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Article

Posted by mom2emall (My Page) on
Mon, Apr 20, 09 at 10:12

On the thread about the mom who left her children someone posted a link to an article about stepmoms.

http://www.divorcesource.com/CA/ARTICLES/diener6.html

Did you all read this? What do you think about it?

I guess I found part of it to be true. Me and my sd's do bond over girly things....painting our nails at home together..going to get haircuts together...I even took one of my sd's to get highlights before. And I do see how they turn out as a direct reflection on me and my dh since we are the ones primarily raising them.

The part I did not like was when it said something about how stepmoms try to make their stepdaughters mini versions of them. I do not try to make my sd's like me. But I am their "mom" so they do try to model themselves after me. They do things I do and like things I like. But they also have some of their own characteristics as well. I do not think it is different than if they lived with bm. Then they would do things she did.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Article

Hmmm. I read it.

I can't relate *too* well because I don't have a SD, just a SS and my bio DD.

I didn't really think, though, that the article had much to do with step-parenting. I thought it could have just as easily been written about a bio mother/daughter relationship. I think a lot of moms tend to project their own ideals onto their daughters, and try to mold them into what they think they should be.

I guess I don't really see how this problem is about stepmoms and stepdaughters. It could just as easily be fathers and sons, or mothers and daughters.


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RE: Article

I browsed the article, didn't have time to read the whole thing, my impression was that some stepmother are trying to erase mother's influence, erase anything what relates to their mothers and want their stepdaughters mimic them, not their mothers (unless mothers aren't in the picture). I think it is a very awful thing to do to stepchildren. as stepchildren point out they want respect from their stepparents, they don't want to pretend that their mothers don't exist. I think it said that that if mothers do not live in the same household, it doesn't mean they don't exist. i agree wiht that.

of course if mothers are replaced by stepmothers it is a different story.


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RE: Article

bingo!

too many stepmoms step in and over their roles.


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RE: Article

I posted the article and I think the concept could've been tweaked better but overall I found it useful.

I don't think they are saying just girly things, but what is an important value to the stepmom -- she tries to pass on in differing degrees. And there is no problem with that, really, like Love said it can be in any family scenario.

But what the problem is and I've seen it as a stepkid and have talked to many other stepkids who said the same thing, is that many times the stepmom does not validate to the kid what is real to them and many times, tries to erase that. It could be a different style of dress and it really doesn't matter WHO is on what spectrum, stepmom or biomom, but it is seen as an affront to the child to be persuaded, bribed or demanded to change for the stepmom solely. While Mom raised the child differently, it can cut to their core. No matter how much stepmom thinks she is right or has a better parenting style, the child still see's it as an attack on them. And I'm not saying it's everything the stepmom does, but it is the amount of times, the amount of altering and the way it is presented.

Well take here for instance, if ANY one of us were to step into any posters life here and tried to change the child to our personal standards, how do you think your child would feel? Even very minor things, I let my daughter play with Bratz, my best friend HATES them. So say she become my daughters stepmom and outlawed Bratz in her home because it's her rules, her home, right? Well do it enough times to the same things Mom allows and/or has taught the child, what do you think the child will start thinking?

Even with kids who have lost their mom and have a replacement mom, they still WANT something of their Mom's to live on. They still want to see themselves in their Mom, no matter how bad of a Mom she might've been for abandoning them.


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RE: Article

I think there are a lot of SMs out there that don't recognize the individual greatness of their SC because they are too busy being jealous or envious of their DH's X. So they have no real reason for not allowing something that BM would allow, like Nivea said. They just do it because it's "their house".

I have the opposite problem with my SO's DD. As long as I've known her, BM has made the rules for her at SO's (and now mine, too) house. If BM says DD is going to start eating more fish, SO had better go buy some fish. If BM says DD must call her after every activity, boy she's whippin out that phone. Does she do those things at her house? No. She rarely calls SO because she's so busy with all her activities that keep her from coming here (4 months now).

There is a line I draw, though. That is when the debauchery she listens to on her ipod, watches on TV, and texts to her friends starts effecting my DS. For instance, I don't let DS listen to the raunchy songs SO's DD can. So, if she wants to listen to them, she can wear the headphone or go somewhere else. She does not get the password to the satellite while she's here to watch MTV.

Also, she and DS were talking one day and a friend texted her. It was all about how some guy wanted to "f--k" her and all this nasty stuff. She told DS that if he told her dad that she would tell him that he said the "f" word. Hell no! BM wants to allow language like that, she can keep it at her house.


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