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No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Posted by lamom (My Page) on
Mon, Mar 8, 10 at 13:51

I posted on another thread that I was keeping my SGS (step grandson) 9 this past weekend. I picked this boy up from his home almost 1 1/2 away, 2 1/2 hours with traffic. Each way.

The weekend went all right, SGS9 was clearly disappointed that the weekend basically meant hanging around the house without trips to Disneyland or special restaurants which isn't how we really live. I did cook a lot unlike his mom, did one big take out $$$ feast, waffles, plenty of ice cream, soups, chips and dip. He practially inhaled a couple of plates of baked refrigerated dough cookies. But he stayed on his best behavior which means His best at the C+/B- level. DS7 was just glad he was around at first.

However, as things went on there were accusations of lying, outright disobedience, and finally an altercation with one of DS7's friends ending with a well deserved black eye for SGS9. Also, he was left home from church because of backtalk, saying he didn't want to go and really, who needs this kind of problem? We went to church with some neighbors including kids and SGS9 wanted to go when he saw all of the kids but it was too late. How would I know he wouldn't act the fool there too?

DH took him home Sunday while DS and I went on with our plans, juice bar with friends, playdate and a fun science project SGS9 wanted to do with DS7. SD36 called, asked how it went and was clearly updated on everything I supposedly did wrong per SGS9. Although she graciously complemented me on taking him and doing all that I did do for him.

I took the kid for the weekend, gave him treats, took him to see a movie I had to scramble to see, Alice In Wonderland 3D IMAX(with the opening $5/head premium), let him play and relax in a way he doesn't at home, and I'm still the bad guy. Well, after my religious service and a nice reality check from DH I know that I am the winner, I rose above my SS30, GF/babymama, and SGS9's problems/expectations, and did what I thought was right and fair. SGS9 knows that DS7 and I are going skiing this week, on the road trip back to his home he begged DH to go after saying how rotten I was, unfair, etc etc. Begged to go with ME. DH said, hey that's between you and LAMOM. Fuggetaboutit. Life is too short and skiing is too expensive. Not to mention high blood pressure from crazy, ungrateful skids and grandskids!

We are planning on a couple of other trips involving families, kids where there would be room for SGS9. But, when will his parents get it? I don't blame him anymore, he is a product of his upbringing. But the parents, still think there should be a free ride for them and theirs. SS is 30, GF.babymama is 31/32. I knew better by then, didn't you?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"However, as things went on there were accusations of lying, outright disobedience, and finally an altercation with one of DS7's friends ending with a well deserved black eye for SGS9." --

IMHO no 9YO deserves a black eye. Maybe a time out.

I think it is rude to discuss ski trip in front of a child who wont be invited. Tough situation, no matter who brought it up.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Yeah, but it did not go oh so bad. DS and SGS got some time together and that was really the point was to have time for the boys together. You didn't say whether DH had any time that DH and SGS actually enjoyed a being together a bit?

Evil Step-Grandma Lamom, did her 'for the kids' weekend, it was not what SGS is use to or was expecting (pretty quiet at home event with a dab of extra tossed in via movie ect), and it went okay. But you never promised SGS you all were going to do anything else, you invited him over and whether he thinks so or not you were decent and tried. I think the only thing you might have done different was leave out the 3rd friend on the first night.

You're under no 'rule' that says you have to invite SGS to skiing trip , I assume he either overheard you and DH mention it or DS told him about it. I don't blame you for trying too much too soon and I would not be guilted into taking SGS. If you were taking a car full of your other grandkids (which don't exisit in your case) and just not him, that'd be one thing, but you're taking your son. SGS's parents are welcome to take 'their' son and go do something all by themselves without being expected to call and invite you and/or DS. Trips and events with their children, that's what parents do and occasionally they get treated to trips and events by grandparents.

It will be interesting as to how SGS really felt about the weekend (not how he's pouty about it right now) as to if he jumps on the chance a bit in the future when or if you invite him again. If there is another future invite for a weekend just be sure to lay out ahead of time what the plans for the weekend include so SGS is not disappointed or ending up expecting something that does not happen. If he really did have a good time he will accept a invite a second time even if nothing special is on the agenda.


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KKNY, where do you draw a line??!!

KKNY,

The black eye was delivered from a friend of DS7's, who is 8, to SGS9, who threatened to throw the 8 year old friend off our retaining wall, we live on a hillside in SO. Cal. which looks more dangerous than it is, and that child gave SGS9, at least 20 lbs on him, a much deserved smack which manifested as a black eye. He received ice packs, does that make you feel better? Kiddie Frontier justice.

On the ski trip, it was not discussed in front of SGS9 at least not by me. I can't vouch for DS7 although believe me, even his understanding of the details are vague as we don't tell him what's happening until we are loading up the car to keep the whining down! DS7's ski stuff has been pulled out for packing, no doubt they both saw it. I discussed the arrangements beforehand with GF/babymama, she has been discussing it openly not me because she wanted to know the costs. Ridiculous postering because for her kids with us there is never any cost to them!!! Repeat, not me. When SGS9 saw the ski stuff pulled out, he put it together.

kkny, I mean really, don't you EVER think the kids/skids/gskids are in the wrong?


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KKNY, By The Way

KKNY, By The Way,

For all of SGS9's behavior, LET'S BE CLEAR, the black eye was delivered by another KID A YEAR YOUNGER, AND 50 POUNDS LIGHTER who decided ENOUGH was enough. Not by me or any other adults (I HAD TO RE-READ YOUR POST TO GET YOUR IMPLICATION.)

That kid gets time outs at our house and when he is too much to bear, is driven home. His own parents DON'T come to get him.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I think I said that 9YO might have deserved a time out, but not a black eye. I do not beleive in frontier justice of any type. I believe children should be supervised and if one child threatens to throw another off a wall, adult should take action.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

kkny, yes, adult supervision. Take him on a ski trip that he accidentally heard about. Yes, that's the answer to that kid's problems. SGS9 with his multiple school suspensions, expulsions, detentions including one for three weeks right now, lack of friends and so on. But, a black eye, in the name of playground justice if not frontier, has to substitute when that negligent, unsupervising adult ( I guess you mean me) is off getting the popscicles.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Geezus ... its not like Lamon bribed the neighbor kid with popsicles....

Yes sure the 8 yr old could have put the 9 yr old in a time out ... that would have solved the whole problem.

Have to teach the neighbor kid how to have some self control because we wouldn't want the step to take any responsibility for his actions after all he is a step granchild he should be coddled the rest of his life its not his fault his grandparents divorced and remarried he didn't have a choice in that ... he didn't get to pick his grandparents (too bad he couldn't pick his parents either).


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I never said accidents don't happen. I just do not believe in violence, and think it is mean-spirited to say a "well-deserved" black eye.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I kind of feel like you contributed to the problem with your SGS because it doesn't sound like you went into his visit with the best attitude. You sound annoyed by the distance, aggravated by the fact that he was insufficiently grateful for the weekend's activities, and pleased by the fact that he got his comeuppance at the hands of another kid. And even more pleased by the fact that he missed out on the "fun science activity" because he went home early.

Do you like him? Do you even want to like him? It sounds like you went into this resenting him. At least, that's how it comes across to me. And I don't think anyone is at their best when they feel resented or disliked by the people around them, especially when it's a kid feeling resented by an adult.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Oh please ... you never cheered when the bully get it in the end in every movie about bullies ...

no violence is not the answer but what was the answer oh mighty one??? preach us your wise wisdom.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

sounds like everything went fine, kinda, i don't think you must take him to trips at all, no such rule


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Cheering at you own grandchild getting a blackeye?

Pseudo, I dont think any mother or GMa would cheer at her own kid getting a black eye. This kid apparently doesnt have the greatest of parents, so its a shame when Stepgrandma cheers at this as you say.

Sovra, I agree with you -- from the way LAMOM talks, it doesnt sound like she likes anyone except her own kid.

FD, I didnt say they had to take him, just that it was a shame the trip was discussed in front of him.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Oh my, sovra, and kkny...there was no accident. SGS9 threatened another child physically and that child defended himself. I didn't know that I am supposed to train 8 year olds to put 9 year olds in time outs! I didn't engineer the altercation, didn't encourage it and didn't reward it although all of them did go to a movie sometime later and had a good time together. That's the level of seriousness among the kids themselves. Are you all for real with your criticism here? The boy brought it on himself.

From the remarks from KKNY and SOVRA this is shaping up as yet another good deed that wasn't punished enough. Sovra, you need to read my earlier posts to know that for me to invite, pick up, host, and take care of this particular child is my doing something if I clearly must say so myself. Many here and in my regular life have advised that I should be done with this child and my SS's family all together. Good grief, when is it enough?

I've already said it went pretty well, SGS9 got in to a scrape with an 8 year old, should I lie and say he was the victim in a situation he created and provoked?

I don't owe that kid ski trips. Unfortunately, he heard about it probably from DS7, not from me or DH or saw the ski stuff pulled out, . After complaining about what a meanie I am, he begs to go. What is wrong with you that you think I am somehow at fault for that?

Whenever I try to do the right thing I am criticized here and in real life. Sovra questions, do I like the child? I don't even know what to say.

Overall, I think the weekend went as well as possible, SGS9 got what he asked for from the 8 year old who visited as well as getting a lot of fun stuff too. Courtesy of me.


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You seem awful happy about SGS mishaps

Lamom,

It just comes across as you are happy about SGS mishaps. I suspect you could benefit from counseling. I suspect you resent SGS becuase of your DS health issues, and view it as unfair (which of course, your own DS health issues are unfair).

I didnt say you deliberately said anything about ski trip, I said it was unfortunate.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

kkny I was not commenting on your post, i was replying to a sentiment about skiing trip. nobody needs to take nobody


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black eye

i do agree though that comments like "he deserves a black eye" are somewhat mean spirited. even if my daughter would say stupid stuff to another child, I still would not rejoice if she would get a black eye. i wouldn't say she deserved it. in fact it seems that GS did not hit anyone first. but i think that lamom did not really mean it and maybe just expressed herself wrong. no one believes young child deserves physical pain no matter how poorly they behave.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

KKNY, you are THE MEAN SPIRITED ONE BY BRINGING MY SON'S LIFE OR DEATH CANCER HEALTH ISSUES IN TO THIS DISCUSSSION . The only child I like is my own you say? Well, I like my DS7's 8 year old friend who wouldn't be bullied by a 130+ pound nine year old. If fact I like that 8 year old and respect him a lot. I sound mean?

I will be much more careful in this forum on how I express things. I did not rejoice at SGS9's black eye. I did think that he threatened the other boy and got a black eye for it. When kids are bullies and other children won't be bullied, black eyes can and do occur.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

lamom I hear what you are saying, so nothing against you at all, but generally don't we teach children if another child says mean things or threatens you should not hit first, you should walk away and tell an adult. I am not saying ti is your fault, he was not your son, just a friend, but still he didn't do the right thing.

My DD got in trouble once at school when she was 10, one boy said mean things to her and she kicked him, not too much, but still, she got in trouble and I had to explain to her that she must walk away and tell an adult rather that hit people.

I think both GS and a little friend are in a wrong. Honestly if my child comes home from a family visit with a black eye, i would be rather upset. GS clearly is not well behaved, but the other boy is no better.

It seems that your son is the only one who knew how to behave, good for him.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Lamom, I never sead black eyes dont happen, of course they do. It just seem that you said REPEATEDLY how SGS deserved it. I know if a kid, not even mine, got a blackeye at my house, I would be extremely apologetic about it. I just dont think you like this kid or regard him as family.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Lamom-

I don't think you went into this with a bad attitude toward SGS9. Your gesture to take him for the weekend was wonderful and it certainly appears to be more than his own blood seems to do for him. As for the black eye, it's unfortunate that it happened, but maybe it was a lesson that needed to be learned by SGS - and sometime people have to learn the hard way. I'm sure he will never threaten that kid again - lesson learned.


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Truly sorry

Lamom, I am truly sorry if you felt the comments re your son were hostile or derogatory - they were not meant to be negative. But I do see a lot of hostility toward your SGS.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Lamom, I have been reading your posts for more than a year. I don't comment a lot, but I'm familiar with your history with your husband's family.

I'm not asking you if you like your SGS because I'm accusing you of being some evildoer. I'm asking because it genuinely doesn't seem to me that you went into the visit with a positive spirit towards the boy. That's how your post came across to me. Is the kid an angel? Undoubtedly not. But I still do wonder if your attitude isn't contributing to the problem. I think it's something that's at least worth considering, because if it is contributing, it's something that you could change and maybe have better visits in the future.

One of the advantages of this sort of forum is that when you post, you get to hear differing points of view. You can agree with them, dismiss them, think that they're partly right and partly wrong-- whatever you like. Just think of my post as someone else's viewpoint. I'm really not out to make you feel agitated. I just wanted to express my thoughts.


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Truly sorry

Lamom, I am truly sorry if you felt the comments re your son were hostile or derogatory - they were not meant to be negative. But I do see a lot of hostility toward your SGS.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Actually the word 'deserve' is likely the wrong word to have used. But I think I can understand where Lamom was coming from in repeating the 'fight'.

One child, who believes the way to get through life is too bully, destroy, attack, ect other people and/or property is very likely to finally run into that one kid who does not 'play the game' right. BAM. POW. POP.

Who knows what really happened and just how. For all we know SGS was running his mouth all tough like and backing this much littler kid up against the wall. Little kid felt threatened with no escape, no help in sight and his natural instinct to protect himself kicked in.

No. No child should be subjected to violence and we as parents and supervisors of children should always encourage and teach kids the right way to handle things. But %hit happens. An adult is not right there, another has a back turned watching other charges across the way, or two kids just happen to clash on the way home from school with no one else around. One plays the bully long enough and loud enough routinely getting in someone's face and some day some where that little bully is bound to run into the wrong kid and whether out of self defense, fear, instinct that picked on threatened person is going BAM, POW, POP the bully a good one.

And like it or not, sometimes it's that unexpected smack to the bullies that snap the bully into reality that you can't go through life picking on and threatening others, if for no other reason that little thing you're picking on just might unexpectedly kick your butt. Just maybe that bully will think twice before he/she decides to force his way or threat to get what he wants.

Lamom is not a wicked step grandma for feeling maybe her little bully stepgrandson just might have got a taste of his own medicine he's been dishing out (the kid is repeatedly kicked out of school for fighting/bullying) and maybe now he'll think twice before using violence and threats against others himself. I'm sure she's wishing the kid would never use force/threats and I'm sure she wishes the incident had never happened at all, but I have a hunch she's just hoping bully grandson has learned an important lesson on interacting with his peers.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

It doesn't matter what she does or does not do for sgs ... he wants more and more becasue he has been programmed to want more and more and expect more and more ....not his fault but not lamom's either ... she is trying to help her hubby become a better grand dad ... she has been kicked at every turn with this family and yet she still tries ... she has more patience than I would ....

And I can feel for her because of my relationship with my own SD. She can have a relationship with the other family members but I choose not to be hurt anymore.... 5 other kids to worry about she has 2 parents who are supposed to care for her. She doesn't need me.

Atleast Lamom is trying more than I am willing to do ....I gave up months ago.

And I agree SGS won't pick on that 8 yo again.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

kkny, I can't address you here any further on this.

FD, I know you always mean well. Thank you. The 8 year old did in get trouble with his parents although I explained the circustances fully. He was properly disciplined for fighting although his parents understood that he was standing up to a bully rightly so. I mentioned this whole thing as part of my SGS9's visit to my home, personality and manner of behavior. He is a bully. BTW, this is the FIRST and ONLY physical fight to ever happen at my house and we have lots of kids over often. My DS7 has thus far, never been in one that I have heard about. He's not perfect but he's not a bully like his 9 year old NEPHEW.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

this 9-year-old is truly handful. I feel bad for him though, he doesn't know any better, clearly has major issues (ODD, ADHD, possibly emotional impairment-am I correct? His behavior seems to fit many labels) and it all seems to be going downhill from here. sad.

i am glad that little boy's parents told him that hitting is wrong.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

LOL, my nephew clobbered some kid at daycare during a toy dispute and pinned the kid on the floor. He was 2 at the time. He wasn't a mean toddler, but kids thwap each other sometimes before they learn to share.
While he was pinned, the kid bit my nephew's arm pretty hard and left chomp marks.
When my sister picked him up, the DCP said "C__ got in a scrap today over a toy. Here's what happened..."
My sister's reply was "Well, if he clobbered someone and pinned them to the floor, then he got what was coming to him. Did they both get time-outs after?"

Yup, she's a child-hating monster ;)


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

justmetoo, fd and ceph,

Thank you for the understanding and the big dose of reality in this discussion. I don't expect everyone to agree with me but I do hope for some realistic viewpoints here.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Somebody said, *this 9-year-old is truly handful. I feel bad for him though, he doesn't know any better,*

It really is too bad that he was punched in the eye, but I bet he knows better now.

As long as no one was permanently injured and each party got a talking to, then it's sort of no harm, no foul.


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gerina and others

gerina i didn't mean i feel bad for his black eye (although I sure do), I feel bad about him not knowing how to behave properly and how to have fun and having all these issues he has hat maybe he wouldn't have if he had normal parents.
sorry for an awful run-on sentence.


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what?

what the heck did I type? "hat", what hat? and then repeating word "have" like 10 times. I have to stop typing in a morning before work. hahah


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finedreams

FD - I know you felt badly for the black eye. I think everyone here feels badly. I just thought it was funny, not ha-ha funny, when you said *he doesn't know any better* because you know he knows better after the knuckle sandwich.

I had an experience in junior high when I was sick and on meds. I suddenly became the fodder for two classmates. They were relentless for a period of four or five months. I tried to take the high road because that's what my mom said to do. I was walking down the hallway after school one Friday, on my way to the bus circle, when they ambushed me with another barrage of verbal insults. It had been enough and I hauled off an decked one in the nose. I was literally shaking, looking at my fist and in disbelief that I stuck a person. The girl I didn't hit said,"We're gonna get you!" I looked at her and said "whatever" as I continued to the bus and they never bothered me ever again. The one I hit apologized to me for the months of torment on the day we graduated. I apologized to her for hitting her and we hugged.

And your morning typos - mine are all day long.


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Now skiing too

SD36 called last night to ask about the ski trip that SGS9 is not invited on. Can you believe it? SGS9 went home, reported to all who would listen how I would not take him skiing but of course, DS7 gets to go skiing and everything else.

I actually laughed out loud until I heard from her tone that this was something SS30 and GF/babymama were making an issue out of. I should have anticipated it after KKNY's comments here.

SD36 whose job and income are at risk offered to pay SGS9's way on the trip. Lift tickets, equipment rentals, ski lessons and clothes. It was my turn to be jealous. These are big$$$$ bucks. All I am buying were discount lift tickets at the supermarket for us, cheap equipment rentals for DS and gasoline. I pack our lunches. And could I wait until SGS9 was off punishment for fighting at school to go? We were planning to go tonight since DS7 has an off school day tomorrow, so basically change your plans all together for SGS9. So can we all be pretzels for this boy?

A similar situation happened once before when DS was 4 and taking swimming lessons from a great, local swim teacher who only takes referrals so I had to get SGS in. SD said that it was So Important that SGS then 6 learn at the same time. What do you do when you think the proverbial Jones' are your own family? That's how it struck me then and how it strikes me now. She footed the bill for the swimming lessons, showed up at the sessions. I guess I don't have to tell you that none of that happened for DS. We are on our own always when the rubber hits the road.

I left it to DH to handle this time. Whatever I do will be wrong and I just don't want to take Mr. Hard to Handle skiing. Nor do I appreciate this pressure. The fight at my house, the issues he caused don't mean anything to them, just that HE, SGS9, gets every privilege that they THINK DS7 gets. If I take him what then? DS7 is a beginner, advanced beginner I guess but he can ski a bit. SGS9 will be in a true beginners class. How will that fly as he sees DS7 whizzing by him? Dag, give us a break. I'm letting DH handle this one his darn self.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Kid got what he deserved. He was "qualified for punishment because of his actions". What goes around comes around.

I'm no violence advocate but sometimes you get what you have coming to you. DD gets bit by the dog, I tell her that I'm sorry she got bit, but she needs to realize that when the dog is growling and backing away she's trying to tell you to leave her alone.

Same with two kids. I'm not cheering for a kid to get hurt, but if one kid bullies another and the smaller kid sticks up for himself, well... good on ya! There are better ways to solve it, and that can be talked out, but I'd rather my kid stick up for herself! Wow, you got a black eye. I'm really sorry. Why do you think that happened? Oh, you were threatening ________? That happens sometimes when people get scared. Maybe it's not a good idea to provoke people.

There's no punishment at that point. Natural Consequences, LOL! There should be some discussion, IMO, about hitting and the appropriateness of the actions taken, but if it was my DD and someone was threatening to throw her off a wall, and she didn't feel she had any options but to hit to get away... well, we'd have a talk about hitting and how it's not right, and then we'd have a talk where I told her how proud I was that she stood up for herself.

I live in S. California. Those retaining walls are often very steep, and very dangerous.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Lamom,

You have stated, even bragged, what you are a great parent, that your DH is a great parent to your child, although not to his other kids. You have said that SGS parents are not doing a great job, yet when SGS's aunt steps in to help, you say

"SD36 whose job and income are at risk offered to pay SGS9's way on the trip. Lift tickets, equipment rentals, ski lessons and clothes. It was my turn to be jealous. These are big$$$$ bucks"

So now you are jealous when someone sees that this kid needs help and tries to help.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I'm confused. Is SD36 the aunt of SGS9? So she'd be 1/2 sister to DS7?

So his aunt probably has this mentality: Dad is taking his kid, leaving his grandkid out. I can fix this. Here's the money. Why should I even consider paying for brother's swimming or ski lessons? That's something parents do. Aunts pay for nephews. AND... probably in doing so, she is acting out her own feelings of neglect. Did her dad ever take her skiing as a child?

Problem is, this is a vicious cycle. They think SGS is being neglected, give him more, you feel son is neglected, give him more.

My dad has said he wanted more kids so he had "another chance" to get it right. LOLOL. I know for a FACT that if he had another kid that kid would get EVERYTHING. And, you betcha my dd would get less. And, you betcha I'd be irritated. Had he and his second wife succeeded, my DD would have an aunt 6-12 months apart from her one way or another.

So I can understand a bit where the grown kids are coming from. They are acting out their personal grievances through SGS and his relationship with you. His mother is probably encouraging that to some degree. That said, if my kid was a brat and didn't behave when at Grandparents house... I do not, will not ever foist my child upon anyone, and if my kid does not behave when away from me my kid does not get to go back.

I could be wrong. But I can understand the feelings of "jealousy" and I don't think jealous is quite the right word. It's "he can do whatever he wants with no regard for others and he's going to get what he wants, not only equal to but better and then I have to cater to him while he rubs it in everyone's face because he got something better and everyone is going to whine about how he's not fully included."

Horrible. For the boy, and for everyone else. I'm not going to hijack, I'll post my own thread about "jealousy".


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

The jealousy on LAmom's part correct me if I am wrong ... is because last week she (lamom) told SD36 not to worry about finances with losing her job she could go work for her dad and everything would work out ... this after SD got chewed out by her BM and BDad for taking a lower paying job.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Presumably if Dad is employing and paying his DD, she is entitled to do what she wants with whatever he pays her. Its not up to SM to wine if SD wants to spend on the SGS, who has issues, and does not have parents who have their act togethor.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I don't think that's the point.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Yeah, but unless I'm wrong SD hasn't even lost her job yet. It's no ones business Mom, Dad, Stepmom or the Pope when and how SD spends her money. She's 36! Sure, it's nice that Lamom helped get her a back up job should she need it, but she doesn't owe anyone anything. There's no quicker way to destroy the new found relationship than getting "jealous" (which I don't think is the term Lamom really means anyway) over where her money is going.

About the black eye, yeah I think that's natural consequences. I don't think the puncher deserves an ice cream cone or anything but he was threatened and that's that. If this was my DD I think I would be more upset if she didn't do anything. Of course, our rule is you tell a teacher or parental authority twice, then the third time you handle it on your own with "playground justice" (love that term lol) if the situation calls for it.

Lamom, I don't think you dislike the SGS but I don't get a very rosy view from your posts regarding him or the grandchildren. I think it may be because I interprete your posts as if you're looking for concrete proof in all your relationships with the steps (where and who is money spent on, gratefulness (or lack of) tied to behavior in young children with neglectful parents.) If those standards aren't met, your posts read to me as if you take it personally and as a sign of another person doing something bad to you. I think much of this is not about you and you're going to be disappointed no matter what with much of your expectations. But I don't think your heart is in the wrong place, it's just not where everyone is open to being at this time.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I think it was very kind of SD to offer to pay for SGS to go on the ski trip.

HOWEVER...I think that is a moot point. YOU are entitled to take YOUR SON on a ski trip, just the two of you. There is no rule that says SGS must go. And it sounds like he is a HANDFUL. This is (clearly) a result of his upbringing and it's unfortunate for him. He has a tough road ahead of him. But that doesn't mean you are obligated or that you should even feel obligated to take him on trips, to Disneyland, etc.

It is just you and your son on this trip, right? My advice would be to have DH do something "grandfather-ly" with his grandsons while you're gone. Maybe take them fishing or to an amusement park for the day? Or out for pizza and bowling?

I think this is not really about the money. I think SD missed the point. It would be A LOT of work and trouble for you to take SGS on this trip. If SD wants him to go so badly, she could take him on a ski trip herself. I don't think it's fair for her to offer to pay and think that money was the only reason you weren't taking him in the first place.

I want to clarify, I do think (from what you've described) that your SD is a kind person and isn't trying to upset you. But I think Silver was right when she said that the SKs are acting out their own issues and using SGS/your DS/you as pawns. I am not sure it's even a conscious thing, but I think there is some truth to that.

Try not to take anything personally and DON'T feel guilty for not taking SGS on the trip.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Thank you Silversword, I live on a hillside in So. Cal, our retaining wall is tall although at the top near the yard it looks short. It really isn't short at all and although DS doesn't know really how big it is, he knows it's high and not to go over it. The 8 year old knows the same thing. If you look closely, there's a soft cliff on the other side filled with plants that won't break your body but will scratch the heck out of you. Also a back up fence but SGS9 didn't know that when he threatened the little friend 8 years old. DS7 knew this but friend 8 doesn't know the layout of every backyard/hillside in the area. The 7 year old and 8 year old know better than to allow ANYONE to throw them over. GS9 went too far and got a black eye.

No one NEEDS to go skiing. Not me or DS7. For SD36, supposedly up against a professional and financial wall to say she will finance such a trip from scratch is amazing. When I told DH he just stared at me and then looked down without comment as these are ALL of his kids we are talking about. The big ones and the littlest one.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

And Lamom, as you yourself said, your DH has been a better father to YOUR child, than his others. I wouldnt be suprised that Sis wants to help out SGS.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

so it is just you and DS, so why does SGS have to go? I don't understand.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Love made a point that I was going to make and it is this: If SD wants her nephew to go skiing because LA's DS is skiing, she should take him herself. SD could also take a day off from her "maybe layed-off" job to go with them or take him separately on a weekend day. Also, SD wanted LA to postpone her planned ski trip until SGS completed his punishment. What's that about?

LA's SD is being a wonderful and compassionate aunt to this kid. By the same token, I think LA is being a good SP/SGP. Both of them are stepping up to the plate for this kid because his parents irresponsible failures both personally and as parents.

A lot of the strife and resentment in this family comes back down to her SS (30). SS is too old to place blame on his father because he feels his childhood wasn't as good as LA's DS. He has two boys and it shouldn't be his father's, LA's, nor his sister's job to continually care for these boys. He is really taking advantage of everyone here. They are 23 years apart. I know that I am much more financially secure than I was 23 years ago.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I agree wholeheartedly with Love. What a great aunt to offer to pay, and how completely beside the point. Take your son skiing without any guilt.

And your DH is not an innocent. IMHO, he needs to take this poor little boy out fishing or something. Nothing that takes money, just time. And build a relationship. He's his granddaddy. What a fabulous relationship they could have. It would be a shame for him to miss out on such an opportunity.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Well, DS7 and I went on our hookie day ski trip yesterday and had a ball. Just us. May sneak in another next week, ssssshhh. DS7 still has many doctor appointments due to follow up from last years illness so the school doesn't even blink when I say he won't be there.

Blabbermouth DH told SD36 we went and she sends me a text about it, what about SGS9, thought I would wait for him and so on. I NEVER promised anything at all re SGS9 going skiing with us. What's the big deal, the mountains aren't going anywhere although the snow might by the time SGS9 is off punishment. Haven't answered text, ain't answering it. The resorts don't need me for SGS9 to ski, just some other willing adult with a credit card and four wheel drive!

Skiing is OUR thing. Nivea is right, I want something they don't feel. They are themselves and I've been taking it personally. So I can stay mad about it or take my little 7 year old snowdog and enjoy. He and I have a blast including rubbing sunburned noses for Eskimo kisses!

Who is being pushy now?! Nivea is right again, how SD36, grown woman with a job on the bubble spends her money and time in none of my beeswax. SD36 is a very generous and PATIENT aunt. Can my DS get on his half sister's gravy train? Does not seem so. You get the picture. It could be skiing, fishing, hunting, bowling, swimming, curling....if DS7 is doing it then by Jiminy, SGS9 will do it too. This is where My jealousy kicks in. I admit it. How does DS7 get on the gravy train other than the Mommy line? Of course, those people would say he's already riding it and can they just jump in the boxcar since DH didn't do things like that for them? Which I guess he didn't. Sigh, everyone paying for the sins of the father. Except, me and DS7, we weren't even there and have to pay!!!


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

No one is asking your son to pay for any sins. Your SD is just trying to help out her nephew whose parents arent all togethor. Everything cant be about your child.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Just because the train is leaving the station does not mean there is an empty seat.

If his aunts are concerned about his well being they should be taking him places on his own, giving him individual attention rather than forcing him to compete with his uncle for attention.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"No one is asking your son to pay for any sins. Your SD is just trying to help out her nephew whose parents arent all togethor. Everything cant be about your child."

Wait though!!!

EVERYTHING can be and SHOULD be about HER child. This is HER child!!!!!!

Grandparents are NOT OBLIGATED to provide ANYTHING for their grandchildren. I agree that this SGS needs more... more supervision, more adult time, more more more more more.

EVERY LITTLE thing she does is great. It's bonus. The more she can do, the better for this kid. BUT IT'S NOT HER OBLIGATION.

I have a nephew, he needs "more". His mom is often expecting the rest of us in the family to give it to him. Problem is, he lives a long drive away and I don't know him very well, don't trust him very much, etc. Sure, he's family. Sure, he needs more. But I'm not going to go extremely out of my way for him. It sucks.... but you can only do what you feel comfortable doing.

QUESTION:
Why is it that parents should be doing everything and Sparents should be in the background but that doesn't apply to SGparents? Why is there no comment on GRANDPA doing stuff for this kid?


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Wait, LAmom wants to know why SD is doing things for her nephew. She is complaining about why is SD doing these things for some other kid. Thats what I'm talking about. Wining about why cant SD do things for MY Kid.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"EVERY LITTLE thing she does is great. It's bonus. The more she can do, the better for this kid. BUT IT'S NOT HER OBLIGATION."

DITTO DITTO DITTO.

I think GRANDPA has more of an obligation to this child than lamom. I think SD's heart is in the right place but her frustration is mis-directed at lamom. SD should be talking to GRANDPA (her dad) about doing more with his grandson.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"Wait, LAmom wants to know why SD is doing things for her nephew. She is complaining about why is SD doing these things for some other kid. Thats what I'm talking about. Wining about why cant SD do things for MY Kid."

Wait, you're throwing up smokescreens. Let's concentrate on one thing at a time, shall we?

But to address what she said, IMO she's just talking about feelings. She's expected to DO DOD DODODODODODO for her SGS, whom everyone is going out of their way to help (no hard feelings there) but no one is stepping in to help her son, who has been deathly ill. She feels bad that it doesn't go both ways. No one offered to take her sick son somewhere, or to help out, or to do anything. Yet she's expected to give give give and if she doesn't she's selfish. I'd be willing to bet if someone took even the slightest interest in her son she wouldn't care one bit what others did for SGS. It's the all take and no give of it that has her saying she's "jealous". It's not about the money, it's about the lack of effort on their part while expecting/demanding effort on her part.

I reckon if there was more energy/love/outreach to her son, she'd feel she had more to give to SGS because she wouldn't feel she was constantly having to be the only one in the family who loves/cares/pays attention to her son. As is, she feels ALL the attn is going to SGS and therefore, she is the ONLY one giving attn. to her son and that's NOT FAIR to expect her to be giving 50% as much to SGS while her son would be getting deprived of her attention/funds and getting 1/2 as much (from her) as a result, with no one filling up the deficit.

Just my take. She could not be feeling any of that. I have no idea.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

She has said twice she is jealous that SD does for SGS. Twice, the second time she said

"SD36 is a very generous and PATIENT aunt. Can my DS get on his half sister's gravy train? Does not seem so. You get the picture. It could be skiing, fishing, hunting, bowling, swimming, curling....if DS7 is doing it then by Jiminy, SGS9 will do it too. This is where My jealousy kicks in. I admit it. How does DS7 get on the gravy train other than the Mommy line?"

I think it is pretty clear she is saying she is jealous and resents what SD does for SGS. You can choose to ignore it, but that's what it is. Its pretty pathetic in my mind to be jealous of SD trying to fill in for parents of a kid


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Ok. Let's make the clear.

Why should we expect a step-grandmother to pay more attention to her step-grandson than we expect a half-sister to pay to her half-brother?

Both women are adults. Why is it ok for half-sister to not offer to pay for both kids to go skiing with her? Why is half-sister choosing favorites? Why is it ok for her to choose favorites between nephew and half-brother and not for step-grandma to favor her own child over her step-grandson?

Sure, she's jealous. She's jealous that her son doesn't even rank in their family at all. He's nothing to them, and she's expected to go full-out for her step-grand-son.

Again, I don't think Jealous is the right word. I think it's adequate, but I think if she explored those feelings more she'd come up with words like "disappointed, hurt, angry, confused, sad". It's just like my explaination about the dress I posted elsewhere.

I'm not jealous about the dress. I'm angry/hurt/sad/mad/confused that someone would dangle something so pretty in front of me while I'm working hard because of them and then just slam the door in front of me. But jealous is the best word I can think of.

She's jealous because her son gets jack ______ and she's expected to be ok with that, and fork out her money and time, and no one does anything for her son.

Why is it ok to treat one boy one way and another boy another way? Because one has a good mom? Do you think the kids understand that? Do you think it might actually harm SGS to know that people are only being nice to him cause his parents are losers? Don't you think he may start manipulating people because he knows they feel sorry for him?


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

She has said she is jealous twice. I assume Lamom knows how to write. She said she is jealous because SD helps out with her nephew. You can ignore every word Lamom writes, but that doesnt make it any prettier.


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RE: que sera sera

Well, it's just my take on it, like you have your take on it. No one knows but LAmom how she feels or why, right?


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"Again, I don't think Jealous is the right word. I think it's adequate, but I think if she explored those feelings more she'd come up with words like "disappointed, hurt, angry, confused, sad"

So what if lamom IS jealous? I do tend to agree with silver that if lamom explored her feelings more closely, she'd realize they are more deeply rooted in the family dynamics. Jealousy is a nice surface word but I agree with silver that there's more to it than that.

BUT....since lamom called it that, then we can call it jealousy. SO WHAT? Haven't we all felt jealousy at one point or another?

FEELINGS AREN'T WRONG. Feelings are neither good, nor bad, they just ARE.

It is what we choose TO DO with those feelings and how we act on them that matters.

I personally find it to be rude and a personal attack when someone is told that their feelings are "pathetic."


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

LH, my dictionary defines pathetic as

pathetic   /pəˈɛtɪk/ Show Spelled[puh-thet-ik] Show IPA
adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

Yes, I feel sad and sorrowful at the thought of someone who is so consumed with jealousy when someone does something for a child whose parents are not able to provide well.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"She's jealous because her son gets jack ______ and she's expected to be ok with that, and fork out her money and time, and no one does anything for her son.

Why is it ok to treat one boy one way and another boy another way? Because one has a good mom? Do you think the kids understand that? Do you think it might actually harm SGS to know that people are only being nice to him cause his parents are losers? Don't you think he may start manipulating people because he knows they feel sorry for him?"


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"Why is it ok to treat one boy one way and another boy another way?"

Ask Grandpa. Some kids have one standard, other kids have another standard and it all started with that guy.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I think SD is doing things for SGS because there is no one else to do anything for him. Your son has his parents.

I don't think you should bend backwards for SGS but if SD does, it is her business.

Your son has two productive adults for parents, SGS has nothing.

At least aunt is trying to do something when his parents do nothing.

Why are you jealous? It is has nothing to do with you or your son.

My brother helps his wife's nephew because there is no one else, mom died in a car accident and dad drinks and is unemployed. Child is raised by SIl's mother who can barelly make ends meet and is old.

i never feel jealous that my brother is not helping my DD finacially. Why would he? DD has good mom and dad.

Why do you feel jelous, i don't understand.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

LAMOM >>>>>> DO NOT READ THIS POST AND IF YOU DO I AM VERY SORRY IF I OFFEND YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN ANY WAY
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LAMOM is "jealous" because when her kid was dying those people wouldn't give her the right time of day never mind a symPATHETIC shoulder to cry on ... yes it all started with one man their father whose other son their half BROTHER WAS DYING and not one of them cared enough to about anything other than that kid has it so much better than we did ....yeah he is living it up with cancer goodie for him he has two parents and their dad loves him more than them poor things its not lamom's fault SS is a putz he chose his gf the mother of his children and she chose him so live it up ... lamom tried to make friends include them they excluded her .... and now that she is fed up its poor grandson doesn't have a daddy or a granddaddy .... well where is the other grand mother???? let her do for the selfish brats she raised since obviously lamom's hubby wasn't good enough for them .... then lamom shouldn't be good enough either.

SD is stuck between trying to do for SGS her nephew and making up for his lack of parenting he recieves but again non of this is lamom's fault so stop blaming her.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I have to agree with Silver, Love and Psuedo. Maybe LA meant to say jealous, but I agree it was a pour choice of words - hurt and disappointed fit better in the context of this entire situation. KK can carve up the words any old she wants, but she is just out of gas on this one. You guys hit it so succinctly.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Who is blaming lamom for anything? she shouldn't be doing anything for SGS. But if SD wants to, then she should not blamed for anything either.

I agree that lamom should be angry and resentful that her Dh's family weren't there for her and DS. She absolutely should! these people are so dysfunctional.

It is terrible that DH's family do not want to spend time with DS (although it seems that SD does)

It just seemed to me that this particular issue was not related directly, it was about SD willing to pay the money. I think "gravy train" was mentioned and DS is not on that train. It seemed nothing to do with anything and was strictly about finances.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Hurt and dissappointed dont necessarily involve comparison with other's situation. Jealous does. It is ABSOLUTELY clear that Lamom said Jealous, and said it when comparing how her SD treats her nephew v. her SB. And what is even more sad is that LAMOM has noticed that her DH treated HER child better than the others. So she knows that her son got the better end of the deal than the other kids, and that when SD tries to make it up to her nephew, yes LAMOM is Jealous.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Pseudo, I nearly fell out of my chair on that one!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

symPATHETIC indeed!

I think again, there is more to this than the money... it was symbolic of DS getting the short end of the stick.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

there is nothing wrong in feeling jealous though, it is normal, we are all human.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

I'm not saying jealous doesn't work or isn't accurate. I'm just saying, IMO, that it is not a complete description of the complex emotions of this situation.

I agree, KKNY. It is SO SAD that her DH treats this kid different than his first kids. All I can say to that is THANK GOD he's improving his parenting skills rather than diminishing. If my father had succeeded in a second child with his second wife he would be a much better father. He has the experience, he has more time, money, etc. than he had with me. And while I'm sure my daughter would still be loved and included, his bio-kid would come first.

Again, grandparents have no responsibility for their grandkids. Anything they do is just bonus. I don't care if the parents are losers. They're still not obligated any more than anyone else in the family to step in. Of course it's the better thing to do. Of course everyone would like to see this poor DGS flourish. He has a hard road ahead of him. Poor little guy. Kinda doomed before he even starts, if you know what I mean.

I get the feeling though, and I could be wrong, that SD36 et al may be using DGS as a prop for their own feelings of neglect and (wait for it) jealousy. But they can't say it, so they just put him in their place and parade him around "giving him" the things they feel he (they) "deserves".

Problem is, there is not enough DAD to go around. Everyone is feeling neglected. Everyone is jealous. That sucks.

But, given the history, I'd have to say they have some nerve. Grow the heck up. At 36... really? Get over your childhood. No one had a perfect one. Put your big girl panties on, confront your dad, put up or shut up, etc. This passive-aggressive stuff is making me crazy. DS is having the perfect childhood, isn't he? Ski trips, friends over... wow. Too bad he has CANCER and ALMOST DIED and his parents are probably FREAKED OUT about it and the rest of the family is sitting around licking wounds two decades old. "but I didn't get a princess play house and he did"

f'geddabout it.

And just for pedantry KK, he's not their SB. He's their HB.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

"DS is having the perfect childhood, isn't he? Ski trips, friends over... wow. Too bad he has CANCER and ALMOST DIED and his parents are probably FREAKED OUT about it and the rest of the family is sitting around licking wounds two decades old. "but I didn't get a princess play house and he did""

Round of applause for Silver! That summed it up quite nicely!
(and it made me chuckle, too.)

"there is nothing wrong in feeling jealous though, it is normal, we are all human."

My thoughts exactly.


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lamom

Wanted to add, lamom--I hope I didn't offend you about my comment about chuckling. I was referring to the princess play house part and the overall tone. I would never make light of your son's cancer.

I hope that came across the way I meant it.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

And as I said, I am very sorry re Lamom's sons health issues. And I am glad his dad is improving. But in the meantime, there is no need to critize SD for helping her nephew.

Sorry, your right, SD is not helping her HB.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Well, she's doing the critizing here on the board rather to SD's face. I'd say that's pretty healthy. Everyone needs to vent somewhere.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Yes, I am sorely disappointed that my son doesn't get equal treatment from SD36 as she gives her nephews. I just don't know what else to say about this. I've tried to do the right thing with my skids and their kids from the beginning and I know it.

Can they say the same?


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One last thing

My skids weren't the greatest before my DS was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer at 5 1/2. Yeah, my perception of them is colored by how they acted during that scary time. I started posting here because of it.

Silver, lovehadley, psuedo and gerina are right. If my SD36 gave DS7 a tenth of the personal attention, meaning attention directed toward him personally instead of as an adjunct or competitor , my "jealousy" "diappointment" or whatever wouldn't exist. I don't expect much from SS30 but I hope for more from SD36. I am clear, she's not obligated to do anything for any of these kids including mine.
It's interesting that no one has pointed a finger towards BM's role in their childhoods. Just how DH is a lousy grandpa, assuming he was a lousy father and so on. All I've said is that he is a better father now than then according to my skids.

You have to have a pretty damaged psyche to be envious at any level of a six year old who was gravely ill. You bet, DH and I were out of our minds with fear and worry. He recovered, thank God and is 7 now. But my grown skids sure do care that SGS9 goes skiing if my kid goes skiing, that SGS has a party if DS is having one etc etc etc. because THAT KID needs love and attention.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

Lamom, I do feel for your situation and I think your son deserves so much attention and love, not just because of the cancer but because he is a kid. Yes, they should have been around, they should have done more. They should have.

You ask about BioMom, she's not a part of your picture. Your husband started the inequal treatment between children, I think your direction needs to go there. You say "If my SD36 gave DS7 a tenth of the personal attention, meaning attention directed toward him personally instead of as an adjunct or competitor , my "jealousy" "diappointment" or whatever wouldn't exist." Replace SD36 with DH and your son with nephew, don't you think every single person in your family is feeling that way?

Everyone is running around competing...for time, attention, money, love...cancer isn't going to halt this freight train, neglectful parents of the grandchild aren't going to put a stop to it. You and SD are the only proactive ones, so you can either make an enemy out of her or try to understand. Your expectations may never match up, but for your own peace of mind acceptance might be the way to go.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

You sound hurt. And angry.

I too have expectations, and am disappointed/hurt/angry when they are not met. Doesn't mean people are bad for not living up to those expections, just that I can't always get what I want and in most situations I need to seperate my emotional needs where those people are concerned.

My biggest concern in these situations is my dd, and how she will perceive the slight by family members. We have some similar dramas in our family. People play favorites. It's a part of life and at some point she will be exposed to that and have to deal with it. Right now, I do my best to prevent her from experiencing the pain of not understanding why some family kids get more, are treated better, etc... when I am always trying to make everyone (kids) feel special and included.

It makes me want to draw back and just "do for mine". It's not the kids fault, and that's the hard part. It's a pity that adults can't act like adults and have to play out their dramas through the kids.


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to Lovehadley no offense taken

lovehadly,

No offense taken at all on the chuckling regarding the princess playhouse or lack thereof. I LOL'd too.


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RE: No winning w / stepgrand kid but a winner

It is a shame when people play favorites and kids know about it. Shouldn't be this way.

As about BM and her role, who knows what she did or didn't do, she is not your family, she is not part of your life. You are not married to her and really her input is besides the point. I was under impression that she is/was involved, but even if not, that makes no difference. Her relationship with her children is not part of your life. Even if they are resentful towards her too, it should not effect you. Their relationship with dad clearly effects you.


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