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Will it ever end?

Posted by sofrustrated (My Page) on
Thu, Apr 2, 09 at 15:09

This isn't a step-family related problem, its an ex-husband problem. I'm sure a lot of you can relate so I thought I could vent here.

Ex is EXTREMELY mad that I get child support for our two kids. He fought me hard to not have to pay me what's rightfully mine. I fought back and had to declare bankruptcy due to the legal bills I amassed. It wasn't pretty. That was almost 3 years ago.

Fast forward to today and he STILL has not gotten over that he pays me support. He hates it and every chance he gets he throws in a dig about how much money I have and how little he has.

Let me also add that he is still single and has asked me on more than one occassion to get back together with him. I remarried about 2 years ago and never looked back. I would NEVER go back with him or want to - he's bipolar and just a very negative person with a lot of nasty baggage that he lugs around on a daily basis.

We had a tiff last night about spring break. He's mad b/c my parents picked the kids up from his house last night after he's had them since Friday. My parents live close to him (I live an hour and a half away from all of them) and asked if they could spend some time with the kids too (they rarely get to see them b/c they go to ex's 3 out of the 4 weekends a month). I said sure to my parents and thought that it was a great idea. Ex was livid that I'm taking time away from HIM and he should get to keep the kids for the whole break if I didn't want them. And that's NOT the case. I do want them but I work all day and my parents are at home. Plus, they never get to see their grandparents that they love to death and vice versa. Ex tried to tell me that he has the right of first refusal according to our agreement. I vaguely recall talking with him about that when we were in mediation but somehow it never made it into the agreement. What did make it in however was a very nice sentence stating that we are to both foster relationships with the grandparents!

He starts in on me that he has no money to take the kids to see his parents (they live far away) b/c I take it all! OH HE%# NO! I just hung up on him when he started on that.

Then today I get a text from him about one of our cats (he got them all in the divorce b/c he refused to give them to me when I asked for them and then when he changed his mind, I was already living at a place that I couldn't have pets). So, he got "stuck" with them and to this day he's pissed about that. He has to pay for their medical expenses and that's what the text was about. Supposedly one of the cats is really sick and needed surgery and now he may have to put him to sleep b/c he can't afford it. I was like, well, I'm sorry that he's so sick, I wish I could help (I really don't have the money or else I might *think* about helping him) but I can't. I have my own bills. I also said that if I still had credit that I would've helped but the fact that I had to file bankruptcy wiped that option out. I also asked him why he didn't ask the vet if he could make payments. No answer to that one.

I just think it's totally ridiculous for him to call me every name in the book last night and then text me today asking me for money for a cat that I wanted, he wouldn't let me have and now the cat is sick and he wants my help! UGH! I am just at my wit's end with him. I KNOW he got a tax return. Where did all that money go? He lives by himself and makes over 70K a year. I get a part of that but come on - where does all your money go dude? You can't possibly have that many expenses!

I don't think this nonsense will ever end!

Thanks for listening...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Will it ever end?

sofrustrated, that's a good name. You do seem so frustrated. The best advice I can give is for you to try to disengage on issues that you do not NEED to engage in... like the cat. You can't change him, but you can change how you react/respond.

I have to agree with your ex on the issue of ROFR. It's nice that you want your parents to see your children, but would you give up your time to let his parents come take the kids? If it's his time and he wants to spend it with his kids, then you have no right to send your parents to take them early just because you think he's had enough time with them. I find that wrong. If you want the kids to spend time with your parents, it should be on your time or when their dad is agreeable, not when he'd rather spend the extra time with them himself.

and just to clarify... child support is not rightfully yours, it's rightfully your children's! It would be interesting to see how forthcoming you'd be in paying child support if the kids went to live with their dad.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Okay, let me clarify. We split any vacations - he gets them half of the time and I get them the other half. I gave him an extra day this vacation - as I often do so that he can spend time with them. Thursday, and Friday are MY DAYS and what I chose to do with them is MY PEROGATIVE! I didn't take any time that was rightfully his away from him. In fact, he gets to see the kids MORE than I do in a week. I work until 4pm each night. My kids are little and are in bed by 8pm. With dinner, homework, baths, etc, I get to spend very little quality time with them Monday thru Thursday. He gets them Friday night to Sunday night. As soon as I get them back on Sunday, it's bedtime. I get to see them what - 16 hours a week and that's with me running around the entire time. We rarely get to do any fun things during that time. He gets them much more than that and its' quality time at that. I don't have any vacation time b/c I'm busy using it to stay home with the kids when they are sick or take them to doctors or therapists (my son has PDD and goes to PT, OT and speech therapy). It's just unfair in a lot of ways but you know what, it's what I agreed to. He agreed to our terms too and he is the one being the big baby about it now and blaming me.

And I'm sorry if I said the child support is mine - to me it's semantics. I use it to support the kids so to me, it's all in the same.


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RE: Will it ever end?

I don't think it was fair of your ex to complain about the kids spending time with their grandparents on your time. Yeah, I get the whole ROFR issue but I also think (and it sounds like it's included in your court papers) that a relationship with grandparents is important, too. It's not like you are dumping the kids with your parents every chance you get! My daughter spends the night at my mom's house every other week or so, and this is such special time for both of them. My daughter begs to go over there!

As far as the child support goes, I would just tune him out. It is what it is, it's been established through the courts and he can moan and complain about it all he wants...but you don't have to listen!

I agree with Ima about disengaging as much as possible. Try not to let him suck you into his issues.


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RE: Will it ever end?

I think some people who dont have kids full time have no idea how expensive they are, and it only gets worse as they get older. My advise -- sit down with a friend, put your feet up.


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RE: Will it ever end?

The thing that is rough about being the custodial parent is the time issue. We are the ones doing all the day to day stuff like errands, homework, driving places, cooking dinner, etc. That all eats away at the hours afterschool. The other parent always gets the fun time to relax! So unfair!


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RE: Will it ever end?

I would just stick to the basics and not engage in any other conversation with him. Keep it professional and eventually he'll be trained that you're not going to engage him in nonsense. Also, do you email? I prefer email to discourage that kind of stuff. If not, I guess I would just respond with "thank you for your input" and end the conversation politely. It sounds to me that you will have to set boundaries with him for a long time.


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RE: Will it ever end?

He fought me hard to not have to pay me what's rightfully mine
It is not "yours"; it is your childrens money. Minor detail.

I said sure to my parents and thought that it was a great idea. Ex was livid that I'm taking time away from HIM
Maybe you could have discussed the issue with HIM. The decision is not all yours. Minor detail.

Then today I get a text from him about one of our cats.
OUR cats? Hmm. So it is his cats when its time to take care of them, but OUR cats when it suits you?

He lives by himself and makes over 70K a year. I get a part of that but come on - where does all your money go dude?
None of your business. He pays child support correct? That is the extent of his financial obligations when it concerns you.

If you want to have a civil relationship with your ex-husband, I suggest you look at yourself first and lose the self entitlement attitude.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Cybermom -- boy are you onesided. OP only mentioned that she gets a part in that HE WAS COMPLAINING HE DIDNT HAVE MONEY TO TAKE KIDS PLACES. You took that out of context, along with a bunch of other things.

The guy is abusive -- calling her every name in teh book.

OP dont listen to this one.


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RE: Will it ever end?

That's right OP. Continue listening to people who tell you what YOU want to hear and you will continue having the wonderful relationship with the ex. Interesting comment being onesided. Was her story balanced and considered all angles and sides? Get a grip kkny. Wonder why she is having problems with the ex? Try being a bit more reasonable and lose the me me me attitude. Stop antagonizing people and start working with him and you will not be called "every name in the book".


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RE: Will it ever end?

maybe X just looks for excuses to talk to you. My X LOVES calling me and talking and emailing blah blah no he doesn't want me back, he is remarried and has no interest in me but if I would let him he would call me every day. he tuned it down a bit because i stopped calling back unless voice mail clearly says "I need to talk about DD". I get along wiht X but excessive communication is just not what i want.


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RE: Will it ever end?

He fought me hard to not have to pay me what's rightfully mine
It is not "yours"; it is your childrens money. Minor detail.

----- See previous post regarding the SEMANTICS of this statement. :)

I said sure to my parents and thought that it was a great idea. Ex was livid that I'm taking time away from HIM
Maybe you could have discussed the issue with HIM. The decision is not all yours. Minor detail.

----- Actually, he has no say in what I do with the children on MY TIME (which was the time I was getting the kids back from HIM) just the same as I have no say in what he does with them on his time. I did call him and leave a voice mail apologize for not running this past him, although I clearly did not have to do this. I handle my ex with "kid gloves" because he does have mental health issues and you never know what will set him off. I offered to discuss any time with him in the future that they had a break in more detail. I never heard from him until I started getting texts about how I was in contempt or some BS like that. Do you call your ex and run everything you do with your kids on your time past him all the time? God help you if you do - you mine as well still be together - lmao! :)

Then today I get a text from him about one of our cats.
OUR cats? Hmm. So it is his cats when its time to take care of them, but OUR cats when it suits you?

------See previous post about the cats - I wanted the cats. He refused to give them to me. Then when he didn't want them anymore and it was too late, he now says that they are my problem too. I couldn't take them due to where I was living and I explained that to him when I was leaving him. He chose to keep the cats. Again, semantics. His cats, my cats, our cats - who gives an F what I call them besides you! :)

He lives by himself and makes over 70K a year. I get a part of that but come on - where does all your money go dude?
None of your business. He pays child support correct? That is the extent of his financial obligations when it concerns you.

------ Precisely - I don't care what he does with his money but he sure as hell wants to tell me all about how he never has any. My point was that he obviously has money making 70K a year. When he starts lambasting me about all the child support he has to pay me and how HE has no money, then guess what - I now have every right to question where all his money is going to. He invited me into that discussion complaining about money in the first place. Funny thing is, he threatened to kill me over the child support 3 years ago and I had to get a restraining order against him. That was a long time ago though and I thought we had worked things out in that respect. I won't go in to all the sordid details but needless to say, I have given him way too many chances when it comes to having any kind of relationship with him. He's like a egocentric child that if you give an inch, they take a mile. He will never get over having to pay child support until the day he doesn't have to anymore. I try very hard to have a relationship with him but when he starts in on crap like this - no way. Last time this happened my current DH had to tell him that if he didn't stop harrassing me, we were going to take this to the authorities. Thankfully, things died down for awhile. It never lasts long though...
If you want to have a civil relationship with your ex-husband, I suggest you look at yourself first and lose the self entitlement attitude.

-----I'd like to see you deal with a cheating, lying, bipolar, narcissitic, always-the-victim ex and then tell yourself that you should look in the mirror. I never said I wanted a civil relationship with him. I know that's impossible. I just want him to stop harrassing me over things that he's so obviously in the wrong about. :)

Maybe before you start making judgements you should ask more questions. More power to you that you have the perfect relationship with your ex and current stepfamily. Please share your secrets with all of us losers that don't know how to deal with our lives. I'm dying to hear about YOU. :)


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RE: Will it ever end?

"a cheating, lying, bipolar, narcissitic, always-the-victim ex"

well, there ya go.

You cannot have a reasonable, rational, civil, relationship with someone who has this cluster of characteristics.

My mother was an abusive narcissist (is that redundant? maybe narcissists cannot be anything but abusive...), & I finally learned that it doesn't matter what the facts are;
when things aren't going well for her, when the spotlight isn't on her, when she isn't in the limelight getting the applause, heck, when she's just in the mood to be in a towering rage & beat the stuffing out of somebody, *somebody's* gonna pay.

In this situation, you're the "somebody".

& even with medication, I don't think bi-polar people can reliably stop that pendulum from swinging wildly;
it's feast or famine, all or nothing, black or white, freezing or heat wave.

Smile politely, don't answer if you can get out of it, & if you can't get out of it, say something vague & agreeable-sounding.

If it were me, & if I were living in a place where I could have the cat, I'd offer to take the cat.

(wonder what would happen if you asked for the vet's number & said you wanted to discuss treatment options;
there might be nothing wrong with the cat).


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RE: Will it ever end?

sofrustrated, ignore cyberwoman. She is probably a he with similar characteristics to your ex. :-) Men who b*tch and moan about paying child support should have their parental rights terminated. Ok, I'm kidding. But really, I deal with this all the time with my ex and I understand your frustration all too well. Unfortunately, there is nothing to you can do but completely disengage. Unless he wants to talk about the kids, have nothing to say to him. That's how I deal with it. Let him deal with his anger over the child support, etc. on his own and complain to his friends, who if they are real friends, will tell him to suck it up and accept responsibility for his kids.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dear Mariealways. Cyberwoman is a 40 year old female and has been a stepparent for 15 years. She is tired of BM's who receive regular child support erroneously thinking it is owed to them NOT to their children, who think that they can make decisions about their children that are not entirely theirs to make and think that they have the right to demand to know what the ex and his new wife is doing with THEIR hard earned money. Moreover this sensible female is thinking that if a conflict is to be resolved it will take good will towards the other person and the will to see the others position. However it is not mandatory. Denial is a cheap pacifier. :-)


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dear sofrustrated. Everything is SEMANTICS. Of course it all depends if you are pitching or catching. What is my secret to get along with my husbands ex? It is really simple. I respect her being who she is because I can't change her and TRY to see things from her perspective because I am not walking in her shoes. I understand that you are frustrated and these boards are here to provide you with "support". However if that support consist of telling you what you want to hear rather than giving you tools that work than what is the point? Not passing judgement on you I don't even know you. Only commenting on the state of mind and attitude that is reflecting from your original post. No real solution is easy. You will have to invest energy in and find the courage and strenght to work with a person who you obviously no longer care for. For the sake of your children and your own mental health give it a chance.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dear Cyber

I am sorry if you have had bad experiences. 25 is young to be a SM. Most moms who have custody spend far more on child than CS. The only reason most moms say they are owed CS is that they have spent the money on the child, and at best hope for a partial reimbursement. If you read, you would realize that ther is no new wife in OPs situation, and that she is only respnding to Xs complaining he is broke. It sounds like she has shown X the best, and he still has issues.

OP, try not to listne to him, leave the phone off the hook.


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RE: Will it ever end?

This just has me LMAO cyber-whatever - you are so concerned with my use of words (child support that is rightfully "mine" and "OUR" cat) that you yourself don't even pay attention to what I say in my posts. Where do I ever talk about my ex having a new wife or SO??? I NEVER said that he does. In fact, I said that he wants to get back with ME! Maybe instead of nitpicking my posts over SEMANTICS, you should pay a little bit more attention to the CONTENT.

I was with my ex for 15 years so don't tell me about investing time, courage and strength in a person that so obviously just wants to be a d*ck! We've been divorced for going on 3 years now and during most of those 3 years it's been me trying and him being an a$$, as per usual. There was a reason why *I* left him.

I agree with finedreams that he is just looking for excuses to talk to me. I am disengaging once again. I have no other choice but to talk about the kids and nothing else. I don't want it to be this way, obviously because I keep trying to have a better relationship with him. It just keeps blowing up in my face.

And I never once asked for advice. I said I just wanted someone to listen and to "vent" to. If you were really a woman, you would understand that which makes me think more and more that you are typical man that wants to fix all the problems. I don't want to be fixed. Sometimes, I just want to b*tch and have someone commiserate with me. Maybe that's not entirely healthy but then again, we all can't be perfect all the time. Support is much more than someone telling you how to fix your problems. Support is people relating to one another and offering a shoulder.

"She is tired of BM's who receive regular child support erroneously thinking it is owed to them NOT to their children" - seeing as my children can't pay the bills and take care of themselves, then the support is mine to use on their behalf. I pay the bills for them. I spend their money for them. In effect, the money is mine to use for them. They can't use it themselves unless you want to give my four year old $1200 a month to go blow on lollipops and bubbles!

"who think that they can make decisions about their children that are not entirely theirs to make and think that they have the right to demand to know what the ex and his new wife is doing with THEIR hard earned money." - When did I ever say I was making decisions that were not entirely mine to make? My time is my time with the kids is it not? You never answered my question about if your ex tells you entertain your ex when your he tells you how to spend your time with the kids.

"Moreover this sensible female is thinking that if a conflict is to be resolved it will take good will towards the other person and the will to see the others position." Have you ever dealt with an ex that has mental health issues - that is bipolar? Until you have, you have no right to tell me what I need to do to make my relationship better with this person. You can't reason with someone that is mentally unstable. You just can't!


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dear sofrustrated. OK so you don't want a solution you just want to b*tch? My bad. In that case continue coming to message boards where you can listen to people tell you how wonderful you are and how bad the ex is. Just a minor reminder that not only did YOU marry him but you also made a decision to have offsprings with him. Moreover you made the latter decision multiple times. You asked if it will ever end. It is entirely up to you if it will end or when it will end. The moment you accept that you have the power and choose to change your position and attitude is the moment you will attain freedom. Good luck.


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RE: Will it ever end?

OP, Cyber is either deranged, or has had a very bad experience. Catering to people who are screwed up like your X is not a good idea. Stand firm and tune out his unjustified complaints. Sorry about the cats.


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To kkny

Dear KKNY. Listening is a physical process, hearing is a mental one. How would OP "cater" to X by changing her attitude towards him? In truth she would be catering to herself by changing her point of view and with that ridding herself of the mental misery? Her current methods of dealing with the X has taken her to where she is today. Isn't it time for change?


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RE: Will it ever end?

"The moment you accept that you have the power and choose to change your position and attitude is the moment you will attain freedom."

I totally agree. The 'tone' of the OP is angry and frustrated and maybe OP has every reason to be frustrated and angry... but the truth is, that until you change YOUR actions and how you react to it... create YOUR boundaries and not allow the ex to cross into them... and take control of YOUR life, it will NEVER end.

I was going to answer the title with: "never... as long as you have kids together, it never ends. I'm 40 and my dad still has to deal with my mom on occasion, they share 4 grown kids... grandkids and now great grandkids."

But, I have to agree with cyber and add: "the frustration will end when you accept that he's going to do whatever he can to frustrate you because he's miserable and wants to make you miserable. Just by being frustrated, you are giving him what he wants and it's making you angry and miserable. Only YOU have the power to change YOU and how you react to him. You cannot do ANYTHING to change him."


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RE: Will it ever end?

Ima, the difference is in HOW you deal with formers, not whether. Setting boundaries, tuning out -- fine. Catering to X who makes unreasonable demands -- not fine. X here is a person who has been given chances and does not want to work with OP.

OP -- some of the stepmoms here think that only a mother can be a lunatic. I dont think it is gender limited. Listen to IMA rant about her kids mother, no one says oh work with her to set yourself free. This is basically a SM support board, accept it and move on.


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lunatics?

kkny, are you a lunatic? Where does it say OP should 'cater' to her ex? I think what OP is being told is that she can only control her own behavior, she cannot control his. If he asks how much money she has, she can ignore the question or say "it's none of your business." She cannot 'make' him stop asking. She can refuse to answer the phone if he calls repeatedly. I don't see anyone telling her to cater to him or to entertain his intrusions. Maybe you want to point it out?

Yes, I have ranted about my SD's (lol, you called her my kid) mother and no, the answer is not to cater to or work with someone that is a lunatic.. it's to disengage, set boundaries and tune out. That is working for us right now, even though it's causing her to get more creative... if you read my thread.


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From Cybermom

From Cyber

"If you want to have a civil relationship with your ex-husband, I suggest you look at yourself first and lose the self entitlement attitude."

I think this pretty much sums up Cybers atitute that OP has self entitlment -- I dont see that


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RE: Will it ever end?

I'm really sorry that this has turned into what it has. All I wanted was to vent a little, to have people listen that could understand. I guess until you've dealt with a mentally ill person, like my ex, you will never know what one deals with.

I understand that I control how I react. Believe me. You all don't know the half of what ex is doing to our children (telling them he can't buy them anything b/c Mommy takes all of his money, telling them that I'm a bad mother because I work and don't stay home with them, telling them that some day he's going to take them from me and they will never have to see me again (like they don't want to - it scared my son to the point that he asked me if I was mad at him and why did I want him to go live with his Dad?). How do you have a relationship with a person like that? How do you not react poorly, get angry and have frustration? More power to you if you can. Some people self medicate, some have shopping addictions, some go to therapy. Me, I chose to come here which was a BIG MISTAKE!

I have learned that a place like this is really not a good place to talk at all. People have their own agendas and attitudes and if you say the wrong thing, it can set a person right off. I'm sorry if I touched a nerve with Cyber and Ima - I know what it's like to have raw nerves tingling but honestly, if I wanted to get spoken to like I'm the one with the problem, I would have called the ex so he could tell me how crappy I am.


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My theories...

After reading cyber's posts, I think I have "her" all figured out. She is a stepmom that has issues with the BM of her skids. The BM must be all up in her business (mainly financially) and she has had it. She is now taking out her frustrations on the BMs of the world that get child support instead of the one person that she rightfully should take the sh*t out on - the BM of her skids! She talks a big game that people need to just suck it up and be the bigger person...blah blah blah. Maybe that's why she has the attitude that she does - she's had it with sucking it up to the BM of her skids and she now feels the need to pick on the BMs of the world.

Let me ask you this? Do you have any kids of your own??? Can you even understand what it's like to be a BM and deal with a crazy ex?

Sounds to me like you are also sick of your DH having to pay child support to his kids' BM. Sorry if that's the way it goes. Fight for custody if you don't want your DH to take the money from your family and give it to the BM, or should I say - the skids!

Rant over!


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Thanks KKNY

Listen to IMA rant about her kids mother, no one says oh work with her to set yourself free. This is basically a SM support board, accept it and move on.

I couldn't agree with you more with this statment. F the damn pants and just ignore it!!! :) :) :) Only you can change your view of things and how you react to people....

Blah blah blah


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RE: Will it ever end?

Sofrustrated, I stayed out of this one... but feel I need to interject my 2 cents.

Often what is posted by a new poster will strike a nerve with older posters and they will continue their position with the new problem as their jumping ground. In this case, the difference between stepmothers and biomothers.

I can understand the "legally mine" and "our cats" comments. It's hard to switch lingo after using it for so long. I still say "our dogs" or even "my dogs" sometimes when I refer to my ex-husbands pets. And they were his before we met... oops. Pets, like kids, don't stop being "yours" even when you break up with their other "parent".

I'm sure you do have problems, it sounds like you've a bunch of them, same as the rest of us. If you post an issue you're having here you need to be prepared to take the comments you can't use along with those you can. Ignore what you must.

I divorced my ex over three years ago (well, started the proceedings anyway... he drug it out forever...) and he was psycho for a while. But now he's mellowed out a lot and things have been very very calm for around a year. I don't know the specifics were in you getting your divorce but that may be the same with you. You asked how to have a relationship with a person like your ex. My advice, based on my own experiences with someone like that is to try to be strong, stand your ground and be as nice as you can. Remind yourself that he is the father of your children, the most important role he could possibly have. Respect him for that. Send him good energy while deflecting his painful energy. He won't stop until he works through whatever issues he has and stops blaming you. It could be forever. It could be until he finds someone else. Remember that his ego is hurting, you rejected him and he's probably a little shell-shocked. No excuses for him, but remember he is a human with human feelings, even if he is a SOB with serious issues.

No one here is saying you are crappy, they are just going through their own issues using your situation as a new venue. If you stick around long enough you'll see it happen over and over. Everyone here has similar stories and some deal with it very differently. Best of luck to you.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Actually, Cybermom did say OP had a sense of entitlement, which comes pretty close to saying she is crappy. And the SM brigade did not call Cybermom out on it. Cybermom may have had some bad experiences, but if she read the content of OPs post it did not justify the entitlement statment.


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RE: Will it ever end?

"F the damn pants and just ignore it!!!"

Wow! Clearly the problem is your ex and you are the poor victim! blah blah blah I guess that's what you wanna hear!

At least, no matter how hard my SD's mom tries to frustrate me and DH, we have figured out how to laugh about it. My thread on those damn pants... was written to show the humor of dealing with a nutty ex. Sorry your so frustrated, but you are so frustrated because you allow yourself to be frustrated. I've been there... venting and getting all worked up over stupid crap she said or did... nothing we can do to change her, all we can do is change what WE are doing and how WE react to it. That's all anyone can do! If you want to hear poor baby...

POOR BABY! HE'S A TERRIBLE GUY AND IT'S JUST HORRIBLE THAT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM AND THAT HE STRESSES YOU OUT! HE SHOULD GET A LIFE AND STOP HANGING ON SO YOU CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH YOUR NEW FAMILY. HOW DARE HE HANG ON AND MAKE YOU MISERABLE AND FRUSTRATE YOU.

There.. do you feel better?


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RE: Will it ever end?

Seems kinda funny that you say you don't get all worked up about things when you keep writing diatribes about her and those damn pants! If you don't care about her and it's not affecting your life, then why come here to vent? You want sympathy the same as everyone else. Don't hide behind your true motives. Puh-lease!

And thank you for your support. I feel so much better now. :)


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Thank you silversword

Silversword - thank you for trying to explain the craziness that is internet forums to me. I know that's whats going on. It's just crazy to think that someone could judge me so harshly knowing so very little. Ask questions first and judge later. You were very kind in your words and not judgemental at all and I appreciate that. Some other people, well, not so kind and VERY judgemental.


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To Ima:

This is what you wrote in the first pants diatribe:

"Quite honestly, I've tried not to get sucked into the drama and I'm ashamed at not being successful, but c'mon~ how much do we really need to put up with?"

You only need to put up with as much as you allow. Isn't that the advice that Cyberwoman and you, yourself gave to me? Why are you asking this question if you already know the answer other than to GET SYMPATHY???

How is what you are asking in your post any different from what I asked about - "will it ever end?" Mine was a rhetorical question as was yours I'm sure.

People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. That's all I'm saying!


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And for the record

Oh and for the record, I have skids too. So I'm lucky enough to get it coming at me from both ends. I have ALL the crap from my skids BM and I get to deal with my lovely Ex-H too. I guess I should be thankful that ex-h hasn't remarried or doesn't have a SO for me to deal with. I'll take my luck where I can get it. Although if he had someone else, maybe he'd get a life and stop harrassing me.


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sympathy???

Maybe you don't understand... I'm not 'venting' because it affects "ME". Honestly, it doesn't really affect ME much unless I allow it... it's more upsetting to me that her daughter is in the middle and being hurt, and that does affect me when I have to comfort her at the end of BM's crap. Yeah, there's NOTHING I can do about that... I finally accepted that, no matter how hard it is to watch the train wreck, I'm not in charge of the train or the tracks.

There is no way to deal with someone that is 'crazy' without it affecting your life. I write my 'diatribes' because it might lighten things up. I don't need sympathy, hope nobody else thinks that way. My true motives: Well, I had to think a bit about that and you know what? My true motives in writing about those damn pants is not about the pants. Maybe someone out there might read about her incessant calls/texts/emails and realize how freakin' LUCKY they are, that the BM in their situation doesn't call for months at a time... or someone may appreciate that their situation isn't so bad. At least, when I read about someone else being assaulted by a drunk BM that wants to put her small child in the car while she's sloshed.. I am so thankful we don't have that problem. I do sympathize but there's no way in hell that I think she wrote that to get my sympathy! For you to say I am seeking sympathy? That's a demented way to think about it but not at all surprising, coming from someone that thinks "it's all about ME!", which is an attitude of entitlement. (and I didn't even agree with cyber's entitlement statement until you said that)

Glad you feel better.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Give up so frustated -- you'll just get more frustated. Not to read into screen names, your identity is based on yours frustaiton, mine on a company I work for, and Ima -- starts with I.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Actually I agree with Sofrustrated AND Cyberwoman..They both have valid points and complaints, and I ve been where both of them are. Just depends on what side of the fence you are standing on at the moment...And Ima, I had what I thought was a problem this AM (step related) and after I read Hadleys post, um, do realize how lucky I am that I m not in her shoes today. So you are correct, todays post made me (and maybe others)appreciate how much worse situations can be.....


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Oh forgot

KKNY, Not to be flip, but do you work at Kitty Kat Nighties Yugoslavia? I love their pajamas!!!! :)


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dotz, agree with you. Once I read Hadley's post, nothing seemed so bad. I cannot imagine her night!!!!!!!!!!!


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RE: Will it ever end?

Sofrustrated, I understand where you are coming from. My ex is not bi polar and we get along ok for the most part, but there have definitely been times that I just don't understand him and it's usually related to child support.

He pays $300 a month. Pretty low, right? Well I didn't even fight him, just accepted the $300 a month. I didn't ask for consideration of daycare, health ins, nada! I got sole custody, legal and physical. He moved a lot for work and wasn't too interested in having custody anyway.

So anyway, about a year after the split he calls to ask me about DD's daycare. I explain, email him the website, it really was a wonderful preschool.

Him: How much does it cost?
Me: $800
Him: Can't you find anything cheaper?
Me: Probably, but this average price range for this area and it's a wonderful school that DD loves going to.
Him: But that's a lot of money.
Me: I know, daycare is expensive.
Him: Well, I'd like you to find a cheaper daycare.
Me: Why?
Him: I want to lower CS.
Me: Uh, you are as low as you can get.
Him: Well, if you find a cheaper one I dont have to pay as much.
Me: A cheaper daycare won't change your support order, it doesn't even consider daycare costs in it. You're going to run the risk of getting a higher order.

Etc. This went on and on and on. I thought I was going to pull my flipping hair out. Dude, you're not even paying CS for daycare! WTF! LOL

LOL and don't even get me started on the first SM figure he brought into DD's life. He decided again since he was supporting SM's kids, that he should get to lower CS for DD! Those weren't even his flipping kids! Then she decided to email me (she was nice though) how "lucky" DD was to have involved Dad and she wished her kids had that. SHE wouldn't take all the money in the world for her kids to have a relationship with their father. Uh, hello???? My DD is not "lucky" to have an involved father. That is what he is supposed to do! Weirdo! Just because he's a male doesn't mean he gets a pat on the back for being the father he is supposed to be to DD. Jeez

Then the second girlfriend who had no kids decided to email me that $300 was just too much to raise a kid. She thought I had some kind of mental deficiency and I should show HER and Ex my budget for DD since $300 was altogether too much money for CS and I must be living high on the hog or something.

LOL, I could go on and on for days, but you get my drift SoFrustrated, you are SOOOO not alone. BioMom's aren't always evil, money sucking wenches. Sometimes we do have valid complaints, sometimes we just want to vent and it's ok. SM's don't have the corner on blended/divorced family problems.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Dotz Unfortunately I have never worked in such an interesting place. Think more like Japanese trading ops.

Nivea -- too funny. Its amazing how some people without kids are clueless what they cost.


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RE: Will it ever end?

Support issues aren't owned by BM's, trust me. We hear more about the measly amount we receive from SD's mom - think half of the money Nivea has to drag out of her ex - and how Bm can't afford to go to both Hawaii AND California this year because of it. I shed a little tear each time I think of her distress.

That said, I think it is fair to expect that when you come to a public forum you will get the good and the bad. You also have to realize good and bad are specific to the poster. What I see as good advice may be horrid by the next posters standards. Rather than taking a defensive stance, I try to take it for what it is - an unbiased opinion from someone who does not know me. To be honest, I've learned more objectivity from this group of women I don't know then anywhere else in life. They have made me step outside my comfort zone and see my behaviors from a different perspective. What use is defensiveness with a group of people you will likely never meet?


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