Unfortunately my interpretation of events came out in a not very constructive way. I was upset about what JR had said about my daughter, and she knew this. When they called a few days later I tried to express my feelings in an honest way, wanting to be open and talk about how hurt I felt by what she’d said, but before I could get more than a few words out, JR became defensive and began listing all the reasons why having my daughter to stay was too big an ask. They had too many responsibilities, were too busy.
I tried to explain how much that odd night here and then meant to me and my daughter. Maybe I am being selfish, but the odd night off is something I really value. For my own sanity. I also want my daughter to spend time with her grandfather, uncles and JR...although from the day my daughter was born JR has made VERY clear she did not want to in any way be a grandmother, or be called anything but her first name – no granny or nan. NO WAY! My brothers used to joke about it calling her nanna-JR, because it got her real riled-up for some reason. Maybe because she thought she was too young to be a grandmother? I don’t know.

Anyway, my view that she had some jealousy issues came blurting out. Not in a nasty way, but it a strong way. I explained that I’d been a step mum too for awhile, and strong feelings towards first families (exs and kids) was common and natural.
What I got in response was weeks of nasty text messages.
I’ve lived a fairly unconventional lifestyle relative to my Dad, JR and my brothers. We don’t have a TV, I spend a lot of time in the garden, I listen to ethnic music and used to have dreadlocks and smoke pot. There were times I suspected JR saw me as a flaky hippy moocher. After my fiancé died I moved home for 6 months and didn’t work. When things went sour with my daughter’s father years later, again I stayed at my Mum and HBs until I got back on my feet. There were times JR said things that gave the impression she thought I was lazy, a slacker.
Well, it turns out she also sees me as, and I quote, ‘immature’, ‘selfish’, ‘sick’ and a ‘taker’ – amongst other colourful pejoratives framed within lacerating text messages, including that I chose to be a single mother and hence cannot expect others to help me, and that I blame other people for my problems .
More, apparently it is an unforgivable crime that I have not invited her over for coffee – although this is not something I do. Ever. Being a sole parent and often wrangling with my depression, I’m something of a hermit and don’t have the opportunity or inclination to socialise on a regular basis. Come the weekend I’m quite simply exhausted. I wasn’t able to stay home and raise my child while my partner worked, as I had no partner. JR returned to work 2 years ago, and doesn’t seem to realise I have been studying, volunteering or working since my daughter was 2.
More, apparently she didn’t know I was depressed, and thinks I lead a life of luxury sponging off my Mum and HB and lazing around the house.
It’s like JR has a picture of me based on the person she thought I was at 18, or the times I’ve moved back home when life has been tough, and that I have let my Mum and HB pay my way. The overwhelming evidence to the contrary seems not to have been noticed. The years of study, the jobs, the volunteering, the violence, raising a child on my own, the grief, the sheer effort and focus I’ve used to get where I am today. I thought that, overall, she was proud of me – as my friends are. As my Mum, HB and I assume my dad is.
Nup, apparently I’m irredeemable. A bad person.
JR continued to send text messages saying unkind things and I had to stop being immature and talk to her, but she was so aggressive I was terrified. I didn’t want to end up in a screaming match. I was so upset and emotional I wanted to wait till I had collected myself before we had a discussion. She was beyond angry that I had said she had strong feelings, including jealousy, it was a volcanic fury.
JR had also involved both my brothers and presented the situation to them in such a way that they also texted or called furious at me for this ‘evil, disgusting’ thing I had done to their Mum. I really didn’t think she’d bring them into it, and I refuse to enter into any kind of ‘I said, she said’ discussions with them. They did nothing wrong, and of course they will want to defend their mother from perceived attacks. I know that in time the truth will come out, though it may be many years. It’s not easy ignoring the untruths they are repeating to me.
I know in my heart that although I dropped a bomb and was angry, that I spoke my truth. I think that is why there has been such an explosive reaction.
Finally (three weeks later) I couldn’t handle the upsetting text messages anymore, so I picked up the phone and called her. I wanted so bad for her to not be so angry, to not hate me, that almost all my resolve to be compassionate yet assertive evaporated, and I ended up grovelling – I took all the responsibility and gave an unconditional apology. I just couldn’t take the stress of the hate any more.
So desperately did I want it to stop that I didn’t even react to some strange things she said in our conversation. I asked her if she really thought I had chosen to be a sole parent, and she said ‘yes, you made a poor choice’. I assumed she meant my ex, who was, it is true, a dirtbag. But no. She didn’t mean my ex, what she meant was that I made a poor choice having my daughter, as in, the right choice would have been to have my daughter aborted. I was dumbstruck. Surely I had misunderstood. No, she made it crystal clear. I made a poor choice by not having an abortion. How can she say this? Say this about an 8 year old little girl? That she shouldn’t exist? Why in the world would I have considered an abortion to begin with – why on earth would she say this?
And the really unsettling thing is, she said it as if it was the most normal thing in the world. She also said matter of factly that she was still angry at the way my daughter, at 4, would tease her uncle, then 12...as if this was a capital offense. She spoke about a 4 year old little girl as if she were an adult molesting her son. It was weird.
I think because I offered an all-out surrender she felt safe to divulge a few things – including her own belief that maybe the ‘evil stepmum’ stuff was coming out on my daughter, that she had harboured an enormous amount of resentment because she had long thought I expected her to babysit every weekend (she was angry at me for making her feel guilty), and that there were times she wished she’d married a man without kids from a previous relationship.
I never had any such expectations.
She offered no apologies or remorse for any of the things she said in the text messages, but did say sorry for not taking my daughter in the holidays when she had offered to.
The more I thought about that conversation, the more I realised how weird and hurtful some of the things JR had said were, and how much I had let myself down by not standing up for myself.
Dad called a week later and could tell I was upset. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but he pressured me for answers and I told him what JR had said, word for word.
Half an hour later, another text message. JR denied saying anything of the sort, and said that I have done was unforgiveable, a range of hurtful things about my character, and that she never wants to see or speak to me again.
I knew she would be angry if I told Dad what she said, but I really didn’t think she’d lie about it.
I know I should have spoken to JR about it all, and that was my intention, I shouldn’t have caved to Dads insistent questioning. He just wants everything to be OK, but what really breaks my heart is that now he’d rather believe I’ve misinterpreted or outright lied than that JR has some strong unresolved feelings towards my daughter and I. It seems JR is using my past as a wild-child, and ongoing battle with depression, as a stick to beat me with –I’m crazy. I’ve misinterpreted it all because I’m sick.
I’m wavering between depression, sorrow, grief and anger about it all. Part of wants to try and talk with her, but I have been advised not to. A family friend is of the opinion JR needs help, but because of her values she would probably never see the need or be able to reach out.
I’ve known her for 20 years, have never asked for much or had high expectations of JR or my Dad, yet I am being painted as an evil, incredibly selfish immature person, and told my child should not exist.
JR speaks as if her and my Dad have done the world for me, but the reality is they’ve never supported my daughter and I in any kind of significant sense. Am I selfish to expect a few nights respite and for my daughter to be able to spend some time with her grandfather?
Why do you think that this all seems to have started when I became a mother and returned to my home town? Do I represent something, or could I really be this awful person and I just can’t see it?

My first Stepmom sounds very much like your JR. She does have mental health issues and has said much of the same things that JR has said. And some of the very same situations. When I first had my daughter, she offered to watch her, but if I didn't let her...I was so rotten. When I did take her up on it, she let me know months later that she was so resentful that she felt that she had to even offer to babysit. There was no winning there and nothing I can do.

I can only assume that she felt like she had to offer being my father's wife, but never wanted to to begin with. And when I would turn her down, it was another (perceived) slap in the face because I wasn't respecting her as my fathers wife.

And those are only some minor examples, I've been through hell and back with this woman and it was only mind games. I do not think she has ever been honest with herself and therefore, cannot be honest with other people. She never really wanted to be in any type of mother role to me, but felt she had to as my father's wife. Instead of being open about it with my father, she didn't and will STILL proclaim to the world that she raised me but is STILL quite unhappy about it.

The only thing that truly bothers me to this day was my father's lack of involvement, insight or caring. It seems that he just wanted someone to mother me and he didn't care how it got done or who it was. He didn't care the effect on me nor the effect on her. He also believed her so many times over me that I quit saying anything. To this day we still have a very fractured relationship. While I do believe a good chunk of the blame falls on him, I still have negative feelings towards my stepmother for lying for so long. She could've at anytime said she was not the person to be my stepmom.

I still have not come to an absolute peace with everything. The only advice I have is to not dwell on this. Do not let it define you and don't let it get into your head. There's nothing you can do when someone has issues like your stepmom has.

I'd agree that it needs sorting out -- But NOT by the emotionally volotile players involved. If there was ever a time for family counseling, this appears to be it. You need an impartial referee to help sort things out and keep them from exploding while you do. Ask your Dad to support you on this.

I don't think you are selfish at all, but you are wrong because there is no one you mentioned in this entire scenario to expect it of. Whatever their reasons and however deep-seated those reasons may be, they cannot be expected to give you a baby break.

Spending time with her grandfather is up to him and his wife. Invitations should be extended by them. Your requests that they babysit once in a while do not have to be granted.

Even if you erased them, text messages can be retrieved. The police do it all the time. Find out how they do it even if it costs you some money. This is your only proof that I can see and without it, you will be caught in this awful whirlwind forever. Your father will never believe you over his wife so unless you can prove these things she said and texted to you, I would drop the whole thing and refuse to discuss it anymore. They are only going to continue to blame you unless you can prove something. No point in counseling because JR is just going to continue lying about her feelings and everything she stated in the past because you cannot prove otherwise.

Honestly, I would drop the whole thing anyway. I don't grant license of judgment to people. They can think whatever they want. They like me or they don't. I would be bothered in the way you are if I did something to this woman, but you did nothing to her, only to yourself. Now, you like and enjoy your life for the most part. You can count your blessings and accomplishments. And, which is more, you have no regret and nothing to defend. So what is the problem here? Sounds like it is on her end, not yours. Wash your hands. Unburden yourself. Move on. Give her a hug and drop the emotional charges. This is exactly what she wanted. What could it possibly matter if she thinks you should have aborted your daughter? What in your life or her psyche gives her permission to make that call? You do, by responding and falling into her trap. You do not (or should not) live your life by her approval, and she certainly cannot go back all those years to repair anything. She didn't take it when presented the opportunity. So, what could possibly be the point now? You giving her exactly what she wanted.

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dunmoanin

Thankyou again for the support and sage advice. Food for thought!