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Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Posted by Karen10125 (My Page) on
Sat, Mar 23, 13 at 18:53

I've always believed that you should never give up on your children, and never give up on having a good relationship with them. But having now lived in a situation with adult stepchildren who are rude, ungrateful, disrespectful and even mean toward their father, I'm starting to have a different attitude. These are adults in their late 20's and early 30's. I've lived with this for over 10 years. I've tried EVERYTHING. I've listened to my friends and most of all listened to God and tried to be patient. But I have to be honest, I'm tired and I'm done. I am the one who has been convincing my husband not to give up, to give it another try, to make another call, send another gift, be the bigger person. But now I just want to tell him to forget it, because it's not working. I can't stand to see him sad about it anymore. I would never tell him what to do, or interfere with what he wanted, but I personally cannot make an effort anymore. What do you think? Would you give up?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

yep.

Doing the same thing that hasn't worked in the last 10 years won't work in the next 10 either.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Yes I would. I gave up on my own children. It happened slowly over time, but I do not want anything to do with either of them. My oldest one has partied his life away on drugs and booze. My youngest wants only money from me and cussed me out when I said no more. I would be afraid of his wife if they were in my life and I became weak and helpless. She would move in, take care (ha) of me, abuse me is more likely, until the money ran and then dump me in a care home.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Yep. As Sylvia says, if you haven't cracked it in ten years of trying, odds are you never will.
In your shoes I'd say to your DH, "Honey, I can't do this any more, so I'm opting out of this dance. You do as you see fit, and I'll support you, but I'm not going to get involved any more." He may find it as much a relief as you do, if as you say you have been the main instigator of the continued contact.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

It's never that easy though - it's not black and white, stay or leave. You love him and his kids are part of the package. Kids grow up and leave, eventually it will be the two of you.

Stepfamilies are a delicate territory and you know in your heart that you love him.

Sometimes the comments on here are jabby and negative....take it with a grain of salt and do what you feel is best.

I wish you the best in finding your happiness.....


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

It's never that easy though - it's not black and white, stay or leave. You love him and his kids are part of the package. Kids grow up and leave, eventually it will be the two of you.

Stepfamilies are a delicate territory and you know in your heart that you love him.

Sometimes the comments on here are jabby and negative....take it with a grain of salt and do what you feel is best.

I wish you the best in finding your happiness.....


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Psst, Wordsmith...poster did not say nor imply she was giving up on her husband or their personal relationship. And the children are not going to grow up and leave...they are already currently adults and gone. It is now just husband and poster.

If I am reading correctly, husband has been being pushed by the poster to keep trying with his adult children. She is now asking if she should stop forcing the issue. In other words, she herself would stop nagging husband to call them, send gifts, keep inviting blah blah blah.

No grain of salt needed. The poster has tried to intervene in building/rebuilding a relationship between her husband and his children. She thought/thinks they should have one and encourages husband to keep trying. BUT she now realizes perhaps after 10 yrs it's time to accept the fact that these adult children don't want a relationship with Dad and she should stop pushing husband. To keep her nose out of the middle of it and allow her husband to make or break his own relationship with his own children. She's simply disengaging from being the instigating force behind any reconciliation between father and his children.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Just to be clear, I wouldn't say I "push" my husband into a relationship with his kids or am the "instigating force", sorry if I wasn't clear initially. I have encouraged it when he was ready to give up. But for years he went above and beyond and that could actually be the problem. I believe they think they can walk all over him. Lately he has been calling her and she doesn't call back for over a week, it's like he's actually begging her to come over or meet him for 15 min. for coffee. It's ridiculous. I told him not to call her anymore, to wait for her to call instead. I think he's worried that she won't and that'll be the end of it. I told him 2nite that he doesn't have to settle for this type of behavior. He has close relationships with some of our friends' kids who are respectfully and appreciate him and want to spend time with him. So anyway, I'm no longer pushing him into anything, I'm actually trying to get him to step back, at least for now. To EmmaR, I'm so sorry to hear about your children. I will pray for you and that they come to their senses.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Yes. Spending time with mean and rude people will bring anger and resentment into your life, and you will be unable to give your best to anyone. Share your love with people who are positive and giving. Then, if your stepchildren ever decide to turn themselves around, you will be ready to accept them.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

My step daughter's never grew up. They only came to see us when they wanted money. They really avoided us when their Dad was diagnosed with AZ, 4 years without seeing him except for one request for money. I guess they were afraid I would ask for help in caring for him. I did one time when I needed a sitter for him in the hospital. They would not help. I went home and took down all their photos which were hung in the hallway. Boy did that feel good. I also said no more family dinners or Christmases together. My husband fully understood, after 30 years I had the right.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

Well since I've given up on the situation, now my husband is making an unbelievable effort, like going oveboard and blaming himself when his daughter is rude and doesn't get back to him. It's hard to just sit back and watch this. I need advice on how to stay out of it. I have my own children/grandchildren and I try to focus on them, but it's hard to watch my husband being hurt and delusional. Someone wrote about their husband being sick and the kids not even being there to help. That would totally be my situation, they would never be there for him, it's only expected that he be there for them and write a check when necessary. What's most annoying is that his ex-wife walked out on all of them and he was there through the hard times, raised teenagers on his own, etc. Now they treat him like crap. I don't get it.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

The way to stay out of it is to *stay out of it*.

If you intervene, provide a cushion or buffer, that unbelieveable effort will cease, & you're back to square 1.

Whatever the causes, whatever the history, this is something he has to handle & to come to terms with.

Be your own happy loving self, express your appreciation for his loving self, but when it comes to this part of his life, stay out of it.

I wish both of you the best.


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RE: Is It Time to Just Let Go?

I feel for you for the situation you are in. Blended families are rarely easy (shucks, even biological families are complex). May I suggest that you try to take a step back, and assess the situation for what it is. What makes you happy in the relationship? What makes you unhappy? Are you and your partner willing to work through the issues (kids grow and leave). What do you really want....make sure your basic needs are being met. All relationships go through hard times, no pressure, no diamonds. I try to see the good...after all, its the good times that led you to where you are. If the situation seems unresolveable over the long-term, you have a decision to make. Only you have the key to that decision. We are on here to support you regardless!Please note, I have been on here long enough to see a pattern of toxic users. Try not to take to heart what sylviatexas or EmmaR offer for advice. I believe they are genuine, but they appear to be man-haters that only see black and white. Take it at face value, they often have good points. Just know we all don't see things that way, there's a million shades of gray :)Good luck, follow your heart.:) Bess

(they may hate message or slam me for my comment - I understand, they have every right to be honest, as do I. Follow your heart)


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