KKNY, can see why there would be resentment there. Our "history" is very different. I don't think the children are actually aware of the real reasons why their parents divorced in the first place and they love both me as well as their step-dad (neither one of us the cause of the divorce); needless to say, us step-parents love the children to pieces. DIRT_YFINGERNAILS, we have a more "amicable" situation. Their father is very involved in the children's life and both he and I do all we can to make things easier. SWEEBY, the children's mother and I have somewhat different parenting styles. But she is a good parent; she loves her children a whole lot, that's for sure... and whether I agree or disagree with how she does things, I don't really feel it's my place to say (I for sure don't appreciate it when I have people "comment" on my parenting style, if you know what I mean :o) ). KKNY on a separate occasion was instrumental in helping understand how much "space" a bio-mom needs in order not to feel threatened. In the last communication I had with her (the children's mother), it was clear to me that she really does feel as if she loses all control when the children are here and that I am, in a sense, replacing her (or wanting to do so). So I backed off, stay in the background when she is around and it comes to her children, and let her do her thing. Still, I think that it's silly that when communicating things to me she consciously tries NOT to make eye-contact... However, I have to say that, since I have made a couple of changes and make sure to be the first one to say hello and goodbye to her and her partner, she is now able to say hello, even when the children aren't around (her partner is friendly when she isn't around, oddly enough). I don't know. I was hoping there were some bio-moms out there that could tell me something like, "I really appreciated it when the step-mom did...." whatever it was.... :o)

From his present position, "just wants to come home" probably means about the same as "just wish all these problems would disappear", so I wouldn't take the 'home' part too literally. For what it's worth, living with BioMom certainly doesn't sound like it's in SS's best interests, so it's probably just as well that it's not what BioMom seems to want either. Would it be possible to get you into the loop as a parent or 'designated parent representative'? The reason I ask is that you sound like the best parent in the whole bunch, and with your husband's permission, I'm betting the residential treatment facility will be willing to give you near-equal rights. (I know my son's school and doctor does this with his stepmom.) It may not be your idea of fun, but it's probably the best for all concerned, if you're willing to take it on.

My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.

I'm not an expert. That said, my first reaction would be "don't give up whatever current rights you have" -- which is not necessarily the same as "don't let your SD live with her BM". If you're in relatively the same geographical area, on relatively good terms with the BM, if the BM isn't sneaky or underhanded (eg abduction, lawsuit behind your back), and if as you say there's no physical/emotional risk (as far as that sort of thing is foreseeable) then I'd say work out a temporary long-term agreement on your own. Say, half the school year, 3 to 4 months, maybe a little longer -- long enough for the rosy glow to wear off. Talk to the biomom seriously about the realities of what's needed to make that happen. School districts, allergies, missing friends, that sort of thing -- just to be sure she understands. You said that she's already had kids living with her, so I guess that's not a worry. After the trial period is up, everyone could review and see if the experiment failed, if it succeeded, or if things need to be modified. Watch out for the SD pulling people's strings. Soap box: Children are people too, and thus tend to learn personal-type things the hard way. :) Right now, your SD has (at least) 2 possible homes. The best home would have the highest percentage of "good for her subjectively (makes her happy)" along with highest percentage "good for her objectively (physical safety, no emotional abuse, teaching how to get along in life, monetary support, dah-doo-run-run)". I think if you give her a blanket 'no' she's not going to be a very pleasant person to live with. If it's safe for her to learn the percentage lesson herself the hard way, then I say let her learn the hard way. And maybe the hard way is the best way. Even for the BM. You never know. That being said, before I met her my wife allowed her daughter to return to live with her BD -- and it will prob require additional expensive lawsuits and the cooperation of a child who's being threatened and thus unreliable in court to ever regain custody. Possibly even to reinstate visitation. And this is compounded by the fact that custody was *voluntarily* given up.