Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
potential step mom... :/

Posted by kliane91 (My Page) on
Mon, Apr 23, 12 at 2:12

i have been dating and living with my boyfriend for 3 years now. we have a 9 month old son and we just found out by a paternity test that he also has a 18 mo. old daughter... yes he cheated. when i entered into a relationship with him i didnt do so knowing that he had another child and i DEFINATELY didnt sign up to be anyones step mommy. we have, well had, a perfect life and then this girl just pops up out of nowhere and is now trying to make our life a living hell. i dont know what to do. i want my son to know his sister and all but i am extrememly bitter about the entire thing and the circumstances. i dont want to leave him because he is the father of our child and an extrordinary one at that but i didnt ever think i would be raising another child of his especially not one that was conceived while we were togehter. this is supposedly the only time he has cheated. she was an ex that he was with long before i knew him. what should i do and how do i get past this so that i am not so bitter about the entire thing? i know that it isnt the childs fault but i dont want her.....


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

I had a friend long ago who went through this very situation.The only difference was they had been broken up when the conception took place.She found out about the pregnancy and paternity after they had reconciled and married.My old friend did not want her husbands daughter either and was bitter.Their marriage lasted about 5 yrs.

It would be hard to tolerate,especially since your bf cheated.Finding out why he cheated would be a good idea to see if this relationship is even worth maintaining,Father of your child or not.Making sure this was a one time mistake and not a pattern would be in your best interest as well,if possible.Maybe seek some help from a counselor for yourself first may help you cope with the situation,your feelings?If you continue the relationship maybe asking BF to accompany you to some sessions as well could help?

Getting past it?That is up to each individual.Some may be able to get past it,some may not.

Its good you want your son to know his sister.It's not the child's fault nor your sons.It's the result of a choice your BF made.If I were in your shoes and I decided to stay...I would leave the raising to the BF and the BM.

I would not rearrange my entire life to convenience the BF or BM under the circumstances.Especially if I wasn't married to the child's Father(I don't mean this offensively just you aren't a legal step parent to this child)BF needs to step up and be a Father to this child and provide for her needs(in addition to doing the same for his son).You shouldn't be required to do the parenting of or providing to this child in my opinion.

If he starts weekend visitation,etc I'd make clear to him he is responsible to be present at all times caring for this child.That would be too much for you to take on,cope with,while dealing with all the feelings you are having.And it would be in the best interest of the child.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

--"we have, well had, a perfect life and then this girl just pops up out of nowhere and is now trying to make our life a living hell"--

Well, you've not even 'had' the perfect life. It existed only in your mind. While you thought your life together was 'perfect' your BF knew all along that it was not. He's betrayed you and totally rocked what you 'thought' your life was, now you have to decide where and if/how you go from here. This child is not the one making or who made your life a living h*ll, nor is at 18 months old is she trying to. She did not do this...your BF did.

It's not the child who has rocked your world, it is the BF. And now you're being put in the position of not only having your believed perfect life proven to be a sham and the trust (which is key to any relationship) blown sky high, you are faced with a beautiful little girl who will prove by her mere exisitance daily of the betryal your BF made. One heck of a hurtful, sad place for you to be in right now.

Your attitude towards the fact your son has a sister, that he should know is correct. The kids are blameless here and they are siblings, too late to change history. One thing I think you need to honestly ask yourself is if BF had had this child before you met him, would you have started a relationship with him? You say you did not 'sign up' to be anyone's stepmommy, but if she had existed would you have pursued dating and then moving in with the father? I think the answer to that question (which only you can know) could help adjust how you feel about the child. Everything is so new and raw right now with just finding out BF cheated, it may help to separate the issues. If you're going to hate this little girl (because of what her father did) and not be able to let the child visit her father and/or resent household income going out to support the child...then walk now. If you must hate someone, hate the father. If you can't 'forgive' the father, accept there are two children he is father of and he has a legal and moral responsibility to perhaps it would be better for both children to end BF and you now.

Both children deserve a father. Both children do have a mother. Neither mother is required nor expected to be mother to the other child. --"i dont want to leave him because he is the father of our child and an extrordinary one at that"-- the other child deserves her father and a good one just as much as your son does, even if she was not concieved under the best of circumstances.

You must also take into consideration that if you leave your BF, he will be granted visitation rights with your son, and will still be the son's father, just as he is the daughter's father. --"i know that it isnt the childs fault but i dont want her"--, she is not yours to want, you can't make her poof, like it or not, she is your BF's. He does not get a choice, he's tied to both children for the rest of his life only you have a choice...and your choice is remain with BF knowing this girl will be a part of his life, or walk now. If you stay and resent the girl's presence and relationship with her father you'd be denying the daughter a father, something you say you don't want to deny your son.

In a nutshell, your son will have a father, whether you're still in this relationship or not. The choice is whether you want this man to be your future...the children's are already set.

And no I'm not implying that the daily caretaking of the little girl gets dumped on you on her visitation times with her father. The girl has a mother and a father. If BF is expecting you to take on what should be his role during visitations, then again that's a BF issue. If you stay, BF may end up having to rearrange his work schedule, coordinate a care schedule with the girl's mother blah blah blah. This birth mother and the child will become a part of your BF's life, if you don't believe you can deal with the fact, bail now.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

OP you have gotten some excellent advice in the above two posts....I strongly suggest you read them several times and hear what they are telling you. One thing is very true...you have no obligation to serve as a "parent" to this child....a step-parent can take on whatever role is agreed upon between the adults, some take a very active role in "raising" the child, participating in decision making, discipline, etc....others (and I think in this situation is the path that would make the most sense for you) elect to take more of a background role...just being there, but not doing the actual task of "parenting".

I can tell from your post that you are very bitter about the the bubble bursting on your "perfect life". You need to first accept that it will NEVER be exactly how you had it planned out in your head, that cannot happen. Your BF f*cked up...and now he has a child that he will need to, at a bare minimum, financially provide for, and hopefully will be a major part of his life as a dad as well. If you make his parental obligations a source for bitterness in the future, it will most definitely wreck your relationship with him.

And if you leave him for it, as one of the others mentioned, understand that you cannot just take the child and disappear and look for a "perfect life" elsewhere....he has as much right to be a part of that child's world as you do. And being that you describe him as a "extraordinary" father, I would hope you would never try to minimize his role in your child's life if you do decide to move on.

And in the end, no on has a "perfect life"...you had an image of one in your mind, that's all.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

Having a child outside of marriage with a man who has unprotected sex with another woman doesn't sound like a perfect life.

You need to determine whether his baby daughter's mother intends for you to "raise" her child.

It's much more likely that she intends to raise her own child & wants the baby's father to pay child support & participate in the child's upbringing, which is reasonable & which is his obligation.

As far as "popping up", I'd bet a dollar that her side of the story would include that the man that you think of as your boyfriend is the man that she thinks of as her boyfriend, & the woman you consider "the other woman" considers you the other woman.

I know you're very angry now, anybody would be, but the steam you let off needs to be directed at your boyfriend *& at no one else*.

Breathe in, breathe out, & when you're completely cool, sit down with a pen & paper & write down positives & negatives, sleep on it, & make a cold, rational decision about what's best for you & your baby.

I wish you the best.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

"I'd bet a dollar that her side of the story would include that the man that you think of as your boyfriend is the man that she thinks of as her boyfriend"

She said she's lived with him for 3 years.....I don't think that's the case....did you not read that?


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

thank you so much for your wise input... all of you. this is the hardest decision i have ever had to make and it isnt being taken very lightly and i have never been so stressed in my entire life. i love my bf and i would love to stay with him and be a family (like we already are) but i need to somehow overcome all of my anger and find a way to get passed the feelings of being betrayed and lied to. i want myself and more importantly my son to have an extrordinary life and me being angry isnt helping us do so. maybe i should seek some couseling. my bf wants us to be together and has definately suffered through this almost as much as i have not only because he messed up but because he has let me down and from what i can see that was the last thing he wanted to do.

also i dont hate the child i was talking about the childs mother. i tried to be nice to her and work things out between her and i because obviously there is tension there but she wants to play the victim and act like i am the home wrecker.... that was what she said about me. there is so much to think about that my head is spinning!!


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

--"but because he has let me down and from what i can see that was the last thing he wanted to do."--

Yes, perhaps the counseling (personal not marriage type) could help you a bit here. You seem to be letting BF's role in all this take a back stage. Almost a 'the poor guy was a victim of this other woman'.

When such statement is followed up by --" she [the other woman] wants to play the victim and act like i am the home wrecker.... that was what she said about me"--, I begin to think Sylvia may be correct and there may be a bit more to all this than BF having a one night indiscretion with a former acquaintance.

I'm not sure I like the sounds of 'our life was perfect, and if only I could get over this, our life would be perfect again...BF has suffered so' ....for Pete's sake, stop worshipping at the man's feet and acting like this is all your fault, that it is you who is somehow letting Mr Perfect Wonderful But Poor Victim down if you can't get past this. And of course there is the 'promise' that life will be 'extraordinary' all over again if only YOU get over this pity party.

I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting your posts, I really do realize that you are hurting and in a very hard place, but I can't help but think you perhaps are going through this with blinders on and making excuses for the guy. Almost the old 'but I looooove him' and 'he did not mean to betray me he is such a good man'.

Anyway, in the meantime, stay away from the other woman. You don't need to see her, talk to her, or even listen to repeated things she may be saying to others (BF) about you. Don't try to 'workout' anything with her. It's not your place to bargain/negotiate with this woman. There is nothing for you and this woman to 'workout'. From here on out this is between the parents of the daughter (BF/BM) as far as the child is concerned. What they together can't workout, the courts will do it for them. What you need to 'workout' is strictly about your BF and yourself and whether or not you decide to stay in the situation.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

mkroopy-

Yes, I saw that they'd been together 3 years, thanks.

Did you see that

"she was an ex that he was with long before i knew him"?


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

Uhmm .... yes I saw that....still don't see how the other girl could think of him as "her boyfriend" though, if he's been living with another girl for the last three years, unless she is completely mentally unstable.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

"also i dont hate the child i was talking about the childs mother. i tried to be nice to her and work things out between her and i because obviously there is tension there but she wants to play the victim and act like i am the home wrecker.... that was what she said about me. there is so much to think about that my head is spinning!!"

One thing to consider until you accept: As long as you are with your BF... his ex will be a part of your life. It may be a small or big part, but SHE WILL FOREVER be connected to him through the child they created. There is no escape from that and if it were me, I would remove myself from the equation if you don't want the child. He can go visit his child, take her to the park or out to eat. Of course, that requires a level of trust to allow the guy to spend time with his child and her mother. I'm not sure I would like that.

If her child was born the month that you became pregnant, I can kinda see why she thinks YOU are the homewrecker. Who knows what he was telling her... but I suspect he knew the child was his BEFORE any paternity test.

mkroopy: My daughter's father was living with me. He got a job a couple of hours away and stayed with his brother during the week & came home to me on weekends. He met & impregnated another girl during the time he was supposed to be working. I was pregnant at the time and found out he got her pregnant and she had no idea he was living with me. Sometimes guys lie & tell whatever they need to tell to get what they want. Of course, I dumped him because I couldn't trust him and would never blame the other girl as a "homewrecker" because HE is the one that cheated on me. My daughter's half brother was born 3 months after her. He didn't stick around to raise or support either of them. But, it's funny how different young people deal with relationships. I don't think it's all that unusual for them both to think of him as their boyfriend at the same time... or blame each other. As they get older, it might occur to them that HE is the cheater... HE is the one they need to blame & be angry at, not each other. They are his victims.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

imamommy - the OP made no mention of any type of scenario like that...so I'm assuming it's a normal single-residence family. Of course in a situation like you describe, something like that could happen. I would have thought the OP would have mentioned something like that....it's sort of important.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

Well actually, all the Op mentioned was she has been dating and living with the guy for three yrs...I'm going to go out on the ledge and suggest this could mean just about anything.

Living together people usually don't refer to their situation as 'dating'. My guess it OP has a combination of three years from both dating while living apart and also actually finally moving in and living together.

She also said --"didnt do so knowing that he had another child"-- this of course could also indicate she entered the relationship of LIVING together after this little girl was either already born or perhaps still be carried by the 2nd lady.

BF very well could have been playing both ladies and once he finally decided which one he wanted, well, the daughter has already been conceived. Oops! I could really let my imagination run wild and suggest BF actually thought he was going to just kinda waltz away from lady #1 and child #1 carefree and footloose...until court demanded a DNA so the guy could no longer lie and duck out of supporting the little girl.

I don't think I'm going to buy that BF had no clue in the world that he had another child (or a good chance of it, he was cheating with lady #1 afterall and she was with child) while he was busy rushing right in and making baby #2 with lady #2.

Does it really matter? Bottomline, the guy cheated. The guy has two children, one being born at about the same time he was conceiving another one with a different woman inwhich he may or may not by now be living with. And now lady #2 is getting th sob story of 'he is suffering so'. Yeah, right. Sounds like a real gem of a guy. If he were such a wonderful guy, he would have confessed to lady #2 before he subjected her to being as tied to him now as lady #1 is.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

Kroopy, haven't you heard stories of men who are married to two different women?

If a guy wants to cheat he will figure out a way. I met this guy who told me he was divorced. We dated for about a month, nothing serious though. Well, we had sex but the condom failed and I got pregnant. So I when I call and tell him this, guess who gets on the phone? His wife! And she gets mad at me!!

And I bet every other lady on here has a story of a man that either cheated on her or knows someone that it happened to. You may think we're all jaded, but there's a reason we suspect someone's man is cheating. Because sometimes men cheat.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

him and i have been dating AND living together for 3 years. sorry i didnt specify and this girl told me that she knew we were together. and he works for my dad at his company so there is no way that i dont know when he is and is not at work.

also the mother of the child had slept with 2 other men in the same month that she slept with my boyfriend and had her actual boyfriend at the times name on the little girls birth certificate. she was telling her boyfriend that the child was theres and then when she got older he questioned it cause she looks exactly like my boyfriend which is why we just found out because he didnt want to support a child that wasnt even his. so she went to SRS and my boyfriend and the other guy both had to take a paternity test. SHE had no idea who the father of her child even was and didnt tell anyone until after because obviously she didnt want to look like a skank. the mom is messed up always on drugs and opens her legs to just about anything. also they did have sex while we were both dating AND living together. the little girl is only 16 months old.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

OK OK I give up....I mean yeah all these "dual life" scenarios are POSSIBLE I guess...but (I still think) highly unlikely. Perhaps it was an "Evil Twin"? Or perhaps the BF had amnesia? Yes I am mocking Soap Opera / Romance Novel plots.....

Anyway it's really not what the post is about so I vote we drop it.

"Because sometimes men cheat."....and so do women, just ask my ex she had it down to a science.... I sort of get tired of the "jaded women" thing. My ex cheated on me...multiple times....am I bitter, yes...but not jaded. Yet I trust my current GF 100%, she has never given me a reason not to...so I am not going to project past experiences on her.

And I bet almost as many women cheat on their husbands as visa versa...I know so many cases of it it's unreal. Some of the subdivisions near me are little Payton Places for god's sake. Except for the guys who visit hookers, which is probably a small %, who do you think all these "cheating men" are out there sleeping with?


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

"who do you think all these "cheating men" are out there sleeping with?"

People like me who tell me that they're divorced! LOL, Kroopy, okay, okay, I'm sure we can all agree, men cheat, women cheat, people cheat. It doesn't happen in some fairy tale land, it happens in real life, all the time. It happened to you Kroopy, so I don't understand why it's so hard for you to believe that someone would cheat on someone else. It's not about being jaded or not trusting ever again, it's about not being naive and not turning a blind eye to what happened, or blame the other woman (or man).

OP says:
"he works for my dad at his company so there is no way that i dont know when he is and is not at work."
and yet he somehow managed to cheat on her and get someone else pregnant.


 o
RE: potential step mom... :/

Oh, don't mind our bickering, Kliane....sometimes the ol' beat a dead horse with a stick happens around here. I of course can beat it over and over (maybe sometimes something just gets in the air LOL). While we might be swinging bats at each other debating our personal opinions of life in general, don't take it as I am uncaring or down playing the situation you're facing. Sometimes these types of threads just take on a life all their own and go off in all directions.

No matter what went down nor how, there is still now two little children. Both need a bio-father to help support them and it'd be nice if things can calm down enough that the children both end up with a Daddy too, if you know what I mean.

You have some very serious decisions to make. Take it one day at a time. Get your counseling to help sort your feelings. I think you were given some very good advice above when someone said to literally make a list. The good , the not so good and weigh your decision carefully. Only you can know if you can heal your relationship with your BF and accept the little girl in as a part of your own personal life.

I think though that if you stay, you do need to get it straight with BF that you will not be the one dealing with the other mother. As you just wrote the lady is half the time on drugs and not all that stable...she's your BF's problem. Let him deal with her. Actually after the initial shock wears off and the arrangements about visitations, child support ect are worked out through the courts communication can ne kept to a lower key and less 'in your face' level. Emails and limited phone calls and pick-up drop offs.

If things are really heated, exchange place can even be named to a neutral place. She does not have to come to your home, nor him hers. Some posters here have even had to obtain restraining orders. While BF must deal with her, you do not. If you stay, you'll do better if you hand dealing with the woman to your BF and the courts. All support paid should go through a legal documented way so BF has proof blah blah blah. Don't make verbal private deals/arrangements with this woman. The little you see the lady, hopefully the less she can involve you. You don't have to take her phone calls nor see her at all . if she can't be civil when dealing with BF, BF will have to let the lawyers and the courts do it.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here