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BF son doesn't want to spend time

Posted by aboutacoupleboys (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 20, 12 at 22:24

OK I read many posts in this forum and I have to say that in light of some of the things some adults write so many in this community look past the words and see the desperation to understand and be understood, in regards to children that are not of our "flesh"...excuse my poor word choice.

I met a man with a son- and he loves his son with the same intensity that I love my two children. His relationship with the boy, when I met him, was surface and strained.

My BF wants us to be a family and I know that he hopes that- me being me- and my girls- themselves, that his son will grow to love us,the ice will melt from his heart, and he will have his son's admiration and one big happy family. FYI: What he wanted, and did not achieve with his son's mother.

Problem: His son has started to say things like, "Dad and I got along great before "that lady" came along."
Not true, but being on the outside and not wanting to add to their issue with how that makes me feel- what do I do? Keep my mouth shut and let them work it out? Or do I ditch a really good person- whom I love dearly?

Who forgot to put the note in my divorce papers that absolutely do not date men with children? Or is this just a searly 14 year old boy - I hate my dad game?

I have no problem making a sacrifice here- I am not impressed with the kid, but I certainly understand that his father loves him. I would be heart broken if my BF did not like my children. It would be a no brainer to dump a man over that. If I leave I think that my BF will resent his son (although they will both get over it I am sure), but I want to be with this man badly enough to rise above my frustration. I guess I am asking this: How do I conduct myself so that I do not hurt the child and maybe even prevent more damage? Hey, is it too much to throw in the hope that he might come to like me one day? Is it too late? Advise me please :)

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: BF son doesn't want to spend time

May I ask how long BF and you have been together? Are you living together? How long has BF been divorced prior to BF's new relationship? What was the visitation schedule prior to you and now? In otherwords, a bit more backstory?

I did read your post in Ima? thread and how BF dragged STBSS out of room. So I'm just asking questions to get a some clarifications.

RE: BF son doesn't want to spend time

Hi there, and welcome! Hope you will get some good advice here. Like Justmetoo said, some more background info would be good.

But with the info we've got so far I think you shouldn't split up with your fiancee because of his son. Clearly the boy is having a hard time with it, which makes it difficult for everyone, but if you 2 are happy together then I don't see that as a reason to end it. Unless of course your unhappiness with the situation is bigger then your happiness with your fiancee (FDH = Future Dear Husband).

How does your FDH interact with him? Would it be possible for the two of them to sit down and have a talk? You could go over it with your FDH and discuss what message you'd like to get across to his son.

-For example that you understand how hard this is for him, and that you respect it that he'll need time and space which you want to give him. Nobody is going to force him to play happy family and you are not trying to take over as a mum.

-Has your FDH expressed understanding towards his son? I think it is very important that his son feels validated, rather then that his feelings are dismissed or disapproved (I'm not saying that that is happening of course!). Your FDH could tell him that he understands how his son wishes things were different, and that it must be very hard on him. He's been put in a situation that he's had no control over and that's difficult for anyone. However FDH is very happy with you and he wants to move on, ending the relationship because son is unhappy about it would not be the right solution. But maybe they can find a compromise: a way of dealing that everyone can live with. Something like: son will be given time and space when he needs it; so son can stay in his room after school and at night if he chooses to, but he will have to sit at the table for dinner with the rest of you. And normal politeness has to be non-negotiable. By making a compromise you are trying to give him some control over the situation back, I think he needs that. Just like the validation of his feelings. If he feels that his dad wants him to 'snap out of it' (again, not saying this is you guys!) then he'll just become more stubborn in holding onto it and more resentful.
Your FDH could ask his son to have a think about other ways of finding a compromise (I'm only aware of him wanting to stay in his room), what is important to son? Get his opinion and get him involved in trying to create a better situation for all of you.

Or would it be possible to have this kind of talk as a family talk? Have you tried talking to him yourself? Is this an option? You could all do a brain storm session to try and find new ways to all get along.

And how about some small and simple ways of trying to make him feel needed/appreciated: the littlest things (like asking him to open a jar for you when you're cooking and FDH is not home yet) could help in slowly creating a bit better bond or some mutual acceptance.

During dinner try and get him talking about his day; show an interest in his life and see if you can crack a joke. There's nothing like sharing a laugh to break the ice.

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