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New Step Daughter Issues

Posted by HappyWifeHappyLife (My Page) on
Sat, Mar 9, 13 at 20:07

How do I get the drive to " make it happen " it being a good solid relationship with a 13 year old that has quite frankly caused me so much heartache and I have yet to meet her.
..This little girl is disrespectful to her Father, has manipulated us with her " Im coming then Im not" games.. She has cost us financially with flights bought and refusal to get on them. She almost was successful in ruining our wedding with her antics of promise to be in the wedding after the expense of her dress her shoes her headbands undergarments..Her Daddy didn't get her Nike shoes quick enough so she refused to be in it.. She will not text her Dad unless she wants something..She plays games..

Her older Brother visits, was in the wedding and supports his Father and I happily. We have no support from the Mother at all....( That is a whole other issue ) Ex wife issues..

My issue is this because of her playing and her crying wolf.. I don't have the desire to play her games. I no longer send her care packages, pay her cell phone bill ( why should we she doesn't bother returning her Fathers daily I love you text ) Ive stopped it all..my motto is even with my own son's " I dont and wont reward bad behavior"
My Husband is seeing the light thank goodness but I'm sadden that I have this lack of making things work.. She text her Dad the other day say.." oh daddy I want to visit this Summer I love and miss you , and of course meet G"
I rolled my eyes.. and truth be known I have no desire to have her around me.. these feelings are so out of my character I've always found the good in every soul I have met..I love children.. This is killing me but at the same time " I'M DONE " ..
Has anyone been in my high heels?...
Thanks for reading :)


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

Perhaps it's time to put the text down and Dad hop a flight to have a heart to heart father/daughter sit down talk.

There's nothing in your post to even give a slight glimpse as to why SD is behaving the way she is. Why has she never met you pre a marriage to her father, for example. Why a nightly text 'I love you' instead of a phone call of 'what going on'? Most children don't write their fathers off based solely on a late arriving pair of shoes....obviously more to this.

How long since DH's divorce? How many GFs between then and you? How long since Dad was in her town to living a flight distance away? If BM is an issue, is child even writing the text of 'give me, give me or else' or is BM playing games? After all, anybody can write a text. Is BM seriously inserting herself and pitting child against father?

Most children don't wake up one morning and become entitled brats...they are either raised and encouraged to behave that way or something new is going on to influence their behavior. Teenage girls can be obnoxious creatures under the best of conditions. Thirteen year old girls can be the worse of the bunch. They're a rollercoaster of emotions and drama (even the ones in intact familes), add in life changing events and they can really struggle at this age (not to mention test the patience of a saint).


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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

I'd agree with JMT. This was probably a problem long before you came along. The fact that daddy married you without introducing you to her is a huge red flag that he has very little contact with her. My daughter's father has been out of her life since she was born but when she was 11, he tried to reconnect with her. She wasn't very trusting of him & the first time he broke a promise to her, she was more crushed than if he had stayed out of her life. After a few disappointments, she wrote him off and wants nothing to do with him. She even legally changed her last name when she turned 18 to be rid of his name. What it sounds like, she's becoming a teenager & that is when it becomes "payback" time. If she views her dad as someone that values money over relationships, she will cause him great expense. Regardless of that, just know that it's not personal to you because she doesn't even know you. She is angry at her dad (or hurt) or both and it's up to him to repair his relationship with her. If he doesn't, then she will probably upset any visits she does have and will likely take it out on you as well, after all~ you have her daddy's love that she probably wants but doesn't feel she's getting.


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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

Thanks JMT and IAM for your advice
Guess I should have provided more to the story.. I am a newbie on here
JMT I should have stated there were many attempts of meeting me before the wedding ( 9 months of planning it) ..and I left out he calls as well.. we focus on "texting" because its the easiest form of communication for the kids. Myself I would demand speaking daily.
All of this is hard on me because my kids ( grown ) would not have gotten away with any of the behaviors. I try to be respectful that we all parent differently.
I mentioned his Son, comes and visits we have an amazing relationship, he goes back and tries to express to her " if you just spent 5 minutes with G you would love her"..she continues ignoring calls and text and any means of communication...until she wants something.
I have tried speaking to her and focusing on you had your Daddy's heart way before I did. She hangs up.
( THAT was MONTHS ago) as far as going up and visiting her in Ohio, trips made she refuses to come with us. The Mother is no help ( this is a woman whom packed 2 kids up behind my ex's back while he was at work and took off to Ohio) We have had issues with her as well but I can handle that ( typical jealous ex issues ) its the Daughter I'm having the issue with.

The Mother is not the Mother I am, My ex and I parented together not against each other. This lack of behavior from the Mother is foreign to me. I've always put my children's best interested first regardless of my lack of feelings towards their Father
. We have tried to do everything the right way before being engaged we asked the Mother to help Daughter transition. I guess the real issue for me is I'm OVER it. I don't have it in my heart to deal with her, it saddens me.
She once again is supposed to come this Summer, for 2 weeks..
My problem is I have no desire to have her here or play her games or even try... How do I get passed this?.. Am I loving my Husband the right way for not just turning my cheek the other way once again?


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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

Your situation sounds a lot like how things were with my step-sons, and I have to say, it was bio-mom's manipulations that were at the core of the problem. The boys were very enthusiastic about our wedding and excited to be in it until their mother found out we were getting married (they were with us for a week of vaca when they found out). My ex wasn't supposed to get on with his life, even though she is the one who left their marriage. Anyway, after she found out we were engaged and started on them, they wanted nothing to do with it. Their mother engages is some serious parental alienation, and they are much too young to be aware of how they have been manipulated. Your SD might be acting out her own anger, but the games she is playing sound coached to me. BM might be subtly or not so subtley manipulating her. I'm new to the site so can't remember if we are allowed to recommend books here, but if we are, Divorce Poison is a really good one to read about parental alienation.
Please don't be too hard on yourself about how you are feeling about all of this. It is normal. This girl is behaving in an emotionally abusive manner, and it is wearing on you, as it will. The sad thing is that she learned to be this way from someone.
Your approach of not rewarding poor behavior is a good one. I wish more people went that route :)


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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

Your situation sounds a lot like how things were with my step-sons, and I have to say, it was bio-mom's manipulations that were at the core of the problem. The boys were very enthusiastic about our wedding and excited to be in it until their mother found out we were getting married (they were with us for a week of vaca when they found out). My ex wasn't supposed to get on with his life, even though she is the one who left their marriage. Anyway, after she found out we were engaged and started on them, they wanted nothing to do with it. Their mother engages is some serious parental alienation, and they are much too young to be aware of how they have been manipulated. Your SD might be acting out her own anger, but the games she is playing sound coached to me. BM might be subtly or not so subtley manipulating her. I'm new to the site so can't remember if we are allowed to recommend books here, but if we are, Divorce Poison is a really good one to read about parental alienation.
Please don't be too hard on yourself about how you are feeling about all of this. It is normal. This girl is behaving in an emotionally abusive manner, and it is wearing on you, as it will. The sad thing is that she learned to be this way from someone.
Your approach of not rewarding poor behavior is a good one. I wish more people went that route :)


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RE: New Step Daughter Issues

You need to sit down and explain to DH were you're at in all this SD drama. Just because you personally are 'done' (and who could blame you?) DH likely is not finshed trying. And that's ok.

If DH wants to use his personal spending money to send extra care packages on top of his child support. Let him. If he wants to use his personal spending money to pay for a cell for Sd, ler him. But that really does mean him and his money. He can pick out and up the items he wishes to send, prepare to ship blah blah on his own. His daughter, his desire, his duty then.

Same with birthday card/presents ect. You're not telling him he can't have a relationship (even if a onesided one) with his daughter....you're just removing yourself from all the drama.

If she actually gets on the plane and comes, it's his 'daddy duty' to be the one who cares/tends to her while visiting. It's his 'daddy duty' to entertain her (or not), be around for the visit and hopefully work out whatever issues the two of them have. All that should be expected between SD and you is that you are civil towards each other.

You can't shield DH from SD. You can't wave a magic wand and make all their troubles go away. Whatever happens in the relationship between Dad/daughter is not on your shoulders. You've tried to let her know you're receptive to meeting her and welcoming her...she's rejected you. But husband loves this child and you're going to have to let the two of them make or break their own future together.

Yes, it's hard when you see someone being mean and appear to be only using someone you love (DH), but you have to be careful that you don't set yourself up to be blamed to be the one to push Dh into a decision he is not willing and/or ready to make.

Odds are good from the sounds of it that SD won't come. Even if she does, it will be like one or two visits for a week or two a couple times a year. As long as daughter behaves, respects you as an adult in your home (she does not have to think of you as any more than dad's wife) you may have to accept her as a houseguest now and then. If she misbehaves, makes her visit unbearable, blah blah, make other plans for your. Go spend time with your family, work extra hours, go to the club and exercise.

I'm not telling you to open your arms and heart to the SD...you tried that, she spit in your face so to say...but don't go all out and try to ban and/or control a relationship between the girl and her father. It won't work out well for you


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