.

We spoke to Claudia today to get the details about the therapist and she said that she found it helpful, but she won't be going back as she feels it will only be repetitive.

I think that covers everything, thank you again for all of your kind advice, great ideas and support!

Kristina

I'm glad Claudia went on to therapy without him; for kids that age, helping the parents help the child is probably more important than the child going himself. When they are not too verbal and introspective and haven't yet reached abstract thought, therapy is limited. However, there can be a big pay off for a parent to go to therapy to learn how to be a more effective parent. If you've noticed on those Nanny shows, the Nanny mostly trained the parents, not the kids. Even if she's not going back, she found something helpful from the session.

That said, you have to kind of disengage. You can't manage Claudia's house and your own. Even if you think another path (continued therapy, or therapy for Matt) is better. I know it's tempting to get involved, but it's not necessarily wise. Boundaries are valuable for all relationships, particularly so for blended families. This area is a mine field, tred carefully. Trust that Claudia is a good mom and loves her children and will do whatever is necessary to help them. Getting too involved can backfire on you.

I guess I don't see this as a crisis. Even kids in families that don't have divorce and new spouses go through periods of turmoil. Kids often act out in the places they feel safest and most loved; it may not mean that there's a problem with her and Dan's home or their parenting; it may mean that that's just that he feels is the safest place he can express himself. Trust Claudia to manage well and that she will let you know what you can do to help once she knows herself.