Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Need opinions

Posted by sherriedee (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 1, 13 at 22:34

DH just told me has decided to go to Las Vegas with his buddy during spring break, the same time his kids are coming to visit (ages 9 and 12). He claims its the only time his friend can go bc he has 7 kids but they are in a camp the week of spring break. However, i know that is not completely true that they could not go another time when DH kids are with their mother. Am I wrong in being upset over this situation? I worry the kids will feel DH picked his friend over them. DH wants me to lie about where he is and I'm not up for that either. His kids are smarter than that. It's causing a lot of strife. Advice, please.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Need opinions

You need to tell DH to cancel his trip or reschedule his visit with his kids. Lying is not good and you should not be put in that position. You are justified in being upset over this.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Well, DH _is_ choosing his friend and Vegas over his children. What a pri....nce. Tell him flat out you won't lie for him, it's wrong and puts you in an uncomfortable situation. In fact, if he isn't going to be there to care for and spend time with _his_ children, they really should not be coming at all. It's unfair to leave you being the babysitter, and the children's mother would be within her rights to object.


 o
RE: Need opinions

You are not wrong, your DH is. If he isn't going to be there then there is no reason for his kids to come visit.

I'd threaten to tell the BM, I bet she would not like this either. Both of you can sort of tag team him. Either DH doesn't go, or the kids don't visit. The whole point of the visit is for the kids to spend time with their dad, not their SM.

And I can't believe DH doesn't want to see his kids for such a silly reason, I mean, it's not even because he has to work, it's because he wants to go party in Las Vegas. Sorry, but this is not a good father. I would think long and hard before having kids with a man who would dump seeing his kids for such a stupid excuse.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Tell him NO! in no uncertain terms. He is a jerk and you need to file for a divorce with orders for him to leave the home when he returns. Do you want him to father your kids......


 o
RE: Need opinions

He is a jerk and you need to file for a divorce with orders for him to leave the home when he returns

Really EmmaR? Wow....overreact much?

You know nothing about the quality of this guy, or their relationship, other than this one stupid request of his (no denying what is asking is wrong on all levels...), but you feel justified on telling her in no uncertain terms that she should end the marriage over it? Are you just that perfect that you have never made a bad decision in life, one that when you thought it over, you would like to take it back? If so then I guess you are entitled to that opinion.

Advice like that should be reserved for abusers, cheaters and unfit/dangerous parents. You have no idea if any of those scenarios apply here, all you know is he made one very dumb request of her.

Oh and btw - fortunately there are laws that prohibit one spouse from ordering the other to leave the house unless there are valid reasons, such as abuse, danger to the children, etc. You can't even force a spouse out of the house during the divorce process for cheating, because even though it's way worse than what this guy did, it's not deemed a danger to the other spouse or kids. Trust me, I know, for I would have kicked my ex-wife out of the house after her 2nd affair if I could have.....


 o
RE: Need opinions

Come clean with it and refuse to babysit the steppies. Decide to go somewhere else too and hire a nanny.


 o
RE: Need opinions

MK, been there done that. My husband filed suit for divorce because his ex crooked her little finger. He had papers that were to be served to evict me from his home. I saw a lawyer and he told me I would have to leave because a judge does not like to change his mind. At that time the first one who does this gets to stay in the home until it is settled in court. My husband did not have me served and he stayed with me waffling back and forth until I told him to get out. He wasn't listening so I picked up a statue and threw it at a mirror. He left. So he was legally going evict me by order of a judge, and I kicked him out. So it is not against the law. One of the couple has to leave or they are likely to hurt each other.

You should have gotten another lawyer.

BTW The end of the story is: My husband took his ex out to dinner one time, she looked at him and said, "you love your wife"?, he said, "yes, more than I thought I did". She told him "you had better go home before she changes the locks". I had changed them that day, but I let him in. We were married 33 years before he died in 2007.

I really like that statue.


 o
RE: Need opinions

" One of the couple has to leave or they are likely to hurt each other."

If you look at my post, I said "unless there are valid reasons, such as abuse, danger to the children, etc." Clearly none of these apply here, from what the OP has told us, nor in my case. I had a wife with no freaking character, she was not a threat to me, or to my kids, in fact she is a good mom.

I'm glad things worked out for you....but don't you think if you had received (and listened to) advice similar to the advice you gave the OP ("divorce him"), that your story would not have turned out that well? The main point I was trying to make was that based on what the OP's husband did, I thought your advice was crazy over the top, that's all.


 o
RE: Need opinions

My husband did not treat me badly, he was open and honest about his feelings. He thought he wanted her. Him suing for divorce and moving out was the best thing for our marriage. When he came face to face with a choice he figured out in a hurry what he wanted. Even though my situation was different from the original poster's the thought of losing her may make him re think his priorities.

The man is giving up family time for partying in vegas.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Tue, Mar 5, 13 at 8:59


 o
RE: Need opinions

Advice? Ok, start with reminding DH not to forget to pack swimsuits in the sks bags. Not to forget to check on the menu at the hotel to be sure it's kid friendly and to double check the hotel nanny service has the reservation for two.

Oh, and don't forget to tell him you will not now or at any other time lie to cover for his buns. Then smile pretty and wish the four of them a great time.

Nothing to fight about. Nothing to get divorced over. His choice, take the kids or stay home.


 o
RE: Need opinions

"The man is giving up family time for partying in vegas."

Again, not something to brag about...but really, is that something that should mandate a divorce? What if he has never done anything like this before and has been a good husband and father?

Still think your opinion is a crazy over-reaction.


 o
RE: Need opinions

I'm hard-pressed to think of anything I'd consider "over-reaction" to a spouse skipping off to party with a guy friend while both I and his children stay at home.

Actions speak louder than words;
Throwing a statue might get his attention,
filing for divorce might get his attention...


 o
RE: Need opinions

Are you upset that your DH is taking a trip to Vegas? Or that he's leaving his kids with you when he should be spending time with them? I really don't see what the big deal is with him having a guys trip. I would love to take a trip with my girlfriends somewhere with no kids or husbands. Just because he wants to have a guys trip doesn't mean he's a horrible man and you need to file for divorce.

Now I would be upset that he's leaving the kids with you when they are coming to visit with him. And I would not lie to children either. If I were in your situation I would tell him that he needs to make other arrangements for the kids that week.. Plain and simple.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Kroopy - while I agree filing for divorce for this seemingly one time offense is over-reacting, I can't believe you are defending the OP's husband. I bet a hundred bucks you would never even consider doing what this guy is planning on doing.

He is dumping his kids to go party in Las Vegas - NOT a good father.

He is probably expecting OP to watch his kids for him while he's gone - NOT a good husband.

He is asking his wife to lie for him - NOT a good man.

It would be nice if the OP came back to explain if her husband has ever done something like this before, if she's more upset because he's leaving the kids with her, or because he's expecting her to lie for him.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Sherrie, why cant DH just switch weekends with BM ? I wouldnt keep the kids, I m pretty sure they wouldnt want to come and see you alone, would they? I wouldnt lie to them either, but geez, seems like an overreation to DH wanting a few days away with his buddy...I would be happy to see my DH have a get away..He has worked so long and so hard to educate , dress and feed and give the kids everything they want..Why shouldnt he have a few days to relax??? I ll bet if the kids had a birthday, or swim party or get away with their grandparents, or such, they d blow DH off in a minute..Whats the big deal for Dad to have a few days to himself?


 o
RE: Need opinions

Amber, in my first reply I said:

" other than this one stupid request of his (no denying what is asking is wrong on all levels...)"

Was never saying his choices were good, not at all. Just thought EmmaR's advice was WAY over the top, considering the nature of the offense, and the fact that we know nothing else about this guy as a husband and father. Make all the assumptions you want, that a guy that would ask his wife to do this must be a complete loser as a dad and husband, but you simply don't know that.

I guess I just get a little sick of how quick some of the women around here (sylvia...) always advise leaving/divorcing a guy based, on a single issue from an anonymous poster. Must be nice to be so perfect in life as to never say or do something you looked back on with regret.

Besides, the answer to this is simple..he needs to reschedule his kids' visit, and not lie to anyone in the process. Kids are resilient, they will get over it as long as he makes sure he makes the visit up soon and treats them great. No way should she watch his kids, and no way should she be expected to lie for him.

But telling her to divorce him over this ... without knowing anything else....jeez......


 o
RE: Need opinions

--"Besides, the answer to this is simple..he needs to reschedule his kids' visit, and not lie to anyone in the process. Kids are resilient, they will get over it as long as he makes sure he makes the visit up soon and treats them great. No way should she watch his kids, and no way should she be expected to lie for him. "--

I won't assume kids will easily 'get over it' just as I wouldn't just race out file for divorce and change the locks.

OP gave very little details (and honestly appears to not be really wanting to seek advise as OP appears to be a one time 'hit' and nothing else). Perhaps these children have not seen Daddy since Christmas break. Perhaps the plane tickets to see Daddy x amount of miles away have already been purchased (OP never said it could be as simple as trading something like a simple weekend across town). Perhaps little Jrs really will be upset they were all set and excited to see Daddy again only to learn Daddy has now instead scheduled a 'business trip he just can't get out of' so instead they'll just be seeing StepMommy instead.

Who knows, based on the tiny amount of details given in one mere short OP, but I'm also uncomfortable with the thought of just writing it off as 'meh, reschudule the visit, kids will get over it'. Again, based on what little the OP actually did post, she does give the impression the kids might feel Daddy chose something else over seeing them. Hubby's response to her concern is 'lie to them for me'. It really doesn't sound like it's a situation where the kids see this father every weekend and therefore could just easily be rescheduled to still go on trip and not fret over how the kids will deal/feel about the readjustment. OP also didn't mention the ages of the kids. I suppose without additonal details, I could assume a three yr old could 'get over it' better than a twelve year old who might have actually been waiting since Christmas break ...three months ago...to see Daddy. Afterall, that next chance might be summer break (depending on circumstances and distance).

So IMHO, I think one needs to be just as careful tossing out advice of 'they will get over it ' as one does in over reacting and 'filing for divorce' and 'changing locks'. KWIM?


 o
RE: Need opinions

You really think these kids will be permanently scarred if the dad rescheduled the trip for a week or two later? Really?

I think some of you are living in a world of black and white. Sure, what the guy asked her to do was not good, that doesn't make him the devil reincarnated, or a bad dad, or worthy of divorce. For all we know he may be a great dad that fought for primary or half custody that got screwed by the system. Or hell, he may even have 50% custody just like I do, and she is referring to "his weekend" with them...the OP gives very little details.

I have 50 % custody of my kids, and in reality, I see them more than that as I have, due work flexibility, been the one to get them off to school almost every day for the last 7-8 years, meaning they sleep at my house every school night too. We alternate weekends of course. Every single person I know says I am a good, dedicated dad. But guess what, if I had a chance to go on a weekend fishing or golfing trip (not a "vegas" type guy....) that happened to be on MY weekend with the kids, I would absolutely, without regret, guilt or any remorse, ask my ex to reschedule so that we swap weekends.

In fact we have both done this many times, for various reasons. Would I ask my ex to lie about it? Hell no, and I would not lie for her. I'd just tell them that I had a trip with some friends and need to switch weekends. 12 and 9 year old kids are probably mature enough to handle this.....

My point is why are so many of you out there so quick to demonize the man, when in reality you don't know all the details?


 o
RE: Need opinions

JMT - as usual you word it better than I did.

I agree that the knee jerk advice to get a divorce and change the locks is a bit premature, but I wouldn’t also assume that this guy is a great dad and husband.

Based on this one incident, that alone tells me he is not a good dad and husband. Yeah, people make bad decisions, but good fathers and husbands would never even think about doing what the OP’s husband is planning on doing.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Amber, let me turn the tables on you, let me see what you think:

About 6 years ago, when I found out my ex was having her 2nd affair (1st one was three years prior..), and we were in that initial stage of figuring out what to do, she did some things on par with this, actually far worse, I think. There were several times where she left for a day or two at a time, not telling me where she was (of course I knew), or more importantly when she was coming home. My kids were at that time about 8 and 5 I think. When they asked where's mom, or when's mom coming home, I had to come up with things, make excuses, etc., rather than tell them I didn't know when she was coming home.

Pretty sh*tty parenting, right? I think it's far worse than what the OP's husband is asking. Yet (and sometimes this pains me to say, considering all the sh*t she put me through), all things considered she is a loving mom and a good parent, even taking into account some of her bad choices back then. Lousy wife, but a good parent....lol! (I can laugh about it now...)

Basically I am saying I think you guys need to back off the all-encompassing statements such as "good dad's don't do this" and stuff like that. Good parents are capable of making an occasional mistake, even one that sounds pretty bad. It is not necessary an iron-clad indicator of their character as a person (or parent, in this case)....why so fast to label people?

Just have the feeling if the sexes in the OP's story were reversed, the overall tone of the responses might not be so harsh.


 o
RE: Need opinions

Kroopy, the way I see it, it comes down to the person’s intention. Good parents make mistakes, like not dressing their kid properly for the weather, or forgetting to pack their lunch for school, etc.

Good parents, however, don’t do these things on purpose. Your wife intentionally left her kids. It wasn’t like she meant to be home and her car broke down. She did it on purpose. So no, I do not think she was a good parent. That’s not to say she can’t change her ways and become a good parent, but what she did was not good parenting.

This guy is intentionally planning a trip on the time when his kids are coming to visit. OP also stated that her husband could go another time when the kids are with their mother.

Yes, good parents make mistakes, but this is not a mistake. This is not an opps, didn’t realize I had the kids on these dates. This is an “I know I have the kids on these dates, and I want you to lie about where I am.”

And I do think this is telling of his character as a parent is because people are fairly consistent. While all we know about is this one incident, I bet this isn't the first nor the last time something like this has happened.

I just know out of all the men I’ve dated, the a$$holes are pretty consistent with being an a$$holes, and the nice guys are consistent with being nice.

The a$$hole doesn’t one day decide to do the right thing and the nice guy doesn’t become an a$$hole one day out of the week.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Wed, Mar 6, 13 at 16:36


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here