Hi Folks! Everyone here has been very helpful, and I wanted to update you all on our present situation. My SD was getting so extremely angry at both me and her mother, that we did set up counseling for SD (14 1/2 yrs old) and, seperately for just my wife and me. The counselor for SD is a female who specializes in working with teen girls, and is uniquely set up to work with SD after some initial input from her mother to get things started. So far, SD has not opened up much to the counselor, and feels that she does not have any problems. SD's counselor says that it takes a while for teens to open up and they are making very slow progress. Frankly, I do not see any benefit yet, however it is probably to early anyway. My wife and I have also started working with a seperate therapist to help us as a couple (and parents) learn, grow, and make changes to help strengthen our marriage. After a number of meetings the therapist (who is very good in my opinion), has confirmed that I must, as the Step-parent, move out of the authoritarian role, and operate at most as a partner and support person to SD's mother. Problem is ( and has always been), SD's mother just does not want to be the authority person, she can't tolerate this role, and as a result I was constantly being pushed by BioMom into the lead authority role. Therefore, a lot of the therapy work right now is with BioMom to help her get stronger to take the lead parenting authority role, with my support of course. Funny thing is, I had been asking for this change for years, and sometimes it takes an outside person to make the observations stick. Our current problem, and one I would really appreciate some thoughts from you folks on, is the that SD is focusing most all of her anger and resentment onto me. I have always been loving, diplomatic, and kind to her (while doing everything a full time father does for a daughter). However, I was usually the one who would pay attention to what she was doing and sometimes catching her breaking major rules. Then I would be pushed by BioMom into taking the lead role in dicipline. This did not happen often, as she is a pretty good kid, up until this last 1 1/2 years. Recall that absentee BioFather is way down in Florida and her "kid-buddy" right now, offering her just fun, gifts, and good times (as well as trying to get her to move in with him and girlfriend). Question/concern is; how do I handle the anger and resentment that is coming my way so often. SD is telling her BioFather she "hates" "can't stand" me etc. and is keeping this same line with her friends as best we can tell. SD says that "I am ruining her life." Nothing could be farther from the truth, however SD is now taken to this attitude. I am sure that BioFather is encouraging this. How do you all suggest that I might turn this situation around? Is this mainly due to the "target" that all step-parents are at this age, and the fact that I was the occasional authoritarian? When do you think she might get past this stage? For my part, I am no longer in the authoritarian role, BioMom is and has told SD this. I am just continuing to be there for SD, concentrating on the positives between us, and leaving her alone when she won't speak to me. Anything more I might do?? I knew that my wife and I had our roles reversed, and now we are fixing that, however to an extent the damage has been done with SD's perception of me. I would like to hope that SD and I can regain the wonderful relationship we had from SD's age of 5 through 12, when it then all suddenly changed so much. Any encouragement, experience, or insight would be sincerely appreciated. Thank you all very much!

Not your facebook page, don't let it pull you in. In the thick of things, really why does it matter. Dh and this woman tried it and it did not work out. They moved on. The only one getting any mileage out of the 'attention' this stunt is causing is SD. Remember, take the 'power' away from her. No awards if nobody pays her any mind. Who cares what some stranger your husband dated before you thinks of you? Who cares if the woman and her daughters think your poor miserable husband is stuck in a terrible marriage to a witched witch? Meh, they're nobody to you. The ladies just happen to have been caught up into the games SD is playing. They reconnected with your SS and husband to merely reach out and say 'hey'. I will assume husband has taken care of the issue and assured the concerned ladies that he is fine and no, his new wife does not fly around on a broom, but thanks for asking. Who cares if SS befriends the daughters over facebook. Different state, different lifes, and I'll bet the excitement of reconnecting wears off soon. If you/Dh give SD no satisfaction over this latest attempt to stir up trouble, it will shortly go away. Perhaps the next time you post pics, post them on your own page and tag SS. Maybe I misunderstood, but you really should not be going on SS's own facebook page and posting things (unless of course he asked you to or seems weird). If he wants pics on his page, he's a big boy and can figure out how to post them himself. If you make too much noise over SD's latest crap, they all will just make their facebook pages more private and then you'll worry just as much as to what 'they' are all doing/saying in private. Either way, SD got what she wanted out of this little move, she upset you and caused additonal drama for you/Dh without ever having to actually see or talk to you. Ignore the SD. If husband thanked the ladies for their concern and then sent them off feeling reassured that he is fine and happy, it should pretty much be the end of it.

I am inclined to agree with Cat's suggestion that OP send out some kind of "damage control" email to those that received the emails, at least in terms of a way to both apologize for and perhaps even hint at (without naming) possible sources of the messages. Maybe even don't say much besides "You might have recently received a rather alarming and salacious email. We think our email might have been hacked into but we're not sure and so we're looking into this possibility now. Meanwhile, apologies for the Sleaze Factor you may have recently had to endure." If it's worded properly, respectfully, vaguely and humbly, it at least would serve to distance OP from the immature theatrics without pointing fingers or even making staunch denials which could later prove to be humiliatingly false. The danger in not phrasing this well, though, is that people might think she is sadly in denial, or on her own drama kick. Since these people have already received the email form "the mistress", it may or may not be overkill (and increasingly awkward) to resurrect it in this way. A lot depends on how truly close some of these people are. With the boss, that's potentially even trickier. It might be smart to warn him/her in advance so that s/he wouldn't be blindsided by the sleaze... But then again if it DOESN'T end up getting sent to the boss, then the boss might think it's paranoid schoolgirl drama. In that case I'd weigh how likely the boss is to get the email, and for what purpose and with what risk. I know that workplaces can sometimes be absolutely brutal on women when there is the whiff of an affair, no matter whether it is her or the man committing it. But it's a lot less likely to damage her career if she is not "The Cheater". All I know is if I was the boss, I'd be skeptical of the "mistress" and wonder what the mistress's motive was in sending soemthing like that to me, a stranger. And I'd be totally unlikely to blame OP. But that's just me. Other bosses don't want to deal with any whiff of "drama" whatsoever and would sooner get rid of a person than even have to be bothered to think about how to respond to something like that. Depends on the workplace and the nature of the relationship with the boss.

That's the funny thing, Fine - BM is all about the dances and parties and things like that. SD even pointed it out to her - "We've been talking about this since I was, like, two!" SD found out mom didn't even leave for the beach until Saturday after work, so she could have waited another hour or two, tops, and come over to see her daughter. That spoke volumns to SD. Here is the best 'lame mom action' yet - her mom actually 'unfriended' her on facebook Saturday, and then tried to lie about it Sunday. Once caught, she told SD she "didn't want to be hurt by her posts and have SD hurt by hers." HUH? I see all her posts - they have nothing to do with her mom. I think BM just doesn't like her see her happy and having fun when she isn't seeing BM anymore. Plus, then SD couldn't see where BM was and when. Of course, this unfriending meant she couldn't see SD's homecomings pics, which hurt SD as well. BM 're-friended' her yesterday, and started an instant message while SD and I were sitting at the computer. BM was mad because SD put a caption under a pic of she, DH and myself that said "their little girl is growing up." The THEIR didn't sit well with mom. Funny thing is, we started looking at some pics her mom had posted days earlier, and one refered to her boyfriend's daughter as "OUR cutie pie!" Hypocrisy at it's finest. So last night, as SD and I were having our bedtime chat, I asked how she was honestly feeling about not seeing her mom, letting her know I expected her to be missing mom. She replied very simply that she just didn't. She expected to as well, but just felt nothing. She does miss her little sis, but that's it. That did make me feel bad . . . but relieved. I'm horrible for saying it, but I will; I'm happy she's had enough of her mom. I worked for so many years to protect their relationship, and I'm just done. The only thing I want now is for BM to realize SHE caused this, it's not a case of SD being a 'sassy b!tch" we raised wrong,as she says. I know that won't happen, but a girl can dream. I think, within the next month, either SD will cave and go for a visit or BM will start trying to force it, but I'm okay with either. We'll just cross that bridge when we get to it. Thanks all for your kind words! Yab - it makes me sick to hear about SD11's eating habits. That is just SO WRONG!