Hey Mark,

You've got a real problem on your hands..

Just a question first:
-Does your partner usually make decisions without consulting you? How has this worked in the past, do you just go with the flow? (Maybe this is why your partner thinks she doesn't need to consult with you?)

It's very sad to see a pregnant 22-yo single girl with no future plans. My opinion is that it's not up to you guys to look after her for years to come, but you may need to make a plan for SD22 to become self sufficient, and support her while she's getting there. I mean you can't turn your back on her either, she's only 22. Does she have an education? Is she qualified to do a job? Is she working now?

Hi yabber

Thanks for your reply.

When it comes to family my partner places her family above the stress / strain it places on our relationship. There have been times where I either lump it or leave. Difficult with a 5 y.o. son.

The SD22 has previously quit 2 hairdressing apprenticeships, dropped out of college twice and her previous aim of being a "trophy-wife" is unlikely as a single mom. She is working full-time, but not obliged to pay any board - not my choice. As referred previously - she can't support herself as she is never saves, and usually owes people money.

Thanks again

My situation is similar in that I have three adult children (19 & 20), two that still live at home & we have custody of my oldest son's (23) child while he is deployed in the military... My husband's 10 year old daughter lives with us. We have no kids together.

My husband was also taken aback and not 'thrilled' when my son deployed & we realized his wife is incapable of caring for their child, so we ended up with my grandson. The only answer is "we do what we have to for our kids when they need us." How could we turn our back on a baby? Yes, the parents of the baby need to be/take responsibility, but that doesn't always happen. There was no 'consulting' in my situation, other than me asking DH "what else can we do?". It wasn't a choice for either of us... (now I am holding my DIL accountable & she has done better.. I see some progress, though it may never be what we want from her or what her son needs from her.) That's life. There are things that happen that are unexpected and unless you are willing to kick 'em to the curb, what is there to consult about?

My DH also tends to have more difficulty in dealing with my adult children. His only child is 10. He hasn't been through puberty & teen years with her. His only measure for comparison is what HE did when he was their age... and he considers them lazy, unmotivated or that they don't have respect for him. The truth is, he did not raise them. They probably prefer to have me to themselves because it is much easier to manipulate me, by myself.. than having him call them out on that. We also do not share the same parenting style. Things he does with his daughter drive me as crazy at times just as things my kids do drive him crazy at times. That is the downside to blending families with older children that most likely don't care to have a relationship with a stepparent... as young children are.

Hi imamommy

Another challenging situation that you've managing well.

My partner rarely seeks my advice with her children. I admit I've struggled with their presence, particularly when their father lives less than 60 miles away, has remarried, had a child and "moved on" with minimal financial responsibility and rarely inconvenienced.

Prior to returning to my partner SD22 was living with her father. SD22 was a "guest" in the household and was moving out in the very near future - these plans were delayed on 3 occasions. Then she fell pregnant in an on-again off-again relationship (no contraception used).

Now they are no plans to move out. I fear my partner will spend just as much mothering the baby as SD22.

On one hand 22 is an adult. At 22 one usually graduates college and can get some type of job. On the other hand some 22-year-olds are not highly motivated and have no plans.

It is OK to live with parents at any age as long as one contributes.

I think your partner is a good mother and wants to help her daughter by taking her in. On the other hand good mother would not enable her children and let them grow up lazy, unmotivated, and irresponsible. It appears that all 3 children are this way, that's a shame. And now there is a baby in the picture. Will baby be raised the same way? Hmm

i think our job as parents is not only to help when needed but also teach how to be on your own! I have 22-year-old. She graduates college this summer. I would not mind for her to come home for few years and save some money, she has no plans to do that, but that would be OK, that's what parents for.

In unlikely event of her getting pregnant and having no partner, i would of course take her in. But i would not be able to take care of a baby because I leave early for work (in fact in few minutes) and come home late and tired, and my job is demanding. I don't know how working women taking care of grandchildren. I certainly would not quit my job, I would babysit and help but not becoming permanent caregiver. Is your wife planning on taking care of the baby????

If your SD comes to live with you, she must take care of the baby and help around the house and as soon as possible start working. I hope she files for child support and gets some money from baby's father. he needs to contribute.

Even though they are her children, you should be able to have a say how they behave in the household and if they contribute. I am not saying she needs to consult with you but you have to be able to express your opinion on kids' responsibilities.

Now i might be completely off topic but I wonder why do you live together for so long and have a child yet are not married? Nothing wrong with that but could it be a bad example for her children and eventually your young child?

Mark,

I'm another one with adult stepchildren 36 and 30 with a 7 year old at home.

As all have said, this is a really difficult situation for you. Maybe you and your partner can discuss and layout some terms for her daughter? As immamommy said, she must be the primary caregiver/parent to her baby. Not leaving the baby at home so she can go have a funfilled life as a 20 something. Also, some concrete plans around 1. Looking and finding a job 2. some thought around what her next stop will be as in not an open ended living arrangement at your house. I agree with the others that taking her in with her baby is the right thing to do even though it will be hard on you and probably hard on your relationship with your partner.

One positive that may come from it is that she may be willing and able to help out with your five year old too. If you read some old threads on this board you'll see that adult kids don't necessarily accept younger half siblings especially if those 1/2 sibs are perceived as competitors for time, money, attention and so on. (that is my particular story.) However, in exchange for room and board that could be part of the deal especially if she's not working.

I think setting some very firm ground rules will be the only way it can work out.

BTW, you might enjoy having another crumbsnatcher around. Who knows, babies can be pretty cute.

It is "NOT" your responsiblity to take care of her adult kids. Move out!!!!!!

Hi All

Thanks for your opinions to date.

When I discuss issues with my partner I get a variety of responses.

When it comes to her children not paying board, responses include the next door neighbor's adult children don't pay board, they need some financial help (because they spend all their money and rarely save).

When it comes to her children not contributing, the main response is "all" children are like this. I'd like to say just the lazy and poorly motivated ones but I don't.

When it comes to our relationship being treated "second" all the time when compared to her children, the response is she has competing responsibilities. I know blood is thicker than water but these responses don't foster our relationship, particularly when her children's father is only 60 miles away, remarried, 4 y.o. child with this relationship.

Unfortunately for me, I have deeper pockets and have been providing a more comfortable lifestyle.

I'd tell her the "Bank of Step Dad" has gone under and if she wants to support her children who should be at least partially self supporting at their age, that's her affair.
You could also point out to her that not teaching them to budget for living expenses is setting them up for disaster further down the track. How will they ever learn to look after themselves (after you leave, pass on, whatever) if they aren't expected to at least start off small and pay board.

"My concerns are the household will be dictated by the baby, and I'll be supporting my partner, her daughter and her baby"

Sounds to me like this is exactly what is going to happen

You will then have to be the one to decide if you are happy living this way or not

"This all happens without any discussion with myself, it just happens"

WHAT??? Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself!!!

Yes I do feel like a doormat. I've stated to my partner that at times I feel my role here is "to pay the bills". The response is that I haven't made much effort to play much a role with her children. I admit this is true.

I've never been able to relate to SD22. When we first lived together SD was 15 and her life was essentially that of a teen soap character. SS21 was 14 and his father was on the scene with him, until he remarried and moved 60 miles north. SS19 was 12, mainly a "mommy's boy" - he never had a good relationship with his father, always had trouble with stress and his interests tended not to be mainstream.

I've provided a higher standard of living than their parents could, watched the entire amount of child support spent on their education with little achievement. They have been given cars by their parents, had part-time jobs to fund their active social lives from the ages of 17.

My childhood was quite different - private education knowing my parents made a financial sacrifice and expected me to try, 6 years of Uni following high-school, borrowied money from my brother (repaid with interest) to buy a car aged 22.

I know I'm ranting / raving and times have changed, but it's difficult when your the one making financial sacrifices for stepchildren.

Yea, well I have nothing positive to say about the situation you are in. I had/have a similar situation and it has gone from bad to worse.

I ended up leaving our home, and I will never, ever, ever live with adult skids again, not for a million dollars.

My advice; start looking for an apartment now. (sorry, really. I thought I was the only one with such an extreme case but sadly I'm not)

~Cat

Hi Cat

The only positive in the situation is our 5 y.o. son and that makes it difficult to leave.

Pregnant SD22 doesn't seem to be working anymore. She hasn't paid board for 5 mths and I can't imagine things changing. SD22 was living with her father prior but moved in for better job opportunities. These seems less relevant now. I dread raising these issues with my partner.

I could suggest that SD either gets a job and pays board or lives with her father. SD always has pathetic excuses to support her decisions though.

Essentially my situation is what's worse
1. Living in arrangements where I feel I'm being taken advantage of and being with my son 24/7, or
2. Separating and losing about 350K in assests and having my son half-time?

I'm essentially balancing what makes me unhappy and what potentially will make my son's life unhappy.

Mark, sory I have to ask, how much do you love your wife? Say for example if loosing assets or amount of time spent with your son wouldn't be an issue, would you want a divorce? I'm just trying to eliminate all the other factors that come into play, and look at what's most important here. Because if your marriage is not good, than this is a whole different story and the SD22 moving back in not the most important issue for you two to think about.

And staying together for the kids is not always good for kids either, if my FDH and his ex were still together I believe my skids would be worse off. Now they get to have a break, and see a different way of living at our place. Even skids themselves sometimes express the opinion it's better that FDH and BM are not together anymore.

Yabber, assets don't worry me greatly; being with my son does.
Regarding my wife, I do have some underlying resentment on how things turned out but I guess this is me being selfish.

Regarding how much love for my wife - I ask that myself. We've had counselling before but it's essentially up to me to accept the situation. Most of my frustrations are trivialized or lost in the wash of completing responsibilities.

Mark, it's not "selfish" to resent being landed in the "work your butt off while everyone else gets free ride without your say so" seat. Thinking you ARE being selfish says to me that you have been conditioned to think that unless you roll over for everyone you are a bad person. You're not.
Also saying "it's basically up to me to accept the situation" is doormat talk.
Your wife seems to have brainwashed you into believing, "If if really loved her I'd be happy to just hand over all my money to her freeloading relatives" instead of the corollary, "If my wife really loved me, she would consult me and compromise with me when it comes to spending our money and disrupting our household. My opinion would count."
It's not unrealistic to think you might get custody in the event of a split.

Plus, you're setting the example for your son that the wife calls the shots, and the husband just says, "Yes, dear" whether he's happy about it or not. Is that the concept of marriage you want to pass on to him?

I've read this thread several times, didn't want to necessarily post, but some of it has familiar overtones - so here I am. I have to agree with everyone about not being a doormat. I do understand your SO not wanting to turn her back on her DD and unborn GC. It seems reasonable, since you are in a long-term relationship, that you give your SO tons emotional support, but to be the family sugar daddy...I don't think that's fair.

Hi Colleen

My partner has stated in the past that she and her family come as a "package", and she wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where her family wasn't welcome. This I accept but it goes 2 ways.

She has in fact asked SD22 to move out (that was about 18 mths ago). They have since reconciled. Unfortunately I see her family as free-loaders where contributions are optional. Her responses to this I've detailed before.

I was niave when I entered into the relationship, and what is transpiring would have been a worse case scenario that would have made me run for the hills.

I'm back to wondering what I want and what I willing to put up with.

Well, that is the bottom line. Waht do you want and what are you willing to put up with.

You can have shared custody of your young DS, and walk away from all of the BS and wash your hands of it.

And when she sees you are willing to walk over it, she may change what she is doing and stop enabling her daughter to be a freeloader and make her at least get a job & start saving for baby & a place to live, within a certain time frame also.

You might have to be willing to do this to make your DW see you are not going to continue this way. Oh, and PG SD needs walking around money-go see daddy or baby daddy. Stop being the bank.

Lots to think about, thats for sure.

~Cat

"Pregnant SD22 doesn't seem to be working anymore. She hasn't paid board for 5 mths and I can't imagine things changing."

"I could suggest that SD either gets a job and pays board or lives with her father." Not could, should. This is the minimum that you should do.

Mark, you need some backbone on this. And if your partner is willing to have things this way I think the question becomes not only do you love her but does she love you? Why does standing up for yourself, your child, your household and also your relationship mean a potential break up?

How about a barter if she can't pay board? If she is not in a high risk pregnancy then babysitting your five year old, chipping in routinely on the housework and so on. Plenty of women around the world tend to more than one child while pregnant and work to boot.

Thanks Cat and lamom

The problem with insisting on board is SD22 has plenty of excuses not to. Maxed out credit card, car registration due, cell phone probably has been suspended due to failure to pay bills (not the first time either), speeding ticket to pay. SD22 simply lives beyond her means. Her mother freely admits this.

She also needs to save for the child - this will no doubt take priority.

My partner tends to avoid getting her children to contribute to housework. They did more a few years ago. These days they tend to stay in bed til 10 - 11 AM, when adults have done what's needed to be done.

I know one can argue to get them to contribute, but they put little effort into it and hence their mother doesn't bother.

SD22 has stated she isn't "a family person". This was after buying a people-mover, and explaining the extra seats would enable family outings. SD22 has looked after our son on 2 nights during the last 5 years.

I agree with your suggestions, I'm just pragmatic when I know how my partner will approach these. Because of this I would be foolish to make it a deal-breaker.

I know I need some backbone, and I do wonder what our relationship means to her

"SD22 has looked after our son on 2 nights during the last 5 years. "
I don't necessarily agree that this is a big deal. My DD22 is not looking after her brothers. I mean she spends time with them and takes them for walks etc but no babysitting. Then of course she does not live at home, she is in college, when she comes home no one asks her to babysit. maybe that's different when one lives at home.

"SD22 has stated she isn't "a family person"." Well, she is leaning pretty darn hard on family now! What a $@#! I can understand you not wanting to argue. This girl is a freeloader of the first order. Your DW...well, she loves her daughter and is probably already in love with her soon to be grandbaby.

Sheesh. Make sure your assets and whatever else are protected from the leech brigade and take care of YOUR 5 year old. From the way it sounds, you are all she has got.

Have you considered going to a counselor on your own?? I know this really helped me gain a backbone. After a few counseling appointments, I then got up the nerve to go speak with an attorney. After many years of being a doormat, I will never forget the night I sat DH and SS down for a little chat about the way things are going to be from now on...and if you dont like it..take your son and get the h--- out. Bank of SM is now closed and I will no longer be disrespected in my own home.

I smile now just thinking about it.

I understand you have tough choices to make. The ONLY reason I didnt divorce DH was because we have a daughter together....but then you would be amazed how things did change after I took a stand.....

Yes unfortunately you have to wonder how much your wife loves you Mark. You'll need to find out if your wife is willing to compromise (she might not be used to it, but she might be open to the suggestion, like mlly just told you) or if she's not. My partner's ex-wife was never willing to compromise on anything. Everything always HAD to go her way, from the smallest detail to the biggest decision. This was one of the reasons their marriage failed. It's time for you to find out.

Do you also find that problems are not resolved, just pushed away and therefore piling up?

Thanks everyone for your advice.

My comment about SD22 looking after our son on 2 nights in 5 years was to mention out how little time we have had as a couple. We have days together but next to no nights together. This is, I believe one of our problems in that we never were a couple.

My partner initiated the relationship while she was still married so we went from a secret relationship to a family of five very quickly. My partner has had extensive family commitments with socialising teenage children. I had little involvement in this and I realise this has affected our relationship. I've never been able to relate to SD22, SS21 father was still on the scene, SS19 always had obscure interests (rollerblading, karate - not much interest for a spectator). I know these are excuses, but its the way it panned out.

My partner had plans for her ex to have the children on alternate weekends. It was only occasional that all three went and the weekends my partner elected to have them were the weekends I wasn't working. This was so she could drive them around. This limited our time together.

Unfortunately this has created resentment as I've mentioned above. When I raised this in previous counselling, in that I feel our relationship came second, the response has been as mentioned (competing responsibilities, feeling guilty with not spending more time with her children).

Partner states we have Fridays together (we both have Friday off), when you take into account school drop-off / pick-up it's only half a day. I know this is family routine, but during counselling Fridays together seemed to be the only compromise.

I saw a solicitor 1.5 weeks ago to discuss my options. He suggested one could get a property settlement agreement in case the situation becomes more pear-shaped. A bit like a pre-nup during the relationship. I would lose a lot but I would imagine I would lose more further down the track. If I suggest a property settlement agreement I would imagine this will be a turning point. She may decide to leave.

I saw a psychologist 2 days ago to discuss the situation. Only the first visit. She felt the children haven't developed life skills to date. Obviously everything is from my perspective.

SD22 is not the only dysfunctional family member.

The youngest SK (SS19) - finished attending school, working casual in a supermarket (fired from previous supermarket job for stealing, bludged for 3 months after finishing school before he got this job), owes his father $2000 (car accident insurance excesses x 2), owes his mother $5000 (car accident insurance excess x 1, mother put in 2K extra for car, spent 3K on DJ equipment - part-time interest / job). It gets worse - lost his driver's licence (4 infringements) and blown the engine in his car ($2500 - 3000 repair - parents rightly refused to pay). You could accuse me of making this up, but its true. He also smokes (incl dope at times). Fortunately he spends half his time at a friend's house, so I'm able to tolerate his loud music / non-contributory lifestyle.

My partner accuses me of only having negative comments about her children. I know this is true, I know they have positives, they are just overwhelmed.

The only SK getting on with his life is SS21.

Sometimes I think the only way I could be happy is if SD22 didn't live here. The trouble is I will be seen as cold and callus, and I doubt I would have a relationship with my partner.

SD22 does have a father to return to. She was living with him 6 mths ago. SD22 doesn't seem to be working, isn't studying. The reasons she moved back here don't seem to apply now.

I doubt our relationship would survive this ultimatum. I know I could tart it up as an option if she didn't contribute (which would seem likely) but it would be seen by my partner as a way of getting to live with her father.

Sorry for rambling, I had a bit more time today.

To be brutal, I don't think you actually HAVE a relationship. Relationships are two way. Your arrangement clearly is not. By your own admission you spend little time together since your "wife" chooses to spend what free time she does have with her children from her previous marriage. You have been elected to be the sugar daddy.
My daughter comes as a "package" with me but I would never suggest someone other than herself support her while she sat on her butt spending their money like water.
What a surprise that your "wife"'s children have no life skills. That is NOT a Good Thing.
I say "wife" in inverted commas because by her behaviour she is anything but a wife, she's a dictator.

Just to clarify, its the household expenses I pay - which for a household of 5 - 6 have been significant. SD22 certainly doesn't help with, using the washing machine at night for a handful of clothes and using the dryer, at times for one item. Now I'm just ranting.

The cars / DJ equipment have been my partners and her ex-husband's purchases.

We didn't spend much "couple-time" together as I mentioned above. Currently the day-to-day routine is that of a typical family, but with two free-loaders.

I've been frustrated that child support was totally spend on private education, whilst the entire household expenses were funded by me. I even had to top up SS19 orthodontic treatment as his father was crying poor.

None of the skids were academic and "attending" school for SD22 and SS19 have been the only achievements. During this time they were given cars and had very active social lives as school work didn't occupy much of their time.

If I ever commented I was informed that not everyone is academic (true, but there was little commitment), times have changed, all their friends have cars. Unfortunately its commenced her children on a path of living beyond their means, where paying board as adults seems unlikely.

That's how it all started in my situation too. Ss living beyond his meanss, getting a crack using/stripper pregnant, and it all went down hill from there.

Unfortunately for me it has been like living the Jerry Springer show. I know my DH loves me as much as he is capable. But, He has made clear over & over again that his mooching "adult" kid comes before anything. Before his financial security, any special plans or events. His wants come first. There is no negotiation or partnership its his way or the highway.
Sorry Mark, it sure sounds like you are on a very similar track. I hope you can lay your cards on the table & things work out better. For you. Otherwise I fear you're doomed to a lifetime of them bleeding you dry financially & emotionally. If I knew then what I know now I would have never stayed.

I hope things turn out differently for you.

-Cat

Just an update.

SD22 apparently starts full-time work this week. Maybe she could pay board? Excuses are likely and her mother has let her off in the past. I've got no way of verifying if it was happening unless it was a public handover of cash.

SD22 is 9 weeks pregnant and has already chosen a C section and not to breast feed.

Uh-oh... TOM. You made your bed, didn't you :)

oh I see...so your wife cheated on her Dh with you, so that's why she is parenting out of guilt, that's why kids feel they could do whatever because mom owes them for destroyed family...That's why kids have no respect for you.

Relationship that starts this way is doomed from the beginning.

It shouldn't bother you if she has C-section or breast feeds. Not your business really.

I feel bad for your situation but you and she caused it by messing with each other, it always back fires in a long run. well, it already did.