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Need advice

Posted by mdublin (My Page) on
Sun, Apr 11, 10 at 8:12

I have found out that I am pregnant. I now need to decide what to do. The father of my child already has a 9 year old son who lives with him Monday thru Friday. The father struggles with money and I have to pay for everything when we go anywhere. I do not want my child to grow up in a broken home, however I do not want to raise another woman's child, financially or otherwise. I already know that I resent the fact that I did not give a man his first child and I do not see my view changing. I do love my boyfriend however had already decided that we did not have a future due to my feelings about his child and ex. I guess he will have to be in my future now, in one form or another. As for the child, he is a good kid, however he is not mine and I believe I will always resent that. I do not want the responsibility of raising a child that is not mine. I feel selfish for having these feelings but I can not seem to change it despite trying. As for the ex, I found out nine months into the relationship that they were talking 10 times a day. I had to tell my boyfriend that it was ridiculous and that they needed to set boundaries. I resent that he had to be told, which reminds me, he has to be told common sense things about raising a child: Such as he needs to stop running around town on school nights and making his child do his homework and study (was failing, now on honor role). Point is he has to be told everything. I did not plan this and don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I would be happier to raise the children on my own and the father can come see them whenever he wanted to, but then is that the best decision for my children. I want his child and mine to be happy. I fear that my resentment will hurt everyone involved if I stay with him. I have told my boyfriend my feelings when he wanted to discuss our future together, but hopes that I will change my mind and marry him. If I could change my feelings I would but it bothers me to the core. I have tried to see the positive side of having a step-child and dealing with an ex, but i can't see it. Any advice would be appreciated.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Need advice

mdublin,

Well, first, I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot. But, in a way, you are seeing a blessing in disguise. Your boyfriend is already showing you what kind of parent he is with his first child. Expect that he will be the same with yours and that he won't improve with his own.

If you don't want the responsibility of raising a child that is not your own you have your answer on marrying this man especially since he seems to have primary custody.

I can't advise you about your own pregnancy, my story is just too different. But marriage is very tough and marraige to someone with different ideas about parenting and a stepchild to boot is a super tough.

And when you have your baby, you are NOT going to want to keeping footing bills for this man and his child.


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RE: Need advice

why is he struggling with money and why are you paying for everything including his child? You are not even married yet support able bodied person?

is he temporarily unemployed or underemployed or he is generally the type of person who cannot make a living?

And what is up with talking to ex 10 times a day? what about?

Well he does not sound like somebody you want to marry right away or have a family, he has too many unresolved issues.

As about baby, i am not sure how to advice here and what are your views on terminating pregnancy and so on, cannot advice, it is too personal.

You have options of terminating it (0nce again i don't know where you stand on it and I am not telling you to do it, just saying it is one of the options), or have baby on your own. I think it is not a good option for you to have a family with this guy together. You'll end up raising 3 children, your child, his child and then your boyfriend.


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I think either way you go you are going to be dealing with a "step" situation. It will either be his ex & son if you stay w/ him, or if you don't perhaps he will marry someone else and you will be dealing with your child having a step mom along with all the visitation stuff that goes along with not being with your childs father
I think the best thing to do is weigh your options long term about each scenario. Think about what you can live with and what you can live without. You will never treat his son as your own cause he is not your own, but what you can do is make a commitment to treat his son, the same way you would want a step parent to treat your future child. It is quite possible that what irks you now about the boys BM calling will be you one day. Just something to think about!
Good luck to you and the new baby!


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If you decide to have this baby, that man is going to be his father.

So he will be in your life as that baby's Dad for the next 20+ years. Will he magically become a better Dad? Highly unlikely. Will he magically become financially responsible? (You can answer that better than I can.) You already know you don't want to be his wife and raise his other child... How will his next serious girlfriend feel about helping raise TWO different kids from TWO different mothers? It's likely she won't be any happier about it than you are...

If you're not desparate to have this baby no matter what, this might be a good time to chose another option. Either terminating the pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption avoids a whole lot of problems down the road...


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There are conflicts in some of your statements... you resent the child being someone else's and you know the resentment is not good for the children or your relationship with the father, yet you would be happier to be raising both children on your own because that would be the best decision for the kids?

Why isn't the child with his mother? If the father is not the better parent, then maybe the child should go live with his mother... if she will take him. If your boyfriend IS the better parent and you still find him inadequate parent material... then I would seriously rethink having a child with him. There are options and I do not support abortion, however bringing children into the world to suffer is even less desirable so adoption or abortion may be the best options based on what you've said.

There is no guarantee that you would get custody of the child you are carrying. God forbid, if anything were to happen to you, he would most likely have both children to raise. You do not consider him parent material and yet, you are choosing to have a child with him. The first child was not your choice, but this one is... do what you think is best for YOUR situation... the situation with him, his ex & their child is for THEM to work out. If you stay with him & are helping to raise his child, that's one thing. How his child is raised is between him & his ex and really, the only say you may really have is how things are done in your house when you live together. But you are not married to him and you have no obligation to financially support him or his child (isn't the mother paying support?) You may rest assured that you will be supporting the new baby on your own if he is already struggling with his first child and himself.

Some big decisions need to be made... and they need to be decisions that you can live with.


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this thread is another proof of importance of planned pregnancies and proper use of birth control, guess who will suffer consequences of irresponsible behavior of adults...


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Amen, fd!


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First I would like to clarify. I have been using birth control and apparently it did not work this time. Have had it implanted two times now and it had always worked in the past. Sometimes accidents happen or maybe God has a plan of his own. Also some people apparently do not read things thoroughly and then give advice, really not helpful.


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RE: Need advice

you are dating and financially supporting a guy who cannot support himself or his own child, does not know how to raise his own child, and is attached to his ex or something else is going on between them(10 times a day?).

maybe pregnancy was accidental but everything else is not. dating a man with children (while resenting a child), dating irresponsible man, supporting him financially, sleeping with him (that's how people get pregnant you know) is not accidental, those are all choices.

OK so you make some poor choices and it is because G_d has plans of his own. No comments.


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Most everything in life is about choices. Regardless, baby is coming and that isn't going to change unless you abort or put him/her up for adoption, and that is also your choice. Have you really sat down and thought about if you want to have this baby? I think thats the first step. If you do, then you will need to make some tough choices.
This baby will need both of his/her parents, in a perfect world, both you and future dad should be able to sit down and make some compromises and changes before this baby comes so that baby will be able to have both parents in the home. Why compromise? because it's not about you anymore, it's about baby. If you can't see eye to eye, then you know what you need to do. (hugs)


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RE: Need advice

Sweetie -- Romans 8:28.

My advice is stay in control of your future. If you marry the man, you give up some control. If you don't marry him, you can have your baby and sole custody and control of how much he sees the baby. You may even be able to still be a positive influence in the 9-year-old's life.

If you marry him and are miserable, you could very well hurt all four of you.

The fact that you are thinking hard tells me you would probably be a good mom. If you don't want to be a mom, though, give the baby up for adoption. There are so many moms who can't conceive.

In any case, strive to be a blessing and it will all work out.


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RE: Need advice

"If you don't marry him, you can have your baby and sole custody and control of how much he sees the baby."

Where is this?
U.S law gives fathers rights and responsabilities as well, and if Dad wants to be involved, odds are overwhelming that he can be.
Even if Dad doesn't want to be involved, the child is entitled to know his father and receive the benefit of child support (assuming Dad gets his act together).


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RE: Need advice

Abortion is an option or move away and dont tell him your pregnant then raise the baby alone. Both have moral and ethical issues. But why make a kid endure this when you can stop it from the get go. IMO.


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Sweeby:

If you get sole custody the fact of the matter is you have control. Do NOT do shared parenting or joint custody with someone who is not a parent. My point is this guy is lazy enough that she would have control by default -- all she has to do is take it. He has rights, but exercising them or having them enforced requires him to do something -- doesn't sound likely.


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Certainly possible...
But since he has majority custody of his first child, it's not the kind of thing you want to count on.


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sharon,

Getting sole custody requires a court to order it, unless the other parent consents. It isn't her choice. He may be lazy & she may get an initial order by default, but in reality he can decide at any time (ie. when he gets slapped with a child support order) that now he wants more time with the child or shared custody... and he is likely to get it. The CHILD is entitled to both parents being involved in his/her life... it is NOT about one parent having control over the situation and making a decision that the other parent should not have their rights because they are not the kind of parent they would like them to be. One side does NOT get to choose that and that is what OP needs to consider.

It is short sighted to give advice to someone based on the facts of just today, when the event of having a child continues on for at least 18 years... and even the worse deadbeat parent may decide to assume a role in the child's life and the custodial parent may have NO say in it. My oldest son's father showed up when my son was almost 5 years old & it was devastating to me to have to introduce MY son to this stranger that had nothing to do with MY son until he was ordered to pay support.

I would urge OP to consider the long term of her decision.


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"If you don't marry him, you can have your baby and sole custody and control of how much he sees the baby"

this is not true at all. it is not up to one parent how much the other parent will see a child and it is certainly not true that you will have sole custody just because you weren't married. not true at all.


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sharon

"He has rights, but exercising them or having them enforced requires him to do something -- doesn't sound likely. "

this man already has custody of his child and his child lives with him so he clearly is exercising his rights just fine.

it is selfish and immature to deliberately have children hoping that the other parent will not be involved. Children are not toys and have their rights too. OP clearly is not very mature to begin with why are you advising her to make more selfish choices?


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RE: Need advice

Furthur clarification. First, my boyfriend was laid-off and then got a job paying a quarter of what he used to make. Money is not an issue for me as I am educated and make plenty of money to support myself or anybody else that comes along. The money becomes an issue when I have to support a child that I did not bring into this world. I did not plan to have a future with my boyfriend we were just dating and I was taking all the precautions that I had in the thirteen year relationship I got out of and never had a problem before. I understand the ramifications this could have on every one involved. Family and friends pushing me to just leave, however no one realizes it is not that simple and I do think that the child has a right to know and have a relationship with their father. I do resent that I will not give a man his first child, however I do not resent his child as a person. His child is innocent and did not ask to be here, and I treat him with the utmost respect when he is around me. I also was the one who helped his father get custody because the mother was using the child as a paycheck and is using drugs. He tries to be a good father, but needs to be told things that I view as common sense about raising a child. i can say that when i suggest it he runs with it. As for talking to the ex ten times a day, he states that he was arguing with her all day. I discussed with him the need for boundaries ( I am upset that he had to be told) and to be respectful rather than yell because all it does is put her on the defensive. he listened and the phone calls have stopped to only once a week since he got physical custody. The mother does not even act like her child exists now that she does not get money for him. The child tells me that his mother and stepfather do not spend any time with him and constantly send him to watch telelvision in another room. he is fine there as long as he does not get in their way. It is a sad situation all around for this child and I feel for him, but he is also not my responsibility. It may seem heartless but I can not take on every one elses problems rather I need to focus on what is best for my biological child first and foremost. My financial resources will go to my child. I do pay for every extracurricular actvity that we do now, however my boyfriend mows my lawn, fixes my cars and does home repairs. He does try to make up for the money issue, but my thoughts are if he can not afford to even go out to eat on the weekends how is he supposed to pay for two children. Thanks again to all those who gave advice without judgement. Even the advice I don't agree with is appreciated because one must be open to other ways of thinking. Advice is just that, advice, take what you want and throw the rest away. BTW read what was written before responding, For instance, I never stated that the father would not be in the child's life, he just may not live in the home. He would live only fifteen minutes away and have full access to the child any time he wanted to.


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after clarifications it appears that this poor man is not a problem here at all, he takes care of a child (you think he needs to be doing it your way but how do you know?),

in nowadays economy is understandable to struggle financially-he was laid off, he raises his child on his own, mom is on drugs

he has job difficulty yet mows your lawn and fixes your car and does your home repair? so you pay for extras, who cares

you resent that he has another child yet decided to have a relationship with him? If you resent a child it was very immature decision to date a man with children. and you cannot simply "date" men with children without serious plans, you enter children's lives and then you leave, it damages poor children.

did you tell this guy that you resent him having a child? because if you did not, then you led him on.

I feel terrible for this man, his child and unborn child if you choose to keep him/her. They all are victims of poor choices.


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RE: Need advice

mdublin - I have no advice to give you about your current situation, that hasn't been well-said by others. I just would like to point out that financial circumstances can change. As finedreams said, this economy is not good at all and it is quite possible that soon enough most of the financial difficulties diminish. It is also possible that someday you may end up having money problems; there are plenty of well-educated, experienced people out of work right now.

I am sure that it is frustrating to have to tell him common-sense things, but remember that a lot of men had very little experience with domestic tasks until they became adults. So things that we may view as obvious, because we've been taught them since age five, are not so to some men because they were learning how to... mow lawns and work on the car, as your BF does for you. The fact that he listens and implements your suggestions is very encouraging.

Your feelings about your BF's son may also change over time. Right now, you are a childless woman so of course a kid is going to cramp your lifestyle. Soon enough you may have your own baby, who is going to demand a lot more time than a nine year old does.

I'm not saying that you should plan what you want to do based on best-case scenarios, but if you truly love this man, and if he tries his best, you might not want to plan based on worst case scenarios either. It sounds to me like you really need some time alone to seriously think about what you can never live with, and what you might be able to compromise on. Good luck!


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mdublin,

If you don't want to raise this man's first child and you don't like how your BF is doing it then to me the answer is clear.

Also, I agree with Sharon, you could probably end of with sole legal custody of the new baby if you decide to have it and keep it. Your BF would have to be VERY aggressive to have some other scenario. I know many women who passively ended up with complete legal and physical custody of their children by not starting a big court fight but by allowing the dad's to see the kids when they wanted without any real rights. The dads see the kids but the mother has the control.

Anyway, your first post wasn't all about parental rights and so on, it was about marrying a man with a child, your potential step child with another baby on the way and disagreements on child rearing.

For the people on this board it's clear, break it off and make whatever decisions about your pregnancy. But we aren't dating this man, we are not connected emotionally or financially and we won't be the ones dealing with him forever if you 1. Marry him which means marrying his kid too 2. Have the baby without marrying him.

You have to answer that one for yourself. I feel for you.


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RE: Need advice

You admit to having "resentment" that your boyfriend already has a child. The child came into his life first and deserves better. Please try to imagine your child being raised by someone that resents him/her. You can't cover it up and it will have lasting effects on everyone in the house.


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I live in the state with highest unemployment rate and terrible economic situation, not only people are out of jobs, those who do work had to take pay cuts. going out on the weekends is certainly not a priority, most people with children currently do not go out and do not travel. it is funny to complain that he cannot pay for your weekends outings. too funny. like eating out is life major goal.


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Quote: "I also was the one who helped his father get custody because the mother was using the child as a paycheck and is using drugs. He tries to be a good father, but needs to be told things that I view as common sense about raising a child. i can say that when i suggest it he runs with it."

This is where it becomes confusing. If he runs with your suggestions, then aren't you getting from him what you need? He might lack what is common sense to you, but he listens to you which I think would solve your problem? But yet it doesn't. He tries to be a good father, you acknowledge this yourself, so it just seems confusing to me.

Can I ask you honestly: Why did you help him get custody? Were you putting BM in her place (understandable, I get desires like that, regularly :-) or were you thinking of the child's needs? See, for your partner to get custody means you will be very much involved in the childs life. Which is exactly what you resent. So this is confusing for us when we read it. If you were trying to sort BM out, you were not thinking of the consequences as much maybe, ending up with a child you need to now care for..But now it's done, it's a consequence of your own actions. And you feel angry and resentful, also (mainly?) with yourself.

From your partner's point of view: He met a partner who was passionate enough about his child's welfare to motivate him into getting custody. It's a fair expectation on his behalf that his child is a welcome edition.

He did the right thing for his child, he's accepting help and feedback, he implements your suggestions, he sounds like a good guy to me.


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RE: Need advice

he sounds like a good guy to me too. he does not do anything indecent or selfish or unkind.

I see that OP's only issue with him is that he has a child, well she knew it when started dating. I don't know how old is OP but this behavior is not even OK for a 20-year-old.


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RE: Need advice

I did know he had a child but I did not plan to have a future with my boyfriend. I have been around his child about five times since we started dating and we have been dating for over a year now. I have not tried to become a part of the child's life because I did not have future plans with his father. I do treat his child with respect when he has been around. I did not plan to have a child with a man whom already had one. I do not think that going out to dinner is important but it is an example of how he has no money to support another family. I did not bring his child into this world therefore i should not have to raise him financially or otherwise. I have been very honest with my boyfriend about my feelings and he understands as he says he would not be with a woman who had a child. Finances may change but the fact that he would have a child living in my home that i would have to raise and support is not acceptable. The child's mother and him should support and raise the child. I helped him to get custody because the child was better off with him. I did not think about myself when I helped him get custody as I was not planning to have his child or a future with him. My mistake was being with a man with a child when I do not want to raise another woman's child. I even got an implant in my arm to prevent the pregnancy and this problem but evidently it did not work. As for my boyfriend listening to my suggestions, I feel like he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions. The suggestions I gave him did not benefit me in any way rather it benefited his child. I only see my boyfriend when he does not have his child, except for five times when I invited his son to participate in holiday activities that i thought he may enjoy. Fd you are hateful and I hope that you make a mistake one day and people treat you the same.


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RE: Need advice

I don't believe anyone's goal here is to be 'hateful' and you'll find not a one of us who has never made a mistake, but what you will find here is other peoples opinion and take of what a OP is posting.

You've seem to have put yourself into a hard place and I'm not sure what you hoped for with your initial posting. You're dating a man you find beneath you both moneywise and educational wise, you never intended a future with him (at least not after his money came crashing down), yet you included the child on 'holiday' then whine you have to pay for outtings...

Does not sound as if you've made the wisest choices.

It's a young girl fairytale that she'll meet "Mr. Perfect", give him his first and only children, life will be full of sunshine and happiness forever and ever...

But that's not your case nor is it his. I will assume if you've had a 13 yr relationship and now a second yr relationship that you are 30ish. Odds are against you that there is a perfect man out there just waiting for you to be his perfect mate and have your first children together. Most people in their 30's have either already had relationships (with baggage) or have very set plans/goals that do not include a personal family until they achieve that agenda if even then.

I don't see your problem being this child or the child's existance, you seem to be most unhappiest with the nam himself. He does not meet the standards of who and how you desire to live your life. He was 'fun' to play with but oops, now you find yourself with child.

You got two choices, you either accept this man and try to build a life together (forgetting your girlhood dream of Mr. Perfect) or you dump him and decide together what you intend to do about the future child which you will have to raise and share for at least the next 18 yrs. You've received plenty of decent advice posted in this thread, but then you already knew your options when you posted. So the bottomline, you've gotten advice you knew you'd hear and now the decisons are yours to make.

Only you can decide what is right for the three, soon to be four, people involved here.


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The cold hard fact is that birth control does not always work.
And like many other women, you've learned this the hard way.

Does your boyfriend know you are pregnant?
Is terminating the pregnancy an option you would even consider?
What about adoption?

You've got some really difficult choices to make, and frankly, NONE of them sound all that warm and fuzzy.

- Adoption would most likely provide a loving home for the child, a healthy child for two desparate would-be parents, and coverage of your medical bills and expenses. But you'd have to live with it, and your BF would probably have veto power, which, if exercised, would still keep you on the hook financially and emotionally, leaving you with even bigger problems.

- Terminating the pregnancy makes the problem go away, but again, you'd have to be OK with the decision. Some people aren't; many others are. You'd have to have the courage of your own convictions.

- Attempting to raise the child yourself as either a single parent or unwilling participant in a non-committed relationship -- well, you already know how that option feels.

Those ARE your only choices.

Some of the best relationship advice I ever got as a young woman was very simple: "Never have sex with a man you're not prepared to raise a child with unless you're willing to have an abortion." It seemed strange at the time -- but when you get right down to it, it's very sound and practical advice.


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"I did know he had a child." huh????

how could you possibly not know? how many dates does it take to find out?


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hateful here

"Fd you are hateful and I hope that you make a mistake one day and people treat you the same."

LOL I am just honest not hateful. I obviously hit the nerve though. Well good that it got you thinking!, maybe it would help you to avoid same mistakes next time. Do not have sex with men you are not seriously involved with. It would solve your problems. easy to fix.


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Also,
if you were never intending to get serious with this guy, then why did you even bother pushing him to get custody? If you have a fling with somebody you should not be worried about that part of his life, right? But you were that concerned about the welfare of the kid that you deemed it necessary to get yourself involved (by influencing to get custody). What a weird thing???

Have a fling and keep things light, or get involved and look after child's best interest. One or the other.

You say that you helped him get custody because it was the right thing for the child. So that makes me think you care about this child? But not enough to want child to be part of your life, or pay for child.

Frankly the whole money thing annoys me. I pay just as much for my skids as my FDH does and I couldn't care less. I'm just happy that we have enough money to do what we want to do. And BM will always try and get us to pay more, she's very entitled she thinks. We don't even fight that anymore, mostly we just pay for things that we want the skids to have/participate in.


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RE: Need advice

Thank you to all who have given their advice. My boyfriend and I have decided to terminate the pregnancy and go our separate ways. As for the custody the reason I helped is because I care about children in general. I would have helped a friend in the same way.


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RE: Need advice

Good luck to you. I am sure this is one of the hardest decisions you've had to make in your entire life. take care-


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When none of the options are good, sometimes that option is the least bad.
I wish you the best --


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RE: Need advice

Mdublin, I'm sorry you are in the position where you would have to make such a difficult decision. I wish you the best in the future.


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RE: Need advice

Sorry you have to make such difficult choice. Good luck in the future. Hugs


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RE: Need advice

Yes very difficult but brave decision, wishing you all the best.


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