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For those with Adult Skids -Post from the past

14 years ago

For those of you or us with adult stepkids here is an interesting thread posted by folks who don't seem to post here too much anymore. It was written in 2004 and it really landed for me. Talk about don't take it personally...

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg041414453231.html

I sure wish this person still posted here.

Comments (12)

catlettuce
14 years ago
Yea, me too.
Sadly I can still relate to so much of this.
It's getting rough here again, so I haven't been posting too much.
DH & I have a appt with a marriage counselor next week.
He agreed to go after a really nasty argument today which
almost resulted in us calling it quits. I think he is not really to keen on it and would rather we just seperate but is going so he's not the bad guy.

I hope it's not too late, but I'm so tired, and just want us to get back to happy. We've had a pretty good few months but I made the mistake of calling him out on something I was upset about and things got ugly.

I'm to have a biopsy on a lymph node in my neck next week and am scared to death. It's hard to deal with along with
adult kid drama along with knowing your spouse just doesn't really like you anymore. Wish I had the guts to leave like he tells me too. Blah.

I wonder if these ladies that posted on this thread moved on with their lives and if things are better/worse now. I'd really like to hear some uplifting GOOD stuff about the whole adult S kid stuff.

Would really like an update too!

~Cat
finedreams
14 years ago
good luck, hugs. don't worry about anything, take care of yourself. all this stress is not good for you.
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Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.
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sweeby
14 years ago
Good luck with that biopsy Catlettuce --
And don't worry ahead of time! If it's bad news, there will be plenty of time for worrying; and if the news is good, it will have been completely unnecessary.

I'll cross my fingers and send good thoughts your way.
catlettuce
14 years ago
Thanks all, not meaning to hijack.
Just wondering how these ladies are doing now?

Thanks for the kind thoughts.
-Cat
silversword
14 years ago
Best wishes Cat. I think of you often and hope you are staying strong and healthy. It's rarely black and white, is it? You've really shown me there are so many layers to who we are, why we stay, what we put up with, why we are willing to go that extra mile, where is the arbitrary line in the proverbial sand.

I wish you health.
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
Cat, your health is more important than any drama. As someone who has gone through cancer with her child, DS7, 5 1/2 when diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, prostate cancer with DH - ongoing and her own scare with cervical cancer, all clear! whatever else is happening is just not that important.

If you can, table the counseling and marital stuff. If you do then he will have to. Any adult skid stuff should not even be in your mind right now, they are definitely not worth your attention.

I bet those ladies have moved on or LOL maybe those skids moved out and on. Maybe we can post to see.

Take care of YOURSELF and let the rest of it go especially the crazy skid.
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Best Wishes Cat...

I remember Southern ... she was a dentist She clashed with TOS and KKNY ... her and vista left about the same time.

They all clashed because they couldn't understand what the adult skids had put her through all for money ... it was mostly her money and his kids felt entitled to it after she married their dad ... and of course they supported the adult children who refused to support themselves .... The adult skids failed to understand had their dad not married Southern he would be as broke as them.

:)

Colleen posts once in a while ... not too often though.

Vista and Southern were both dentists dealing with very greedy adult SC. I tried contacting both of them at one point they never came back ... disappeared like TOS doodle .... gone but not forgoten all for different reasons but I wonder sometimes what happen with alot of these women.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
here's a link.

Here is a link that might be useful: adult steps
steppschild
14 years ago
Cat -

Wishing the best for you.

-Geri
catlettuce
14 years ago
Thanks all. I don't know where the line is anymore?
I think if I didn't react to him verbalizing frustration
With my dog yesterday and just kept my mouth shut things wouldn't have escalated.

I would like to table it but think things might escalate further. I told him I would pay for it if he would just go with the intention of making things better. He said ok & not much else I know even in a neutral party's office I will be hesitant to be completely honest about our issues as I think he's so old school he will view it as a betrayal.

Good to hear the updates. Too bad they don't post here anymore. I miss them.

-Cat
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Cat can you afford the place your in with out him? ... if so tell him to move back with his kid into the house he made you move out of ... if he won't go call a cop and have him removed ....
catlettuce
14 years ago
Yes, I can afford it, however his "buddy" owns this place. I will have to be the one to go, and I wouldn't be comfortable staying here even though actually I love it and would buy it if it was for sale.

Alas, no dice. I have to plan very carefully to make my next move. I feel like I hijacked La's thread, I'd move it but not sure how to do that?

~Cat

Thanks Sylvia for the thread, when I started reading I remembered it. I miss a lot of the "old timers" always wonder what hapenned & how their lives/marriages worked out.

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