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theevilstepmom

step daughters mom died and now she lives with us........

theevilstepmom
14 years ago

Well, it has been a rough couple years. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. He has two kids from two previous relationships. My SS is 19 and has lived with us since we got married, his mom signed her rights away when he was 12 and I did a step parent adoption. My SD, who is 14, lived with her mom until almost two years ago when her mother, who was bi-polar, killed herself. I have done everything in my power to be there for this kid. When she moved in I spent 3 wks and $700 decorating her bedroom to make her feel more at home, I have taken her to movies just us two, I have went dress shopping for her dance, spent hours talking with her when she was missing her mom, picked her up from school, taken her to doc apps, and just everything I do for my own two daughters.... and then some, even to a degree where my daughter feels left out at times or like I have given more attention to my SD than her. But.........no matter what I do and how hard I try it is never enough. My step daughter truly hates me. She has written that down before on paper and even wrote once that she wishes I would die. If I correct her for not following a rule of the house or not wearing appropriate clothes I am 'mean'. I can spend hours with her doing something and ten minutes later if I get onto her (no different than my own daughter) immediantly I am 'mean' to her and she is back to hating me for weeks. My SD's grandma is a source of alot of these problems. She seems to think of me as the devil and the two of them bad mouth me so bad on her visits with her that she comes home in these awful hateful moods to me. Well, for years I have handled the whole 'evil step mom' sterotype.... we all have. I undertand and even expect to be seen as the 'bad guy' to my step kids, my SD's grandma, and all the outsiders looking in that have never had to be a step parent..... but now all of a sudden I get onto her the other night and have been so aggrevated with her lately.... and my husband tells me that "SD has done nothing wrong to me, I am the adult and I need to deal. the way I handle things with her are wrong and mean" so....... I have toughed it out through many things with my blended family, because through it all I thought my husband and I were a team and as long as we stay united it would all work out. I am now made aware it is not that way. I am seem by SK's and my husband as the bad guy in what is quickly becoming a divided household. I can tell my own daughter "I said do it now get it done" just like any parent when they have said 3 times to do a chores or pick something up..... I can say the same thing in the same way to SD and she and my husband think I am mean to her. Her behavior is insane. the things she gets away with aggrivate me to no end. I try to say 'ok, I will let him deal with her and her behavior', but he doesn't and then I am getting hounded by the school teachers with emails about what she did that day. Also, ignoring her and her bad behavior doesn't work because our two little daughters (ages 10 and 6) are watching all of this and thinking it is acceptable behavior and it is not. I have tried to be patient and understanding to what she has been through...... I can't imagine. But, the constant strain on our home over this is too much. SD takes up 70% of my husbands time with her needs, her tantrums, her getting in trouble with school. And you can't go anywhere and try to enjoy yourself b/c you never know how she is gonna behave. We try to go out to eat and have a nice dinner and she crosses her arm, puts her hair in her face and throws a temper tantrum over whatever event took place that day to piss her off. My daughter (10) tries to talk about her friend or what happened to her that day at the dinner table and SD is constantly putting her down and saying "okay, thats not even funny" or whatever her rude comment is that day. No one can speak their mind without her rude comments. And husband allows it, but if our 10 year old says something to SD then she is yelled at by husband. Why is everything based around her? Why is she treated kinder and more understood by him than the rest of us? I once was told by someone that I seem to "resent SD because of her intrusion on my household"..... this was about a year ago and I remember thinking 'that is a rude comment... this poor kid.... how could I resent her? ......she has had a hard life...." I took that comment very hard and felt so insulted that someone thought I was so mean to feel that way towards this kid who I had always shown much love to.... since she was 3. But....... that comment is beginning to make more and more since. As awful as it makes me feel to admit... I think I am beginning to feel that way. I want to be this great SM who is there for this kid and helps her make it through this rough time and grow into a healthy adult, but I am becoming increasingly aggrivated and worn out with her antics and often embarrassing behavior. I am resentful that she is constantly the focus in the house, over me and all the other kids. I am tired of not being able to go on vacation or to dinner or a family event without worrying about how she is gonna behave. And now the final blow was hearing my husband say he felt I was being mean to her. That he also felt I was the 'bad guy' and I cause most of the problems between me and her. Wow. That is hard to hear. Cried myself to sleep. I am not this mean person. I am very kind and caring..... but this situation is making me nutts and is turning me into this resentful person. I feel like my two daughters are losing me. The real me. And I can't believe my own husband now feels like SD does about me. Why bother if no one appreciate me or sees how I have tried? Even the person who is suppose to be there for me and put me first thinks I am mean to his child. I feel so lost and depressed and feel that the family and marriage I have worked so hard on for 10 years is falling apart. Any advice please share. Thank you for your time.

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