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How to respond to hurtful comments & annoying behaviors

Posted by imamommy (imamommy21@yahoo.com) on
Tue, Apr 23, 13 at 2:38

It's been a while since I posted...actually, I could probably write several posts on what's happened in the last few months. My divorce is final! Yay! We are on good terms & able to talk... no drama or fighting at all in our divorce. In fact, I think he is beginning to realize how his family had a hand in destroying our marriage. A few months after he moved out, his parents left the state. I'm convinced it was so he didn't move in with them. haha Then, his daughter turned 14 last month. She asked him if she can go to visit her grandparents in the new state they are in but I guess her true motive was revealed that she was planning to meet a guy she has been talking to online (facebook). ExDH was describing her as a "nightmare" saying she turned 14 and thinks she's 20 now. I almost feel bad for him... ALMOST.

Then, I posted an ad from my business on Facebook that I am going to be hiring. Well, does anyone remember that a few years ago, ExDH's brother was unemployed & going to lose his house so I RELUCTANTLY gave him a job. Three weeks into the job, he stormed off the job site where they were setting up tents for an event, nearly hit one of my other delivery vehicles & the customer's children who were playing nearby when he peeled out. Well, it caused the rift with ExDH's parents to get wider & of course, I was the bad guy. So, since ExDH & I are on friendly terms, he reposted my ad to his page & all heck broke loose. His brother, his nephew & his sister in law went ape poop about how unprofessional my business is, unsafe & warning others to stay far away. So, I asked exDH to remove the post because I didn't want to have the drama over something that happened three years ago. So he removed it & then his nutjob brother calls my office to try & convince me that he wasn't lying... the nice part was exDH apologized at least a dozen times for his families behavior... and it sounded sincere.

So, he knows his daughter is out of control & his family is nuts. Life should be good. Right?

Well, I work with my dad. We've always gotten along but something has changed. He has been dating a very nice lady that has been friends for years. I like her & her two adult daughters. No problems there.... at least, that I'm aware of.

No, the problems began after exDH moved out & a few months later, I went on a date. During the last few years of my marriage, I worked 7 days a week in my business, only taking a day off for holidays we were closed or maybe if I was sick. So, last summer I went on a couple of dates, taking a couple of days off work to go to a race or motorcycle ride with a guy I met. So, my dad began to complain that I am never there. I will admit that I have missed time because I am now raising my grandson. (for those that don't know the back story, his mom died the week my husband moved out & I am going to adopt him) So, things fizzled with the guy I met & the only time I've taken off work is to take care of my grandson if he is sick. Well, last month he got the stomach flu & I stayed home with him for three days. I worked one day but I must have caught it too so I was home sick for another three days. The day I got better, my dad caught it & was home for four days. Well, he complained to me that he has to do my job (run my business) when I am not there so I pointed out that when he was sick, I had to do the same for his business. The following week, he was out of town for a meeting with his car club when the school called me that DGS was sick. I was working alone so my daughter picked him up for me. He was having trouble breathing so I gave him a treatment but he didn't get better so a few more treatments & I decided to take him to see his doctor. After five treatments in the doctor's office, he was transported to the hospital and placed on continuous treatments because he was having so much trouble breathing and none of the treatments were effective. I ended up staying in the hospital with him for three days and when he came home, he was hyped up on steroids & albuterol. Actually, I left the hospital & went straight to the office because my dad wanted me to get some work done. He then tells me that I need to figure something out on how I'm going to be there to run my business, as if I had just come back from a vacation. Then he yelled at DGS for being obnoxious.... and I told him that he's acting like that because of the meds he is on. He just got annoyed with me & very annoyed with DGS. He asked me how I can stand letting him act that way because it didn't seem to bother me. I told him that the meds are making him act that way & there's nothing I can do about it.... what do I do? punish him for taking meds?? and my dad say, "well, you signed on for this, I didn't!"

So, I've been trying really hard to get along because we have to work together in the same office. Business has been slow & both businesses are hanging by a thread so moving to a new location is not an option. My only true option is to get along or walk away from the business.. It was his business but he sold it to me and I can just let him have it back. I haven't paid for it.

This is a few of the things he does that annoy me:

1. He joined weight watchers with his girlfriend & since my divorce, I've gained about 15 lbs. He suggested I join too and I finally did a couple of months ago. He refuses to keep track of what he eats or count his points, gets frustrated each week when he either hasn't lost anything or has gained. I buy myself specific foods and keep them in the fridge at work but every time I go to eat, he's eaten it already. He eats all day, constantly. I don't care if he sticks to the program or not and I stopped keeping food at work unless I bring it the day I am going to eat it.... but since I joined, every time I eat something, he will ask me, "how many points is that?" or "is that on the plan?" when he knows it's not... it really is none of his business if I gain 100 pounds... I'm 44 years old! It just irritates me & I am not the type to tell him it's none of his business... so I told him that it bothers me, how would you feel if I did that to you?... he said he wouldn't care. So, for one day, I started out asking him "how many points is that?" and by the third time, he told me it was none of my f-ing business. So, should I tell him it's none of his F-ing business the way he says it to me?

2. I decided late last year that I don't want to "date" or have a relationship, but I have made a few friends to go out to dinner or a movie with. The week of my birthday, one of my friends wanted to take me out to lunch & when I told my dad I was leaving for lunch, he asked, "so who's the nimnod you're going to lunch with?" Then I had another friend that was going to a comedy show with me. It was a fundraiser that my entire family was at so, given the way my dad has been with me, I opted to sit on the other side of the room. A few days later, my mom (who was there) called me to tell me all the nasty things my dad was saying about the guy I was with. He had never even met him. He basically wants me to devote my entire waking hours to work & any mention of going somewhere (even alone) or doing anything with a companion, he starts insulting them... and he knows nothing about them.

3. He paid his bills last weekend so he was low on funds in his account & asked me if I had any money? I said no. He told me it's no time to hold out on him. I guess that was his way of calling me a liar... I had less than he did that morning. He was upset over his finances but just a few days before, he had sent a rather expensive gift basket to his girlfriend's daughter, she had a baby recently. Then, at the end of the day, he tells me he is going out to dinner with his girlfriend. My dad is not one to let a woman buy him dinner. That was a double whammy because he was so "broke" that morning but now has money to take his girlfriend out to dinner... and he is obviously maintaining a social life... after telling me I have no business dating or having a social life because I have too much work to get done.

4. Last year, I had earned a free night voucher from a rewards program with Best Western. It was going to expire at the end of January so I picked a slow weekend in January to redeem it at a beach front hotel. My plan was to drive up after work on Friday... spend the free night & take DGS to the beach in the morning before driving home. Well, I ended up canceling because dad complained about what a waste of money (gas & food?) so much that it was less headache to let it go. However, he said it was okay if I wanted to go with the car club on a drive the next week. When I said that I just wanted to get away & not socialize with the club members, he said he doesn't understand why I have to go stay in a hotel to relax...that it's stupid. Once again, it's none of his business what I do to relax... maybe I don't want to be home to look at the laundry that needs to be done or the grass that needs to be mowed or all the other chores I would see if I'm sitting at home. I wanted to relax on the beach... not an outrageous request. But, I relent because he makes it miserable to work with him day in & day out when he isn't getting me to do what he wants.

I actually feel like a child complaining about all this because it is so childish. My biggest problem is that he hasn't always been this way... it began after I ended my marriage. I think a part of him feels like if I am not married, he is responsible for me. When he found out I was going to the comedy show with a guy, he started to tell me that this guy can work on things around my house that need fixing. Of course, that insulted me because one of my exDH's complaints was how my dad made him feel obligated to do things (because he owns the property where I live & I still owe him for the business) which is why the option of leaving would also mean moving to my own house because it seems he feels he has the right to control my every move. I'm just trying to understand why he has suddenly changed. At my wedding 7 years ago, he told us "don't forget to have fun" and after we split & I went on my first date, he said that no longer applied... that he meant to have fun while I'm married. I just don't get it & maybe someone has some insight. There have been so many other incidents & things that bother me but these are the major ones.

The other thought is that he's losing his mind....

but any ideas, thoughts or opinions would help.... moving would be an option but last resort. I spent quite a bit to remodel last year & love living here. I'll move if nothing else works.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: How to respond to hurtful comments & annoying behaviors

--"The other thought is that he's losing his mind"--

While that would not be my first go-to, it does leave a few thoughts. When is the last time he had a good physical with complete lab work and a handful of expanded tests? Older people sometimes take numerous medications. Has he started anything new? Last time a med review was done to check interactions and/or possible side effects? It really could be something physical ex: slight stroke, congested heart failure, imbalance of something, low/high levels of basic body needs ect.

You know he loves you, no matter how goofy he's acting, hold on to the fact you know your father is NOT acting his normal self...you just are not yet sure why.

You two do spend an awful lot of time together due to work besides the normal family relations. It could be you're the unfortunate one to be his release target of whatever is all going on in his life.

It could be anything and/or a combination of things. He's getting older and his worried about you. You're his baby girl, no matter how old you actually are. Money is tight due to slack in business. Pressure. Stress. A relationship of his new lady where he puts demands on himself to be, do, provide in a way his present finances does not permit. Again, I'm just putting out possibles.

I'm just saying, don't make any rash moves/decisions right now. Not at least until you can get a better 'picture' of exactly what and why .

I'm not down playing your hurt feelings he's causing you. he's being a pain in the butt and a vocal one at that. I'm just saying perhaps you can get him to sit down and open up to you. Give you a better chance to understand what is affecting him.

Hugs to you, Ima.


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RE: How to respond to hurtful comments & annoying behaviors

I'm tempted to agree with jmt, but....
nah, that'd be too easy.

Since this behavior started when you ended your marriage, I think you may be on to something with that "I'm responsible for Ima" idea, only I think it's more like "Her husband's gone, I need to boss her around".

"Responsible for" may involve affection & support, but it implies, as you say, that you're incapable of being responsible for yourself, & it doesn't sound like your father's helping you, but like he's making you miserable.

Constant criticism & fault-finding are ways to break someone down so that she's more easily controlled.

Since "control" is about power wielded by the controller & not about the person being controlled, control is never benign;
it's always bad.
(Fishhooks work for the fisherman, but they're very bad for the fish.)

Control *never* involves supporting someone in doing what she wants to do, because how do you know you're really in control unless you're making someone do something she doesn't want to do or preventing her from doing what she does want to do?

A wise friend told me a long time ago that you can satisfy any hunger except the hunger for power.

Food will satisfy the hunger for food.
Affection will satisfy the hunger for affection.

But power stokes the hunger for more power.

If you give Czechoslovakia to a person with the hunger for power...
he'll invade Poland.

I do wish you the best.


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