ladynimue -- I, too, am an older parent! (I had my eldest at 34 so I'm now 38.) I don't know where you are (and I'm not prying -- please don't read it that way) but 'round here, "older" is normal. The other mothers with whom I spend the most time all started in their mid-late thirties / early forties. One of my friends is going through perimenopause and she lets us have a good laugh about having within the past few years finished nursing and now hot flashes! Another just turned 45 and is pregnant. I do not think you'll be odd woman out here, ladynimue. Based on my experiences both in living here plus when we were househunting and the parents we met then, you should fit right in! I also wanted to tell you how phenomenal we are finding the medical community(-ies) to be here. Our "home" hospital in CA was Stanford -- a v. (internationally) well-regarded hospital. Well, they certainly failed my younger (now 20 months) son. He was ill from birth on, and his pediatric team kept brushing us off, blaming my concerns on my PPD. ("You worry too much." "You need to calm down.") We moved out here (to CO) and within a fortnight had his well-baby visit. I started my spiel about his issues when the ped. immediately stopped me, saying "something's clearly not right here." Finally!!! After we got to the root of it, I became crazy-angry, both with the Stanford pediatricians but mostly with myself. (Mother's guilt -- I should've somehow divined what was wrong with him or somehow persevered with others, which I realize now. But at the time, with a two year-old, PPD, an ill newborn and selling our house I felt lucky to feed my older and nurse my younger without crying hysterically.) My younger son is part of the Child Find program (it's federally mandated, locally funded); it helps children with issues (whatever they are) get better. He has physical, occupational and speech therapists who all come to our house every single week. I'd say within two months of that well-baby visit he was enrolled in the Child Find program and progress was underway! (He's now doing great -- not yet caught up, but moving apace and, more importantly, he's healthy!!!) I mention this because good friends of ours back in SF whose son is on the autistic spectrum are on a two year waitlist to see a speech therapist (through the same program, different name there). If we'd had to wait two years goodness only knows where we'd be! (Clearly we'd just do it privately but you get my point.) Also, about three weeks after we moved out here I came down with Shingles (although we didn't know what it was at first), centered in my inner ear. It paralyzed my face and that's what got me to the MD tout de suite. I didn't know an MD, just called the local hospital, explained my symptoms and they responded with "how quickly can you get here?" Within thirty minutes I was seen and within ninety minutes I was having a CAT scan (to rule out stroke or tumor, although they did discover I have Grave's Disease, another thing about which I'd been complaining to my Stanford MDs only to be told "yeah, everybody's tired all the time -- it's called 'motherhood.'"). Later that day they determined it must be Shingles (although I didn't yet have any blisters). Because of it paralyzing my face my eyes were in trouble (Shingles can cause severe and permanent damage to the eyes): the MD's office called the MD's personal opthamologist (I mean the one she goes to see) and had them see me that day as well. I'll tell you, I have never felt so cosseted! (and my MDs office also made an appointment for me with my MDÂs endocrinologist  again, I didnÂt have to worry about "who should I see?") Whenever I recount this story to any locals (meaning folks who live here in CO), to a one they say "I know, I get superlative care here, far exceeding whatever I received where I lived before." My son's progress and the immediate and thorough care I received are merely two examples. I just wanted to tell you another thing we love about CO. If solely for my son's sake I am forever grateful we moved out here. But the truth is, we love all of it! -Brooke

Don't cut off all contact with your children, always remember them at their birthdays with a phone call and a card with $5-$10 dollars in it. Just concentrate on getting your own head together. It is now time for you, so even if you have to deal with the kids, you can do it in a calm rational manner. Like stated above, try going to a house of worship, take craft classes, yoga classes or something through your park district to occupy your time. You don't say if you have a job, if you don't, get one, at least a part time job, to get out of the house. That way you will have a little spending money to buy some new clothes. Don't let anyone talk you out of it either. Good luck! You can do it.

Hi, We are having a similar situation with our 18 1/2 year old Son, except for the pot smoking. He got tired of school back in 2006, and it was fight to get him to go to his classes. He quit and we made him get his GED right away and told him that if he wasn't going to go to college then he would have to get a job. We didn't want him bumming around. Well, he has worked all of 4 months in the last 2 yrs. He is out all night, sleeps all day, and plays around like he's still a carefree kid. He is a very talented musician in a band (not making money yet) and he has alot of potential but NO motivation to get things on his own (work for them). His friends buy him cigarettes & food. His girlfriend drives him everywhere. He doesn't have a car, no license, and he refuses to walk or ride a bike to find work. Says all of his friends parents buy their kids cars, pays for their college, etc. We have dangled numerous carrots in front of him to try to motivate him (what we can afford-since we are poor), including finding him a job where I worked so he could drive with me. It lasted 2 weeks before he didn't like it anymore. We have tried the opposite too, by taking cancelling his cell phone and getting a land line for everyone instead (cheaper), but he always seems to adapt. He see's us work & he see's us share one old car and my Husband rides a bike & bus to work (for the last 3 years). He watches us struggle and he continues to act like he's entitled & selfish. We wouldn't mind him staying if he would grow up, contribute, and not be a mooch. I have been a bit more understanding (because of him being a musician & trying to support him on a creative level) but my Husband has been fed up for over a year. We both are now on the same page & decided to take a stand on it. This is the contract we came up with. We have all signed it. Mabye this will help someone else out. What do you think? I ____________ agree to do the following: 1) Find & Get a paid job (looking doesn't count-must be working by deadline). 2) Be respectful & courteous to others living under this roof. 3) Clean up completely after self & friends. 4) Keep back porch clear of cigarette butts, cups, food, soda cans, etc. 5) Keep own room & house clear of soda cans, cups, food, etc. 6) Follow rules of house. 7) Help without arguing or ignoring when asked to do things around the house, such as cleaning cat box, taking out trash, bringing up trash cans, etc. from time to time. 8) When paychecks start coming, give $25.00 a week to Mom & Dad to put in account to be held until we move or you move out. If you abide by the rules above all the money will be given back to you at that time above. If you do not abide by the rules at certain times then everytime a rule is broken and we have to clean up after you or listen to rudeness or disrespect then portions of the money will be deducted at our discretion. (example 1: you take Moms soda because you drank all of yours-you will be charged and the money will come out of the money saved) (example 2: you decide to make a mess & not clean up after yourself in your room, porch, livingroom, computer area, kitchen, etc. - I will charge a clean-up fee to be taken from the money saved) The amount you save will be up to you and your attitude. __________________________________ If the 8 requirements are met you will be on your way to gaining independence, earning respect, becoming mature, & saving money. __________________________________ On the other hand, if these 8 requirements are not met and kept up with by Saturday Oct 4th, 2008, you must pack your things up and move out. If there is an argument at that time we will move things out to the front yard & change locks if need be. Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Son Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Mom Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Dad

This is the classic damage that happens to children from divorce. This is why its so important for parents to EXPLAIN TO KIDS why things are happening. kids tend to blame themselves for everything around them because at their age they cannot grasp reality and societies ways of life. Thank God my husband always explains to his kids. WHy he left their mother, why he cannot go back with her. He always explains. There is alot of facts missing from your explaination. There are many reasons a father could have left. One usual reason is the deep seeded hate for the ex wife. And the exwife causing him grief. She may have put a restraining order on him. He couldnt' stand seeing her while picking up and dropping of his daughter. Second. the amount of child support was so heavy he needed to get a better job to support his daughter. If that was so, they yes, he would leave the support for teh benefit of his daughter. Third, he may have been depressed. I know my husband was depressed because he felt at the time of the divorce, being a failure as a husband and a father. He felt he couldnt' fix the situation and left for the benefit of his kids. But he didn't leave the province or state. But he still left and his kids did blame themselves for a while. What this man did wrong was that he did not explain to his daughter that he is leaving not because of her. He needs to leave for _______explaination. It should have been given to your friend. That way she would not have this complex of selfblame, less worth and so. ITs so IMPORTANT. Unfortunately, the damage is done. But i honestly think, she should meet with her dad and confront him with her feelings. Tell him off the bat that she doesnt want to lose the relationship she has with him BUT she has long lingering questions and feelings of the past. She is an adult and has the right for answers. He will speak with her because she is not a child anymore. i have to be honest. What i've noticed is that men just dont seem to see the same things woman do. My father also moved on and doesnt' speak anymore to us since he remarried. He speaks with me on the phone and now is trying to have a relationship. I've been invited this weekend to his house. I know whatever didn't happen in the past is long gone. He was never much of a father to me. I had alot of resentment and hate for him. Felt neglected, not good enough. But overcame it by delving into my environment and friends and talking my feelings out. But what helped me the most was my confrontation with him. It was heated and loud and alot of emotions poured out. But that helped me. Screaming at him and telling him he wasnt' there for me while i grew up helped me. I felt a closure of somesort. And from that point i moved on with my life. i finally married and have a child ofmy own. Your friend needs to speak with her dad. She must on this, or she will never get over her feelings. Regardless of how much counseling is done.