I dont get along with my step daughter
pennylane73
15 years ago
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nutbunch
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
I can't stand my step-daughter
Comments (30)I kind of agree with TOS. I was 14 when my dad and stepmom married. I love my stepmom dearly. But if she had stepped into my life and declared that my housekeeping skills, table manners, etiquette, personal hygiene, and manner of dress were all lacking even if it were objectively true, I would not have been receptive. Or if she had stepped in and tried to "share" her interests rather than getting to know me and learning what mine were. I suspect you got off to a bad start with your stepdaughter. I'm sure you meant well, but the mere fact that she told you that you might be able to change her dad, but not her, suggests that what you saw as "help", she saw as "criticism" and as you trying to change who she is. If you are interested in my opinion, I would suggest that you back off. The two of you have decades of dealing with each other ahead of you. Try to start over, and take it more slowly this time. Let the relationship develop naturally between the two of you, rather than try to force it into whatever mold or expectations you had in mind that it should be because you married her father. You may still find that you don't particularly like each other as people, but you may also find that without the expectations or pressures of parent/child issues, you get along just fine. She is spending time with, and taking advice from, mature members of your church congregation? How could this possibly be a bad thing? I understand that your feelings are hurt that she is not seeking *your* advice, but while I am sympathetic, that is your issue not hers. Do you want to be told whose advice you should be taking? I think that for the sake of your future relationship, if you haven't already done so, you need to completely back off from trying to help or advise her and simply let this girl find herself. Then get to know who she turns out to be... with no expectations of what kind of relationship will develop. Just let it happen naturally....See Morestep parent and child not getting along
Comments (14)I had a similar problem with my DD at about the fourish age.. she still has bouts every now and again but for the most part she seems to have grown out of it. And, this was absolutely not a result of divorce poisoning since her bd is no longer alive and hasnt been since she was two...but anyways I will have to Completely disagree with Kathline on this one... perhaps my dd is just a handful but she was fully capable of coming to me to tell me something happened or S said this or that that never happened...(and I did get suspiscous and start to investigate just in case but when she started lieing about conversations that I had overheard... I knew what was up) She also would do the crying for no reason and would be up my rear as soon as I would get home from work. I would come home and my DH would be in the room talking to her about something and everything would be fine until she saw me and then the water works. My DH was very upset by all of this and for a moment started to pull away from her. The only way that things changed was when I looked at how I reacted to it. Everytime she would cry I would ask what's wrong and try to get her to tell me why she was crying (attention!!) and when she would tell me things about DH I would go and ask him what really happened and then go back to her (attention!!) When I stopped playing into it ... she stopped. I know most of it had to do with her now sharing her mom with five other people and I am a fairly laid back person.. I grew up as the oldest of four in a cramped house that usually had all kinds of extra folks...like my cuz who lived with us on and off... so I am used to loud crazy atmospheres with lots of jokes lots of insults lots of everyone talking on top of everyone else... but my husband is not... he cant take the loud noise and he insists on no mam and no sir or vice versa.. so she was adjusting to having another adult in the house that did play like mom does and then on top of that she was not the "golden child" anymore (she was the only grandchild niece great grand etc etc) she had to share with three other kids... But, I started ignoring the crying when I would come home... I would just pop in to say are you hurt? oh well then cant be that bad get done whatever DH asked you to do... and when she would tell me something that wasnt true I would ask Dh infront of her if that was true ... and she would get punished accordingly usually go sit on your bed for x amount of time and then we will talk about again later (because ofcourse by that time the water works started).. It took awhile for her to realize that I wont play her game anymore and she is doing much better these days... But, not to say this is the case with your daughter because there is some divorce poison going on but even without it that can happen... I think the best thing to do is to change how you and your DH react to it and I think that mom2emall had a few good suggestions....See MoreGetting Tired of Lazy Step-Daughter
Comments (55)Seems like your step daughter does more than mine. Mine just attends school. My wife has a co-parenting situation where the child goes back and forth between homes. But her daughter left the biological dad’s place permanently after she turned 18 because she hates her step-mom. So she moved in with us permanently. We taught her how to drive and bought her a 16 thousand dollar car so she can drive herself to college. She’s 21 now and a junior in college but she doesn’t do much around the house. Free food. Free housing. She only takes care of her room, bathroom and takes out the kitchen trash. She doesn’t cook because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t do dishes and leaves her dishes for me or her mom to do. On her free time she just watches tv and hangs out with her friends eating expensive food that her mom gives allowances for. So many other things I probably forgot to list it all. I feel bad for my wife because she does everything for her. I’m pretty nice and always lets it slide but at times it makes me frustrated. However to keep peace in the home I never say anything to my step daughter. I’m hoping one day she realizes how much we do for her and not take advantage of our kindness. Im not sure either because ive heard her say its the adults who have to mak sacrafices. but she is an ault herself. she has voiced that she is living with us forever. i hope not. I hope she finds a good partner or a rich husband because she has voiced that she does not want to work. Why waste money gojng to college then? And yes we pay for some of her college tuition. Because her dad will not eventhough he’s supposedly rich for the gram. she says her dad is struggling because he has 2 more little babies with the new wife to take care of. But just because he chose to have another life doesnt mean he throws out his other kid like trash for someone else to pick up....See MoreGetting a spoiled step-daughter to 'get a life'
Comments (16)Thanks for all of the advice (support). You know, when I originally posted this, I thought I was going to be reamed as "selfish" and trying to isolate my wife from her own daughter. (mostly, because that is what I get from my own wife if I try to bring up the subject). Unless I tread very lightly, I get a backlash. My wife seems to have to talk with her daughter at least by cell phone every SINGLE day. For example, when we got back from a dinner, she immediately got on the phone. I asked if she was calling her daughter. She looked at me and said, "Yes, do you have a problem with that?" (in a not very pleasant tone). I know that if I push, I know who the winners will be. If I make my wife choose between me or her family - I know I will be left out in the cold. I don't want it to come to that point, b/c it is a lose-lose situation. But I am getting tired of my wife putting first her own adult child, then her family, then her job, and then, finally, me. By the time she gets to me - there's not much left. I can't change her priorities, I know that. But I continue to try, try to treat her like I would like to be treated, hoping, that things would turn around. Trying to be the good, supportive husband. Give her freedom. But things with her daughter seem to be getting more and more co-dependent. The 3 times a week visits are becoming a routine. She even puts off things that need to be done around the home until she is not with her daughter - so she's usually busy when we finally have alone time. And don't get me wrong, I'm not into my wife has to be a maid... but I can only do so much by myself with my work schedule... For example, instead of doing laundry every Wednesday like she used to do when her SD was away at school, now she runs around town with her daughter all day Wednesday. Now, she does the laundry Sunday morning before her daughter comes over - which is basically our only possible quality time together. This is why I need so desperately for her daughter to "get a life" of her own without needed to breast feed so often....See Morenivea
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8 years ago
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