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Just found out Fiance has a child

Posted by doctorg (My Page) on
Sun, Mar 1, 09 at 18:30

I have been dating someone for 1.5 years. We just started talking about long term and maybe getting married. Two weeks later he gets a call out of the blue from someone he had a one night stand with - 2 years ago. Her husband was divorcing her and demanded a paternity test. The kid was not her husbands, so she called my guy and said it might be him and asked him to take a test.

the Child is his. and i'm just trying to figure out how to handle this. he has always wanted kids and i can't have them. it was a concern going forward that i didn't want him to give up something he wanted so badly by marrying me without seriously thinking about it.

now, he has this son he's never met and he is rightfully wanting to be a part of the child's life. He says i shouldn't be upset, because it has nothing to do with me and it isn't going to affect my life. I think he's either in denial or wasn't planning on us having a life together. you can't bring a child into the picture without both people being affected.

i want to set boundaries that are appropriate. if he and i are getting married i think we should make decisions together about the extent he interacts with the child, the kids mom etc.

i want to do the right thing, and support him in meeting his son and having a relationship with his son. he thinks i should just stay out of it, he should be able to call the mom when he wants, visit when he wants and talk to her daily etc.

so what is the right level of support for me to give him and when do i have a right to say i'm not comfortable with the involvment he's suddenly having with this other woman.

she lives a long ways away, so it isn't like he will see her often but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't insecure about him wanting to speak to her daily and "be involved" in his sons life and go to visit them - but that i'm not invited.

my girlfriends say to walk away. i don't know if i should stay or i should go.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

"He says i shouldn't be upset, because it has nothing to do with me and it isn't going to affect my life."

He's very wrong about that. That is, if he's going to have any involvement with this little boy - time or financial.

"i want to set boundaries that are appropriate. if he and i are getting married i think we should make decisions together about the extent he interacts with the child, the kids mom etc."

But he's right there. If the child is his, it needs to be HIS decision how much involvement he's going to have, and that's something he will need to work out with the child's mother. If he perceives that YOU are keeping him away from a child that he wants to be involved with, your marriage would be starting off on very shaky ground. The decision to limit his involvement (to whatever limit he and BioMom set) has to be HIS decision.

I can understand why you'd be concerned about her, considering her husband asked for a paternity test (why would he do that if he didn't have good reason?) and that she was married when she had her one-night fling with your fiance. I would also want to know why she'd even have his number or remember his name if it was just a one-night thing... (Or were they friends who only had sex the one time?) And if she's not a good mother, (and I admit, I'm reaching a bit -- she could be a good mom with loose sexual morals) your fiance may want to try for custody sometime down the road to 'save' his son. Or if she is a decent person, he may want to get involved with her so his child could have both of his parents together.

Either way -- it's a MESS for you. Not necessarily a reason to walk away without seeing which way the wind blows -- But you have good reason to be concerned.

My advice is to put any wedding plans firmly on hold and let him sort out this MAJOR new development in his life. Be supportive and LISTEN, but be very careful about giving any advice...


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

Wow.

First of all, like sweeby said, this IS going to affect your life. Your fiance is naive if he thinks he can keep these two major components of his life separate.

I am really concerned about THIS statement.

"he thinks i should just stay out of it, he should be able to call the mom when he wants, visit when he wants and talk to her daily etc"

Why is he focusing on his relationship with the MOTHER? That would sound off alarm bells for me immediately. I agree with sweeby that something about this just doesn't add up. If this was truly a "one night stand," I just don't buy that the woman would have his number on hand to call. They must have known each other before this one night stand, and I wonder if they haven't had contact since?

I would be concerned that he/she might try to rekindle a relationship, for their son's sake, if nothing else. Maybe I am being paranoid but the fact that he is already talking about how you have no say so in how often he talks to this WOMAN strikes a chord with me. OF COURSE you have every right to feel uncomfortable about that, who wouldn't?

I don't think it necessarily has to be a dealbreaker, but I would not make any wedding plans yet. This is a major life change he's going through and I think you need to take time and see where the dust settles.

"my girlfriends say to walk away"

Ultimately, YOU have to decide what is right for you and your life. Only YOU know how you feel. BUT I will say this---my dad has a "rule" that if 3/5 of your friends think you're making a mistake in a relationship, you should pay attention to that. I'm not saying that your friends are neccessarily right but sometimes people on the outside, especially those that LOVE and CARE about us, can see things with a clearer perspective. Just pay attention to that.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

doctorg,
Remind your fellow that...
Like a chemical mixture, if one of us is changed, both of us will be.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

doctorg,

I dated a man years before I married. He and I talked about marriage, were engaged. I knew that he had been divorced, but after the engagement, he let it slip, truly a slip, that he had been married Twice. And, had a daughter from that second marriage. And, was in a custody/visitation fight. All of this came out After we were engaged.

Big alarm bells for me because he had misrepresented himself so much. Other things came up after this stuff came out and we broke up. Be careful with this guy.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

This is the line that I caught onto....

"so what is the right level of support for me to give him and when do i have a right to say i'm not comfortable with the involvment he's suddenly having with this other woman."

Why do women feel the need to be 'supportive' when this guy... 1) had a fling with a married woman. 2) is more concerned about what his involvement is going to be with the child's mother (ie. he wants the freedom to call her everyday) without regard to his "fiance'" feelings. 3) he is telling his fiance that it's not her concern or her business and that it won't affect her, which is BS. And she is worried about how much SHE should support HIM???

If your girlfriends are saying walk away... I might go as far as to say RUN! That isn't something I advise lightly but everything in your post suggests that you might be better off alone than with someone that says they want to marry you but then treats you like your opinion or feelings don't matter. They DO! You will be affected and I seriously doubt that it's denial... it's more like wishful thinking or lack of empathy. I would not want to be with (let alone marry) someone that couldn't see how this is going to impact me. That's a HUGE red flag.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

as mentioned MANY times-this guy is full of sh** if he's trying to convince you this'll not affect your life. HEL-LO!!! are you just supposed to disappear when he sees his child?? or go stay at a hotel if he should get visitation?? BS. big time.

also, did he know this gal was married when he had this one-night stand with her?? if so, then he'll likely have no regard for the sanctity of YOUR marriage if he can't respect that of another person's.

i, also, was in a similar situation...i got together with my ex and he sorta forgot to mention that his ex-wife was pregnant, and that he'd been married before her, and that he had a daughter with his first wife, and that he had a kid with another lady before that...the lies went ON AND ON!! don't let the guy that talks a good game foul up your future. bail NOW!!

hate to be the bearer of bad news...good luck!!


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

Consider yourself lucky to have found out before you got married. It will not be easy, because you obviously love him, but I'd get out now.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

1. It will change your relationship.
2. He's already telling you to butt out and that its not your business. WRONG. IT is your business because you will interact with this child especially since he wants kids and you cannot give him.
ITs still early, leave him , I know it will hurt but you can find someone else to love. Trust me on this. Trust your friends.
Your fiance has been delt another hand and is now full on into it. Maybe he may get back together with this girl and try to have a relationship. I think for the childs sake, and for the fact he's telling you not to butt in are clear signs that you are not #1 on his plate and he's changed his route. Its time to change yours and bow out gracefully.
There is not setting boundaries on a human being who wants a child, has a child and its his first SON. He will take precedent now over you. I'm truly sorry but from how you have described your fiance's words....it shows clearly where he stands. and that he doesnt include you. If he said he wants your involved and for both of you to get involved then i would say go for it and try to be friends with mom....but...that is not the case.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

"it has nothing to do with me and it isn't going to affect my life"

snicker.

A couple of hundred years ago, I met a guy who really liked me, who pursued me...

I liked him okay, but not enough to get "involved" (romantically, emotionally, sexually).

Thank goodness.

I was very young at the time, which is why I didn't read the signs at first.

One night, as I lay sleeping peacefully, my eyes suddenly popped open & I heard a voice in my head say, "He's married".

1. All I had was a pager number.
2. He only saw me when he was "in town on business".
3. can't remember the other stuff, but it all fit together.

Next time he called, I said, "You're married, aren't you?"

pause

"Why does that matter?" (!)

"What???"

"Do we have to talk about this? *It has nothing to do with us*."

Adios, slimey guy.

You might think about a similar farewell.

Also, add my "amen" to the posts by ima, lamom, annabel, weed, & organic maria, & probably someone whose name I forgot to add.

I can see *no* positives for you in this "relationship".

I wish you the best.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

"it isn't going to affect my life"

My @ss it won't!

So, let's say you two get married and he has a relationship with his son. Let's say that son comes over every other weekend... How would that POSSIBLY not affect you? You'd have third person living in your house a week out of every month! Even if he does ALL of the work and ALL of the parenting, it affects you.
He is being totally unrealistic.

So, I think YOU need to decide if you are willing to be involved with a parent.
I like being a SM, but I have to say that it is NOT for everyone. You need to be REALLY REALLY honest with yourself about what YOU want out of life. Forget about what HE wants, forget about what your friends say, forget about what I say, and ONLY THINK ABOUT YOU.
Then decide.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

no you are not going to decide TOGETHER on the extend of time he interacts with his son. But you have something to say on how much time he talks to her and sees her. He needs to consider your feelings.

On the other hand i do not believe in one night stand story either. No one keeps phone number of one night stand people (what kind of people have night stands anyways (wiht married women especially)? Why would you even think of marrying a guy who does that?)

Also I suspect he is involved wiht her way more than just one time. They possibly were somewhat involved all this time. You should run fast.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

I agree with finedreams. The one night stand is an old lie used by many men. My ex told me the same thing when I found out he had gotten another woman pregnant. Truth turned out to be that he was involved with her for some time. My male friends told me the one night stand was probably a bunch of crock but I didn't listen and had to find out the hard way. RUN!!!


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

My overall instinct is similar to that of most of the other posters: this relationship has so many red flags, I'd at least put off the engagement, even if you don't break up entirely. This is a very major development, and he hasn't even really realized how major yet. I would back way, way off from any marriage plans for a while while everyone adjusts to this new reality.

I just want to add that if you do marry him, you, too, need to realize how huge this is -- even more than you already do. You wrote, "i want to set boundaries that are appropriate. if he and i are getting married i think we should make decisions together about the extent he interacts with the child, the kids mom etc."

"the extent he interacts with the child"??

That is his SON. No matter whether he was conceived accidentally in a one-night stand or was the intended product of a loving marriage, he is all the same a growing child, a real person, not a vacation home or a dog he and this other woman shared and now have to work out some sort of deal about. Whether or not they ever live together, that boy is entitled to his father's commitment -- 100%, not some negotiated lesser amount of "involvement." If he needs something, including to come and live with his father, his dad has the responsibility to consider that son's needs, not just what is convenient or pleasant for the two of you. Parents have to put their children's needs first.

And if you do marry him, don't you WANT him to be a good father? Would you really want him to be the kind of person who treats his own son as an inconvenience? As his wife, it will be your duty to help him to be a good father, not to make it harder for him. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to marry someone with children; I can see how terribly difficult it is, even when it works out just fine. But if you are going to do it, then do it with your whole heart and marry the father he is, not the childless man you wish (and had thought) he was.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I really do sympathize with your situation -- it's a real mess, and I know there are no easy answers. Your whole reality, present and future, changed overnight. It's not fair, and you didn't do anything wrong. It must feel like someone pulled a rug out from under you. I am just concerned that the real meaning of this little boy's existence hasn't sunken in yet.


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

I 2nd gelchom totally - especially this part . . .

""the extent he interacts with the child"??

That is his SON. No matter whether he was conceived accidentally in a one-night stand or was the intended product of a loving marriage, he is all the same a growing child, a real person, not a vacation home or a dog he and this other woman shared and now have to work out some sort of deal about. Whether or not they ever live together, that boy is entitled to his father's commitment -- 100%, not some negotiated lesser amount of "involvement." If he needs something, including to come and live with his father, his dad has the responsibility to consider that son's needs, not just what is convenient or pleasant for the two of you. Parents have to put their children's needs first."


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RE: Just found out Fiance has a child

Maya Angelou said "When people tell you how they are, believe them!"

People always tell on themselves. It ALWAYS happens without fail. These are the times when he is not trying to wear his nice face and slips without being conscious of his words. Everyone considers themselves as "the nicest person in the world." Literally everyone does. No one is going to come out and say "I am not nice" or "I am an inconsiderate jerk." Take note though (especially with imamommy's post). He has told you plain and simple that he's an inconsiderate jerk. You are not going to receive it in words any plainer, but he has said it nevertheless.

Listen to him.

Or prepare for a life of tears and self-loathing from constantly being reduced to nothing exactly as he has already done. It only gets more hurtful and confusing. Hurt and confused is what brought you here.


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