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Consequences......

Posted by incognitomom (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 1, 11 at 23:53

Well BM actually showed up to a school function for my younger sd. FIRST TIME EVER that she showed up to anything for one of the kids. And honestly I think it was out of guilt because the girls have both been refusing to talk to bm because they are seeing through all her lies. We have lived in the same school district for years and she had to call me to get directions to the school because she did not even know the name to look them up herself.

Anyways while we were there she sat next to me (dh was at work). Older sd did not attend and younger sd was sitting with friends waiting for her part. SS was the only one sitting with us.

Well ss's good friend was also there with his mom because he has older siblings at the school too that were involved in the function. His friend was new to our district this year and I have only met the dad. The mom works after school hours and a lot of weekends, so its always the dad, dh and I coordinating stuff fo the kids to do together.

So the mom came right up to me with her son (who pointed at me and said "thats ____'s(stepson) mom". She then said "our boys have become such good friends and I have really been looking forward to meeting _____ (stepson)'s mom. It is so nice to finally meet you".

We talked for a few minutes and I did not introduce bm to her even though bm was right next to me the whole time and was just staring at us.

In my mind I am the "mom". I just kind of felt like she is getting natural consequences for her actions. She has made herself pretty much nonexistant in the kids lives and now has to deal with what happens because of it.

I am sure it hurt her feelings. But in a way I felt like that was a good thing because of all the times she has hurt my stepkids. KWIM?

Maybe I am just really evil....but I am glad her actions are finally starting to come back to bite her. Between the girls still not giving her the time of day and now this she has to be feeling the repricussions of her actions a bit (even if it is only the embarassment factor of them).


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Consequences......

IncognitoMom, LOL, you're not evil! You're their Mom, why shouldn't you be addressed as such in front of their egg-donor?

I'd have more sympathy for someone who willingly gave their children up for adoption because they wanted their kids to have a better life. I'd sympathize with the pangs of hurt that they might feel hearing someone else called "Mom" instead of them. I'm sure most of them would have loved to be able to raise their kids but their circumstances were such that they knew their kids would have a better life elsewhere, and they loved their kids so much that they put their kids' best interests in front of their own.

But for a woman who could have retained her "Mom title" by making even the most minimum effort, but couldn't be bothered to do even that? Who wants someone else to raise their kids but still wants to keep them chained to her so that she could (presumably) reel them back whenever she wanted to play "Mommy" for a few hours? Pfffffft!

BTW, my prediction is that this will be the last function BM attends - and she will use that conversation to justify to herself her future refusal to do so. (I came to x function - and I was ignored! IncognitoMom didn't even introduce me to SS's friend's Mom! I was not properly bowed down to and worshipped; I made such an effort to go and everyone just acted like it was something ordinary and commonplace - that a mother would attend a school function.)

How do the kids feel about the return of the prodigal BM?


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RE: Consequences......

Younger sd didn't really give her the time of day, but you could tell she was happy to see her there. Older sd could care less what bm does.

SS was excited to see her though. He sat next to her and gave her lots of attention. She told him all about the new place she moved to (so thats 3 residences in a year now). She told him that she got video games and he can come over anytime he wants and play with them. So of course he was asking me what we were doing everyday for the next week. lol I just said I had to check the calendar when we got home and talk to daddy. I know that when he is not around bm he will forget and she will never call anyways to set anything up.


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RE: Consequences......

I dunno Inc... I sympathize with you, but I suspect there's going to be He!! to pay over this...


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RE: Consequences......

I know how you feel, you are their mother, and I don't see how you could introduce her when nobody even knows you are not his real mother. But I kind of think like sweeby...something might come out of it...

And i was thinking of situation with noncustodail/uninvolved/minimally involved fathers. Stepdad and mom are the ones raising the kids, and dad might not be even bothering visiting more than once in a blue moon, and kids don't even care to talk to dad much, and maybe they even call stepdad 'dad" yet most dads would raise H!ll if they were not introduced by "honorable" title.

Maybe because we have a double standard. Nobody expects dads to be involved yet it is expected that they are treated with the most respect by everyone and if they pay CS then they shoudl be treated like royalty. I'd like to see how stepdad would be introduced as 'dad" and biodad just sat there quietly, he'd probably raise H!ll: "I showed up once a year for kids event, I am dad not this dude."

But i agree this BM is a loser. And you did nothing wrong here. But somehting just bothers me about this...maybe double standard. People complained how kids call stepdad 'dad". If we call "mom/dad" people who really raise the kids then how many fathers should lose their "title"...


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RE: Consequences......

I don't feel sorry for this BM that you were id'd and assumed to be SS's mom. That part was totally acceptable and natural...you are the children's daily functioning mom, the lady who is raising them day in and day out 24/7. The lady who is there for them through all the good times and hard times. You've more than earned the title. I'd not feel guitly one twit for being assumed to be and thought to be their mother.

With that said, I would have introduced the other lady standing with me staring at us. Nope, not 'oh, I'm not _____'s mom blah blah' , but merely something simple like '_______ this is ________ (first name). If pushed by SS I might have brought myself to say a bit more but nothing more additional than 'This is ______, ________'s biological mother, I'm Mom (just as if it were really your first name) and the children live with their father and I'...and let it go. Move on, dismiss any further acknowledgement and continue your chat with SS's friend's mother. Even the kid ran up and called you 'Mom' to his mom. Even SS did not correct the other woman's acknowledemnt of you being 'Mom". It's a given.

BM has earned no special honor of introduction, no special acknowledgement other than the lady standing next to you. It's just common manners to usually introduce those standing/sitting next to you when somebody comes up to speak. Odds of BM ever seeing or talking to this lady again are pretty zilch. Odds of this other lady caring about you only being a 'stepmom' or ever giving the stranger she met another thought are likely even less than zilch.

You don't owe BM anything special other than maybe acknowledgement of existing beside you, and only because she is standing beside you...just like you probably would have done if she were a very causal friend who happned to come by and sit by you at an event. Would have given you a total free pass if/or when BM crys boo-hoo to Grandma (her mother) or your DH and pretends she was delibrately slighted or treated rude. She was not. It's not your problem or fault others mistake you for 'Mom', think of you as 'Mom', and treat you as 'Mom'. It is what it is, you're 'Mom'.


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RE: Consequences......

I am a Bm not an SM so normally I tend to feel the BMs pain but NOT in this case. I am SOooooo glad that BM finally got to see your ss in a situation where YOU are MOM!! And yes it is a natural consequence for her actions and she should feel like CRAP! You are not evil. Evil would be NOT going to the school function while DH is working. You were there. You are always there and I am so glad to see that you finally are getting some vindication here. Lol even better that you didn't even have to do anything!!


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RE: Consequences......

I have a feeling that somehow bm will turn the "mom" thing into me doing something wrong. But oh well. If she were in their lives more then things would have been different. While we were there ss referred to me as mom everytime he talked to me in front of bm.

I know its gotta burn her...but its her doing. The kids did not always call me mom. It wasn't till after dh and I married and bm had been gone for quite a while that the girls approached me and dh asking if they could call me mom. I was uneasy with the idea at first, but dh convinced me not to think about how it would affect bm because it was about the kids. They wanted normalcy in their lives and thought of me as a mom because I did do all the mom things for them.

Tonite younger sd confided in me that she didn't like bm being there and did not sit with us because she did not want people to know who bm is! Only 1 or 2 of her friends know I am not her biological mom because she says she is embarassed that her "real" mom doesn't ever want to be around.


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RE: Consequences......

Poor SD!! That's too bad. I'm proud for you. You are one in a million. Why couldn't you be my kids SM? Lol or atleast couldn't I have someone 'like' you. Someone who actually cares about the stability of our family unit.


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RE: Consequences......

My SD was similar when younger - she didn't want anyone to know I wasn't bio-mom because she was embarrassed at her mom's on again/off again involvement. She called me mom, her friends and their families knew me as mom, and only a select few who I am close to knew the real story. I would never lie if asked, but I respected SD's wishes not to volunteer it.

As she's gotten older she's become less embarrassed and more ambivalent. She doesn't go to lengths to hide her mom anymore, she just doesn't mention her. I'm still mom, her friends and families still refer to me as mom, but she will actually discuss her mom with friends if she comes up.

I say you just go on with your day to day business and don't give it another thought. BM is reaping what she's sown. If she's going to cause a fuss over that, she's going to. Nothing you can do to change it, so just go on being the great mom you are. Don't let her lameness distract you.


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RE: Consequences......

"I have a feeling that somehow bm will turn the "mom" thing into me doing something wrong."

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, you will be wrong...

but, while I sympathize with you after all she has put you & her kids through.. and she is reaping what she has sown, with her kids & society... there is a tinge of empathy for her because in light of your recent posts about how controlling her DH is, that he may be a big part of why she has been uninvolved. I'm not excusing her by any means because she made those kids first & should have made them her priority before making more children with someone that she allowed to cut her off from her first family... no excuses for that! But, at least she is making an effort by even attending one event. No, it's not enough & hopefully it's a start, not a fluke. That being said, I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing someone to refer to you as mom. I imagine it may have hurt SS's feelings if you had corrected it and if BM didn't correct it, SS didn't correct it... then my assumption is that it's been accepted that you have earned the title.


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RE: Consequences......

IMA I did feel bad for her and her situation with her controlling boyfriend for a while. I even went and spoke to her and offered to help her. But I also know that her parents and sibling have all offered her a way out. Her parents drove out here (from halfway across the country) to get her and her little kids and she changed her mind. Her sibling has offered for her to move in there with her little kids till she gets on her feet. Her parents have offered to help her pay for an apartment and a car till she gets on her feet.

But instead she choses to stay with this man and put him before ALL her kids. Her younger kids are damaged from this man. The way they act is not typical of their ages. They are almost 5, almost 4, and almost 3. She got pregnant within 2-3 months after giving birth to the last with each of them. And all 3 pregnancies were supposidly a surprise! (COME ON!)

None of them talk. They all make noises instead. When people try to talk to them they cover their faces?? They whine and cry a lot. They are all very timid. When they drop something or do something on accident they get REALLY upset. I have never seen a family where all 3 kids are like that.

Her relationship with her older kids is damaged from her behavior with this man. (I hate even referring to him as a man!)

So at this point I don't feel bad for her. If she wants to let a guy control her and ruin her children then she is just not a good person. Its one thing to allow someone to abuse you, but to allow someone to hurt your children is horrible!


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