my future step children hate

14 years ago

I need help. My boyfriend has two children( 11 and 6 both boys) and at first everything was great we all got along. However when my boyfriend and i moved in together everything changed his kids became disrespectful and rude, down right mean and just act like little brats. If my boyfriend is gone and his children are left with me, they yell and scream at me, they dont do anything i ask them to do. the 6 year old yells at me and says " I hate you and i hate being here, Im never coming back to daddys if your still here." I know their insane BM is telling them they dont have to listen to me because I am younger then their dad. my boyfriend is 33 and Im 21 but I do everything for these kids and get zero respect in return. my boyfriend doesnt help me sovle this issue were having. The children are creating a wedge between us. When my boyfriend and i talk about getting married and having children the 11 year old says " your NOT going to marry my dad and I am NOT going to have a little brother or sister." The childrens BM has a boyfriend and i asked the kids if they talked to her boyfriend like they talk to me and of course im the only one they hate. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I love my boyfriend but his children are going to ruin us. What can i do?

Comments (13)

finedreams
14 years ago
My DD is 22 and is not prepared to take care of 11 and 6-year-olds. I had a child myself when I was 21, but it was my own planned child and I was married and finishing my degree.

Are you in college? If not, you should be going to school, not taking care of his children.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
You aren't the one who shoulc be handling this;
your boyfriend & his ex should be dealing with their children's behavior.

You're a very convenient built-in babysitter for this guy.

Regardless of age, this is a good place to get out of.

I'm sorry.
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I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.
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eandhl...I agree. It is so sad. But many on this forum have posted that they hate their step kids, or that they can't stand them. Endhl did not address any one particular person, Dyans world. Endhl just commented on the many posts on this forum that post how much they hate their step kids. It is so sad to think that through divorce, a child loses his/her home and family. His/her own dad is living in someone else's house, being dad to someone else's kids, maybe even in another state. It must be so painful for a child then to visit their own dad (or mom) and then find that the new wife (or husband) can't stand them, or worse...hates their guts, and they must feel so out of place and uncomfortable. The realization for so many is that they really have lost their parent...and in some cases...both parents...to this new spouse (and other kids) in remarriage. To be made to feel like an unwanted guest who can never do anything right...must be awful. Can you look at this through the eyes of a child, and imagine yourself as a child, and your own parent (or parents) now living with someone else, and not wanting YOU around? Can you understand what that must feel like? That they have gone on and formed a new family where you no longer fit in, and the new spouse wishes you never existed? The guilt these fathers are feeling, is appropriate, because at their very core, they realize what their "new life" has cost their children. And they understand that they themselves may be happy with their new spouse, but this happiness comes with a very high price...and that price is being paid by their own children. Their child lost his/her core family, a family where they are adored by both their mom and dad...and wanted. This is something that can never be really replaced. But parenting through guilt will not help their child in the long run. But neither will a step mother who overlooks her own childs bad behavior, always discounting something "her child did" and hyper focuses on the STEP childs misbehavior. The husband will soon understand at some level that this is going on, and he will parent even more through guilt, because he feels bad for what his child (children) are suffering, due to his new marriage. And he will try and make up for what his new wife is doing. She may not even realize that she is doing this. Basically, she cannot stand his children, and just their very presence annoys her and makes her irritable. And the cycle keeps going. They begin to bother her more and more...she picks on their behavior more and more, and the father sees what is going on, and feels guilty, and calls them on less and less, which in turn infurriates her. Yes kids misbehave. So do adults. Both say things they shouldn't. Both can be irritating and annoying and difficult to be around. But does that mean that we ask a father to turn his back on his own children???? He was a father first. You all knew that going in. What if he told you that if your kids misbehaved...that you had to give up your children to your ex, who may move them across the country, and you would no longer be a mother? So many on this forum want their new husband to rarely see his own children. What kind of a woman does this to a man she professes to love?
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OMG! I just HAD to post to this one. You sound as if you are telling MY story! I posted my own question a couple weeks ago regarding the same type of man. I can tell you from first hand experience that this guy is not going to change. If anything things will only get worse from this point on. I know that's hard to hear and not what you want to hear. I've been there. I too was wishing for advice or some magic potion to make him 'see' what he was doing. I blamed myself, I hated the way he treated my kids. I let it go on for way to long. I kept hoping and wishing that one day I'd wake up and things would be different. I did finally wake up but looking back I know I should have gotten out a long time ago. Sweetie... for YOUR sake and YOUR KIDS, GET OUT of that situation. Start now preparing to move on with your life. I can tell you that it's only going to get worse. I'm speaking from experience here. I finally did something about my situation. I filed for divorce (yesterday) and he moved out. I can't even express the calm and the peace I feel with him out of the house. My children simply glowed this morning. It's only going to get better for us I just feel it. Granted it's going to be tough financially but hey.. it's worth it to have that man out of our house. Above all else, don't blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them that no human being has to settle for that type of behavior. It's simply unacceptable. I made up so many excuses over the years for my husbands behavior. Always telling the children just to stay quiet and out of his way when he was home. We were prisoners to his paycheck. So scared that we couldnt make it without him. But I reached the point to where I wasn't scared of that anymore. It scared me more to think about what he was doing to my children's mental well being. I tried everything to get my husband to see what he was doing. He was so deep in denial that he would never admit to being the problem or even having a problem. It was 'all the kids fault' and my fault because he had no interactions with the kids. I'm talking... This man wold walk right past us on his way out of the house or into the house and not even look in our direction. He didn't even acknowledge our existance!! I never understood how he could not even speak. I thought how rude! Well, it's his loss. I hope the silence in his new place is killing him. Meanwhile my house is filled with laughter. It feels like we've come out of a long winter. Even the sunshine is brighter today. If you'd like to email me you may do so at lacey2010@yahoo.com If I can do anything to help you, even if it's just listening please email me. I know first hand how difficult that type of situation can be. I know what it feels like to have your heart torn out day after day wishing,hoping and praying for even the slightest glimpse of hope that something is going to change. The sad truth is... men like these never change. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you'll email me.
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RosieL, just want to put a disclaimer her.. I have no problems with the things you say. Even if I did, I'm not into bashing. I just like the discussion. You remind me of my mother, and I respect my mother very much...YOu make some very good points and I respect how you put children first... so this post is just to play 'devil's advocate' with one of your statments. I have some constructive cricticism.. (I think) on this statement you made... "I think that once we have children ... their well being comes before our happiness and love life. They will be with you for a very short wile and you will have the rest of your life for romancing. " I agree with that to some extent. I mean, I even find myself putting my only child, who happens to be my step son, before my own marriage as far as time, effort, patience, etc.. But isn't it true and important to realize that the children will be happiest when their parents are happy too? I mean, they need a happy home! And if mama ain't happy? lol. I don't think that means that a single parent should throw their kids around to different babbysiters while they go out on dates, etc... but clearly, that is not what is going on here. This person is VERY concerned about her childrens' feelings. The fact is, that she needs to rebuild her home and her marriage and I think she is right to do this for herself and for her daughter/children. LisRac states: "I love my husband and I want to try to make my marriage work. My husband went for counseling and realizes how things he did and things he said were hurtful. He knows he was wrong in a lot of his attitudes and wants to try and make it right (with counseling). I'm scared to hurt my kids or make them unhappy, although I know I can't make my decision based solely on a 12 year old's views." Sounds good to me! I think people get divorced because they give up to soon. That's my take. I think they go through a rough year, or in this case, have a very difficult time making a blended family work... and they simply give up. Listen, all families have problems. Even non-blended families. And no one is perfect. My parents have been 'happily' married for 40 years. God, it's like a fairy tale for them now that the kids are gone, but I remember a couple of those years being sort of... nasty... especially when my sister and I were oh, about... 12!!! I remember my sister hating my Dad for about 2 of those years. He had a lot of 'teasing' issues and picked on her for being lazy. Caused a lot of turmoil for the whole family. They both went into counseling, eventually. Now, she's (almost) Daddy's little girl too. I wouldn't trade my family for the world!! Makes me sick to think that my mom would have given up on my Dad just because my sister practically hated him for two years. Course back then I thought "you jerk!"... knowing what I know now and the kind of man and father he became to me. I'm so glad we never gave up and that we were able to forgive the mistakes that we ALL made. Of course, LisRac needs to be realistic about this man and really decide if this IS what is going to make her, then ultimately her children... happy! I don't know this man. But... he says he wants to try to make it work! Let him be a man and help make it work! LisRac has a chance to have a happy family. It is not going to be easy, and the children will need help through it all... but are they going to be better off without rebuilding a family? Are they not going to learn and grow and become stronger by going through these changes and accepting another human being...who they may even grow to love? ... into their lives? The potential is awesome. I mean, just think... if LisRac and her family work through this and rebuild their home... what a strong family that could be! That may seem a little idealistic... but I'm a glass is half-full kind of person, I guess!
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silversword
14 years ago
"my boyfriend doesnt help me sovle this issue were having. "

If he doesn't help you now he probably won't help you later. Tell him what you need/want and look toward your own future. At 20 there didn't seem much difference between 20 and 30 to me, but now that I'm 30.... I realize those 10 years are so important for learning who you are and developing as a person.
sweeby
14 years ago
"Im 21 but I do everything for these kids and get zero respect in return. my boyfriend doesnt help me sovle this issue were having."

There are FAR BETTER fish in the sea.
Settle for this one, and you've had a pretty good preview of what's in store in the future. Sure, it would probably get a little better -- but not without a lot of backup from your boyfriend.
ceph
14 years ago
If your BF was willing to back you when it comes to respect from his kids, I'd say that this is just a stumbling block... But if he's unwilling to take charge of the way his kids are behaving, then this is MUCH more than a stumbling block.
mmae33
14 years ago
Get out while the gettin's good!! You are WAY too young for this. You need to enjoy your early adulthood because believe me, if these boys are like this now they will be much worse as they get older. I agree that you are a built-in babysitter for this man and I know what that's like from personal experience. If you're not in college or haven't completed it yet, you definitely need to do that...don't rely on any man to take care of you. That's exactly what I tell my daughters. These boys need to be brought into line by your BF and their BM. If it hasn't happened yet, it won't.
mlly
14 years ago
LISTEN TO EVERYONE!!!!! I wish this forum had existed when I was 21. Why are you babysitting this man's children? These are not YOUR issues, they are birth parent issues.

Do yourself a huge favor and take a day to read through some of the old posts on here...you can get a pretty good idea of what your life will be like if you choose to stay with this man and have your own children with him...
mark66
14 years ago
I'm sorry to say but it doesn't get better over time.

If you have a child together it will be more difficult to leave, with more consequences.

Unfortunately we only realize these thing in retrospect.
paiggey
Original Author
14 years ago
yea I am in school and am finishing this year. I dont want to leave, because I do love my boyfriend. But I dont know how to stay without be completely miserable all the time
sweeby
14 years ago
Have you ever been in love before?
I've been in love several times, and I don't think that's at all unusual...

The thing you need to ask yourself is if you want to invest everything in THIS relationship with it's known (and serious) problems,
or move on to another relationship with better odds of long-term happiness.
If you drop this relationship, even though it means dropping a guy you love, you can and will find another.
It's not like you're giving up your only chance at happiness...
And at your age and stage, the odds of finding some other equally-lovable guy without all that baggage are really, really good.
(That is, unless you waste years hanging around dead-end guys.)
lamom
13 years ago
paiggey,

Why don't you just keep him as a boyfriend? Meaning you do not take over as a stepparent and you live on your own. What's the rush at 22. You love him, well if he loves you and you tell him you are not ready to take on his kids he might understand.

Like everyone else said, this is a lot of baggage. And, if the kids are disrespecting you and your boyfriend isn't doing anything about it you have a bigger problem, your boyfriend!
ashley1979
13 years ago
'Love' is the most OVERUSED and MISUSED word in the entire English language. 'Love' is a verb...not a noun. It's not a feeling; it's a decision. A concious, everyday decision to put someone else's needs before your own. Love is hard. It is not something that comes at first sight or from moving in with someone or from having sex. Love develops over time getting to know someone. How long have you been dating him?

What about this relationship says 'love' to you? Forget tingly feelings and butterflies in your stomach. Those go away over time. If you think tingley feelings are 'love', you will always be very disappointed.

Does the way he allows his kids to disrespect you show you he loves you?

My SD was like that when she was 8-9 (halfway betwen the ages of your BF's kids). I KNEW DH loved me when he had the balls enough to talk to BM about it. His point was she didn't have to treat me as a mother-figure, but she had to respect me as an adult, just like she would a teacher at school or any other adult. BM agreed and talked to SD.

You are 22 years old and in college. You have too much to focus on to busy yourself with some guy and his kids. Dating is the process by which we weed out the unsuitable suitors to get to the suitable ones. So mark him as unsuitable and move on.
stepmomofthree
13 years ago
Before you make a committment to this lifestyle, you should do one thing. After graduation, take a few months and go travelling. Backpack around Europe or South America. Do something to get out in the world and see some new places. You'll meet some young people like yourself travelling around. You are at the right age to do this type of trip, and if your boyfriend is a decent guy, he won't stand in your way. Then, come the fall, go back and take a look at your life with your boyfriend.

If this is the right situation for you, then you will want to rush back (to him and the kids). If not, we won't be hearing from you again.

my future step children hate

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