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Birthday siblings

15 years ago

My middle son is turning 10 next week. He is planning on having maybe 6 kids from school come spend the night. My oldest son (15) says that he is going to his GF's and avoid as much as possible of the whole birthday thing. SS (13) says he isn't coming cause he don't want to deal with it either. SD will likely not come either if SS (12) doesn't come. Am I crazy thinking that the older kids should be at little brothers birthday regardless of if they don't think it is their cup of tea???

It is his birthday for crying out loud. I feel like somethings you suck it up for the people who matter to you. DH thinks it isn't any big deal and I shouldn't expect them to be at the party/sleep over.

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Comments (6)

mom2emall
15 years ago
I remember being a teenager and my stepmom asking me to be home to help with my sisters b-day party. I was planning on going out with friends. Did not occur to me at the time that I needed to be at a 5 year olds friend party.

Maybe you should just tell the kids that your son "wants" them there to celebrate his birthday and you could also use the help.
imamommy
15 years ago
I don't blame the older kids for wanting away from a group of tweens. Some teens don't mind but some just don't want to be bothered by younger kids following them, copying them and it's unreasonable to expect the older kids to come to a 'kid' party if they have no interest in it. I do think the older kids need to celebrate with their brother, but maybe at a smaller family celebration, not with the group of friends.
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It does become a joke when Daddy continues to marry, divorce and remarry numerous times. There are situations that are not like that, however. And in those situations, If SK's want to send a card, make a call or buy a gift or do something to somehow acknowledge SM's birthday, that is a great thing. It is thoughtful and it helps to foster a good relationship. I do think most SM's would be providing a gift and a card for SK on their birthday, in conjunction with Dad, whether or not SM got a gift for her birthday. I think SM's do this happily if SK bothers to call or send a card for her own BD. If they ignore it, SM gets the message. My youngest SD always gets me a card and calls on my birthday and that makes me very happy. The fact that she remembers me on my birthday is enough. And we do give her a nice birthday gift each year. I'm happy to do it for her. My oldest SD never calls, never sends a card or in any way acknowledges my birthday, though she knows when it is. But every year she has a party for her birthday and for her husband's birthday and we go every year and we bring a nice gift and a card. She completely ignored my birthday again this year, and that's fine. I didn't expect anything different. She also ignored the fact her Dad had surgery just after my birthday and he was pretty hurt over that. Two weeks later she called her Dad to invite him to her birthday party. He told me he wasn't going to go and he was going to send a card. I don't know if he signed my name to it or not. I didn't ask and he didn't say. But was I going to pick out a gift and a card for her? No.
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I have 3 younger sisters. One is only a year younger than I, the next is roughly 7 years younger and the youngest is 10 years younger. I am not that close with them. The younger ones are closer and they have more ways of bonding. They are more inclined to visit with each other, talk on the phone, go to movies, etc. None of these things are up my alley. I will go to dinner once in a while with them and hold my tongue most of the time. I was more of a mother hen when we were growing up and obviously, that is not my role to them now. Also, when I moved out at 18, I got married and kids followed now too long after that so I have been in a different place for a while. I also figure that one has only so much of themselves to give, and since I have 2 children with special needs (one medical, one developmental), I simply do not have the energy to devote to try and establish those bonds with my siblings now. There is one sibling that I have also been closer to but that relationship is evolving, too. The sister closest to me in age often had "issues" with a lot of acting out, drama, etc and I really had no more capacity to deal with it. Those issues have improved but that was the foundation for our relationship, and it was not a good foundation. Families develop in a multitude of ways that are dependent on all of the personalities involved. If my sisters need help, I will do what I can for them. Will I seek them out when I find myself in a crisis, no. Sometimes I think the lack of closeness is a sad thing but for the most part I am at peace with it.
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kkny
15 years ago
I agree with ima, a small family celebration seperate from the kids. My mom never made any of her kids do anything togethor as friends (as opposed to family things -- theres a difference), and now we are all the best of friends. I think forcing things on kids, just like forcing on anyone, can breed resentment.
ceph
15 years ago
What about asking the other kids to be there for cake and presents, and then they can head off to do whatever else they so please?
justnotmartha
15 years ago
I was thinking the same as Ceph - stick around for the cake and gifts and then split. . . . if there isn't a separate family party planned. If there is, I would say the kids could miss the slumber party. Chances are your son wants to hang with his friends not his sibs any way.
mom23step23
15 years ago
My older kids always cleared out when something like this happened. Shouldn't be a big deal. I think the 10 year old would rather spend the time with friends anyway, most do.

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