Adult Stepchild moving back in... I'm less than thrilled
husbandchuck
14 years ago
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imamommy
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
I'm very conflicted about moving. Advice please?
Comments (20)kec, I live in the Midway. It is a rather large area and there are really nice parts but I managed to move into a not-so-great part. With the potential for the coming of light rail down University Ave.--close to me--it is just so hard to predict what will happen to the neighborhood. It is funny, when I moved here straight out of graduate school (and years of living in graduate type housing) I thought the area was cool--shabby chic. Slowly I came to realize it was just shabby, not chic, and at age 50 my tolerance for such things is gone. I want to emphasize though that I've been blessed with great neighbors on both sides of me and I realize you can find yourself in much, much worse situations. What is very disturbing is the several rentals on the block, with absentee landlords, who keep renting to successions of loud, obnoxious, even scarey renters. Kec, too, funny you mention it but the realtor who sold me this house (and became a friend of mine, now retired) was from that Edina on Grand office. I'm going to call her out of retirement to consult. BTW, where did you move in Chicagoland (as they say)? I grew up in LaGrange. time2sell (and others), your experience is so helpful. Even though I'm in perfect health, very young feeling and acting, I (obviously) don't like to move often and thus am planning for the future. Frankly, I was hoping to be married by now--but that's not occurred--so I'm thinking it might be best to go the condo route with the idea that I might be there into old age. While I have the usual postcard stamp-size urban yard, it does become a burden to care for everything yourself, both inside and out. As someone suggested I'd try to look for a condo or town house or whatever with a shared garden, or some possibility of doing some gardening. On the other hand, if the right one came along, I would consider a single family home also. Continued thanks for all your replies. They are very reflective and motivating. It is nice to hear that others were as attached as I am to a house, but then moved with no regrets. I am a decisive person generally, and feel kind of foolish finding this decision so hard and emotionally-laden. I realize that it has a lot to do with the other baggage that comes with middle age and reflecting on where you've been and where you want to be. . ....See MoreThe stepchild that hates my guts now wants to move in with us
Comments (22)I appreciate all the comments and concerns, and I wanted to reply to a few comments that were made here. First of all, to any poster that made the comment that I shouldn't have married a man if I didn't want his children. This is NOT the case. I explained that I did everything in my power to make his daughters feel comfortable in my home, and my SD just does not appreciate that from me. I don't know about all of you, but living under the same roof with someone who refuses to talk to you isn't a comfortable situation for me. And yes, maybe a part of me was selfish in wanting to at least have one month of getting used to being married before picking up the full time mother status, but I don't feel like I am in the wrong for that at all. I personally don't feel like our situation will be the best for her. DH works 12 hour days, and sometimes 6 days a work. I work fulltime, plus go to school. We are barely home as it is. I have already made it clear that his decision to let her move in will not interrupt my classwork, and that I am not a soccer mom. She is very active in sports, and I know that part of her motivation for moving in was that her BM only let her participate in one sport at a time. (He would let her do as many as possible.) I have recently started to feel sort of bad for SD. Ever since her decision to move in with us, her BM has basically shut her out. She doesn't attend her games, and has made a point to devote more time to her own stepchildren (She married a man with 4). However, I have a hard time believing SD when she talks about how badly she's being treated at home, because used to say similar things about me. Long story short, I'm just going to have to suck this up. I'm planning on making an appt with a therapist to make sure that I handle everything the right way, and all my stress doesn't drive me insane. Again, thank you for all of the advice. I may not be too thrilled about her being here full-time, but she is just a child. I have the power to influence her, and maybe I can correct her bad attitude and things will get better. But she will only get worse if everyone acts like they hate her because of this. Thanks again....See MoreAdult Stepchild Website/Message Board
Comments (138)"... Anyway it's a balance between having some empathy for a fellow human being... vs. excusing behavior that should not be continuing or exonerated regardless of where it stems from. It's a bit odd to think of it this way, but I imagine this is the dilemma many well-meaning step-parents face with their SK's who have various behavior problem." I think you're right!! A very fine balance. And I agree that SP have this kind of issue when dealing with SK. And bio parents with kids too. Yes, you've been hurt and are damaged, but it's still not ok to __________. My SM's father committed suicide and her mother is even worse than she is. I call her Maid Marian. We visited her once, and SM says to my daughter, this is your great-grandmother. And Maid M. says, who is a great grandmother. And SM says, you are mom, I am ________ SM, and her daughter is my granddaughter, which makes you her greatgrandmother. And MM says, no I'm not!!!! Wow. Talk about an eye opener. And this is in front of my four year old. I didn't expect a s-grandma at the old age of 18 when they met, have never gotten presents, etc from her, and don't begrudge her not wanting to be my grandma, but to say that in front of a little girl!? At least my daughter wasn't really paying attention. So my SM grew up with a toxic BM. And my SM was kidnapped and psycologically/physically tortured in her early 20's. And and and. I do feel sorry for her. But the balance comes in, because i didn't have a perfect childhood either, but I don't drag it along behind me in a gunny sack. My SM does the same thing as your SM (it sounds like it anyway). She pulls poor me and manipulates everyone into falling into her "I'm so damaged and mistreated so I deserve to be treated like a princess" trap. Then whoever calls her on it is automatically cast in the role of big bad wolf....See MoreGetting Adult Step Children to Move OUT
Comments (20)Thank you all for giving me advice. The SD does work part time as a hairstylist. She did go to school for it and does not have her license yet. When she first moved in, my DH (her Dad) told her the BF could NOT move in. He told her that before we moved her stuff in and again once she was settled in. When he told her again that day she said "What?? BF can't stay here too??" He said "No, I told you that! He is 27 and has been in and out of jail and I don't trust him in my home!" Well, she was ticked. So, she said, "Well, I'll just leave my stuff here and we will go over to Mom's to sleep at night". So, that is what they did for a month or so. (DH did not make her pay rent right away) So, after a month or so, DH said "Well, your BF can spend the weekends here only" That went on for another month or so and then the BF had to go serve some jail time for some fines he hadn't paid. So, he was gone most of the summer. We only charged her a small amount to stay here while he was gone. Then he got out of jail and my DH said "Well, he can live here too as long as you pay rent". The rent they pay barely covers the cost of the utilities they use a month. It doesn't cover the cost of the phone, cable, wear and tear on my washer and dryer let alone the inconvience of having them be here. My DH does not let me have a voice in any of these things. I am VERY assertive and I do make him aware of my opinion but in the end he just tells me I need to stay out of it. Here is an example of what happened yesterday: BF left for work (a co-worker picks him up for his job since he has no drivers license) Then SD left for her job. I had a paid day off from work. So, I go downstairs to their "area" and I take a quick look around. In the 9 months that they have been in this house I have only done this 3 times. My DH and I do want to make sure that things are not broken down there or filthy. So, about a month ago I had left them a note to please clean out the frig and clean out the shower-it was disgusting. Well, I looked down there yesterday and not a thing has changed. They totally blew the note off. So, I went and moved all the bottles of shampoo, shavers and etc in the shower to the middle of the shower so they could see how gross it was. There was actually mold growing under everything. That is ridiculous! I have no desire to make them do their dishes or shampoo carpets or whatever-cause I don't want to nit-pic, but some things have to be handled. DH got home from work and we went out to eat. We came back and SD had an envelope on our kitchen counter that said "DAD" So he opens it. She wrote a note that said: Dad, someone was in our bedroom today because the over head fan was off and we always leave it on. Also, someone put all our stuff from our shower in the middle of the shower and I know it's dirty but since we pay rent 'no one' should be snooping in our stuff" So, DH looks at me. I said "Yeah, I did look in the shower and put the stuff in the middle, I told you it's moldy in there but No, I did NOT look in the bedroom" So, he goes downstairs and speaks to her. He comes up and I said "So, what is the verdict? What did you say to her?" He looked at me and said "I don't want to be a referrery between you two". So, he left it at that. He did mumble something about how he would "look at the bathroom in a few days" God, how lame. I have no voice in this crap. No matter what I do, I'm the "bad guy". If SD thinks I'm not going to inspect that area now and then to make sure nothings broken or disgustingly filthy she's got another thing coming!! Yes, my DH and his Ex are at fault for not raising them they way they should. He Ex always wanted to be her girls BF not a Mother. DH got sick of always fighting with her about how she would let them off the hook when he grounded them for doing something wrong. So, after a while he gave up and didn't punish them at all. He knows he is at fault for not standing up to her and doing the right thing....See Moremattie_gt
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomlly
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolamom
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomom2emall
14 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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