I find it interesting that no one has commented on the fact the BM left him as soon as her daughter went to college after 10 years of him supporting the two of them. BD provided child support but it never was enough to really support BM or the daughter and their "way of life." The fact that my friend footed the school bills, mortgages, food, orthodontics and everything else did not even register here iamom, All of that registered with me just fine. It just didn't have anything to do with the question you asked. Do I think BM probably used him to support her and her daughter? Can't say for sure on the limited information provided, but I'm pretty certain that's what my husband's X used her last husband for! He did an awful lot for my SDs and that both BM and my SDs ignored him completely after that? Yes I thought that was HIDEOUS! And one day when I was arguing, yet again, with my oldest SD about why there was NO legitimate reason for BM to be anywhere near my husband and I, I finally got a little pissed and asked her why it was I hadn't seen her last stepdad around since the divorce, and asked point blank whether or not she even was talking to him. Her response was, "NO, because he hasn't gotten over my mom divorcing him!" In other words, even though stepdad had been a part of their lives for almost 10 years, the reason they were basically "shunning" him was because SDs felt he was trying to use them to reconcile with BM. (And they had lots of experience with that as BM's been using them for years to try to get MY husband to reconcile with her!) A couple years later, SD had another baby and their tiny townhouse wasn't big enough and while they were waiting for their new house to be built, came to live with us for about 6 month--SIL had kicked BM out when they sold the townhouse and told us he would NEVER allow her to live in their new house. Oh, but right after they put their townhouse on the market, apparently BM and former stepdad had gotten back together, moving into his new teeny little apartment which was VERY "out of character" for her to condenscend that low. 6 months later, their new house was finished and SD had to attend the closing by herself because SIL was out of town working with my husband. Well, immediately after the closing, guess who moved right back in with her daughter? Yeap, as soon as SD's new house was built, BM once again DUMPED Stepdad and moved into SD and SIL's brand new house! And before SIL even got so much as to SEE his new house, BM repainted the entire interior! If the brown bathrooms weren't hideous enough, those green stripes she painted on the living room walls sure were! Was that enough for stepdad to learn his lesson? OH HELL NO! A few months later SIL once again had enough and kicked her out again, and Stepdad once again took BM back, who stayed with him once again just long enough to find a "better deal". OK?

Yes, BM does live out of state (3 hours away) and I'm sure SD misses her...But yes, BM is unfit. I am talking about drug use, alcoholism, abandonment for 2 1/2 years, constant fighting between BM and her husband when the skids visit and her husband is very cruel to my skids verbally. Last month, BM's husband announced to his kids and my skids that BM was not allowed to get MY skids for at least the next visit because she was spending all of her money on visitation weekends and not helping financially. He then told my skids directly that if their BM comes to get them the next weekend that he WOULD kick her out of his house. BM apparently just sat there. We do know that BM's husband spent some time in jail for domestic violence against his first wife...do not know if he is hitting BM though. What concerns me most is that this drama has turned BM into a victim in the kid's eyes. Day after day is drama...and the kids are caught up in protecting her and worrying about her. Add to this that BM feels guilty as well for all the drama which adds another issue. SD knows BM feels guilty...and she takes advantage of this every chance she gets. Every other day SD is asking BM for something new. A new haircut. A new pair of shoes. A new calculator. A new jacket. Earrings. A bigger cell phone plan. DVD's. It's constantly ongoing. The whole thing is unsafe and unhealthy in my opinion. At one point, after the kids finally started seeing BM again (after she came out of hiding after 2 1/2 years) SD told us that she wanted to move in with her Mom. DH told her that he just didn't feel BM's house was stable enough. SD then cried and said that her BM was trying to get her husband to stop drinking...SD said that if she had more time at BM's house she could help BM to get her stepdad to quit drinking also but that 4 days a month was not enough time to help him. I had to leave the room in tears...She was 12 years old. The relationship with BM is not a healthy one...but at least it was somewhat limited...until the UNLIMITED texting came about last month. Now let me add that BM's life is so screwed up that she LOVES to hear negatives about our life. The skids have constantly told me about her asking about my job or how DH and I are doing. If I do something special for the skids, she either downplays it or tries to outdo me...(Remember the story about Christmas 2007? I told her in November what I was getting the skids. She had Christmas that year so we were going to have our Christmas when they got back...Ironically BM got them EVERYTHING I told her that I had bought them. When they got back to our house they just opened the same stuff they had got a week earlier from BM...not quite as exciting, you know?) I can't make BM disappear...but I certainly don't want her knowing about every sneeze I have.

I agree that of course she needs a room for the baby, but why not talk to SD13 and SD11 first? That has never hurt anyone. And yes, BM is mentally unstable. We suspect she's got Borderline Personality Disorder, but since she hasn't been diagnosed that is only a guess (she has 8 of the 9 symptoms). BPD is based on the fear of abandonment. People suffering from this disorder do seem to dangle loved ones back and forth like a jo-jo, that's a good description. As for the BF: you guys might be right. SD13 mentioned that BM wants to stay in a relationship with BF (while living apart) so he doesn't do the same to her as FDH has done. This is one thing that always comes back. Everybody does everything to BM, BM never ever takes responsibility for anything herself, she ALWAYS blames other people. And SD11 is pretty good at copying that behavior, but that's a different story. A good example of blaming others, and this one is out there, is for example the reason why the baby is still in BM's bed at 15 months old. She blames her friends who always demand they go over to their place and then they have to stay till 1 o'clock in the morning. So that is why the baby did not get in a routine, all because of her friends. ??????????????? We've already been informed that the new baby will get in a routine because when it's born they're not going over to those friends anymore. The mind boggles..

yes as far as behavior issues go she hasnt displayed anything other than what I consider normal for her age, she gets good grades and follows directions most of time :)She acts just like any other kid her age... I dont think she doesnt talk to us about it because she worries we will be hurt, we have always been pretty open as a family when speaking about BM, and from what I gather from speaking with her best freinds mom and GM she has completely stopped talking about her in their presence too which isnt the way it used to be... I know I cant make this go away, I wish I could with all my might but I know I cant....I know she will carry this with her for the rest of her life and I just want to make sure I am managing the situation in the most productive manner for her... I just don't know, I feel like it is unhealthy to not talk about it but I dont want to force her, maybe this is something that will surface later on as she grows... maybe it is not as traumatic for her since she never remember a time when BM was around more than every once in a while opposed to a kid that mom just picks up and leaves....but it still has got to hurt....