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Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his kids!

Posted by bcy4346 (My Page) on
Sat, Mar 17, 07 at 20:12

Our father has been diagnosed with Melanoma cancer. We know currently it is in his liver. Our stepmother has put nothing but obstacles in front of us girls, her husbands children (there is 3 of us). It is evident that she wants his children to be out of his life during this troubling time.

1.) First night she slept in the waiting room away from our father, until the second day when his children arrived. She never left the room, and would ask not to be disturbed. She knew we were staying right across the street in the hospitaility house so that we could be closer to our father.
2) After his children arrived she went to the nurses station and requested "absoulutely No vistors". We know this because our fathers nurse told us that she went to go into our fathers room after she had seen a young lady walk in and realized it was his daughter. The nurse said she didn't have the heart to ask his younger daughter (32) to leave after she seen how well he responded to her being there.)
3) Our step-mother informed us "I put a block on your fathers phone - that way if people call, it's almost like he doesn't exist".
4) She has told us repeatdly over and over and over again like a broken record..."he only wants me and no one else."
5) He blew his nose and got a nosebleed, humidity was awful in the hospital. She said he would have never gotten a nosebleed if he didn't miss her. She said "I went in and talked with your dad and I said honey, you got a nose bleed because I left the room didn't you, and then he said yes" She further said, "I knew thats what it was. Before the reason was I (his oldest child-40) possible helped him out of bed to fast.
6) The evening of our fathers operation because of the colon cancer she ran to the surgical room when they announced my fathers name and slammed the door without inviting my sisters and I in the room. We could have lost our father in that surgical room...how could she be so cruel? She further tried to encourage us that it wasn't necessary to see our father after his surgery because he wouldn't know any of us...including her "and I'm even his wife." As we ignored her snide remarks we went up to see him anyways. All 3 of us stood there wispering and his wife our stepmother came in with her loud mouth "Honey, Honey wake up its your wife...say hi to the girls! He was loaded with anesthetics and had just arrived from a 3 1/2 hour surgery. He opened his mouth with tubes running down his nose and throat and struggled to say hi. She continued to be persistent by trying to wake him up as she was loud and rude not only to him but to the others staying in the hospital. I couldn't stand to see her do this to our father anymore so I had to leave the room.
7) As we sat in the waiting room our stepmother and her daughter (my father has no children at all with this woman) were in his room holding his hand and and feeding him ice chips.
8) We were never alone with our father and when we were she made sure that she had to speak over my sisters and I so that our father would focus only on her.
9) Our dad hasn't had anything to eat since Saturday (3/10) and on Wednesday (3/14) she mowed a cheeseburger and muffin in front of him.
10) On Wednesday 3/14) our Dad turned 70 years old. All of his children bought cards and brought them to him. When we knew he wanted to rest we left to go get some lunch and when we returned we noticed that our step-mothers other daughter had bought dad a card and it was hanging up and displayed for him to view at all times. Our cards we gave to him was stuffed all underneath mounds of papers and magazines.
12) When we asked if anyone had called his only brother in fla. she informed us that yes she did. But later that evening we had been informed by our uncle that the last he heard was 2 days ago his brother has been rushed into the hospital and that nobody has called him about anything. When she learned that we had called our Uncle she was mad at us and said "it was her place to call our uncle" and that "we didn't have all the information" and our question is "why aren't you giving us all the information and that we had enough information to call him and put his mind at ease from not knowing anything"
13) Finally we decided to talk with hospital staff on our own and of course they had to seek our fathers permission to tell us anything. They were surprised when we informed them that we were his children. We all 3 encouraged them to ask his permission, we knew he would say yes. When the nurse returned with his files she had indicated to us that "our step mothers daughter was not very happy with our request, in fact she became quite angry. She was in the room holding our fathers hand while he slept.
14) Since I have been there she has tried to tell me what my dad does and does not like. She has flipped his favorite color from being baby blue to yellow, and has informed us that "your father will do whatever I tell him to do". She has encouraged him to "hit the morphine button to get a buzz" and talked about herself dying in front of him. Everything seems to be about her and how it effects her.
15) We went to talk with the nurse again and were informed that we had permission to be in the room when the doctor arrives to discuss things with our father. Our step-mother firmly told our middle sister, NO! She further said "this does not concern you girls, it only concerns me and your dad". "This is something that only concerns me and him, you are not included! Our middle sister then said, NO! This concerns everyone of us, and we want equal amount of time with our father!
16) A social worker arrived and said we have to come to a conclusion otherwise somebody was gonna loose. Our step-mother looked at each one of us girls and said Yeah, and it's not going to be me.

The sad thing is, there is no winners here, only losers...and my dad will lose out on not knowing just how much his 3 daughters love him. Some people would say, I can't believe you didn't knock her out. But I know being violent isn't going to make my dad better or keep him alive longer, it's just going to make him sicker and sadder. The nurses recognized how we were being treated and even crinkled their noses at the sound of my stepmothers voice. My younger sister and I chose to leave the hospital and return home (4-hour drive). We knew that the drama that our stepmother was creating was not healthy for our father. Our middle sister (37) lives close by and will continue to inform us as to whats going on. After surgery we now know that our father does NOT have colon cancer, he had 3 blockages and they were removed, however, our father has been diagnosed with having Melanoma cancer in his liver. My sister is at the hospital getting as much information so that she can inform the rest of his children of his condition. The doctor has told her that this cancer is going to spread fast.

I forgot to mention that our stepmother shot and killed her first husband, shes a professional at taking kids daddys away. First her own kids father, now our father. Why won't she share our father? Why won't she let us be with him too during this awful time. I have never imagined that someone could be so cruel! We had a whole hour put together during our 4 day stay in vistation with our father. This expeirience has been one of the most insane expieriences of our lives. The woman is dimented, phsycotic, outrageously jealous, crazy, selfish, inconsiderate, no heart and all kinds of other words I can't put on here.

This evening I wait to hear from our sister to inform us of his life expectancy. Can anyone imagine what our father and his children will go thru during his final time here. This woman will make sure that we will have a million and one obstacles to climb over just to get to see each other again. All I know is that Karma will pay a visit to our evil dimented step-mother! Karma will get her!!! Shame on her!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

YIKES, Sounds like is a lot of anger coming from both sides. As an "evil wicked stepmother" I did my research on the subject because it is stressful for everyone. I found the following book very useful and there is a section in this book on how to address illness in the family. Your father needs everyone around him right now, but it will not be good for him with all these volatile emotions.

Step Wars : Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies (Hardcover)
by Grace Gabe M.D. (Author), Jean Lipman-Blumen Ph.D. (Author)


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Oh please Colleen, this woman killed her first husband

GET A LAYWER.

SM SHOULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE WITH YOUR FATHER. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

I'm so sorry BCY for what you're going through. It sounds like your stepmother is paranoid and jealous and scared to death of what will happen if she allows you three any private time with your father. The fact that she's involving her own daughter clearly illustrates that she's seeing only "her side" rather than your father's need for the person(s) closest to him.

Most of the times when I have heard of situations like this, there have been issues related to greed and inheritance. Is this a factor, do you think? And what was your relationship like with your stepmother before your father became sick?

Have you spoken to the hospital social worker in private? That person should know what your legal rights are and what practically can be done to assure you get some time with your father. Perhaps the social worker could speak to your father privately about his wishes.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

sounds like she's trying to kill this husband, too.

Get a lawyer, & also call the city/county/state (not sure who) to report elder abuse.

Do it now.

(People who are being abused almost always agree with whatever the abuser says, so don't believe he means it when she says "honey you only want me, don't you?" & he agrees.)


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RE: Elder Abuse

just thought of this, too:

Get hold of his doctor.

If "doctor's orders" are that he have the company of his children (it *is* a health/recovery issue, since he responds positively to you), & if you ostentatiously document every instance that she thwarts you or upsets your dad, she may cool her jets.

Meanwhile, you might look into filing for conservatorship.

Your dad cannot defend himself, may even believe that he has no right to do so.

He needs a champion.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

May i say that I feel unconfortable taking sight unseen the sides of the daughters' in this story ?

First of all, it is not so sure that the father is dying, melanoma metastases in the lver are common and in many cases curable. My uncle lived for 7 years after such a diagnosis.

Second, many people don't like to invite all their family to visit when they are in the hospital. I am one of them, when I was operated for cervical cancer I did not want all my family fussing over me right after the operation, so during the hospital stay I wanted the presence of just one family member (my husband) , i told the rest of the family of the operation etc..only later.
In the oncology wing I discovered that this is a common survival strategy of many cancer patients: you feel sick enough without having to put up a good face for your family members'sake.
So, BASED ON MY OWN EXPEREIENCE AS CANCER PATIENT, i would not jump to the conclusion that the father has been forbidden or impeded to contact his daughters, maybe he would have preferred to have them visit him when he was back home, feeling more as himself, withouth tubes and cathethers sticking out of him. I PREFERRED SO, even for my mother.

Third, for all we know, this woman could have shot and killed her first husband because he was violent and trying to kill her, or raping or beating her daughter: she was not convicted for it otherwise the daughter(s) would have certainly mentioned it with relish...

So I think there is more to this story...


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

But that wouldn't explain why he apparently gave permission for the hospital to share information with his children, or why the SM was angry about that, or why the children's cards were not displayed in the room, etc..

I think it was obvious that the SM was not convicted of first degree murder, or she probably wouldn't have been there - but there are a fair number of women who have killed their spouses and convicted of lesser crimes, or found not guilty, but where it is not clear whether it was self defense. There is at least one woman in a prison in my state who shot her husband while he was asleep - she said he was abusive, and maybe he was - but it was not self defense.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"But that wouldn't explain why he apparently gave permission for the hospital to share information with his children, or why the SM was angry about that, or why the children's cards were not displayed in the room, etc..
I think it was obvious that the SM was not convicted of first degree murder, or she probably wouldn't have been there - but there are a fair number of women who have killed their spouses and convicted of lesser crimes, or found not guilty, but where it is not clear whether it was self defense. There is at least one woman in a prison in my state who shot her husband while he was asleep - she said he was abusive, and maybe he was - but it was not self defense."

I did not forbid the hospital to share the medical information with my parents, I just did not want there in my room while I was so sick to not to be able to talk or sedated..They did send cards but they were conserved at home, to allow an easier cleaning of my hospital room by the cleaning crew...
And my husband would have been very angry to have my parents and family barge uninvited in my room or to doublecheck therapy and medical decisions...

This SM is not in jail nor she has been (or the daughters would have mentioned it) or been convicted (they would have mentioned it too) so if there was a rial (I think they would have also mentioned it) she was found not guilty: not guilty in my book means you did not commit a crime..

Why do you feel the need to jump to conclusion against the SM sight unseen, when there are so many visible holes in the daughters'stotry ?

Not all the SK are good kids loving their parents, nor all the SM are evil,


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"The nurse said she didn't have the heart to ask his younger daughter (32) to leave after she seen how well he responded to her being there.)"

That would seem to indicate that her father wanted his daughter to visit.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that this woman was not convicted or that there was no trial?

I certainly hope that if I am ever hospitalized, ALL of my children doublecheck all medical decisions.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"The nurse said she didn't have the heart to ask his younger daughter (32) to leave after she seen how well he responded to her being there.)"
That would seem to indicate that her father wanted his daughter to visit.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that this woman was not convicted or that there was no trial?

I certainly hope that if I am ever hospitalized, ALL of my children doublecheck all medical decisions2

When I was operated for cancer, my older aunt, contrarily to my wishes, insisted on visiting me even if I was nauseous, catheterized and generally unwell. Of course I proceeded to put on a good face, smiled and chatted with her (she's old, and feeble and generally well intentioned) and later I had a collapse because I overextended myself and the nurses were scolded by the surgeon that said that no visits means no visits, hospital are for patients not for visitors...
Remember that a nurse is not qualified to evaluate the amount of stress a patient can bear..

I believe the woman was not convicted because I don't think the daughter would omit to mention such a jucy detail about a woman they define "psychotic, evil, insane etc.."

By the way if I am to be hospitalized again, I trust my husband, the person I choose to marry, to look after me and I don't feel the need for anybody else, my parents or children, to double check mine or his decisions.
I am sorry for you if you don't trust YOUR spouse likewise.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

bcy4346, I am sorry you are going thru such a difficult time and SM is making it even more stressful. I do wonder if SM has always had such a possessive attitude toward your dad or is this new since his illness? I only wonder because people handle the bad news of loved ones differently - could she be reacting to possibly loosing her husband? If that is the case I would be more understanding.
If she has always had the attitude you and your sisters did the right thing. Continue to talk to the hospital social worker, his Dr and his nurse and they will help temper the problem allowing time for you and your sisters to spend time with your dad since that is his wish as well as yours.
You might also want to prepare - if he gets discharged home (as in their home) without doubt have more control.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

The original post says that the *stepmother*, not the surgeon, is the one who mandated "no visitors".

Isolation is one of the most powerful tools of an abuser.

If you wanted no visitors when you were in the hospital, *that was your decision*, & your wishes should be honored.

The poster does not believe that her father wishes to keep his children out.

This is the way manipulators/controllers operate;
They isolate their victims from family & friends & convince the victim that the family & friends aren't coming around because they don't really love the person,that they are jealous of the controller, that they want to control the person & have dropped him like a hot potato because he now has someone who really loves him.

The post sounds all too genuine to me;
it sounds like someone taking a deep breath & listing the things that happened & then at the last losing a little cool & venting.

There's too much pain in it to sound like a made-up story by a troll, &, although "not all stepmothers are evil", this isn't even about the father's wife's role as a stepmother; it's about her power in isolating & controlling the poster's father.

I hope the original poster still has the courage to see an attorney & report elder abuse.

Although I feel sure that the father's new wife is trouble, *even if I'm as wrong as it's possible to be*, when the stakes are the health & the quality of life, & maybe the very life itself, of your loved one, better to err on the side of caution.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"The poster does not believe that her father wishes to keep his children out."

I think the father, as many cancer patients, just wish to be left alone with the two persons (his WIFE and stepdaughter) who live with him and has shared inthe last months all the pain, the indignities and the fear accompanying his illness.

Maybe as many men does not like his daughters (all daddies want to be superman in front of their daughters) to see him vulnerable, in a hospital bed, and would have preferred to see them later, at home , when he could be more himself.

Maybe he does not want three adult daughters with all their children (please if you visit a CANCER patient RIGHT AFTER THE OPERATION ask if he wish to have children around: I for one was not up for visitors, especially young ones) barging in while he's sick and tired in the hospital.

What impresses me of this post is that the poster believes all the choices made (not caling their uncle, putting the block n the telephone etc..) are the work of the psycho SM and not instead CHOICES made together by husband and wife.

In all the hospital, the no visitors clause can be signed only by the surgeon or doctor or by the patient, nor by the family, so if there was the NO VISITORS thing, it was either by medical or by the patient himself indication.

When I was operated for cancer i did not wish all my parents'family to come visiting me (cancer is a difficult thing for most people, some of them will blurt out the most stupid and heartless things out of panic, ignorance, fear and right after an operation you just want to recuperate and not having to deal with their emotional meltdown) and I asked my husband to answer the phone before the operation and to block it later. (the only person who contradicted my wishes and came to visit me was my older aunt and it was unpleasant for everybody involved) : i suppose you could have told that he was keeping me isolated and if you did not liked hm, you could have accused him to abuse me.

My husband was also the ONLY one designated to take medical decisions if I was incapacitated. HE IS MY HUSBAND.
I did not forbid my parents to ask the doctor but I did not think that they had the right to double check and if I had the slightest whiff they were out to make trouble for my husband in such a difficult passage of our MARRIED life, i would have forbidden them accesson my medical record.

When you marry YOU CHOOSE A PERSON TO STAND BY YOU.
This man choosed his wife: just because his daughters don't like her, it does not mean she's an abuser, a witch etc...

Why is so difficult to understand that maybe this father agrees completely with HIS WIFE: they are a couple and they have decided together what to do.
Just because the daughters don't like it it does not mean the father was coerced or abused, it just means that father and daughters disagree, something that happens all the time, even in "normal" families..


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

This does not seem to be the opinion of the nurseing staff.

OP -- GET A LAWYER


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

I didn't see anything to indicate that his stepdaughter lives with him. The impression I got was that she was an adult (would a child be in there holding his hand while he slept?); in any case, if his daughters are in their thirties, it is likely that his stepdaughter is an adult as well.

I didn't see anything about them bringing any grandchildren to visit. Where was that?

If someone says, "he wants me and no one else" that is, as others have pointed out, a sign of an abuser.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

bcy4346, I am sorry for how you are feeling. It seems to me that SM is only concerned about herself. She certainly won't have any regrets in this sitution but you will. I pray that your dad will be ok but if not then you and your siblings are the ones who will be living with the regrets. You know your dad just as well if not better than her and you know what kind of relationship you have with him regardless of what SM thinks. She sounds self seeking and I know we only have one side of the story but it seems like a lot to make up to me and why make it up? The poster is just here to get some advice in a very trying time. Also, why would the two sisters travel to see their dad that they didn't have a good relationship with? They are entitled to that time with him.

I guess if I was in your shoes and it was my dad then I would dig my heels in and make sure that I was allowed the time with my dad especially if I was sure it was what he wanted also. If you don't you could send the wrong message to him and after all he is the one that matters right now and needs the support.



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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Searer has been there, and knows whereof she speaks.

For what it's worth, my father also did not want to see his children when he was dying of cancer. It wasn't at all that he didn't love us, or that relations were strained. He was trying to protect us from seeing him diminished, and having our memories of him be of his last days. And my mother, his supporter to the end, was trying to uphold his wishes. Fortunately, we were able to persuade him to change his mind, and we were able to enjoy a few good visits before things got too bad.

Please consider whether this is a possibility.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Thank you, Sweeby, you know like it is.

for TOS: you say" If someone says, "he wants me and no one else" that is, as others have pointed out, a sign of an abuser."

Well, my husband said exactly that to my old pushy aunt but he was too polite to enforce my wish and after half an hour of her visiting I had a collapse. In fact I DID WANTED ONLY HIM, he was the only person I could bear to see me like that.

And when my grandfather was dying of heart failure at the hospital he shouted to everybody to get out , he wished to spend the last day of his life just with his wife and we all honored his wish.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

But according to the post, the nurse said that he seemed pleased to have his daughter there. If he didn't want his daughters there, it is up to HIM to indicate that - how hard is it to say, "I don't want you to see me like this?" From the information in the post, there seems to be a pattern of trying to isolate him from his children, and trying to prevent them from accessing information on his condition.

And the whole stepdaughter thing makes no sense if this were his idea. If he was deeply attached to his stepdaughter, then he wouldn't want her to see him like that any more than he would want his kids to do so. If he were not attached, then why would he want her there at all?


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

but no one has denied that a patient has the right to choose who's allowed to visit.

That isn't the point.

The point is
that this daughter doesn't believe (& the nurses don't seem to believe) that the father wishes to have his children excluded
that the *stepmother*, not the father, is the one making the decisions,
& that nobody has been allowed to be alone with the father in a situation where he doesn't feel coerced into agreeing with whatever the stepmother says.

This is a situation where the doctors need to know what's going on, & the children need an attorney to intervene to protect their loved one from elder abuse.

& it needs to happen fast.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"that this daughter doesn't believe (& the nurses don't seem to believe) that the father wishes to have his children excluded "

In all the hospitals ONLY the patient himself and the admitting doctor can indicate on the admissions'module Visitors (and then list them) or No Visitors Allowed are. You have to sign it expressely and in person at the admission.
I know because I had to sign it and it is mandatory in every hospital.

So even if the nurses or the SM or the BKids or the Skids believe otherwise if somebody is not on the Visitors list or there are No Visitors Allowed , that somebody should not be admitted. What would have happened if the father instead of "reacting so well to his youngest daughter" had collapsed or had a fit ? I suspect the nurse who let the daughter in would have been sacked on the spot.

For TOS: "And the whole stepdaughter thing makes no sense if this were his idea. If he was deeply attached to his stepdaughter, then he wouldn't want her to see him like that any more than he would want his kids to do so. If he were not attached, then why would he want her there at all?"

well maybe the stepdaughter is not shocked at all by his appearance because she has been there for all his ordeal, after all she does not live hours away and visits often , helping her mother looking after her very sick husband..

My stepson (at the time he was 15) was living half of the year (his choice) with us when I was sick with cancer and saw me every day , so it was not a big deal for him the way I looked (he did not happen overtime so he did have time to get used to it) while my parents, who live three hours'away and visit rarely, when they saw me two weeks after the operation, at home, (I naively believed I was not looking half bad) were shocked by my appearance.
I was not embarassed by my SS'presence (even if I did not want him in the hosptal, he offered by i refused, he faints at the mere sight of a syringe) because he was around all the time..

For sylviatexas: do you really believe that your daughters' or parents' or your family' should call an attorney and investigate if the choice is really yours or your husband is coerceing you everytime they don't agree with the choices you and your husband are making ?

Or do you believe that a cancer patient, that has already seen and signerd the Visitors Allowed module (mandatory for every hospital stay) should, right before and after surgery, discuss and repeat his wishes for every visitor who decide who wants nevertheless to drop in ?

Is a man or a woman allowed some privacy, or at least to choose the people he/she wants on his/her side (even if others'family members do not like them) even from his family, especially if i full of catheters and tubes, without an attorney double checking if they are really sure of it ?


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

searer, the one big difference I see with you and your situation and the OP is YOU made the decision and you most certainly have every right to do so.Everyone should have followed your wishes. But from the OP it appears it is not the father making the decision but the SM. If the father is able to make his wishes known to a staff member when the SM isn't present I feel that his wishes should be granted. Though if you read in my first post I also gave consideration to SM if this has not been her usual behavior but new since his illness.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"In all the hospitals ONLY the patient himself and the admitting doctor can indicate on the admissions'module Visitors (and then list them) or No Visitors Allowed are. You have to sign it expressely and in person at the admission.
I know because I had to sign it and it is mandatory in every hospital."

Well, there you go.

Where's this document?

to answer searer's question:

If I made a choice, of my own free will, uncoerced by a controlling spouse, to exclude my children but allow my spouse & my spouse's child to visit, then when my children came to visit, I would ask my spouse & stepchild to leave the room & *I would tell my children that I needed to rest*.

& if a controlling spouse were systematically isolating me from my children, I would hope that they'd have the courage to put a stop to it.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"In all the hospitals ONLY the patient himself and the admitting doctor can indicate on the admissions'module Visitors (and then list them) or No Visitors Allowed are. You have to sign it expressely and in person at the admission.
I know because I had to sign it and it is mandatory in every hospital."
Well, there you go.

Where's this document?"

Dear Sylviatexas,

I am sure the moment the daughters protested somebody of the nursing staff checked it and this is the reason why even "if the nurses believed the father was reacting well" their visit were limited and subjected to SM'approval, just like mine were vetted by my husband (who was too polite to be firm, but this is another story...).

Also after an operation, you are very sick and you are not in the condition or have the strength (nor you should have to find it) to diplomatically "ask your spouse and the stepchild to leave the room" and then explain patienly your adult children (that being adults should know better to barge in a patient room right after an operation) that you really, really just want to rest with your wife near you...

When my old pushy aunt insisted to see me, I was so sick that I just complied, it was the path of least resistence, it was easier than having a scene on the hospital floor, I was just too tired to start a discussion and to explain myself but I paid my courtesy later with one of the worst nights of my life. Now I know that it would have better if my husband had enforced, even unpolitely, our decision.

You know, if you reread the original post, besides the vitriolic comments on the SM there is not really a single instance where the SM succeded in keeping the daughters away from the father, she just (and rightly so, SHE IS HIS WIFE and lives with him, not hours away) tried to not having them taking charge of his healthcare (as it is her right: SHE IS THE WIFE) and every action on her part has been interpreted with a malicious slant like:

"The evening of our fathers operation because of the colon cancer she ran to the surgical room when they announced my fathers name and slammed the door without inviting my sisters and I in the room. We could have lost our father in that surgical room...how could she be so cruel? She further tried to encourage us that it wasn't necessary to see our father after his surgery because he wouldn't know any of us...including her "and I'm even his wife." As we ignored her snide remarks we went up to see him anyways. All 3 of us stood there wispering and his wife our stepmother came in with her loud mouth "Honey, Honey wake up its your wife...say hi to the girls! He was loaded with anesthetics and had just arrived from a 3 1/2 hour surgery. He opened his mouth with tubes running down his nose and throat and struggled to say hi. She continued to be persistent by trying to wake him up as she was loud and rude not only to him but to the others staying in the hospital. I couldn't stand to see her do this to our father anymore so I had to leave the room."
first of all in post-op only a person is admitted because you are usually groggy and out of it, you don't recognize anybody, only when the anesthetic fade you start to recognize familiar faces, then they accuse her that when the daughters insisted to come in she was loud, SHE HAD TO BE LOUD to wake him up, when you are coming ou of anesthesy the nurses and the doctors ARE LOUD otherwise you just go back to sleep, my husband was encouraged by the staff to WAKE ME UP BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY)

" Our dad hasn't had anything to eat since Saturday (3/10) and on Wednesday (3/14) she mowed a cheeseburger and muffin in front of him. "

(my husband was eating in front of me all the time, I was so nauseous that I could not have cared less, I just wasn't hungry..in fact after three days he was encouraged by the staff to do it in the hope to get my hunger reflex working again)

"On Wednesday 3/14) our Dad turned 70 years old. All of his children bought cards and brought them to him. When we knew he wanted to rest we left to go get some lunch and when we returned we noticed that our step-mothers other daughter had bought dad a card and it was hanging up and displayed for him to view at all times. Our cards we gave to him was stuffed all underneath mounds of papers and magazines. "

(oncology wings must be kept extra clean as many patients are immunosoppressed by cancer so every other day my husband had to take home all the books, cards etc..I could have only the few books and newspapers "in use for the day", i could not have flowers or teddy bears)

"When we asked if anyone had called his only brother in fla. she informed us that yes she did. But later that evening we had been informed by our uncle that the last he heard was 2 days ago his brother has been rushed into the hospital and that nobody has called him about anything. When she learned that we had called our Uncle she was mad at us and said "it was her place to call our uncle" and that "we didn't have all the information" and our question is "why aren't you giving us all the information and that we had enough information to call him and put his mind at ease from not knowing anything"

(even if mine was a scheduled and an emergency surgery my husband also was too "busy" with me to be able to phone family member EVERY DAY with updates, in fact to avoid the hassle of daily bullettins, we decided to phone everybody JUST ONCE, when we were back home with all pathology results so we could give everybody the relavant information- I would have been very angry if somebody had taken the initiative to spread around information on my health without consulting me or my husband)

"Finally we decided to talk with hospital staff on our own and of course they had to seek our fathers permission to tell us anything. They were surprised when we informed them that we were his children. We all 3 encouraged them to ask his permission, we knew he would say yes. When the nurse returned with his files she had indicated to us that "our step mothers daughter was not very happy with our request, in fact she became quite angry. She was in the room holding our fathers hand while he slept."

(I would have been very angry if my parents or my brother would have tried to bypass my husband and access my medical information without mine or his consent and my husband would have been very offended by it)

"Since I have been there she has tried to tell me what my dad does and does not like. She has flipped his favorite color from being baby blue to yellow, and has informed us that "your father will do whatever I tell him to do". She has encouraged him to "hit the morphine button to get a buzz" and talked about herself dying in front of him. Everything seems to be about her and how it effects her. "

( I have too changed my favourite colour in the last year, people change, and my husband could also, if confronted by somebody contesting his marital rights, tell "that i would do what he says"- he's overtly optimistic this way -and he also, in a very emotional moment, when we were said that the pathologist' s report was delayed, started to say things like" if something happens to you, i could not go on living etc.." I too was encouraged BY MY SURGEON to hit the morphine buzz, patients that are not in pain, move better and so lower the thromboembolic risk)

"We went to talk with the nurse again and were informed that we had permission to be in the room when the doctor arrives to discuss things with our father. Our step-mother firmly told our middle sister, NO! She further said "this does not concern you girls, it only concerns me and your dad". "This is something that only concerns me and him, you are not included! Our middle sister then said, NO! This concerns everyone of us, and we want equal amount of time with our father! "

(We also decided to not discuss therapy or prognosis or to have doctors'conferences with nobody else, we are a couple, we live together so WE have to deal with the consequences of the choices we make, not somebody living three hours away. There is no equality between somebody sharing the everyday realities of living with cancer and somebody dropping in to question your choices and then going back to their lives "My younger sister and I chose to leave the hospital and return home (4-hour drive").

I think that especially on this forum, where is clear that not all the stepchildren are well intentioned or objective but in fact many of them have a lifelong vendetta against their stepparents (mainly because is easier to find a scapegoat instead of dealing with the fact that their parents'mariage did fail) you should keep an open mind and not jump on the bandwagon of somebody accusing his SM for choices that many cancer'patients find completely reasonable:go to cancer' patients sites and you will find that they ALL advise the patients to put ONE PERSON in charge, to act as advocate ad enforces of the patient's choices.

A 70 year old man has the right to choose to discuss his healthcare with HIS WIFE without having his children believing him incapacitated by a controlling spouse because they just don't agree with his choices or to be subjected to an attorney'interrogation to make sure "he really wants that".


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

There is absolutely NO evidence that this was in any way his decision. It seems to me that searer has a vendetta against stepchildren.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"There is absolutely NO evidence that this was in any way his decision. It seems to me that searer has a vendetta against stepchildren."

The evidence is that HE SIGNED (as it is mandatory for every hospital admission) his visitors allowed module and THIS is the reason why the nurses could only advise the daughters to ask HIM to revise his decision as stated in the original post. In another mandatory module HE MUST HAVE ALSO INDICATED IN HIS WIFE THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR MEDICAL DECISIONS IF HE IS UNCONSCIOUS: this is the reason why the wife could exclude the daughtes from the doctors'conference.
BOTH THESE MODULES ARE MANDATORY AND MUST BE SIGNED BY THE PATIENT IN PERSON, so it is signature and his decision.

By the way TOS, I am 43 and in my short life I have been SM twice: the first, lasting 7 years, went so well that 10 yar later my stepdaughter choosed me to give her away at her marriage last year and has called her first daughter with my name. I helped her through university when her Bio-parents decided she could work full time and she did not need a degree and now she is a very successful young designer, with her own firm etc..She lives abroad.

My second experience in stepmothering is still going on, my stepson has chosen to come to live with us when he was 18 years old (as here you can only decide where to live against your custodial parent'wish when you are 18)
and now he is 21: while it has been a bumpy ride harmonizing our different communication and living styles we are quite happy with it, and we call ourselves a family.

So I personally have had only good experiences with steparenting but I came from a big family and I have friends and I can see only too clearly the good or bad dynamics that can develop in families, step or bio.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

tos, the biological children were the ones being kept away from their dad, but I think you're on the right track, there's an awful lot of something there.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Why is it so hard to believe that two different people (daughter/OP and wife/SM) can each care deeply for the patient and yet have strongly-differing opinions on what is best?

The Daughter/OP is seeing things through her own 'lens of experience' and that colors everything she sees. If she was predisposed to believe the worst of StepMom - that StepMom is trying to separate her from her father - then everything she sees will be interpreted in that light and go to further feed that belief.

The Wife/StepMom is also interpreting things through her own experiences. She may well believe the daughters constantly second-guess her, and will insist that husband/father be the referee. It wouldn't be unreasonable at all for a protective spouse to want to prevent that conflict at a time like this.

Anyone else notice that the OP has disappeared?


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Hopefully she has gone to find lawyer


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

I'm sorry,but I have to agree with searer on this one.Yeah,me of all people is saying it sounds a little fishy. With all the Forensic stuff these days,if stepmom really did kill her first husband,she'd be in jail...unless it was self defense. Just sounds like a horrible accusation from someone who doesnt like her.
I also think the dad probably didnt want them there after the surgery...that's a pretty normal request,I wouldnt either.
I'm not saying Op is lying,but there ARE holes in the story.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Actually, there are a number of people who kill their husbands and get out after a few years, especially if the husband was abusive. It's not self-defense if she shoots him while he is asleep.

I think the original poster sounded too upset to be making it up, not to mention the fact that she provided a lot of details that she probably wouldn't have bothered with had the story been false.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"Actually, there are a number of people who kill their husbands and get out after a few years, especially if the husband was abusive. It's not self-defense if she shoots him while he is asleep.
I think the original poster sounded too upset to be making it up, not to mention the fact that she provided a lot of details that she probably wouldn't have bothered with had the story been false."

TOS, as the original poster provided so many details (but missing the critical ones like the VISITORS?LIST on the VISITORS?ALLOWED MODULE) I don't think she would have forgotten to mention how many years her SM was in Jail for murdering her first husband or if she was convicted or even put to trial for it...She would have relished telling it.

Anyway, details are not a guarantee of truth: as any mother or kindergarten teacher knows, the more elaborate the story, the more blatant the lie.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

Why would she bother lying? Why would she even bother posting if none of this were true? She is not debating for the sake of debating, since she apparently has not had time (or maybe inclination, since she might be feeling attacked) to respond. Sure, any of us could be someone completely different from whom we say we are, but if we don't go on the assumption that people are telling the truth as they see it, there is no point to having this board.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

No,I dont think she is lying...but possibly embellishing to get sympathy?
Op DID NOT give alot of details involving the step mother killing her ex husband~which is what lead me to think she doesnt know this for fact,or is stretching the truth some.Sounded to me like a rumor thing she heard about but didnt know for certain whether or not it was true.
My point was,it is a HORRIBLE thing to say about anyone unless you know for absolute certain it is true.
Her father must know about it,and obviously he didnt feel threatened enough by it or he wouldnt have married her.He obviously trusts his wife very much to leave her in charge of such important medical decsions for him.
If it was clear she was some kind of murderous skeezer,he would object,would he not?


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

The original poster said "our stepmother shot and killed her first husband."

There is not a lot of gray area in that statement. She did not say that she committed a felony in shooting him, so I would guess that she got off on self-defense or claimed it was an accident.

Although I would hesitate to marry someone who had killed a former partner, not everyone feels that way.

As to a "visitor's list," the last time I was in a hospital, I had to sign no such thing.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

"Although I would hesitate to marry someone who had killed a former partner, not everyone feels that way."

I know it isn't funny, but...
that's funny!


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

I have not posted any lies, embellished the story or looking for any sympathy. What I have posted here is very true, there is no need to lie. This evening I am traveling to see my father. I can only imagine what this weekend is going to be for the three of us and our father. I plan on adding more to this post on Monday, after our visit. Not all Steptparents are bad...however this one takes the cake. I will post an update to all of this after our visitation. More has occurred after my first post. Lieing and exaggerating won't make my father live any longer. Thank you to all for your support and your kind words.


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RE: Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his ki

I'm so sorry.

Please take comfort in the fact that your father loved the three of you & that he knew that you all loved him.


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