Adult Stepchild moving back in... I'm less than thrilled
husbandchuck
14 years ago
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imamommy
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
I'm BA-ACK!! With move-in pics. :)
Comments (60)Susanka - I would love a list of those deer resistant plants. We want to do some major backyard landscaping in the spring and I would love to be armed with that info. I would hate to spend 500.00 on my new pets lunch. :) The windows we have are Anderson Silver line. Our ceilings are 8ft in the breakfast area and slant up to 16 feet in the great room. Our windows range from 36" wide to 72" wide and are 75" tall. Our builder wanted us to put the deck on the side of the house so we wouldn't have to look at it thru the window. I didn't want the deck on the side because it's less private, wouldn't look right with our home and I wanted the deck to have the best view since we are outdoorsy people. I held my ground but suddenly (because of my builder) worried that I wouldn't like seeing the deck from the inside. All of those worries were for nothing. It doesn't bother me at all. I like being able to see the family from inside and it's not like it totally obstructs the inside view. The only thing I can't see is the patio underneath it. I keep it neat and clutter free so it's a nice view of the deck and is inviting. I definitely feel it was the right decision and I don't think you will be bothered by it at all....See MoreAsk an adult stepchild
Comments (13)I have a few questions for the adult stepchildren regarding a situation we're having. I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you as much info as possible. My DH is the most gentle & considerate man I've ever met and is deeply wounded that this situation has only worsened since we've married. Maybe you can help us. Please bear with me.... My SD is estranged from DH after continually lying to him throughout her life and not following through with behavioral promises she made. DH says she was always a pathological liar and is a manipulator and he cannot trust her. She manipulates by "crying, lying & playing victim" to gain sympathy. I have personally witnessed her throwing a 3-year old's tantrum at the age of 21 - throwing herself on the floor and faking loud boo-hoos upon slamming her bedroom door when she was told there would be consequences to her latest lie. Her younger brother continually falls for this - DH used to when she was younger. He would end up comforting her when she would start to whimper & cry. He felt sorry for her at the time b/c she was young. DH made several counseling appointments for her when she was living with him. She would go once or twice and then stop. She went on depression meds a few different times and then would stop. When she was unpset with DH, she would hang up on him, one time telling him "F...Y.., Dad!" She never apologized for any of the hang-ups nor for cursing at her father. He has been at wits' end trying to get her to help herself but she refuses to do so - it seems she would rather manipulate to get her way rather than take any responsibility for her emotional health. This is not an adolescent child or a young teenage girl - this is a married woman with a child. Her husband has become her protector and when she "cries, lies & plays victim" he comes to her rescue to defend her. She even went so far as to lie to him early in their marriage, telling him that she had attempted suicide when she was young. DH had to be the one to tell her hubby that this event never happened. Her hubby was appalled and asked DH "Why didn't you tell me this before I married her?" DH's response was: "I'm really sorry....I guess I was hoping she wouldn't do this to you". Over the past several months, she has begun to systematically destroy SS's relationship with his father. It appears she is succeeding b/c SS has begun acting cold & rude towards DH. SS lives on his own in another town and DH only speaks with him every few weeks. Recently, SS has made comments in SD's favor trying to get DH to feel sorry for her, hoping to excuse her behavior. DH calmly replied that she needs to get herself some professional help. No one need suffer with depression indefinitely anymore. There is help for those who want it. SD continually shut DH out whenever he tried to find out what problems she was dealing with. We know there are no drugs or alcohol involved - this has been a life-long pattern with her. To add to the mix, DH says that SD was always jealous of SS's close relationship with him and we're wondering if she has used a guilt tactic over the years (to her advantage) whereby causing SS to feel guilty that he & DH have a good relationship. This may be why he so readily feels sorry for her - out of guilt. He is not particularly close with her since they've both moved on into their own lives. Her mother was a workaholic who did not partner with DH in disciplining SD about her continual lies - DH says she was not present when he would talk to SD about the lying and when the mother was informed, she did not think it was that big of a problem. The mother had an affair when the children were in their late teens and the marriage dissolved. I met DH two years after the divorce. The mother married her lover four months before we married and then began to show up at places where DH & I were (coincidentally?). She also did this when DH went out on his first date with another woman before me - SD had told her where the couple were going to be. She came by their table and flaunted her lover, acting surprised that DH was there. QUESTIONS: 1) Would it be beneficial for DH to broach the subject of his estrangement with SS23? 2) If so, what would be a good way in which to broach this subject? 3) If SS says he doesn't want to "get involved", should DH tell him he suspects that it's too late for that by the way he is treating DH and ask that SS give DH a chance to explain his truth about the situation? 4) Or, should DH leave SS23 alone and trust that he will mature one day and realize that his sister is not trustworthy and manipulates people for her own benefit? Thank you so much for advice!!...See MoreAdult Stepchild Website/Message Board
Comments (138)"... Anyway it's a balance between having some empathy for a fellow human being... vs. excusing behavior that should not be continuing or exonerated regardless of where it stems from. It's a bit odd to think of it this way, but I imagine this is the dilemma many well-meaning step-parents face with their SK's who have various behavior problem." I think you're right!! A very fine balance. And I agree that SP have this kind of issue when dealing with SK. And bio parents with kids too. Yes, you've been hurt and are damaged, but it's still not ok to __________. My SM's father committed suicide and her mother is even worse than she is. I call her Maid Marian. We visited her once, and SM says to my daughter, this is your great-grandmother. And Maid M. says, who is a great grandmother. And SM says, you are mom, I am ________ SM, and her daughter is my granddaughter, which makes you her greatgrandmother. And MM says, no I'm not!!!! Wow. Talk about an eye opener. And this is in front of my four year old. I didn't expect a s-grandma at the old age of 18 when they met, have never gotten presents, etc from her, and don't begrudge her not wanting to be my grandma, but to say that in front of a little girl!? At least my daughter wasn't really paying attention. So my SM grew up with a toxic BM. And my SM was kidnapped and psycologically/physically tortured in her early 20's. And and and. I do feel sorry for her. But the balance comes in, because i didn't have a perfect childhood either, but I don't drag it along behind me in a gunny sack. My SM does the same thing as your SM (it sounds like it anyway). She pulls poor me and manipulates everyone into falling into her "I'm so damaged and mistreated so I deserve to be treated like a princess" trap. Then whoever calls her on it is automatically cast in the role of big bad wolf....See MoreNeed Advice on adult stepchild
Comments (14)Well the girl got pregnant and has a kid...can not change that now. Most 20 year olds can't support themselves, let alone a child! So you do need a plan! Not sure what state you live in, but most states have things in place to help young moms improve their lives. I got pregnant at 18, while I was in my first year of college. After my son was born I applied for financial aid for school (having a child no longer makes you a dependant and your eligible for tons of grant $). I got a full-ride for community college and lots paid for university. I got daycare assistance so my son attended daycare while I worked full-time and went to school full-time, and I only paid a bit for childcare. I lived at home with my dad during college and while he helped me with my son, he made it clear that he was not a live-in babysitter. After graduating college I got an apartment and began working full-time. A year later I bought my first house. If my dad had thrown me out on the street I would probably be living paycheck to paycheck and having a pretty rough life. Maybe you and your wife can get her to enroll in college and work while putting her child is in daycare. She will not be around much to cause trouble at home (and when she is around she will have homework and want to spend time with her child). Then and she will be working to build a good future for her and her child. One where she will not be trying to move home and borrow money from you and your wife constantly. I bet your wife would be more apt to listen to you if you had a plan like helping her daughter get an education and then moving out instead of telling her you want her daughter out asap and no plans to help her....See Moremattie_gt
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomlly
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolamom
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomom2emall
14 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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