I understand how a 12 year old isn’t going to take kindly to a new woman in her father’s life, taking his attention. She was just a child, with not many friends who clung to a father more than happy to make her 100% reliable on him.
She had had Bob’s attention all her life – she wasn’t going to relinquish that easily.
Bob also has a son 8 years younger than SD who this closeness did not apply to.
I have 3 children.
During those earlier years, there were many upsets and arguments – too many to list here, but Daisy was almost always at the bottom of it. Her resentment wasn’t just aimed at me, but also at my children and on occasions, even her own brother. She would delight in ‘tell-taling’ and getting the others into trouble. Bob always picked fault with my kids – they could never do anything right, and if they ever did, there would be no praise from Bob. I don’t want to sound like ‘poor me’ in all this, and looking back I don’t understand why I let it happen. I spent my life trying to keep Bob happy. He spent his life keeping Daisy happy.
Into her teenage years SD continued to spend large amounts of time with Bob – she used to take him shopping a lot, get him to take her and pick her up from places, used him as a bank and a taxi service. If ever I dared to protest I would be aggressively accused of jealousy. During this time I am convinced Daisy made Bob promise her never to have a child with me and never to marry me.
I accused him of it once and he never denied it.
Among all the debris that it would take a book to describe, there are one or two incidents that hurt me beyond measure and that stick in my mind to this day.
I had bought Bob a shirt for Christmas. Everyone said how great it looked on him. I made a casual remark that he could wear it for Daisy’s 18th (planned for end Jan). Lo and behold, a few days before the party Daisy asks Bob to take her shopping, and yes, she makes him buy a shirt to wear for her 18th. I asked Bob which shirt he would wear. He snapped, ‘Daisy’s – does it matter???’
It mattered to me. It was typical behaviour. We had a row. Next thing Bob tells me, ‘Daisy doesn’t want you to come to her 18th.’
So Bob went off happily with Daisy to the 18th leaving me at home.
(I must admit, I sat at home drinking vodka until I was quite drunk – took the shirt out of the wardrobe – cut it into a thousand pieces – put it in a carrier bag – walked down to the party venue and sent the carrier bag into Bob with my best wishes. I know it wasn’t a very mature thing to do, but it made me feel better!)

We did get married after 9 years of being together. I admit I pushed him into it because he said he wasn’t ready. I moved into the spare room until he WAS ready. He was ready in 3 days.
I pushed him because I wanted that commitment from him – my mum was in poor health and I wanted her to see us married – and I felt we’d been together quite long enough for it.
I was hoping Daisy would meet someone and then the torture would end.
We did have a bit of a break when she took to going out, meeting boys etc. During the time when Daisy left school at 16, to aged 18, she got herself into £13,000 worth of debt with credit cards and loans. Naturally Bob wanted to bail her out. We took a second mortgage on our house (we were having improvements, the garden etc done too) so we lent her £10,000 of that.
Eventually she met someone and got engaged. She extracted almost all the cost of the wedding from us bit by bit. To cut a long story short, she managed to buy an ex council flat for a discount price of £54,000. House prices were soaring then. When she eventually wanted to move the flat was worth £96,000. I thought ‘great, we’ll get our money back.’ She had other ideas, and told me, ’If we pay you back, we won’t be able to get the house we want.’ I said it would still need to be paid. We needed it.
She went ahead with the house without mentioning the loan again. Another big fall -out for Bob and I. I insisted she pay it back. In the end she borrowed it and she did pay it back – but she hated me even more for that.
I could go on and on with endless anecdotes like that, but I’ll fast forward to the present.
She is now 31 years old with 2 children. If I ever thought things would improve when she had her own family I must have been deluded! With the added leverage 2 little cherubs provide, my life turned from a bad dream to a nightmare.
She has always been more like a wife than a daughter to Bob. They confide in one another – he tells her about the disagreements we have and any other of our business. She discusses her husband and her daily life with him. He runs my children (now grown up) down to her and lets her know any gossip about them. This, in effect, has divided the family.
If they don't see one another they are phoning & texting several times a day. He often visits her without telling me - also he has always giving her money. Couple years ago he paid her mortgage 2 months in a row - £700 per time - in secret. I found out completely by chance.
There was big trouble over that - and he promised not to go behind my back again.
Since then - he just does things he thinks I won't find out. He tells me he feels like 'piggy in the middle' and I can see that he thinks if he keeps us both separate, that's the answer.
He has admitted she hates me - not that I've ever said a bad word to her (although she knows I have certainly complained loudly about her to her Bob because he tells her). My biggest crime is being with her dad.
I will admit the feeling is mutual and I cannot stand her.
I did make an effort in the early days but it was like banging my head on a brick wall. I have also asked myself if I am just jealous – yet other people can also see the manipulation.
She made Bob buy her 4 year old a mobile phone for giving up his dummy. I thought they meant a toy phone until they got back from the shop. Yep! A real mobile phone for a 4 YEAR OLD!!!

Daisy married a very weak man whom she dominates completely. I can’t see any love there, but she seems to do, say and buy things so that she can feel ‘normal’ (she’s now weighs approx 25 stone – that’s 350 pounds). I have often felt sorry for her for being that overweight, yet she lost a lot of weight for her wedding, then piled it back on again. She even admitted to drinking a bottle of wine every night while she was pregnant. Needless to say, my sympathy bouts don’t last long.

I used to think she was highly manipulative and my husband was just weak and feeling 'guilty' for 'leaving' the children when his marriage broke up.
I now think that my husband is doing exactly what he wants to do - has probably ruined his daughters life - and actually enjoys having the both of us 'fighting over him'.
It all came to a head at the beginning of November 2008.
Daisy had again blamed my son for something she had done. Bob started on him and ended up calling him, ‘a ****ing lazy B*****d’.
I snapped and ashamed to say I smacked Bob around the head. It was as if 19 year’s worth of frustration and anger came out in that moment. The sheer force of my feelings frightened me. I realised I could not afford to ever get into that state again. I moved into the spare room. After 5 weeks I moved out. I didn’t tell him I was going – he would have stopped me and more importantly, stopped me taking the computers etc I needed to continue to admin the business so that we both could still get a living.
I still loved this man and was full of confusion and depression.
He turned up on the doorstep promising to change. We had a long talk – I explained my feelings, everything – how I didn’t blame Daisy and that I thought he should never have given her the power he did – that he should have set boundaries and limits. He agreed with everything I said.
Shortly after that we arranged to go out for the evening. An important evening because it was the first time we had been out since I left home. There was a lot of bonding to do.
Five minutes after arranging that and saying goodbye, he phoned me to say that, ‘sorry, I completely forgot I promised to take my mum to Daisy’s birthday gathering on Saturday. I said, ‘Could someone else take her?’ He said, ‘I really wanted to go myself.’ I said. ‘Can you go for an hour or so, then we can go out?’
It wasn’t a ‘special’ birthday – just a small gathering of family & one or friends. He had loads of time to see her in the day, too.
Next thing is he said to me, ‘We’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t get over your jealousy of Daisy.’
Back to square one.
Other stuff has happened since then, proving without a doubt that I will never be No. 1 in Bob’s life.
I have also realised how controlling he is and that the situation with Daisy was actually a form of triangulation.
I believe that men (or women) who truly love their partner will work with them to overcome problems with children/step-children. The only way to do it is as a team. If you have a partner who refuses to listen to your feelings, the chances are you are in a controlling relationship and nothing will ever change.
It has taken me 19 years to learn this. Yes – I had good times, but far too many miserable ones.
I have now let go of my marriage and am looking forward to a peaceful future, without the daily anxiety and it’s great!
If you're not already bored silly with this very long post, I would be happy to share experiences and give anyone the benefit of everything I've learned over the years.

Sadly, this type of thing happens far too often but I don't need to tell you that...you've already realised it and know that you are not at fault and you may as well give up on what you either cannot accept or change.

Children have their place in their parents' lives AS CHILDREN and it is never acceptable that they occupy the place of an empotional partner for their parent.

You seem to have made peace and some sense out of it all and that's great. I wonder how your ex-DH is hanling being alone now. I have to wonder if he's finaly realised that his daughter is not going to take the place of his wife?

Well, thanks for sharing your story. It's sad but it does have a happy ending and that's the most we can all really hope for, isn't it?

X
dunmoanin

dunmoanin

SS & Gson run the show here and whichever live in girl happens to be around at the moment. DH still doesn't get it. Everything is my fault. My trust has been violated I found multiple messages between DH & SS talking very personal stuff about me, calling me names and asking for money, money and more money.

I'm so past done, yet even when I looked for a apt yesterday DH was talking about how this would be difficult for him location wise etc..Doesn't he get it? I'm leaving!!I've told him. Ugh.

Anyway just wanted to say we have lots of the same issues and though I am still fearful & angry I am looking forward to a feeling of relief and hope it comes soon after I move. Hope I remember how to deal on my own,though I pretty much am now anyways,I know it will be an adjustment. Your post gives me hope.

~Cat

although i am not married and my situation is different, I can certainly relate. My SO's older DD27 is overly attached to him. She is engaged to get married and yet she spends all of her free time, vacations, holidays wiht dad 24/7. By 24/7 i literally mean 24/7.

We cannot go on vacation anywhere just two of us. She demands that he spends all of his very limited vacation time with her.

I told him how that makes me feel, he acknowledged it and he made a compromise. ha.

Listen to this compromise: now he won't go on vacations just with her but she will join vacations with us. yes we have to take her on every single trip we go. she is 27. i do not want to spend all of our vacation times with her. I do not understand why adult woman wants to be with her father that much.

her wedding is late July, she wants to spend the whole month of July wiht her father 9she has long vacations). intitially she asked him to take her on vacation in July. he did tell her it won't be possible because that's the time when me and him go somewhere (finally he said "NO"!).

She was upset. that's when the compromise happened. now she comes wiht us everywhere. We plan short trip for memorial holiday and I feel she is coming wiht us again. and then 4th of july we plan a week long vacation and yes she comes wiht us for the entire duration.

and yes sometimes i wonder if his reluctance wiht commitment is due to his and his daughter relationship. yes I see them acting as a couple and it upsets me.

I and my X am verty close to our DD but I cannot imagine her wanting all of her free time with either one of us. Just don't see that hapenning.

I wish you Good Luck and Happiness

Catlettuce
I will look for some of your posts, though it seems you’ve made your decision.
I’m beginning to make a connection between this sort of problem and controlling husbands.
I feel that a well-balanced, secure, loving man would always consider his wife’s feelings and listen and act if there are genuine grievances. I think the ONLY way any family – but especially step-family life can succeed is with wife and husband showing a united, firm and fair front to ALL the children.
A controlling man will not do this because he considers his wife a ‘possession’ and an inferior person. He won’t understand why he has to take her feelings into consideration. Try ‘googling’ emotional/verbal abuse. This can include a very wide range of behaviours and sometimes it is extremely subtle but nonetheless very damaging long term.
On really examining my marriage, I realised that I had been subject to controlling behaviour and a degree of verbal/emotional abuse. He used to say things like, ‘You’d be lost without me’ – ‘If you ever left, I’d know exactly what you’re doing/where you are. I’ve got people I know everywhere’ – put downs that turned into ‘jokes’ if I protested – ‘What’s the matter with you? You’re too sensitive’ – often shouted me down in front of people, etc etc.
He was never going to listen to my feelings, even though he pretended to, because he felt too entitled to do exactly what he wanted.
It’s only been 4 months out for me. I still have a lot of emotional baggage to work through, plus I still do the admin for our business – but I can say that I’m so much more at peace now and happier than I’ve been in years. I feel free of all the daily crap I used to endure, such as feeling my tension rise when his mobile rang and I could tell it was her asking him what he was doing that day – so she could make plans with him. Him arranging to have GS for the night without asking me, Oh! I could go on and on!
Anyway, congratulations on making your decision. I know it’s not easy.
Best of Luck

FineDreams
All I can say is read what I have written. Give your marriage every chance and bear in mind she’s his daughter and will always be – but if you continually feel your needs and anxieties are being ignored, don’t waste your life.

Doodleboo
I don’t even think she (or him) gives a thought to the future. It’s ‘get what you can today’ with no thought for anything else.
And you’re right – it is a very unhealthy attachment for ALL concerned.