Divorcing husband and stepkids at last

13 years ago

Hi. I havent posted here is some time.I have two stepkids, one 32 with two kids, 10 1/2 and 6 and one who is 36. I also have a bio son, 8 1/2 who survived cancer. I began posting here two years ago because of my stepkids lack of caring regarding my son during his serious illness. As things went on I described how awful a family my husbands children and relatives are in my opinion.

My husband and I are now divorcing. Not specifically because of his adult kids, there have been other huge problems. BUt, his lack of desire in making life easier for me and my son with his adult kids has been an ongoing problem and to me reflects his affection or lack thereof towards me and our little boy.

For my son's sake, I hope that his adult half sibs will not fire him as family. I believe his half brother, the one with the young boys, my son's nephews already have. The adult daughter we'll see. She told me last fall around the holidays that she would NOT like to meet or be around my relatives because it would make her too uncomfortable and it would make her feel disloyal to her mother. Their rejection of me, my son, my family and all things me has been such a bitter pill. They are the crappiest excuses for family members around.

I will and do not miss being related to them. The divorce isn't final so officially we are related but my detachement, especially to the son has been rapid. I do hope that they won't fire my DS8 as well since he loves them but who knows. They probably see this as their opportunity to get their Dad's attention back where they think it belongs, on them.

For all you stepkids reading this, understand how painful this is, how painful you can make life be for everyone involved. How the holding on to the past, the resentment for things the new spouse and half siblings had nothing to do with is misplaced, destructive and immature. Unless the new spouse had something to do with the break up of your old family cut everyone some slack and pray for the heart to be loving. It is only in Grimm's Fairy Tales where the Wicked Stepmother is out to get the original kids. Not real life. In real life it's usually the Evil Stepkids out to get the Stepmom

Comments (21)

silversword
13 years ago
Oh Lamom.... I remember you and your story and I think of you on occasion. I'm so sorry to hear that this is the outcome but understand your need to protect yourself and your son.

(((((lamom)))))
justmetoo
13 years ago
Good luck to you and your little one, LAmom. I wondered how things were going for you...it's been a long time since you posted. May you find some peace in your life. Thoughts and prayers your way for you and the little guy.
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You certainly have a full plate going on here. And no, you're not a bad person for feeling what would be normal and expected frustration. I think you're due a break yourself...the day in and day out has got to be taking a toll on your own mental and physical self. Can you do that? Can you arrange for some occasional help and an evening out for yourself? Maybe a housecleaner a day or two a week? Somebody who can maybe premake meals for the freezer on Sunday afternoons so you can just pull them out during the week? You've taken on a lot all by yourself and have both children and teens that are making things even harder than necessary. I'd say get these older kids up and into helping, but with some of their health conditions I don't know what they can and can't do...or what might set off one of their problems. I'd hate to say something like 'get that oldest kid going into action' and then have him go full blow asthma attack on you. Only you, your wife and their drs know to what extent you could push this area. Their mouthiness and bad attitude are not physical though and you really do deserve more respect than what you are being shown. Maybe a sit down family discussion with your wife fully backing you up and supporting your stand. No cooperation no treats. You don't owe them nights at the movies or other fun activities if they can't at least appreciate it and realize that such events/items are not going to be forth coming if the attitudes don't change. Reality check the little darlings. The teens especially are old enough to know that if you walked out that door along with your paycheck , housecleaning, and cooking they'd all be 'up a creek without a paddle'. They can either behave themselves and start showing some respect, stop the fighting and constant crap or you stop cooking, cleaning and handing out money. Your their step father and the only father currently willing to step up, you've taken this on as a volunteer, you're working your butt off to make a home for them all and you did it out of love...they can start appreciating it and acting a part of the family or they can figure out how they are all going to fend for themselves. If you don't begin to find some sense of relaxation and a few moments of happiness now and then you're going to destroy your own health...caretakers usually take a bigger toll on themselves than on those they are trying to care for. It's not an easy thing to do and your body will begin to pay the price.
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If you are going to school full time, AND working part time...do the hours add up to less than working full time? Just wondering... I do understand that you want/need to finish your degree since you are very close to finishing. I also understand that you now have a home for your children, that you may or may not be able to provide without his help. I also understand how valuable it is to have someone to share your life with, and help you raise your children, instead of trying to raise them alone. Especially since he is a good man, who treats your children well. And "I get" that his children have a choice in their behavior, and they are making your family life miserable. However...as a parent, do you understand that if he turns his back on his children, he has failed in his role as a father and a parent? That these next 6 years are the most crutial years in the development of his kids, and will determine who they will be as adults? That as he chooses you and your children over his children (both he and his children will understand that he chose you over them) that will in and of itself create "issues" for both he and his children. Raising teenagers is enormously difficult for ALOT of people, even those with intact families. His children are acting out, of the anger and pain of what has happened in their life... I understand that you feel that they should not "win" and ruin what you and your fiancee' are trying to build...that their bad behavior should not be rewarded by getting them what they want...which is you and your children to leave. However, as a father and a man of integrity and honor...he must fight to hang in there and finish raising his children...whether he feels like it or not. Perhaps they do need to live with their mother...I don't know. But he should not give up on them because it is hard. And he is right in demanding that they treat others with respect, and that includes you and your children...but it also includes their teachers and others, or life will be hard for them...because in life, we must treat people we work with, and for, with respect, whether we like them or not. This is tough because their mother is teaching them one thing...but he needs to teach them what he sees as important...and do his best. The rest will one day be up to them. I wish you the best as you try and do what is right for you, your children, and your fiancee' (and his children). He is in such a tough spot because he loves you, and does not want to lose you...and yet his own children need him...but their behavior is destroying everything he wants, and the life you two are trying to build. But as the kind and good man you know him to be...which makes him a man of honor trying to do what is right...by both you and as a parent. What a hard, hard spot to be in. He will need to be strong, wise and walk through this. I wish you both better times ahead.
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The first thing I notice in your post is that there might be some unrealistic expectations. The behavior of your older stepkids is somewhat typical for their ages.. I have three kids that are 22, 20 & 19 and if I don't remind my son constantly, he won't clean up after himself. My 19yo is a girl and I don't have that problem with her. My 22yo is also married & out of the home.. but he also left at 18 because I was with my DH and planning to get married. Since he has gotten married and had a child, he doesn't focus too much on my marriage. I told him when he said he didn't want me to get married that someday he will meet someone and whether I like her or not, I will respect his choice because I love him.. and I expect him to at least respect my choice. He doesn't have to like my husband but he needs to be respectful and that is something I laid down to him when he was 18. He's now almost 23 and has matured & has been respectful the last couple of years. 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He will start name calling. It has more to do with different personalities, but my point is that your DH needs to be the one to set limit, boundaries, and enforce them with his own kids. I won't tolerate my kids treating DH with disrespect... just as I wouldn't tolerate them being mean to the other kids in school or if they didn't like a teacher, they were not allowed to be disrespectful. "treat others the way you would like to be treated" If they have nothing nice to say, they don't need to say anything, but they have to be respectful and that includes rolling eyes, making faces, or ignoring. I have had that problem with my SD because my DH has not had that expectation from his DD and I have a hard time when she treats me that way... because I won't allow my kids to do that to anyone. In regard to your small kids... teenagers don't typically get excited to have new siblings. They don't want to think of their parents as having sex.. and a baby is in their face proof that dad had sex. Yes, they probably know it happens... they just don't want to be reminded or think about it. Again, dad should be the one to expect them to treat their siblings with respect, which includes gift giving. I wouldn't expect a grown kid to come to a kids party but they should acknowledge their sibling. You can't make people do what you like and all you can tell your children when they get older and ask (and it may be a non issue if the older kids get better about it as they get older) is that you don't know why... because unless your stepkids tell you why they don't buy gifts, you really do not know why. My SD's mom does crappy things like she sends her mom to pick up SD instead of getting her herself or she cuts visits short and while I have my own opinion on why she does it, I don't know for sure and if SD asks.. the only true answer is "I don't know". Then, it was pretty insensitive to say "are you not happy that your dad is finally happy. Because we were very happy and so much in love." because that implies that dad was not happy with their mother or as a single parent with them before you came along... that YOU are responsible for any happiness he has. I would not like being told that. Personally, I was very happy when I was a single parent, just me and my kids. I love my husband and we are very happy together now... as far as relationships go, I never knew I could be so happy with someone. But, I would not want that tossed into my kids' face and him taking credit for all my happiness. I would find a way to be happy whether he is in my life or not. I'm sure he was very happy with his ex wife or when his children were born and he was raising them. If he wasn't.. his kids are the last people you want to tell. Besides, they lived it and they will already know whether they have seen him happy or not. It might help your situation to find a way to apologize to his kids for saying that. 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First, "nice guys finish last" is a very true statement because some people will mistake your kindness for weakness which is what happened here. So going forward, you need to definitely speak your mind. I'm 15 years into my second marriage and have a very similar situation. I kept my mouth shut too, for a long time and that was a mistake. I do have my own children which I think helps somewhat as I can understand how my husband feels about his own children. There is one thing I would suggest, and after 20 years, perhaps you've already done this more than once but I'll say this anyway. At least 4 times now, despite how they were treating me at the time, I erased the past, reached out in a big way and tried my best to make the relationship better. I got very little in return, but I felt that as the older adult, and mainly for my husband's sake, I should make the effort. Also, doing so gave me the ability to say "I tried". I wanted to know in my heart that I made every effort. I wish the outcome had been better, for everyone's sake. So what I'm saying is that your husband is never going to be truly happy without a relationship with his children. If their actions and behavior don't warrant one, that's on them. But I would just give this one last shot. I don't know what's happened up until now, but I don't think it matters. I would write them an email, copy the BM on the email if she's at all a part of this situation. Tell them you know there have been issues for many years, things said and done that were hurtful and you want to put an end to all of it so that you can be a happy family which is the healthiest thing for all concerned. Something like that. Invite everyone over for dinner or on a trip. Truly reach out to them even though you don't feel they deserve it, even if they are horrible people. Doing so will make you feel so much better, trust me. Make the email nothing but positive. The best outcome will be that they respond positively to your email and it's the start of a better relationship for all, and most importantly a better relationship for you and your husband. I don't think divorce is the solution at this point, your husband does love you or he wouldn't be married to you for 20 years. Also, as a mom I can tell you that sometimes you just have to suck it up and take charge. It's just part of the role we end up with and why women are so much stronger than men. I know you're not a bio mom, but you're still a matriarch in this family so I think you need to take charge this one time, or one last time and see what happens. And if they don't respond at all or don't respond positively, well then you know you did all you can, and your husband will know that as well and I think it will be easier to move on and disconnect that way. I'm not saying you haven't reached out in the past either, I'm sure you have, I'm just asking you to do it one more time. I wish you all the best and will pray that this situation has a happy ending for all.
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incognitomom
13 years ago
I am sad to hear that you are divorcing, but I totally understand why it is happening! I remember your story. You need to do what is best for your son and yourself. Good luck and don't be a stranger on here!!!
parent_of_one
13 years ago
I was actually thinking about you, where you disappeared...

I wish you and your son the best in dealing with this. It must be hard for your son, hopefully his dad will remain involved.
sharicole
13 years ago
lamom, I hear a sense of relief from your posting. I wish the best for you and your son. I can totally relate to what you are saying about your adult skip kids. I hope my sks read your last paragraph and learn something from it. Thanks for the update and now you can start feeling a sense of peace. Peace be with you.
mattie_gt
13 years ago
lamom, I'm sorry to hear that everything will not end up as you had hoped, but, since you cannot control anyone's behavior but your own, it sounds like you are heading towards the best outcome that you can, given the circumstances.

You said "Unless the new spouse had something to do with the break up of your old family cut everyone some slack and pray for the heart to be loving." I agree, and would like to add that even if the new spouse did have something to do with the breakup of the marriage, any anger or distaste about that should never be carried over to any new half-siblings. Even if a much younger half-brother or sister seems to be so spoiled compared to your childhood (and they may be), it is completely wrong to make that child suffer because of it - really, are they supposed to decline summer camp, a car at age sixteen, or college tuition, just because you didn't get it?!

lamom, it is possible that with you soon out of the picture, the adult childrens' attitude towards your son may improve. If it does not, well, as sad as that will be for your son - they really do not sound like the kind of role models that one would prefer older siblings to be.

I hope all works out well for you both. Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated if you choose to do so.
shakti2574
13 years ago
I am sorry to hear about your divorcing. I wholeheartedly agree that the blended families are like mine fields where we have to nagivate through all the past hurt and attachments.
Unfortunately, it is easier said than done because attachment is hardwired to our brain by God. It takes so much practice and cultivation for all of us to LET GO and SURRENDER.

Good luck to you in your new path
steppschild
13 years ago
I too am sorry to learn of your situation but I am sure that you put a lot of thought into your decision. I think I have posted here once or twice within the past year +. I lurk every now and then. I was thinking about you the last time I did that. I wish the best for you and I hope that your DS continues to stay healthy.

My best. Geri
pseudo_mom
13 years ago
Good Luck to you Lamom.

The only thought I had was...

The ex sks will still be either angry and/or jealous of your son ....

If dad stays involved ... why couldn't he do that for us.

If dad does not .... see thats the dad we knew Lamom was ________ to think he changed.

Still a lose lose situation for your son with them.
lamom
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you all for the kind words. I am certainly looking for peace.

After all of the drama of my stepkids, my DS8 now gets to be a child of divorce too. After all of the work, effort, and trying it is just the two of us after all. It was really only the two of us before and now it's official.

My SD36 has stayed in touch although I haven't heard from SS32 in months. Ex told me they havent been in touch either but we were together a few days ago and his son called him on his cell. He didn't take the call,knowing I would know they are of course in touch.

I am hosting a large Easter party including Easter Egg hunt and am not inviting any of them. I hope to never date a man with kids again although of course I will be looking for a man who will accept mine! :) If he has them I hope they are grown, educated, employed and living somewhere from 3000-5000 miles away. Did I mentioned self-sufficient with a BM who is remarried, employed and happy in her own life? Throw some common sense and financial independence in the pot for everyone. That might work, ya think?
lonepiper
13 years ago
Maybe this should be thought of as a learning experience -- stay single!! Why complicate your life further with the thoughts of future men.
lamom
Original Author
13 years ago
Lonepiper,

I am assuming that was a stab at sarcasm. Let me repeat, I am not going to go through life alone because I made the mistake of burdening myself with stepchildren.

Let's review:

"If he has them I hope they are grown, educated, employed and living somewhere from 3000-5000 miles away. Did I mentioned self-sufficient with a BM who is remarried, employed and happy in her own life? Throw some common sense and financial independence in the pot for everyone."

The learning experience is the value of taking on the children of others just because you love the man/woman. I'll just stay STEPCHILDREN FREE.
mom_of_4
13 years ago
I noticed in the other thread regarding some book to read that you posted that bm and teenage son was living in a motel after the divorce while DH was not. I dont really want to dredge up the past (although I suppose I am)... but I was just curious as to why?
parent_of_one
13 years ago
mom of 4, you type lamom in "search" you'll find all old posts from years ago about their family history. her DH was not a good father to his older kids and was not good husband to his ex, and that the source of their bitterness and anger. But honestly it seems he is not the father he should be for his little one either and was not a good husband for lamom either.

Honestly this guy just sucks as a father and a husband big time, and lamom is much better of without him. With someone else or single she will have a better life.
lamom
Original Author
13 years ago
Parent of One,

Thank you.
end-of-rope
13 years ago
I wish you the best of luck. I applaud you for making the decision to make your life better. I am in limbo, love my DH but REALLY dislike one of the SD's that has a lot of control over her father. In the last 3 years I have not spoken to her at all; it has been a great strain on our marriage. DH speaks out of both sides of his mouth and has been caught lieing and hiding stuff from me to protect his kids. Oh - where is my crystal ball.
lonepiper
13 years ago
Actually it wasn't meant to be sarcastic at all. The truth of the matter is that you may not have to deal with stepchildren if you find a man who does not have children from a previous relationship, however, YOU DO have a child. This future man you're already envisioning is going to have the same issues that we've had a stepmothers - and you'll have a whole new ballpark of problems balancing new man's feelings and that of your son. I just don't understand why anyone would want to subject themselves and their children to the turmoil that we know can happen...
lamom
Original Author
13 years ago
Lonepiper,

Although I had a very difficult experience with my skids and DH, I have seen enough blended and second family situations to know that not only can they work, the players can actually be happy with each other and love one another.

One of the keys (in my opinion) is not to force a family bonding. This was one of my big mistakes. I have a cousin with two kids, now grown but around 5-6 when she married a man with two kids around 7-9 at the time. They never, ever all lived together. This was a deliberate, strategic decision on the part of my cousin and her 2nd husband. Her kids lived with her, his kids lived with his ex-wife out of state. Not far, but still not in the same town. He saw his kids often since the out-of-state location was right down I-95 and not far. They merged the families slowly, trips to Disneyworld and so on, never trying to be parent to the other's kids and not forcing the clan together. 20 years later the kids refer to each other as brother and sister and the parents, really step parents, stay in more of a friendship mode with their respective stepkids vs parent. I know others with similar situations, just not on this board!

Yes, I do envision a life with a better partner some day, why not? That doesn't mean that I haven't learned the hard way to not try to force some new "dad" down my son's throat if that ever comes to pass. Or to try to be someone else's "2nd" mom. Uggg. The walls will be pretty thick between any new person and my son for a long while. That's what I've seen works with divorced people and their kids.

But going it alone, and of course, who knows if there is a 2nd act for me, is not what I want at all. I hope I can learn from my mistakes as well as what I have read and learned on this board.
lamom
Original Author
13 years ago
And Thanks to all who expressed well wishes to DS81/2. He is doing fine, well in school, passes all tests regarding his cancer.

He is slowly accepting the separation and divorce after being distraught for months. One big thing on his mind and mine is will his big 1/2 brother and big 1/2 sister forget about him? I posted earlier that I am having an Easter party and had planned to not invite my skids or sgkids. I changed my mind and invited them as I hope (still hoping against hope) that they can step up for DS8's sake as well as their own kids who like my son, their young uncle. We'll see if they show, always iffy even in the best of times.
silversword
12 years ago
I hope your party went well LA. I've been thinking of you.
lovehadley
12 years ago
There is no reason you should rule out being with another man in a better, healthier and more satisfying relationship in the future.

I don't agree that you should stay single because you have a child. I do think you should absolutely take this time to focus on your son and yourself and it seems to me that's what you're doing.

In time, who knows what will happen---your world is an open book! ;-)

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are going through a divorce but I more than hear the relief in your tone. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision!

Divorcing husband and stepkids at last

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