I just got off of the web site for this place. The cost is $135.00 for 20 kids. That does not include cake and other refreshments.

Since she can invite 19 kids she is going to want to. I guess we are in competition with the Jones whether I like it or not.

That is $135.00 + $70.00 already spent on her = $205.00 plus refreshments and maybe other gifts. I am not happy.

That isn't bad for that large a group. I spent several hundred dollars last year on SD's party and I did all the work myself. I invited 30 kids and only 8-9 showed up. They all had a great time but it was very expensive. The previous year, BM and DH had a joint party and spent just over $200 for a bowling party.. only two kids showed up. I'm not sure how many BM invited. It's frustrating to spend a lot and have no shows. I hope that's not a problem for you.

One option my ex & I used to give the kids, we would offer to take them on a day trip.. the coast, San Francisco, or an amusement park with the money we would spend on the party, usually about $100 but we'd always spend more on the trips. I think that gave the kids better memories than Chuck E. Cheese. It would also depend on our finances at the time. In the last 20+ years, we've thrown over 50 parties and the party should not be to keep up with anyone, I let the kids decide what kind of party.. when they were smaller, we'd invite more kids but as they got older, they invited fewer kids that were closer.

I think if your husband is going to allow a bigger party, he should arrange it, pay for it and organize/supervise it. It should not be YOUR responsibility.

Believer: I am not sure if you work outside the home, and I remember that you are struggling with some health issues right now. You mentioned that your DH works 6 days a week.

I am going to go out on a limb (if you are not working outside the home) and say as a spouse, are we not supposed to be a helpmate? To help our spouse if it is something we can do that will help them somehow?

It seems a good time to sit down with your DH and talk about your kid's birthdays, and how they will be celebrated in your family. Some kids have a party every year, some every other year, etc. Some, only celebrate with their family, and others will have a friend or two over, or go to a movie, or something.

What would your DH like to do, and what would you like to do? Does your SD10 have a bio-mom that throws a party for her? I think that you and your DH need to come up with a game plan (and budget) on how birthdays are going to be celebrated with the kids...and then share the plan with the kids.

But I think it is worrisome that with your DH working 6 days a week to provide for his family...that you, as his darling wife, have so little desire to help him out. It appears that your attitude is punishing him for wanting to do something special for his little girl's birthday, instead of a sincere desire to be your beloved's helpmate. How come? Is it not our place (husbands and wives) to smooth the way, and help where we can?

Some kids parties are too extravagent! 40 kids is too many! The gymnastics center should be pretty easy though...don't they supervise and help with the party too?

My dh has missed all but one party in the last year for the kids because of work. It stunk but I made it through. I had my sisters come help me. Do you have anyone to help you? Maybe your daughter who just moved out?

Birthday parties are so much fun for the kids and full of wonderful memories.

To save money on cakes we did make your own cupcakes at each kids party this year. Me and the kids baked the cupcakes before hand and then we put out a few bowls of frosting and some sprinkles so each child could decorate their own cupcakes. *To get the most out of each container of frosting I put it in the bowl and beat it with a hand mixer for a minute or so and it almost doubled in size!*

Kids loved making their own cupcakes and it cost way less than ordering a cake!

As for presents I would think the cd player is plenty!

I struggled as a single parent and spending over $150.00 for the main gift and then a party was on par 25 plus yrs ago. So I do think you're being a scrooge.
My niece also goes to a private school where there are plenty of affluent parents footing birthday parties that seem extreme to me. Such as renting rooms, limos, steak dinners for 20, etc.
I think that having one day a year made special and being fussed over is healthy for a child...if you're still wanting that at 60 yrs. old...well, what can I say LOL!
Me thinks you need a bit of compassion in your heart right now. Because your post sounds as though you're holding some resentment there now.

When I started reading this thread I thought it was going to be about the types of birthday parties that are common where my BIL and SIL live. Try $2k+ for a kid's party, and these are middle class to upper middle class people, not wealthy. THAT is overkill. But $205 for a child's birthday is not really overkill, depending on your circumstances. If you are having financial difficulties, then yes it is.

"...so to say we could save money and do something at home won't appeal to me either..."

Based on that, I do think you are being a little of a scrooge. It's not about you, it's her birthday. Having sleepovers is part of being a little girl! One of my fondest memories as a kid was my best friend's sleepover party when she turned 10. It wasn't fancy, just pizza, popcorn, etc., but we had a blast. I think it was about 12 girls. We are still best friends, btw. Those memories last.

I don't think you can say no sleepover or party. Having one friend over is a pretty pathetic birthday for a kid that age. Personally, I would opt for the sleepover. It seems more, well, "wholesome" to me. And less materialistic, but still celebratory. Insist DH be home that night and the next morning to help out. That's fair.

Thanks for your comments guys. I do feel like a scrooge and I am not feeling like doing anything for anyone right now. I haven't for a while.

I have been thinking about this since I posted it and I want this to be a good day for SD10. This is not what I would have chosen and I think I'm a bit upset that DH and SD10 come up with these things (plans are made often between the two of them) without my agreement. Especially since in the past I have been the one left doing the whole thing. There is no birth mom, she is deceased, no one to help me. Plus when I say that we have to spend around the same for DS16 when his birthday comes around DH doesn't want to.

I do have pain issues, sciatic nerve related. Acupuncture has helped me lately but I think I get nervous about making big plans because I have has so much pain and I'm afraid that I will have it and be committed to a party.

I haven't felt much like a "help mate" lately quite honestly. I do feel badly for DH and the work schedule while at the same time being thankful for his job. He is also taking a class for his job and that takes up a lot of time. He is wearing out and I am worried about him. Things are not getting done at home that we had planned and I can't do them. I am not a stay at home mom by choice but because I am disabled. The more he works the harder it is on me. I can't help it, it is the nature of my sciatic nerve disorder.

SD10 can be quite spoiled by dad. He does not set limits for her, does not tell her no. She also is showered with gifts at Christmas and birthdays by his family and her late moms. If you have read some of my posts about SD10 before you might remember that she is a child that does not play a lone. She has soooo many toys and seldom plays with them. I kid you not when I say this....she has let things sit in the gift bags for months in past years after a birthday party....she still has Christmas gifts where she has not opened the box and played with the toy. I think I am bugged by that.

I can understand where I need to improve my attitude and I will work on it. I want her to have happy memories of her childhood. She has had fun birthdays in the past so I am capable of rallying on the day of.

I think I am also bugged by choices that my DH makes with his daughter that I would not make. I feel that he does not consult me because he knows I would not let her have her way. Example...SD10 had a very bad cold, cough and he let her spend a day our playing in the snow with her girlfriend. She ends up breathing in cold air and is soaking wet and then gets sicker. She had just finished one round of antibiotics and then had to do another because her cough got worse. He does that every winter.
One winter she ended up with pneumonia.

So...yes I need an attitude adjustment, I admit it. Yes DH and I need to communicate more but it seems we have this discussion often and he still doesn't set limits for her. I do get tired of being the bad cop....Another example...it was shower night for her and I was leaving to run an errand. Before I left I reminded her. When I got home she was sitting in front of the TV and her shower time (we have a schedule for her) had passed. SD10 didn't notice, DH didn't notice but the bad cop came home and had to enforce the rule. He was suppose to have her put dishes away tonight....didn't do that either. She just watched TV.

It isn't her fault but it does let her know who can be snowed and who can't.

Sorry so long....I'll happy up now..... :o> ....and I sincerely do mean thank you for your responses.

It's really not about the birthday....is it!!!!!????

Sue,

With DH working 6 days a week there is not a night that would work for a sleep over. He gets up at 5:00 am. We are also cramped for space since our basement is stuck in quite a mess because we have not been able to move forward with remodeling project due to his schedule. Perhaps we can look at that next year.

He booked the gymnastics place tonight. That is a done deal. She will have fun and I will check my attitude at the door....I have promised myself that I will not complain about it either. She is my last baby even if she is a SD. I do feel like a single mom with an extra child a lot here lately. We have only been married a little over 3 years and DH has been so happy to have me do the hard stuff. He likes being a disneyland dad.

Venting here and reading responses is helping me to see my faults on this issue.

I don't think you're being a scrooge for wanting a small party... Or for not wanting it to be a bigger birthday competition... And you know your financial situation and what you can afford...
But what SD wants should play a big factor for birthdays.

-- Here is our recent birthday story --
My SS just turned 10. We asked him what he wanted to do and he asked to have friends with us to the hockey game and for a sleepover. He could have had two friends (because of seatbelt limitations), but only one could make it.

We had birthday cake when we got home (I made and decorated it for SS) and I made the boys fancy waffles in the morning. DH and I decided beforehand that he would stay up late and I would get up with them in the morning.

The actual party wound up costing us nothing extra, as we have season tickets and we had an extra kid's voucher.
The cake and the makings of waffles and toppings was We only spent about $40 on his present because I won a game-worn jersey of his favourite player. DH and I got the player to autograph it, and I pinned it all nicely into a shadow box to hang in his room.

Grand total, ~$55
Usually we'd spend ~$100 on a birthday gift and would be willing to spend up to $150 on a party. This year turned out to be inexpensive.
He had a terrific time. There were LOUD shrieks when he saw his cake and gift. He even said the next day that his party "was so much fun and I want to do the same for next year!"

He was at BM's on his actual birthday, and she had some family over for cake that evening. Nothing fancy, but we talked to him on the phone and he was having a BLAST!!

So no, if the kid is cool with small/inexpensive/mellow then that's awesome and there is no need to go all-out. But if you can afford it, and the kid wants to do something a little extra, then I think a birthday party is an OK time to do it. Birthdays should be special memories.

Oh, and here's the cake I made! It's the logo of the hockey team.

Ceph,

You did a great job! Since this year is already planned out I think I'll spend time looking into some things for her for next year. Maybe something with more imagination. In the past years we have done 2 skating parties and 1 chucky cheese. This year will take care of the gymnastics thing...who knows....once it is done maybe I will like this idea.

Like I said. I think my sour attitude is because of several things. I don't want to have this birthday be something she remembers for all of the wrong reasons. It was that way when I was a kid. Not good.

Thanks Ceph....and awesome cake dude!

One word - HOTEL.

For the last two years we've rented a two room hotel room, each in different towns, invited a few girls and had a blast. Shopping, pool, room service . . . and nothing to clean up in the morning. The girls take the bedroom and the pull out couch is mine (and last year mine and BM'S together) but it is so little hassle and so much fun. I highl recomend it!

Be careful on the hotel BD party idea. Someone we know was invited to one, but was sick and didn't get to go. Good thing! The birthday girl's mother and her sister rented the adjoining room to the kids. Somehow the kids got onto the naughty channel on the hotel TV, and a few told their moms the next morning. Gossip about what happened got around to ALL of the parents, and many other families at school, and everyone was really angry and disgusted at the birthday girl's mom.

Believer: I understand the health issues. But it seems your attitude is to punish your DH and his daughter for planning this party. The cost is reasonable for 20 kids, and is perfect for that age group. You can sit and watch the kids have fun, and the gymnastic place will handle everything for you!

I love mom2malls idea to just bake the cupcakes, and bring the frosting and sprinkles and the kids can decorate their own. All you need are napkins, plates, and juice boxes, and the place will do everything. And in two hours it is done, and she will have happy memories!

The kids are old enough to pitch in and help you out at home, to pick up some of the slack for your DH working a lot of hours. It will help them become capable adults. I have just talked to two people who have lost their jobs. One worked for the company for 30 years, the other 26 years.

I know you don't feel great, and yet, you are still in a fairly new marriage. Find a way to help smooth the way for your darling husband who is working so hard to support his family. To make his life easier. To be that person who appreciates and respects him, and can make him smile and laugh out loud!

If you cannot afford the birthday party, then you are not being a scrooge at all. And it doesn't sound like you are trying to keep up with the Joneses. That is quite reasonable for a party of that size. DD has parties every other year and they tend to be quite expensive, although we try to keep the cost down. Last party (two years ago), we had it at one of those lazer tag places, 15 kids, and it was almost $400, not including party bags (which cost another $100 and gifts. This year, we are doing a party at our house to cut down on the costs, and I think it will be more fun as well. The plan is to rent a bounce house and a cotton candy machine, turn our media room into a dance space for the evening, barbecue some hotdogs and hamburgers, buy some snacks and drinks, bake cupcakes (mom2emall, love the idea, will be doing that) and let the kids have a good time. We will also allow her to have a sleepover, but limit the number of kids able to sleepover to 5 or so. I dont feel like we try to keep up with the Joneses and have not found that others in our area think that way either. Many dont even do parties, and I find that the at home party is coming back into vogue, maybe because of the recession. That is not to say that there arent those people who do the expensive parties, for whatever reason, but I find them to be few and far between. What's important is that the kids have fun. If you can afford it, don't deprive SD of the memories. Sounds like there are other issues going on here besides the cost of the party.

"It's really not about the birthday....is it"

exactly.

We're a funny species;
we can find the *darnedest* ways to compete, upstage, show off, etc.

When I first moved to my area, I was thrilled with the Christmas lights.

Nearly every house had beautiful outdoor lights, & most of them had Christmas trees showplaced in the front windows.

but...the Christmas decorations have become more elaborate & expensive every single year.

Last year, I grumbled to a friend, "This stuff has gotten downright competitive!"

He thought I was being funny, but I wasn't.

To paraphrase, it wasn't really about Christmas, was it?

just realized this hasn't been helpful, it's just been commiseration!

The only way I've ever learned to deal with competitiveness that destroys my enjoyment of any occasion is to absolutely opt out of it.

Enjoy someone else's big shebang if you can, & do something very small & very personal for your own observance of the occasion.

example:

One year my aunt knew her husband was dying, from a brain tumor.

They were older people, had everything they could possibly want in material things, could travel anywhere they wanted, their children could give them vastly expensive gifts... but the only thing they really wanted was something no one could give them.

They used to drink coffee together on their patio every morning.

I gave them an insulated carafe & 2 mugs illustrated with a boy cat & a girl cat sitting on a window sill in the moonlight.

That was 25 or so years ago, & my aunt still has those things.

'nother example:

My Aunt Gladys taught Sunday school for hundreds of years.
She never had much materially, but she loved those children, & she had both her feet firmly on the ground. In the garden, to be exact.

Every Christmas, when the kids got way too much candy & way too much plastic stuff & way too much of simply everything anybody would sell to their parents, Aunt Gladys gave each child a small plant in a small pot, with instructions for growing it.

Wow. This thread is right on par with what is going on at my house. The last five years have been big parties for my daughter. Last year it was 22 kids at Chuck E Cheese. My dd doesn't remember it, but it cost $300 and she spent the entire party with one kid because a six year old does not have the social skills to interact with 22 other people (not including family and friends) at a time.

After that party I said "no party next year". When I look back on my childhood we always celebrated my birthday, but not with a big party every year. Most years it was dinner out, fun breakfast, event (going to a community fun thing), sleepover with 2-4 girlfriends... you get the picture. These parties are out of control. The kids don't remember them and the cost is outrageous.

This year I told her she can invite a friend over and we will go to an amusement park, or the movies, or rent movies and make cupcakes, or....(other options)

She chose the movies. I will make it special, and make it a special day for her, but I am not going all crazy like last year and the years before. And, it's not the money so much as the time, and the actual enjoyment that she had.

Believer, that's not a high cost for that group in my opinion/experience, and it is nice to have them handle everything. But I think you are perfectly within your rights to limit the extravagance. Big parties with 20 guests should not be every year. So maybe have the party gracefully this year, and explain that next year will be a small party (and give options). There are tons of fun things to do that do not include catering to 20 children and their parents, and I'll be willing to bet that your dd will have a lot more fun with just a couple of girls.

"I would have been happy with SD10 having a girlfriend overnight, going out to eat, renting movies or going to the "Y". "

I think that's reasonable. Yes, sleepovers with a bunch of girls can be a rite of passage. And they are fun. And every family is different. If your health does not allow this comfortably you need to do something else. Your daughter will go to sleepovers. She will not be deprived. You are not a scrooge. I know one young girl (around 12 now) whose mother is in a wheelchair. She is exhausted and needs quiet all the time. This girl does not have sleepovers or parties at the house. Much of her time is spent quietly at home. It's her home circumstance and we all live differently. Her mother treats her very well, and others make sure the girl gets good, boisterous experiences at their houses. The little girl is happy. She loves her life.

I'm shocked at the "American way" of overindulgence. When my grandfather was a boy they would get clothes and an orange for Christmas. And they would be grateful. I'm sick of hearing of little spoiled children who think they are entitled to a themed extravaganza for the event of their birth. I sound mean, don't I?

There are ways to know you are special, better ways to know you are special... I really like the suggestions of Sylvia above. The best gifts are not expensive but from the heart.

Believer, my dd is like yours, she gets and gets and gets. She probably receives $1000 + worth of stuff every holiday. Often I take gifts before they are gifted for Christmas and her birthday and put them on a top shelf. She writes thank you letters for the gift (thank you for my present) but she gets them later. Too much stuff. Last year I told everyone to give her a donation in her name to a charity of their choice. She still got tons of stuff, but I could stomach it better. I want her to appreciate what she gets.

Silversword said: "She chose the movies. I will make it special, and make it a special day for her, but I am not going all crazy like last year and the years before. And, it's not the money so much as the time, and the actual enjoyment that she had."

Bingo!!
It's making a child feel special that is the important part of birthdays in my books.
Not the amount of money you spend or how many people are present.

My most memorable birthday party was when I was about 6 or 7 and we went for a sleigh ride at the neighbour's (he had a team of Clydesdales) and I got to pick the Christmas carols we sang. I think I had about 2 of my own friends there, and the rest was family and family friends.
My cake was decorated as my favourite My Little Pony and we ate it in the mudroom of the neighbour's house with a big carafe of hot chocolate after the sleigh ride.

Talk about a fabulous birthday!!
But it cost almost nothing. (I believe my parents gave the neighbours a couple of hay bales in exchange for the sleigh ride)

Ceph, wanna be my stepmom too??? I'm too big to need birthday parties, but we could eat cake together!!!

That sounds like a great party. I love clydesdales. I just decided today that we will surprise her with bowling first (just her, me and dh) with pizza at the alley (she's been wanting to go really bad for a while now). Then we will walk over to the movies. Then we'll take a hike this weekend and pack a picnic, which she's been wanting to do as well. Make it a special day, spread out over a couple days instead of a packed 2 hours of frenzy.

my husband also doesn't make any effort with his kids for their bdays. ITs always me and i'm tired of it. But i always do something because its their bdays...dont want them unhappy. Its just down right cruel not to do anything.
BUT, my budget is tight...so nothing elaborate..Its always a home party , invite their friends. i make a cake and plus presents....so...i do not rent a place for bdays.
Did it once for my son...and i just couldn't get into it at all....and it doug in my pocket book! Had to rent...several people were allergic to my cat.:(
Anyways...the price for 20 kids does sound reasonable. Try to be positive and look for something else next year.
Maybe a backyard party , barbq? you can do a theme?

Scavenger hunt!!!

Well today is SD10 now 11's birthday. I did not buy her toys this time around. I bought her clothes. She received several gift cards from her out of town relatives and we decided that she can buy toys with that. She is growing like a weed and is really into dresses now so I bought her a couple of summer dresses with tops to wear under them. I spent about $100.00. She also had to have "treats" to take to school so I had to buy cookies for her to take. I had forgotten that she needed to take treats so buying them was easier at the last minute.

I enjoy getting pretty little dresses and such for her and she needs them, will get a lot of use out of them. Unlike toys.

DH booked the gymnastics place for 5 to 6:45 p.m so I feel that we should feed them supper. I thought I would take a crock pot with hot dogs ....buns....chips and juice drinks. I am not doing gift bags.............this is the Saturday before Easter. All the kids are going to have enough candy and sugar at home.

We are taking her out to eat tonight....oh yes....I got her a Jonas Brother's CD. She LOVED it.

All is well and yes next year we are cutting back and have told her that. Thanks for your suggestions...Blessings to you all.....Kim

believer, thanks for the follow-up post. It sounds like you were just in a funk the other day, but have shaken it off. "Talking" helps. I'm sure your SD appreciates you. Cheers, :-)

Sounds like you got good gifts for her. My dd looked at her gifts this morning and said, only three gifts????

ummmm.... she has one more coming in the mail (I have the slip to pick up at the post office today) and we have not given her our gifts yet either. The gifts she will receive will all be expensive as well.

I cringed. "only three gifts". Jeez. It kills me!

Silversword, isn't that expectation of the world the hardest thing to deal with???

Believer, I'm so glad everything turned out well for you all. It sounds like SD had a great birthday and I'm sure yu were happy to be part of that. We told SD that she could have parties up to 13, then at 16 and that was it. For 14 we took she and 4 friends (2 boys!!) cosmic bowling and for some pizza - no cake, streamers, fuss or muss. It was so much fun! Some of the parents (we are friends with them) came too and it was a great time. I think letting them know what to expect up front does a lot to keep their expectations in check.

Happy B-day to SD!

She still has the party to go to on April 11th...but I'm not dreading like I was in the beginning.

I kept her home from school today....they were going on a field trip that she didn't want to go on so she and I finished watching Anne of Green Gables that we started a few weeks ago. We laid in bed and ate pizza.

She asked me the other day if her dad dies would she be an orphan. I had to say yes. I told her that her dad and I were talking about me adopting her so that she would stay with me for sure if something happened to her dad. She was very happy about that. She wants to stay with me....she is a sweet heart.....growing up so fast.

JNM, it really is. I felt sick to my stomach. And, the "three gifts" that were by the fireplace all contained multiple packages within the boxes. She ended up with clothes, toys, jewelery, an MP3 player (I don't even have one of those), 10 or so CD's, two musical instruments (kid sized, but not toys), DVD's and a trampoline. Jeez.

Also, just as a comparison, we took her and two friends to the movies and a sporting event. Total for the day for two adults three kids was around $200.00. The movies alone was $60. And it was exhausting.

Believer, sounds like you got past your feelings. Just so you know, your feelings are not entirely SM-only... I get the same ones as a BM. Your SD is lucky to have you, and you too, to have such a sweet girl.

Thank you Silver, for your kind words and everyone else.

My SD11 is a very sweet little girl, quirks and all. I know that I am really blessed to have her as my daughter. Have you ever been around a child that you thought was touched by God or just had a special light coming from them......well she is like that.

I guess I feel pretty lucky--my DD has a small class, only 14 students.

I would agree that inviting 40 kids is excessive. I'm assuming there are two classes for SD's grade? Could you do something where she only invites her particular class? Or what about just the girls?

My DD's school seems to be low-key. Last year, only a handful of kids had bday parties; a few invited the whole class, but two girls just invited the girls, and I think 2 boys had boys-only parties, as well.

We just had an issue with BM about this. SS's bday is coming up and she wanted him to have it at this very expensive indoor trampoline place----the party room (that you HAVE to rent) is $175. Then it is an additional $14.75 PER jumper and there is a 10 person minimum. So that's $322 already. This does not include cake or drinks or goodie bags or anything. There are 23 kids in SS's class and SS's mom felt he should be able to invite the entire class. DH just told her that it is ridiculous to spend $500-600 on a 7 year old's birthday party and that she (or we) would have to find something more reasonable.

Well, then they got in a big argument b/c she was saying they would split the cost this year (normally, DH pays) and DH said that wasn't the point----that even if they did cut the cost down the middle, it was just too extravagant of a party.

We normally spend $150-$200 for a party. DD's birthday is 6 weeks after SS's, so we have to be financially mindful of planning for two parties relatively close together, as well.

I do hope you and your husband agreed the same amount would be spent on your son.

Other than that, I think this resolved nicely. It shows a healthy family dynamic. Yes, there are disagreements, but everyone puts in their ideas and POV and it all gets sorted out.

I'm so sorry about your disability. It must be very hard to live with. :(