Can't stand Step-son, do I leave DH?
txnursingqt
14 years ago
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finedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoterinick
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I can't do it. I just can't do it.
Comments (34)I have never had a subscription to a cooking magazine - the only subscription I did have was to Illuminatrice, an Italian lighting magazine, and that was at work. The only magazines that I buy at the newsstand are Italian design magazines, some of which are quite expensive (I used to buy men's Italian fashion magazines, when I was more fashionable), and I have saved every one of them. I also buy Architectural Digest, Interiors, Veranda, etc. when they publish photos of my furniture designs, and I keep these also. My old magazine collection takes up one shelf in my garage, and I do refer to the Italian magazines from time to time for inspiration. I do collect clutter, but books and magazines are not part of that. I have one shelf of cookbooks in the hall next to the kitchen. I once bought a magazine on Feng Shui, but I decided that the magazine was clutter and got rid of it. I spent last week-end trying to declutter my bedroom because I also bought a new mattress that will be delivered tomorrow, and I want my room to look nice. Yesterday I made a runner with the fabric left over from making new drapes for my bedroom (to be able to block out light) and put it on the wide dresser beside my bed. The dresser on the other side of my bed has a runner I made from fabric left over from when I made my bedspread. I find that decorating or trying to coordinate rooms helps me get rid of clutter. However, I did put a bunch of books on the wide dresser using bookends. I don't have room for another bookcase. If I need to get more books, I will get rid of old ones that I have. Lately I have been buying and reading books on Anthropology and early human evolution. I read them at night to help me get to sleep, and so it takes a while to get through them. I cannot stand to watch Hoarders, but I will watch Clean House if I need inspiration to declutter. Making my house and yards look as beautiful as possible is one of my top priorities, and this helps me let go of clutter. I haven't gotten rid of it altogether, however, and so I think it is an on-going process. I have a hard time getting rid of old clothes that no longer fit, and I am convinced that sometime in the near future, they will fit again. Anyway, that is my goal. They may be terribly out of style or inappropriate by that time, however. Getting rid of old clothes is my biggest problem. One of the things I came across yesterday while decluttering was a printout from a Cooking Forum thread from 2005 that I started asking what was in everyone's freezer. It included a post by Ann_T on pitahaya (I happened to have some in my freezer at the time) that she had copied and pasted, bad Google translation and all. The translation was hysterically funny. Lars...See MoreStepson is antisocial and avoids me. Should DH step in?
Comments (20)My 10 year old SS is also standoffish and shy and keeps to himself. He does this to everyone and has since he was 4 years old. That is his personality and that is your SS personality. As well my ss does have low self esteem issues and he does blow up at times as well. But he blows up at his mother and father. WHne he does run to his room screaming and crying its usually me who has to calm him down. I dont think you did anything wrong and asking your husband. It concerns you but i wouldn't let it bother you so much. THis is your SS personality. What i would do though is watch him closely for outbursts and be prepared. Its obvious he has anger issues towards his own mother. Not you or his father. Is he seeing a councilor after his outburst with his mother? Are you planning ot have children? As for him being more quiet...how about asking him for help in wedding plans. I got my Skids involved with suits, picking colors, picking flowers..chekcing on the internet for me. It turned out to be alot of fun and they felt their opinion counted. And it did cause they were part of my wedding and i wanted to know they'ld be happy with styles and colors they were going to wear. The thank you cards afterwards had all of us. My husband , me , his kids in a photo which i sent to 120 guests. And my SD speech at the wedding made the entire hall be in tears. So you know...there are days i'm angry at her but there will always be ups and downs in any relationship. This will happen with your SS and since you know he's the quiet shy type i wouldn't push him. I didn't push my ss and still dont. You cannto force any relationship and yes the ship has sailed but if he's told your husband to be that he likes you....then dont push anything more. Your husband should just reassure him that he's part of a new family now....See MoreCan't Stand StepSon
Comments (42)I didn't read all the posts so someone probably already said that you are deluding yourself. He will do the same thing to you and your children as he has done to the other three. Also, you might take a step back for the time being and get your house in order. One thing is you have no business resenting a child. Another thing is that child's behavior depends more on you than anything else. If you set rules in your own household for behavior, he would be obliged not to do the things you dislike, like not cursing and not listening to undesirable music that are a bad influence on the other children in your home. Lastly, get some counseling to learn how to properly direct your feelings. You are married to a jerk and you are as much a jerk for complaining rather than doing anything about it and for disliking a child who has done nothing to you outside of reacting to your own behavior and displays of resentment. Understand this, that child, like any other, would very likely have accepted your love, attention, kindness with open arms, but you have put him off. Don't think he does not recognize how you feel. You cannot hide it if you tried although I doubt you have tried. To answer your question, the way to deal with this child is to decide to be a very good influence in his life. I hope you will also consider that while strangers don't know all the details, they also cannot all be wrong. When you are hurt and trying to accept baby #6, #7, and goodness knows how many more or when you and your baby are left out in the cold with the others, just remember there were a bunch of strangers who told you so, but you chose to ignore them. When in a relationship, every woman feels like "it won't happen to me." But it always does. But you didn't ask for that advice, so take it or leave it....See MoreI think I actually hate my step son
Comments (12)As harsh a reality as that is and it sometimes can be completely insane, Deborah is right about the "cub" thing. You better play it smart or else you will be kicked to the curb never the son. A son can be a spoilt, selfish, lazy and useless brat and the mother will still fend for the cub. He could even be a total pyscho and most mothers will fend very strongly. In this case he belongs to the former rather than the latter and this is the case most of the time. I have a step son who is 13 and I am sending him to live with his Grandparents. I had to play it very smart to get this to occur. The step son uses me and shows no respect he never has. The first time he ever met me when he was 10 years old he asked me for money. He hits his grandfather and shouts at him when his grandfather tries to assert himself. This boy has run the joint ever since he was born. If he did something wrong, grandma would give him some candy or some money. His mother is a single mother and the father abandoned her and the son and daughter who is a fantastic girl turning 14 this year. She works her ass off and I have nothing but respect for what she has done since I got involved in their lives. But the step-son is different and is actually undermining her development. This was especially so before I entered the picture when the daughter was a wreck always moaning and upset yet unable to verbalise her feelings. She was ignored while the step son who is useless in an economic sense continued to rule the roost. Despite these kind of factors mothers will do anything to fend for the cub. My way of getting him to the grandparents was to argue that they give him what he wants, and that the cost of me disciplining him at this late stage is just to great. The house would be a warzone, a pitched battle between me and the step son to get him to take responsibility and to demonstrate respect for the fact that I dragged him and his entire family out of borderline poverty. He does not give a shit that I did that because he is no longer in control. When his family was poor they still spoilt him. They are still poor now mind you but they will never fall below the poverty line; i am their security guarantee. A 13 year old boy is old enough to understand this in theory. Especially the MASSIVE change in living standards. They lived in a 'house' the size of a small bathroom with 6 people and rats running around it. I pulled them out and all i get is used by the step son who actually prefers the old life because he was the boss and did whatever he wants. When I tried to control him it became war and instead of continuing it I said to his mother, you know what, he now knows that he can not beat his elderly grandfather and shout at him (because I grabbed him by the throat when he did it). With that control mechanism in place, he knows that if he does it again I will take it further because that is just beyond the pale, beating or hitting and screaming at your grandfather who loves you and kept you alive slaving in a factory for 60 hours a week for a paltry 25 dollars for the entire week...So with that being said, I argued that he should go to the grandparents for now, they love him and will spoil him gladly and he will be very happy as he can do whatever he wants. Me on the other hand, I want to vomit when I see it and refuse to do it. The cost of trying to get him to play ball in society is not worth the result because he is not my son. But my argument to the mother was not that, because I would have triggered the 'cub defence mechanism' that is inbuilt in all mothers. My argument was simple: (1) he will be loved and there will be no real conflict (2) the grandparents love him to pieces and are happy to take him (3) he will be happy there and you (the mother) will not have to worry about me disciplining your son anymore (3) (i actually most left this part out though) her daughter can focus on her study without her brother and grandfather taking over the house with their bullshit (grandfather cooks fried pork fat hotdogs and fried chicken for step son every morning) the daughter eats it because it is what is there - that will change when the step son and grandfather go back to the grandmother's house. Moral of the story is if you want to get rid of a step son you have to make it benefit him 90% + with very little downside to him personally; in my case it helps that he never liked me despite what I did to get him out of poverty. So easier to get rid him. Also I pay the bills. Depending on what your situation is you have to tailor your reasons accordinly, but if you want to succeed you must make getting rid of him a plus for him personally and not for yourself. Otherwise you will trigger 'mother cub mechanism' and it is GAME OVER if you do that. Find a way to make getting rid of him a net benefit for him and make sure that he is in a safe loving environment. You won't succeed in having him go to a less safe environment because that will trigger the mother. BE VERY SMART and capitalise on ANY viable opening you might have....See Moreceph
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